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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

323 replies

Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:12

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

OP posts:
EddieVeddersfoxymop · 27/03/2015 16:33

My DD is magic! When she's not helping out at motorsport events that her dad participates in, she's maintaining her bike, climbing trees, digging in the mud and generally tinkering around. Yes, her bedroom is pink and she loves fairies and teddy bears - but she's a total tomboy and I love it!

popalot · 27/03/2015 16:35

The very fact that you're thinking about how you want to be with your child means you prob won't be unloving towards your dd. You can love your dd as much as your sons. Not all girls are 'girly' - just like you aren't. And if she is, you'll enjoy it too. Don't worry yourself - you aren't your mother or your MIL.

Tizwailor · 27/03/2015 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MisterDobalina · 27/03/2015 16:45

Side note: does anyone else absolutely loathe the word "tomboy"? It just reinforces that girls are meant to behave a certain way and if they break that norm they are "behaving like boys".

BubGal13 · 27/03/2015 16:50

I guess I have bit of sympathy with the OP exactly because it is the other way round…I find women who really want girls so irritating and I know instantly they are not my cup of tea, as what that comes down to is they want a mini me(how arrogant) and are putting such insane predictions on all girls being girly, dressing in garish pink, taking to spas/ballet…seriously pass me the sick bag.
I have 1DS and didn’t find out, but had a strong urge throughout he was a he and on birth, was over the moon to discover he was. Having a girl scares me a bit,mainly because I was bit of nightmare/brat.

Can not fathom why so many women want girls, of course you want a healthy baby and so are happy either way, but to actively and so openly say you want a girl is beyond me, there is something so beautiful watching little boys with their mummies, all adoring and affectionate (and that mum instantly appears all the more feminine/nurturing next to her little boy) and that to me is so much sweeter than seeing little girls dressed in tutus waltzing down the street with their smug looking mums. Sorry bit off topic bit just my 2 pence.

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 16:51

Tomboy is v value laden isn't it? Good point. Implies a positive characteristic but only through the lens of what it means to be traditionally male. Similarly, a girly boy is a criticism. My good friend was sneeringly described as effeminate recently. Not good.

workhouse · 27/03/2015 16:53

Grantaire Best post on this thread, full of advice and positivity.

MisterDobalina · 27/03/2015 16:53

You put that much more articulately than me, Grantaire.

I was a shy, self conscious kid, and I remember someone calling me a tomboy when I got covered in mud. It felt like an insult, and I was always self conscious about rough-and-tumble activities after that. I know a lot of people will say it's just a word, but it wasn't to me.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 16:56

there is something so beautiful watching little boys with their mummies, all adoring and affectionate (and that mum instantly appears all the more feminine/nurturing next to her little boy) and that to me is so much sweeter than seeing little girls dressed in tutus waltzing down the street with their smug looking mums.

Come on! Don't you see that you're just as bad as the women you criticise?

Children are children. Both boys and girls are beautiful.

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 16:56

Bub, it's probably important not to confuse your valid point about the issues around parents trying to replicate themselves to the detriment of their child's individuality with the separate issue of your opinion on which sex is sweeter from a distance. Grin

On a separate note I saw a toddler girl on the school run in the funkiest purple tutu, striped tights and a ninja turtle mask. I grinned.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 16:57

mum instantly appears all the more feminine/nurturing next to her little boy

That bit is especially sick making.

Devora · 27/03/2015 17:00

Can not fathom why so many women want girls, of course you want a healthy baby and so are happy either way, but to actively and so openly say you want a girl is beyond me, there is something so beautiful watching little boys with their mummies, all adoring and affectionate (and that mum instantly appears all the more feminine/nurturing next to her little boy) and that to me is so much sweeter than seeing little girls dressed in tutus waltzing down the street with their smug looking mums.

But it is NOT helpful to shore up gender stereotypes here! Little boys are all adoring, mums look more feminine next to their boys (WtF does that mean?), little girls wear tutus and their mums are smug...

There is an infinite variation of possibilities in our relationships with our children, and biological sex really gives you no forward notice of what that relationship will be. It doesn't help to big up either boys or girls to the OP - she is scared because of her past trauma, and she needs help releasing herself from the cage of the past, not walking straight into another conceptual cage.

We cannot know what we will love about our children, and what our relationship with them will be about, based on their sex. It's just nonsense to pretend we can.

Devora · 27/03/2015 17:01

Ah, I see others beat me to it Smile

workhouse · 27/03/2015 17:01

Yes I was called a tomboy as a child, I had short black hair while my sister had blonde. When we received matching presents mine was always blue and my sister's was red or pink. I always felt unattractive as a child.

However it was a valuable experience in how not to treat children.

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 17:03

I take it Bub only has sons.

Devora · 27/03/2015 17:04

My interest in looking 'feminine' next to my children is precisely zero. I do, however, hope that I offer them a good role model of how varied, rich and interesting women's lives can be.

soverylucky · 27/03/2015 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BubGal13 · 27/03/2015 17:07

I'm just trying to express point- clearly badly- that the type of women who do want girls are the types who put these predictions about girls being mini- me's and wanting to wear pink/frills (or being forced into it) onto them, not that all little girls are like this.

Tizwailor · 27/03/2015 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 17:10

I know plenty of women who have girls who don't do the twatty mini me thing. I also know men who dress their very young sons in mini football kits and dictate to them which team they can supportConfused

Jackieharris · 27/03/2015 17:11

Neither me not my dd are into hair/nails/shopping/spas.

Stop pidgeon holing women!

If you are a 'tomboy' chances are she will be too.

I tend to find that girls with older brothers tend to be less 'girly'.

Hakluyt · 27/03/2015 17:12

"I'm just trying to express point- clearly badly- that the type of women who do want girls are the types who put these predictions about girls being mini- me's and wanting to wear pink/frills (or being forced into it) onto them, not that all little girls are like this.
I'm just trying to express point- clearly badly- that the type of women who do want girls are the types who put these predictions about girls being mini- me's and wanting to wear pink/frills (or being forced into it) onto them, not that all little girls are like this."

Wow. I wanted a girl. I find this post extraordinarily offensive.3

BubGal13 · 27/03/2015 17:15

A good friend is currently pg and has not found out, but is openly stating she really wants a girl (only) will be very disappointed if it is a boy (said this while staring at my little DS) and despite only wanting 1 kid will keep going if it is a boy, till she gets a girl. I am finding it very hard to really relate to her, or actually respect her much at the moment and so this is probably why my posts may sound a bit bitter/anti-women who want girls... sorry.

Roussette · 27/03/2015 17:15

For goodness sake Bub can you not see how your post about mothers/daughters is really a tad insulting to mothers of DDs? We are not all like that!

I can honestly say I didn't care a damn what gender I had.

Saying this there is something so beautiful watching little boys with their mummies, all adoring and affectionate (and that mum instantly appears all the more feminine/nurturing next to her little boy)

There is also something beautiful watching little girls with their mummies too. All adoring and affectionate. What's the difference?

I know you then qualified that statement with the girly tutu thing but it's SUCH a strange way of looking at things. Honestly... I would never write about smug mums to boys, it's just rude.

Roussette · 27/03/2015 17:17

CunningCat that is an excellent point.

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