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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 17 year old son has bought plane tickets to texas in America to meet a girl he met online, he is from scotland, I really need advice please.

390 replies

scottishmother · 26/03/2015 21:58

He has made his mind up to go, to be honest I thought he would have saved up more money but he has sprung it on me and is going in 2 weeks time!! I have asked him things and he has told me, and it seems fine, but he does not like me to ask him anything as he thinks it is invading his privacy lol. He has been very secretive, and this is not helping my worrying, I have said to him I will not let him out the door without him giving me a address and letting me speak to the girl who is 2 years older than him first. I need advice as to what to do please as I am going out of my mind.

OP posts:
Rinkydinkypink · 27/03/2015 02:43

Op can't you see the red flags!

If your son was a daughter would you even contemplate it?

It would terrify me! Id be refusing for him to go on his own. I'd be contacting the Fort Worth police with address etc of family.

I'd be speaking to parents and her online for well over 3 months before being comfortable with this and even then I'd be going with him for maybe a week and staying in a motel. Return ticket booked!

I don't care if he's 17 or 19 or what age he is. He's sad, vulnerable, easily lead and they're are some nasty nasty people around.

peacoat · 27/03/2015 02:53

If he's determined and there's no way you can stop him or go with him, I'd make this clear:

  1. Skype you when he gets there
  2. Skype at regular intervals of your choice (daily? 48 hours? etc)
  3. Contact numbers (reverse charges etc) to call you as soon as he is uncomfortable with anything at all, or even just for a chat
  4. Have a return ticket that allows changes so he can come home immediately if need be

I feel for you. Can you not get an emergency passport within 2 weeks? And then go with him, but stay nearby.

peacoat · 27/03/2015 02:53

I second the idea of contacting the police and checking out the address and who lives there.

NCdforthisone · 27/03/2015 03:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Renniehorta · 27/03/2015 03:42

My ds did exactly this. He gave up college at 17 to work to save the money for his ticket. I was furious but admired him sticking to a miserable job for 6 months.
I was frantic with worry. I spoke to the girl and her grandmother and was sure who he was going to stay with. However he had never flown and this journey involved 3 separate flights.
Like your ds op he was a loner who had been bullied. The girl had had difficult times too and I could understand how they would get along.
I took him to Heathrow and it broke my heart to see him go. He went for 2 months with very little money and did not encounter any difficulties getting in.

However it was the making of him. He came back happier. more confident and with some ambition. He returned for a 3 month visit and she came and stayed with us for 6 months. The relationship fizzled out because he changed such a lot in large part through the experience of going. It made him grow up and see the wider world.

So my advice would be to do all you can to check out these people. If you are sure they are legit, let him go. It could be the making of him.

giraffesNeedBigPoloNecks · 27/03/2015 04:12

How will he pay for medical care for his diabetes?

NoisyOyster · 27/03/2015 04:27

giraffes, the op's fiancée has diabetes, not her son

op, I'm failing to see why you don't just go into his room, find his passport, and take it. you're the adult, he is (technically) still a child / minor

parallax80 · 27/03/2015 04:54

What if it is not all doom and gloom and they are actually in love?

Then it will survive a bit of waiting.

KatieKaye · 27/03/2015 06:04

He needs to show immigration he has enough money to support himself for three months in the US without relying on anyone else.
I doubt he can do that.
This property the girl is living in could be a garage!
Rather than sending him £50 a month, save it so that if he needs to come home immediately you can buy a plane ticket. Plus if this is something he really wants to do then he should have planned to have enough money to support himself and not rely on other people. If he wants to be an adult then he has to actually be an adult,. How did he get the money for the plane fare if he spends all his time in his room and doesn't go out to work?
My friends DD did something similar, only it was going from one end of the UK to the other at a similar age. When she got there, the boy's mother refused to allow her to stay and my friend had to send money for a B&b stay. What would you do in a similar situation? £50 is going to be a couple of nights maximum in a hotel.

CheerfulYank · 27/03/2015 06:15

I also know someone for whom this situation turned out okay, but he was older.

I'd get the poster who lives in Fort Worth to check it out.

Mostlyjustaluker · 27/03/2015 06:22

I believe you need parental permission to leave the country under 18. If you don't want him go take his passport of him and ring the airport to say he does not have permission to fly.

paxtecum · 27/03/2015 06:34

I think as long as he has health insurance he will be fine.

I'm quite thankful that I was a teenager in the 60s and 70s so didn't spend my life in constant phone contact with my parents.
Hitch hiked to festivals, back sometime the following week.

A friend went cycling round the alps for a month, no contact with home in that time.

Hope all goes well.

vicecaave · 27/03/2015 06:38

Well you need to tread very carefully, once he's 18 you can have no say in what he does. If you've raised him well try to explain that you are just worried.

I know someone who went from brum to texus, they got married no it sure what happened with that. Think they planned to get married before they had even met Confused

vicecaave · 27/03/2015 06:40

Could you hire a private investigator to check this person out? Then get mn posters and the local police to help

OurGlass · 27/03/2015 06:42

Your non plussed attitude is very strange.

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 06:46

I don't think it is. I think many of us went off travelling at that age, and younger. Some of us were mothers at that age.

It's an age where there's so much variation in terms of capability and maturity. I agree with those saying by the age of 16 you pretty much have to rely on the previous 16 years of parenting.

Duckdeamon · 27/03/2015 06:47

I would first see if you can legally stop him going, since he's under 18, and if possible stop him. Any financial loss is his problem.

If he feels mature enough to do this he should be able to organise and pay for health insurance, and investigate visa rules and the risks re US immigration and the impact on future visits. I would inform him of what needs to be investigated and the risks but not give him any money- his choices his risks.

Presumably he'd be alone all day long near the parents while his gf works! Arrange for a Skype call with the parents (Unlikely they speak no English at all, and if that's really the case their DD can be on the call, then they can email you in Spanish and you can use google to translate!)

Why isn't he in education or training?

As for those saying all this could have a romantic ending, it's far more likely that the relationship won't work out and he will have wasted a lot of time and money, at best. US immigration won't be over eager to give him a free card. Even if the relationship is fantastic it could take years. Unless he improves his prospects low pay working life in the US - or UK - might not be all he hopes for.

KatieKaye · 27/03/2015 06:53

For all those going on about DS being under 18: OP and her son live in Scotland.

He has full legal capacity under the Age of Legal Capacity (Scotland) Act 1991.

Different country, different laws. Our legal system derives from Roman Law and is markedly different from English law in many aspects.

andadietcoke · 27/03/2015 06:55

FWIW my girls' first passports were sent last Wednesday by check and send and came back this Wednesday if you did want to apply for one to go with him.

Aussiemum78 · 27/03/2015 06:58

This might sound really dumb but are you sure he is going to the US?

So many loner teenage boys are sneaking off to the Middle East right now, often without their parents knowing a thing, it seemed kind of relevant?

17 is way too young to go off into a situation like that with no travel companion or money.

patienceisvirtuous · 27/03/2015 07:14

Red flags a plenty. I'd be beside myself.

He doesn't seem to have any contingency!

paxtecum · 27/03/2015 07:15

Aussiemum: op hears him on skype with the girl all the time.
If he was going off to Syria, surely he would just go without discussing it?

cedricsneer · 27/03/2015 07:27

For those independent souls who said that they were traveling the world at 17, I think you are missing the point. This 17 year olds sounds depressed, lonely and vulnerable. He is not in work or education and sounds very naive. That is why I wouldn't want him doing this. Much better to address his self-esteem and help him access real relationships than this fantasy.

NorahDentressangle · 27/03/2015 07:29

I've lived in Texas, my fear would be the police, no nice mr plod there, very matter of fact and if you break the law or are hanging around outside an airport might not be treated too well. And they are all armed.
And there are no buses, or even taxis much. So someone arriving on foot would HAVE to be met and picked up at the airport.

Does he have a suitable phone to use to meet up with the girl. Also your UK phone can cost an arm and a leg to use there (or used to ) so could run out of money soon. Then he'd be up a gum tree. Assuming his phone works there in the first place.

YOu could try the British Expats forum there is hopefully someone in Fort Worth who can advise.

Roussette · 27/03/2015 07:30

This is absolute madness. This is someone he has never met and yet they are going to spend 3 months together?

I have a friend who was skyping someone for a long time (different ends of this country). They got on really really well over Skype. When they actually met, she knew within half an hour, they weren't going to click in any way, in fact she found him odd and irritating. She kept saying he was different when I met him and I can't explain why.

Yet you're allowing your 17yo DS to fly half way round the world to spend 3 months with someone he's never met? My friend is in her 40's, your son is 17 and hasn't a clue and has a bit of money from selling bits from his bedroom. He isn't an independent adult, he is a lonely young lad who is following a dream, and chances are it'll end up a nightmare.