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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 17 year old son has bought plane tickets to texas in America to meet a girl he met online, he is from scotland, I really need advice please.

390 replies

scottishmother · 26/03/2015 21:58

He has made his mind up to go, to be honest I thought he would have saved up more money but he has sprung it on me and is going in 2 weeks time!! I have asked him things and he has told me, and it seems fine, but he does not like me to ask him anything as he thinks it is invading his privacy lol. He has been very secretive, and this is not helping my worrying, I have said to him I will not let him out the door without him giving me a address and letting me speak to the girl who is 2 years older than him first. I need advice as to what to do please as I am going out of my mind.

OP posts:
lertgush · 26/03/2015 22:58

Immigration won't let him in. They will want to see several thousand dollars if his return ticket is for 3 months time. (And btw, it's 90 days, not 3 months.)

Once they have denied him entry, that will be on his record. From then on whenever he tries to enter the US he will have to go through secondary immigration. He will also no longer qualify for ESTA.

Fxckedmywayuptothetop · 26/03/2015 23:02

Is he not in education or anything right now? Do not hide his passport, that is just stupid and he will lose all trust in you and hate you to be perfectly honest! Oh dear OP what a mess, well I say let him go but tell him you will call everyday and you need to know what he's to to etc. Good luck.

lertgush · 26/03/2015 23:02

Out of interest how do you plan to get the 50 quid a week to him?

SmokingGun · 26/03/2015 23:05

If your OH/fiancé and you met online when you were an adult and it didn't involve you flying half way round the world to meet him then I would say that yesthere is a difference.

Do her parents know about this? Despite the fact she lives in her own property on their estate, I would be pretty irritated if a random teenage boy turned up to live with my daughter for 3 months, with no means to support himself. I would be sending him straight back home.

Gooddaysunshine · 26/03/2015 23:06

Could you suggest a compromise- he puts his flights back until you get a passport and go with him for the first week or two? I'd be very wary of letting him go alone.

Evabeaversprotege · 26/03/2015 23:06

Op - you want him to go?

TrulyTurtles · 26/03/2015 23:08

You have seen Catfish haven't you? My DS sprung the reverse on me two years ago, online gf arriving in two weeks. Luckily he was a bit older, she was real and lovely. However, he lives at home, we had no room and it was a nightmare. (They are getting married in October I hope)
At 17-not a hope in hell.

Original poster
scottishmother · 26/03/2015 23:09

What does op mean?

OP posts:
DarthVadersTailor · 26/03/2015 23:11

The more I read the more this sounds just.....Wrong. Sorry to say this but your son sounds lonely and desperate, and your hoping this will be good for him also sounds desperate too. Honestly every bone in my body would be screaming with alarm at this, meeting a stranger in foreign land so far away where if anything goes wrong you'll be absolutely powerless to help him? Nope. I just wouldn't entertain it at all at that age unless I was going with them or they were accompanied by someone I trusted very well.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/03/2015 23:13

OP is original poster.

53Dragon · 26/03/2015 23:17

scottishmother op is original poster i.e. you Smile

SpringBreaker · 26/03/2015 23:19

do a search on her name and address and you will be able to see her online details and even phone number usually. Its much easier than doing it for people in the UK. I found my birth mother that way.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 26/03/2015 23:20

he is an adult

PurpleAlert · 26/03/2015 23:23

16is not an adult

Zucker · 26/03/2015 23:23

Has he actually seen a photo of her, have they skyped with moving video pictures. This could be anyone talking to him! Catfish is ringing in my mind.

PurpleAlert · 26/03/2015 23:24

Or 17 even

53Dragon · 26/03/2015 23:24

At 17 legally he is a child

Original poster
scottishmother · 26/03/2015 23:25

Her parents know he is coming, I will try and speak to them , providing they speak English, if they do not the girl can translate, I will do me check on her name and address when I get it, my fiancé has a passport and he could go I suppose but I would rather go as he is type one diabetic. As for him changing his flight, I will ring up about it tommrow but this will cost more money we can not really afford. He keeps telling me to trust him, but I said it's not about that, I do not trust her as I do not know her, he says I can speak to her on Skype ect and arrange to speak to the parents.

OP posts:
Ginrummy · 26/03/2015 23:26

If it's any reassurance, I know someone who was in exactly the same situation although the son may have been a couple of years older. It worked out fine, they're still in love a few years later and take it in turns to visit each other's country. He is still a British resident. But I do understand your concern as 17 is young.

Original poster
scottishmother · 26/03/2015 23:26

For the love of god, pleáse read my previous posts, they speak on Skype all the time, and yes I have heard him doing it multible times.

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 26/03/2015 23:30

most mexicans in the USA will speak english, however most are also not wealthy and do not own huge properties

DrLego · 26/03/2015 23:32

I'd let him go if he's mature and sensible enough and knows his exact itinerary. I popped off to mexico on my own at 15, 16.. I ended up in texas at one point. I am still here to tell the tale.
I wouldn't say most people of that age would be though, and no, my mother did not know. but it was not at all a bad thing to do for me. when I was 17 I lived abroad for the year.
If you're worried make sure you have contingency plans and try to make sure he understands safety issues, financial issues and so forth. I think it's okay.

lertgush · 26/03/2015 23:33

Also, when he arrives, if he tells immigration that he doesn't need any money because he's visiting his girlfriend for three months then that will make them even more likely to deny him entry.

AlpacaMyBags · 26/03/2015 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicinsomniac · 26/03/2015 23:37

This is really difficult, I feel for you.

On the one hand I know for a fact that my parents would just have flat out refused to let me do this at 17. And I might have cried, shouted and sulked but it wouldn't occur to me that there was anything I could do to change the decision. I was very much a child and 17 and fully dependent on my parents.

But on the other hand, 17 is technically an adult isn't it. Your son sounds like he already gone a long way down the line and will lose a lot of money if he doesn't go. And, as you say, how can you physically stop him? He may be safer going with your support than without it.

If you possibly can I would want to speak with the girl and her parents. It may be that her parents don't even know about it! And I would definitely want as much evidence as possible that she is who she says she is and not the innocent looking face of something awful.

A couple of posters seem fairly convinced he'll be stopped at the border and sent home - maybe do some research on this and check they're right? If so, you let him go and he comes back - you're not the bad guy!

I do have a friend who went to say with a friend she met online in the states at age 16 (the friend was also a girl and also 16). I assume her mum talked to the other girl's parents beforehand but I don't know. And that was in the days before Skype so it would all have been via forum, msn, email and photos. It didn't go well - not because the girl wasn't who she said she was but because they found out they didn't really know each other that well without a screen between them and didn't have enough in common to really get on for that long.