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AIBU?

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Original poster

My 17 year old son has bought plane tickets to texas in America to meet a girl he met online, he is from scotland, I really need advice please.

390 replies

scottishmother · 26/03/2015 21:58

He has made his mind up to go, to be honest I thought he would have saved up more money but he has sprung it on me and is going in 2 weeks time!! I have asked him things and he has told me, and it seems fine, but he does not like me to ask him anything as he thinks it is invading his privacy lol. He has been very secretive, and this is not helping my worrying, I have said to him I will not let him out the door without him giving me a address and letting me speak to the girl who is 2 years older than him first. I need advice as to what to do please as I am going out of my mind.

OP posts:
Redhead11 · 27/03/2015 07:40

He is Scottish, so is an adult under Scottish law. If he doesn't have enough money to support himself for the time he is planning to spend in the US, there's a fair chance US immigration won't allow him into the country. While I would be desperately concerned about this, there is nothing the OP can legally do to stop him going, because there appear to be no grounds for her having him sectioned, which is the only way i can see for this to be stopped. If he doesn't have contingency plans, OP, you need to have some just in case he requires to be bailed out.

blossomweary · 27/03/2015 07:49

OP you can get a passport within 25-48 hours, you don't even have to have a very urgent reason. It will involve travelling to London to get it in person or using an agency. In this instance, if I didn't have the money myself, I would be begging, stealing it or borrowing it from whomever I could. If he won't wait, I would get your arse to the passport office sharpish and get on that plane with him.

Who knows, it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship with your prospective in laws but I would do it. If something untoward happened and you could have prevented it, well.

yogeek · 27/03/2015 08:04

I don't know if anybody has already suggested this but could the girl come to you first?

Pyjamasandwine · 27/03/2015 08:19

Ask him what all the secrecy is about? Adults act rationally and share their plans. They have back up plans. He's acting like a child.

I agree with putting as many obstacles in his way as possible and investigate this girl in every way possible until you have more info.

SquinkiesRule · 27/03/2015 08:37

Can he give you the address so you can look on google maps and street view so you can see where the house is, how rural it is etc?
Chances are he'll get turned around at the border anyway with not much money and a ticket for three months out (I hope he counted it as 90 days so he's not over)
Even if they are "in love" he can't just stay. I hope he realizes this. He should be planning his education or training for his future.

WyrdByrd · 27/03/2015 08:50

He has already hidden his passport

Not exactly the most mature behaviour...at least he is willing to facilitate you talking to the girl and her family.

Renniehorta · 27/03/2015 08:52

I know that I am lucky as my ds and I have been through it and it all worked out really well. Just check out these people are who they say they are, be brave and let him go.

It was the making of my ds. My dm kept telling me to hide his passport etc but even she was amazed how he improved for the better when he came home. She really liked the girl when she came to stay with us.

I cannot emphasise what a positive experience it was for my ds to travel and see how other people live, which made him realise how much better off he was in the UK. It made him more thoughtful, kinder, ambitious and independent. He was going nowhere stuck at home mostly in his bedroom forever limiting his horizons. He came home from the US so much happier. It was like getting another ds home.

If it is safe let him go!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/03/2015 08:55

Again, he is an adult under Scottish law.

He could already be married.

He could be in the army.

He had the right to vote in the referendum.

OP obviously knows her son and is concerned he isn't mature enough to do this, but there is NO legal way of preventing it.

Can you do a big list and ask him how he's going to pay for
-health insurance
-transfers
-food at the airport
-his share of household expenses (surely he doesn't expect the girl to pay for everything?)

Where is he even getting the ticket money from?

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 09:00

Stealing his passport will only work in the short term and strengthen his resolve in the long term. I would have found that kind of behaviour unforgivable at that age, even if I still lived with my parents.

I think that the best things is to be very supportive and understanding and casually ask him about visas, health insurance, mobile phone, access to cash and the costs of transactions...

Bakeoffcake · 27/03/2015 09:09

Viv. No one is going to steal the passport, it's going to get "lost".

I'd do everything and anything to stop my Dd doing this at 17.

CSIJanner · 27/03/2015 09:15

Stealing a passport is a bit much. You could however report it missing to the passport agency, seeing as you haven't seen it nor know where it is. It's a blooming mean to do, but a possibility.

Wannabestepfordwife · 27/03/2015 09:30

When I had just turned 17 I was naive, vulnerable and mentally unstable and went travelling around Europe with a boyfriend my DM hardly knew and she had never spoken to his family.

I was a lot sneakier than your DS as I didn't tell DM till I was at the airport. I had one of the best times of my life and DM came out to Paris for a weekend saw I was fine.

Wannabestepfordwife · 27/03/2015 09:33

What I'm trying to say is it's not all doom and gloom and your DS is trustworthy if he's told you he's going and not just gone.

You don't seem unreasonably calm as some pp are trying to suggest you seem to be wanting to do the best thing for your DS and you know what that is better than people over the internet

VeryAgedParent · 27/03/2015 09:35

I went through this with my son and he was 18 at the time. She came to stay with us the next year, utterly delightful girl, 9 years on they hope to marry.
Don't be too Judgemental, but tell him to come home immediately if it doesn't work out.

VeryAgedParent · 27/03/2015 09:39

Further Ds's "friend" was from Texas too! I understand that a lot of Texan men (especially from the rural areas) are slightly misogynistic in their views and young men from the UK are perceived to have charm and are more respectful towards women Wink

Casimir · 27/03/2015 09:41

What a great adventure! 17, he will learn so very much, about life, women, the world, outstanding. It will be done in 6 months, and he will come back a man.
Let him know you are on his side and he will return. If not, he will not.

AmyElliotDunne · 27/03/2015 09:46

Rennie what a lovely story. I can't imagine my nearly 15 y/o being mature enough to travel that far on his own in a couple of years and he's pretty free-range compared to some!

I know that living away from home at Uni was an essential part of my growing up and I then went off to live abroad for a year at the age of 21-22. TBH I still felt like a kid then and couldn't believe that my parents were ok with it, despite me having a job lined up with a British company. Looking back they were probably just glad I was moving on!

I watch Catfish too and am always skeptical, but having met my DP online I am also open to the idea that not everyone on the internet is a hairy handed trucker trying to reel in innocent young people for their own evil gain.\

OP I think you need to impress upon him all the points people have made about US immigration laws and needing a certain amount of money etc. Try to get him a flexible return ticket and make sure he has some cash up front (he still has a couple of weeks to earn it) as he can't rely on his GF to support him, then wish him bon voyage and cross your fingers!

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 09:55

Viv. No one is going to steal the passport, it's going to get "lost".

Why the " "?

crymeariverwoo · 27/03/2015 09:55

I do understand that you just want him to be happy and that he was bullied etc.. but you both sound very naive! Chances are she is a normal person and everything would be great but seriously, he is still classed as a child (UK ) and it doesn't sound as though he is very mature. You seem a bit too calm! Anything could happen, anything. Majority of the posters here have pre warned you about that, you asked for opinions and that's what people are giving. I am 22 and I wouldn't fly out to America to meet someone I had met online. it's just too far and so much could go wrong.

sashh · 27/03/2015 09:58

Why on earth does he think US immigration are going to let him in?

The condition on most visas is that you are able to support yourself for the duration of your stay, the US government will have an amount they will expect him to have on him.

Even if he has the money why would he be let in? I assume he has no job to return to or other 'good' reason he has to return such as property or family (as in his children not parents).

I have met up with people I've met online and I have a friend in Canada who has been to see me a couple of times from an online friendship so I'm not totally against this but he does sound naive.

What does the girl do? Is she working? I doubt she can support him for 3 months. What about medical insurance?

Most importantly do her parents know about this? Is he just going to turn up one day? What if they hate each other on sight? what are his plans.

How would you feel about having her to stay for a few weeks?

I agree you need to talk to her and her parents, it could be a lovely friendship that will last for ever, but it could also be so many other things.

Would he be better doing something like Camp America and her do the same?

He also needs to read up on what is / is not acceptable. If (and it's a huge if) it is true love and they decide to marry there and then he could end up in prison for not stating his true intention on his visa.

He could also end up in trouble if he attempts to take Kinder eggs or haggis in to the country. It lots of little things he needs to know.

When I was at uni another student had arranged to meet with someone fro the internet in London. I didn't go to uni until I was in my 30s so I took over as 'mum' and insisted on a phone call at the very least and that I would go with her to meet him. It is what people do, not to spoil things, but because we care about them. He should understand that.

You could stop him going until he is 18, but it might be more sensible to just ensure there are loads of safety nets.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 27/03/2015 10:04

What's the age of consent in Texas? Are her parents really happy with an unknown boy turning up and living in a (presumably) one bed granny annexe with their daughter? And 3 months is craziness.

I had a work visa for the U.S. all signed off yet still when I got to immigration I was hauled in to a room, had a go through all my work contracts, show financial information etc. I would be amazed if they let him into the country.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 27/03/2015 10:05

And I met DH online so am absolutely not against making friends or relationships over the Internet.

ragged · 27/03/2015 10:08

You can look up any American resident online, just type their name & address sin. There are loads of American find-people websites. Not hard to verify basics like address, homeownership, drivers' license. etc For that matter, just ring her up, ffs, and talk thru your worries ,get the contact address etc.

American friend went thru this only his 17yo (DD) wanted to fly off to Honduras. I was trying to give him advice (they are short of contacts who have been to Central America).

"Own house" probably means renting, Americans use language differently.

I'd be sitting him down to watch Deliverance but then I'm evil...

mudkicker · 27/03/2015 10:12

I'd insist on Skyping the girl first, but otherwise I'd let him go with the proviso that he keeps in touch every day. Some people do meet people they love online, and if they've been talking for two years they're already very close. Think of it from his perspective - I'd have hated at 17 to have been prevented from meeting what I thought could be the love of my life (yes, she very likely isn't going to be the love of his, but he doesn't know that).

Three and a half years ago I was living in Thailand when I met a man online who lived in England (I'm Irish). Within five weeks he'd flown me to Heathrow to meet him and I'm now typing this on his sofa. Sometimes it does happen. Let him do it.

Here's a thread from Metafilter you might find useful, including some perspectives from parents who also said go for it:

ask.metafilter.com/258835/Sanity-check-on-teenagers-and-their-whims-please

MrsHathaway · 27/03/2015 10:14

All the posters arguing about whether DS is an adult in Scotland have missed the point very well put by a very wise pp:

Also, he needs to understand that in the US, he is considered a minor. If there are any problems, because even innocent people run afoul of the law (Especially in Texas), he will need a responsible adult to vouch for him. Are this girl's parents willing and able to stand in loco parentis for him?

Alcohol laws, for a start.

I went to live abroad as a rather gauche 17yo, but in a country with excellent public transport, very similar laws to the UK, and reciprocal healthcare arrangements (E111 as it was then). I also had access to proper adults who knew my parents (who picked me up from the airport when I arrived) so that if I'd had a crisis there was someone to fall into that role.

OP if you can afford it I really think you should go. DS and the girlfriend both sound hopelessly naive.

The immigration issue is a big issue. Medical insurance is a huge issue. At the very least you need to be 100% confident (as in, check the paperwork yourself) that those bases are covered. You don't want to be dealing with foreign police.