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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 17 year old son has bought plane tickets to texas in America to meet a girl he met online, he is from scotland, I really need advice please.

390 replies

scottishmother · 26/03/2015 21:58

He has made his mind up to go, to be honest I thought he would have saved up more money but he has sprung it on me and is going in 2 weeks time!! I have asked him things and he has told me, and it seems fine, but he does not like me to ask him anything as he thinks it is invading his privacy lol. He has been very secretive, and this is not helping my worrying, I have said to him I will not let him out the door without him giving me a address and letting me speak to the girl who is 2 years older than him first. I need advice as to what to do please as I am going out of my mind.

OP posts:

Frostox · 26/03/2015 23:40

WOW I am horrified at all the people saying to steal his passport! Firstly, that's illegal - if he owns an adult passport (being aged over 16) then it absolutely is a crime for another adult to withhold that from him. Secondly, sure I get that you would be concerned about the situation but after he has saved money himself for the trip, bought the tickets and made the plans I would be AMAZED if your relationship survived such a disrespectful authoritarian (and criminal) move. At 17 I worked, saved money and then went and worked in Eastern Europe, on my own, for a few months. My dad wasn't happy about his daughter doing that, and we had many long and arduous talks about safety and back up plans and how scary the world is. But I was not a child, just like the OPs son is not a child - and had my dad denied my agency and stolen from me to stop me from doing something that I wanted to do and had paid to do? I would never have forgiven that. So to those of you advising passport theft - I do hope you never end up in this situation...

OP I do understand why you would be so worried. But I think all you can do is insist on skyping her, having a number of emergency contacts and all relevant addresses and make sure that you have discussed all travel plans (and emergency get out plans) in detail. And contraception, that too. I think that you'll get much further by treating him with respect and letting him know that he should be excited about this as independent travel is amazing and this trip could be awesome, but that he needs to be careful and prepared - and that if anything goes wrong he can call you and you'll work it out together.

Alternatively, listen to previous posters and if you can't find his passport then threaten to bar the doors and treat him like a dumb kid, see how far that gets you, and what it does to your relationship.

debbriana · 26/03/2015 23:42

All am going to say is that this sounds more like catfish. He should Skype call if not do not let home get on a plane.

TheHermitCrab · 26/03/2015 23:48

My brother did this and went to Canada. And as a teen girl (dial up internet days) I met so many strangers from online (in my own country), LUCKY ME they were all who they said they were, I'm still friends with most of them now.... crazy and dangerous!!!

Even though it went well for me... wouldn't recommend it. Wouldn't do something as dishonest as hide the passport though...

friendofsadgirl · 26/03/2015 23:49

For those who say he is not an adult, he is under Scottish law. He can marry, enter a civil partnership and has the legal capacity to enter into any transaction. For Scottishmother* to stop him acting as an adult she needs a court order!
My DS is slightly older but not much. He is going abroad to work for 3 months. The arrangements are not as well planned as I would like but it's his life and his money.
OP, I'd do/am doing the following:
Research the area he is going to with him and the people he will be with. If he's going then best make sure he knows as much about the situation as possible.
Tell him that you need to be able to contact him whenever/wherever. Make sure you know how to Skype him. Get him a tri band mobile phone and arrange a contract.
Ensure you have a way of getting funds to him- PayPal?
Research hotels/ hostels in Fort Worth in case he needs somewhere to go if things don't work out.
Check how flexible his return ticket is.
Plan an 'escape route' with him, just in case.

Hope that helps??

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 26/03/2015 23:50

www.whitepages.com/white-pages/fort-worth-tx

I hope it works out for him, but I would be extremely anxious over this.

TheCraicDealer · 26/03/2015 23:54

Can you Skype someone but not video chat, like a 'normal' phone call over an internet connection? If he's relying on her voice alone, she may well be the same gender and nationality as she's presented but still be a very different proposition to the person he thinks he's going to meet.

I think I would sit down and ask him about what he knows about her and how he knows it- ie. how much (if any) of the info she's given him can be substantiated by other sources.

Summerisle1 · 27/03/2015 00:03

I doubt he'll get any further into the US than the wrong side of the immigration desk. They ask very searching questions and if they don't like the answers or consider there's any chance of someone overstaying their visa they'll put them straight back onto the next plane. A virtually penniless 17 year old who plans to stay the full 90 days with someone he's never met is going to go down really well with US Immigration.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/03/2015 00:13

God this is a hard one for you OP. I would be extremely concerned about this situation.

first, that she wouldn't be who she says she is.

second that even if she is, she will get fed up of him and dump him out with no money etc.

Plus, frankly, a 19 year old who pays for a 17 year old from Scotland she has never met to come and - presumably - have a relationship/3 months of sex with her in Texas is deeply bizarre anyway imo

Of all the states in the union to go to as a 17 year old off on a whim, Texas would be the last on my list. If he ended up arrested for ANYTHING there (and bear in mind, and remind him it is illegal to drink until 21 in Texas), it would be a deeply deeply unpleasant experience. Especially as a non US citizen/green card holder.

I am bemused at the idea that a 17 year old is an adult just like the rest of us. I know they are nearly there but designating them adults at 16 seems to rob children of the protection of childhood. Their brains haven't even fully mylenated at that point. Should a 17 year old get the same penalty as a 50 year old if he commits an offence? Does that mean in Scotland you don't need to support children past 16? How hard on kids that must be.

Unexpected · 27/03/2015 00:16

At 17 should your son not be in school/college? How is he managing to go away for three months?

You have presented a number of statements as fact e.g.her parents know he is coming/she lives in a house owned by her parents etc. You don't know if any of this is true - this is just what your son told you, which he could be making up to keep you happy or which he might believe himself but might just be a story which this girl is spinning him.

When they chat on Skype, do they have video chat or is it just voice? Has he ever seen this girl?

Mrsmorton · 27/03/2015 00:19

Do you live with your son? Sorry, I couldn't see

LittleBearPad · 27/03/2015 00:28

You sound oddly calm op. I'd be climbing the walls.

AlpacaMyBags · 27/03/2015 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 27/03/2015 00:32

If, at 17yo, he has completely failed to take on board any of the messages about internet safety that have been rammed down children's throats for the last decade, then I would say that he is too naive, immature and ignorant to be allowed out alone. TBH he sounds like a walking disaster.
Has he no sense of self-preservation?

Zucker · 27/03/2015 00:34

Totally possible to fake a video chat. I'd be wanting to put her on the spot and have her actually write something you have requested and hold it up so you can read it for proof she is who she appears to be in the video.

Pipbin · 27/03/2015 00:40

Could you persuade him to go for a shorter time? I don't think you'll be able to talk him out of it completely but this might be a good compromise.

zippey · 27/03/2015 00:44

It's not ideal but if you speak with the girl and her parents to prove its legit then I would let him go. You could even go with him for the first weeks. A passport can be gotten within days.

DisappointedOne · 27/03/2015 00:47

Erm, I lived away from home at 17 (still at school and doing a levels but had to work to pay my way etc) and bought a house at 19. This boy should be pretty self sufficient by now, not treated like a little boy.

DragonfliesDrawFlame · 27/03/2015 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippey · 27/03/2015 00:56

And please don't do anything like take away his passport. As a parent, you have brought him up for 17 years to enable him to be independent. Trust him to make the right decisions and to learn from the wrong ones.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/03/2015 00:56

DisappointedOne, it is great that it worked out for you but there was a thread on here recently about teenagers being on their own and many many people posted about how alone they felt by being made to be self-sufficient at 16/17 and how hard life was for them and how long it took them to catch up.

There is a big difference between treating a 17 year old like a little boy and treating him like a 17 year old.

And for what it is worth, if my 25 year old sister was doing similar on the basis of nothing more than internet chat, I'd be telling her seriously that she shouldn't go under those circumstances. the difference would be that when she got to Texas she would at least, be regarded as an adult. he won't be (well except for the purposes of criminal responsibility - then he will definitely be treated as an adult).

he could well end up in an illegal immigrant detention centre in Texas. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.

itsveryyou · 27/03/2015 01:39

I think as he's 17 you and he should be able to sit down and discuss his plan, his back up plan, and what he would do in an emergency. He needs to understand that you are concerned and that you care for him enough to need to know where he will be staying. I wouldn't necessarily tell him he couldn't travel, and certainly wouldn't hide his passport, but he needs to understand the potential pitfalls, the things which can go wrong, and have a plan to get out if he needs to. I presume he's flying into DFW? The immigration officers there at the desk aren't likely to ask him about how much money he has, but they will take his photo and fingerprints, ask him questions about the nature of his visit, he will need a fixed address to give them, and if they have any concerns, they could detain him for further investigations. I live in Fort Worth, so if you can find out any more details let me know and I'll tell you what I know about the area she lives in.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/03/2015 01:44

sorry another thing - how will he manage for health insurance. If he required medical or hospital treatment for any reason during the 3 months, he will be charged for it.

itsveryyou · 27/03/2015 01:47

Oh, and advise him to get very good, comprehensive travel insurance. He really, really doesn't want to get sick in America and not be insured for treatment.

itsveryyou · 27/03/2015 01:48

Oops, great minds, X post!

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2015 02:04

Also, he needs to understand that in the US, he is considered a minor. If there are any problems, because even innocent people run afoul of the law
(Especially in Texas), he will need a responsible adult to vouch for him. Are this girl's parents willing and able to stand in loco parentis for him?

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