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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish mil would accept her grandaughter

106 replies

mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 00:13

My DS is three and a beautiful, bright, funny wonderful little girl. She is a little shy but since starting pre-school she is steadily growing in confidence. She is starting to interact a bit more with adults and children and we are gently supporting her.

However my mil cannot accept her shy nature. She thinks there must be something wrong with her and keeps asking me why she's not as outgoing as her cousin who is the same age. She has now labelled her a "loner" and I'm hurt and furious. What a cruel label to pin on a child of that age. She's obsessed with DD's lack of social skills and doesn't want to hear anything positive about her. I'm getting tired of trying to "sell" my dd to her own grandmother - surely she should dote on her - isn't that what grandparents do?

I'm really at a loss to know how to deal with this woman. If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 26/03/2015 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 00:15

Thanks but honestly that's not an option for me.

OP posts:
Kampeki · 26/03/2015 00:17

No advice, I'm afraid, but she sounds awful! Can you minimise contact? It won't do dd's confidence any good if her own grandmother is constantly finding fault.

She will blossom in her own time. :) I was painfully shy all through my childhood, but nobody believes me when I say it now!

Pyjamasandwine · 26/03/2015 00:18

Oh tell the silly bitch that she's the one with the problem.

Mind you op your post does say your ds is a wonderful little girl!! Maybe mil is confused. Grin

Seriously don't bother to engage.

Your child is obviously lovely and mil is a twat.

EatShitDerek · 26/03/2015 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pyjamasandwine · 26/03/2015 00:20

Updated. Your primary option and responsibility is to protect and validate your dd.

What's the situation?

Kampeki · 26/03/2015 00:21

Sorry, x post. If you have to see her, then I think your DH needs to speak to mil firmly and directly, stating that her views on dd's social skills are not welcome and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

If DH doesn't have the balls to say it, then you'll have to do it instead.

fattymcfatfat · 26/03/2015 00:26

my gran did this with me and my cousin. we are 3 days apart and she was annoyed because I wouldn't say bugger Hmm

I know you say keeping your DD away isn't an option but it is something you may need to consider. I grew up knowing that my dads side of the family, his mother especially had nothing but contempt for me and my brothers. even visiting her in hospital on her death bed the last thing she ever said to me was "where is xxx" (cousin)
that hurt me. my reply? I hope you die. I was ten. she died. I blamed myself.

I have no contact with anyone from that side of the family. except my dad who I see rarely. (when he can be bothered to show up on my doorstep)

Pyjamasandwine · 26/03/2015 00:31

fatty their loss and they sound vile.

And jealous. Flowers and a Wine and glad you had the power in yourself to say that to her as a 10 year old. She deserved it. Don't feel guilty. You were a child.

fattymcfatfat · 26/03/2015 00:40

pj thank you. since my parents split I haven't had anything to.do with them I just wanted to.move on with my life.
it isn't nice as a child to live through that. I hope you can fix things before your DD is affected OP

ChasedByBees · 26/03/2015 00:44

Why can't you keep her away OP? She will damage your DD.

sunbathe · 26/03/2015 01:57

My step-grandmother called me shy all the time. She sometimes minded me during the day when I was too young for school.

I don't know whether I was shy or her telling me to 'hide, hide' from my (perfectly nice) uncle when he called round, made me shy.

I do know it damaged me though.

boocrazylife · 26/03/2015 02:05

why is it not an option?

You are the mother you control the situation

So why is it not an option?

FeijoaSundae · 26/03/2015 03:42

The only advice anyone can give is to minimise contact, because that's the only thing you can control.

You can't control her behaviour.

Littlecaf · 26/03/2015 05:40

Ask her not to call your DD names. If keeping her away is not an option then make sure she gets lots of positive interactive reinforcement that she is lovely and can be sociable and not shy in all other parts of life. Fingers crossed she'll grow out of it and form her own opinions of her grandma.

Best of luck!

MagelanicClouds · 26/03/2015 06:01

What is it with some people that they can't accept that some are people are different to them?
Speaking as a shy kid who turned into a shy adult, having a go at me about it was no help at all!
Tell DD to ignore mil as much as possible, she doesn't need anyone knocking her confidence. Tell mil that she's not shy - she's a deep thinker!

ApocalypseThen · 26/03/2015 06:21

Well obviously she's evil - that goes without saying, you only have to mention that she's a mother in law and we get that - but is there any chance at all that it's poorly expressed concern rather than an attempt to destroy everything in her path?

manchestermummy · 26/03/2015 07:12

That's helpful Apocalypse. It can be sometimes easier to tell your own mum to stfu than than the MIL, for example, hence the context is useful.

YANBU btw. My FIL is like this with my DD2. He can't stop criticising her. She is four. Lately he seems to have decided she is so different to her sister that they cannot possibly have the same father. Unsurprisingly having my integrity questioned in this manner is beyond hurtful so I will be minimising contact from now on.

Incidentally your DH should be tackling his mum.

Sugarfreeriot · 26/03/2015 07:21

You need to sit down and have a word. You need to firmly tackle hose comments when they are brought up. Does she say it infront of dd? If be tempted to say "yes dd does have little confidence but I doubt growing up listening to her own grandmother call her a loner and repeatedly ask what's wrong with her are going to help that"
It's not fair in the slightest and incredibly damaging for anyone let alone such a small child. I wouldn't have my dd around her but you say that's not an option so nip it in the bid before it affects your little girl. Flowers

Hissy · 26/03/2015 07:29

Your only 'option' is to protect your dd.

Have you ANY idea of how damaging this stuff is?

Firstly you call this woman out on what she says,

every. Single. Time. She. Pipes. Up.

Then you tell mil that until she is prepared to be a healthy part of family life, that you will be distancing her from your child.

And you spend the rest of your life being there for your Dd. bolstering and supporting her as she gains confidence and trust in the world.

FatherHenderson · 26/03/2015 07:36

First of all, stop trying to sell your DD. It is obviously not working.

Then pull your MIL up on it. Every single time.

And if that does not work, sit MIL down and say, there is NOTHING wrong with DD, but there will be if you don't stop.

Only1scoop · 26/03/2015 07:38

Agree with pp....every negative comment. Pull her up on it. Be relentless about it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/03/2015 07:38

You and your DH need to give her short shrift. And your DD doesnt need exposure to this sort of negativity at such a young age. Why cant you limit the contact?

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 07:43

Keeping DD away from someone who belittles her and knocks her confidence should be an option. But firstly either you or your dh, depending on your relationship with MIL, needs to make it clear this isn't acceptable and what will happen if she doesn't stop it. ie no contact.

You can't force mil to accept your DD as she is, but you can stop it bring an influence on your dd.

LL12 · 26/03/2015 07:51

Try and keep her away from your MIL, I was labelled 'shy' and 'quiet' by my parents, teachers etc as a child.
It used to annoy me as I knew that wasn't the real me but it made me think that was what I was expected to be.
It took until I was 20 years old and in a job where you had to be confident and sociable for me to be able to show what I really was without any label.
Now those same people say how they wish they had my confidence yet can't answer why they labelled me at such a young age, it became quite soul destroying.