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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish mil would accept her grandaughter

106 replies

mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 00:13

My DS is three and a beautiful, bright, funny wonderful little girl. She is a little shy but since starting pre-school she is steadily growing in confidence. She is starting to interact a bit more with adults and children and we are gently supporting her.

However my mil cannot accept her shy nature. She thinks there must be something wrong with her and keeps asking me why she's not as outgoing as her cousin who is the same age. She has now labelled her a "loner" and I'm hurt and furious. What a cruel label to pin on a child of that age. She's obsessed with DD's lack of social skills and doesn't want to hear anything positive about her. I'm getting tired of trying to "sell" my dd to her own grandmother - surely she should dote on her - isn't that what grandparents do?

I'm really at a loss to know how to deal with this woman. If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 26/03/2015 10:50

getting dh to tell her to wind her neck in wouldbe my first port of call.

reducing contact,

calling mil on it everytime,

if she does not stop I wouldbe snapping back with well you are ruder thatn her other grandmother...

Darthsloth · 26/03/2015 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackieharris · 26/03/2015 11:13

Mil shouldn't be saying anything in front of dd but

Maybe she has a point. Maybe your dd is exceptionally shy in a way you don't notice because... Have you been around fewer DCs than her?

Has she been in social settings before now?

What do other people/her father say about her shyness?

Mil sounds a bit out of order but don't let that distract you from what may be a real issue for your dd. A lack of social skills could be a sigh of asd which is frequently overlooked in girls.

OttiliaVonBCup · 26/03/2015 11:37

Jackle that might be true, OPs DD might be exceptionally shy, but in that case the best for MIL would be to approach OP and share her concern with her, not in front of DD.

OttiliaVonBCup · 26/03/2015 11:38

Oh, sorry, the OP isn't quite clear how MIL does it, so I might be wrong assuming she does it in front of the girl.

Angelto5 · 26/03/2015 12:08

My ds(16) is labeled as a loner. But he does have a very small social circle of friends he trusts. In his words he doesn't waste energy/ time on nasty people.

If mil makes the comment again OP I would reply "oh she's not shy she's just very selective with whom she thinks is worthy of her attention (in a nice way if you prefer).

Damnautocorrect · 26/03/2015 13:33

Angel I like the way your son thinks.

Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 13:51

Thanks for your kind responses. I'm staggered though to think people are telling me it's not all about me - when on earth did I say it was? When I say it's not an option to completely cut contact I mean that my fil has terminal cancer and my DH wants our DD to get as much time with his parents as possible. I think I would rather challenge the behaviour and attempt to put an dvd to it and I've had some very good advice on how to do so. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 13:51

End not dvd - bloody autotext!

OP posts:
Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 13:52

Dd hasn't heard mil's comments but God help mil if she ever does.

OP posts:
geekymommy · 26/03/2015 13:52

If you aren't going to limit DD's contact with her, you need to call her on this when she does it. Otherwise, DD might think this is acceptable behaviour, that maybe there really is something wrong with her, and that it must be something important, because Grandma brings it up all the time. You don't want her thinking that, do you?

Introversion/extroversion may be hereditary, it's probably innate. It would be hard for her to change it if she wanted to. It would be near impossible for you or anyone else to change it if she didn't want to change. She can learn to fake being extroverted, as many introverts do, but that's not at all the same thing.

Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 13:57

JackieHarris - she doesn't have asd - she is very aware of other people's expressions and feelings and her language development has always been very advanced. It really is just a lack of confidence. She has started saying hello to people now and has started playing with other children at preschool although she is still a bit intimidated by louder ones. Preschool has been really good for her - she even orders her own food in restaurants now which she would have been too shy to do before.

OP posts:
geekymommy · 26/03/2015 14:00

A lack of confidence is NOT going to be helped by a grandmother constantly harping on what's wrong with her.

Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 14:01

Vivien - I don't need to get a grip thank you. It isn't damaging dd as she isn't hearing it but if it gets to the stage where she does hear just one comment then mil won't be allowed near her. What I wanted was constructive helpful advice on how to do so. Telling someone to get a grip is neither mature or helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 14:03

When I say how to do so I mean how to nip it in the bud now

OP posts:
derxa · 26/03/2015 14:03

Mil sounds as if she is taking her anger about her DH out on you and your daughter. You're an easy target because you're probably kind and loving. What does your DH do about the situation? He should be supporting you

geekymommy · 26/03/2015 14:10

The simplest way to ensure that she does not hear this would be to not have these conversations with MIL. If she starts, try changing the subject to something else she likes to talk about. If she persists, you may have to tell her that you do not want to talk about this subject. You may even need to threaten to end the conversation if she can't talk about anything other than DD's introversion.

Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 14:12

Dh does not support me. He says its just how she is and I need to just accept it. He was angry at me for being angry.

OP posts:
DazzleU · 26/03/2015 14:13

When I say how to do so I mean how to nip it in the bud now

She is just slow to warm up to situations/people perfectly normal at this age

Her preschool don't say that at all - they say she has an absolutely lovely personality

Above all reassuring in case she is GM is concerned.

Please don't label her - it's damaging

No - she picking up emotional vibes around at minute - young sensitive DC do that

Children have different sense of time - a week is a very long time to her at this age - so she bound to need to time get used to people again

Children are all different - and they change so rapidly does no one any good to compare them - besides everyone else loves DD personality

You keep on saying that but it just isn't true - I'd wish you'd stop

what do you mean she is shy - I really don't get your need to label my DD all the time

Any good?

Original poster
mommabear12 · 26/03/2015 14:17

Derxa - I'm amazed really, you would think she had enough on her plate with fil to be creating problems with her grandchildren. Yes she probably does see me as a soft touch - she looked rather taken aback when I challenged her.

OP posts:
DazzleU · 26/03/2015 14:19

He was angry at me for being angry.

Perhaps he doesn't want to cause any upset to his parents at this time?

I never found my DH much good at being supportive with his parents.

But I found being politely very firm and definite in saying things I listed above - basically your wrong in your assumptions - very affective if done every time and immediately with no apology or unsureness in my tone.

They can then try and justify their comments - but they tend to get defensive and you can just keep on well - your just plain wrong in tone and what you say comments back.

Hissy · 26/03/2015 14:30

I hear the situation, but I still say that you need to make the low contact an option. You DO need to challenge her and actually give your H a rocket too.

How DARE he not support you?

Challenge this woman every time and tell her that you won't tolerate labelling of your perfectly normal and sociable little girl.

What exactly did you say to her when you challenged her?

Hissy · 26/03/2015 14:32

Dh does not support me. He says its just how she is and I need to just accept it.

i would NEVER accept ANYONE treating my child like this, not for anyone on this earth. Your DH needs to wake up to this PDQ

ElsaShmelsa · 26/03/2015 14:36

She will be eating her words OP, don't you worry.

My DD was very quiet, wouldn't speak to anyone and was always being compared to my DNephew who is only 6 weeks older. 'Oh isn't his speech wonderful, what's wrong with your DD?'. etc etc.

DD is now 5 and has the reading age of a 9 year old. She started singing lessons and stood in town at Xmas with a microphone on a stage and sang Xmas carols, with no fear whatsoever.

Your DD will be fine. Can't say the same for your Grandmother though, she'll have to eat humble pie...

NanaNina · 26/03/2015 14:37

Mommabear If this is the first time you've complained about your MIL, you'll always get comments like the ones you've had I'm afraid. If course your MIL shouldn't be agitating about your DD being shy and calling her a "loner" is not on - at all. I'm a MIL and GM and have a much loved GD who was very shy as a child - she refused to go to birthday parties all through primary school, but blossomed at secondary school and is now a confident (but not overly so) teenager.

MIL threads always bring on a bunch of posters telling the OP exactly how to deal with the MIL - and like this one, the suggestions follow a similar pattern - "keep her away from child"/"call her on everything, be relentless"/"ban her from the house"/ "DH needs to grow a pair"/ etc etc etc. I've come across some of them before on MIL threads and it always surprises me that they are ready to pile in to pour scorn (and worse) on the MIL's head, even though there is sometimes just a short OP and the MIL's misdemeanour is fairly minor.

I did sense from your OP that your DH's stance might make things difficult, but then again, many men are loyal to their mothers and don't want her criticised. This brings forth a torrent of "he's a mummy's boy"/"time to undo the apron strings"/"needs to grow a pair"/ etc etc. Yes a DH should be loyal to his wife, but why should he be put in a position of having to upset his mother to please his wife. OK I can see it's really annoying for you mommybear and you describe yourself as furious and YES we become tigers when we become mummies and hate anyone saying anything nasty about our children....... it's like they're insulting us, .BUT with a bit of common sense and a few well chosen words, it's surely possible to get your point across in a non confrontational way. There are some examples above, but it really depends on the sort of person you are and the r/ship you have with MIL.......and none of us know that, which is the key issue here.

NOW you can expect a pile up of how to deal with your angry DH!!!