To wish mil would accept her grandaughter

[mommabear12]

My DS is three and a beautiful, bright, funny wonderful little girl. She is a little shy but since starting pre-school she is steadily growing in confidence. She is starting to interact a bit more with adults and children and we are gently supporting her.

However my mil cannot accept her shy nature. She thinks there must be something wrong with her and keeps asking me why she's not as outgoing as her cousin who is the same age. She has now labelled her a "loner" and I'm hurt and furious. What a cruel label to pin on a child of that age. She's obsessed with DD's lack of social skills and doesn't want to hear anything positive about her. I'm getting tired of trying to "sell" my dd to her own grandmother - surely she should dote on her - isn't that what grandparents do?

I'm really at a loss to know how to deal with this woman. If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.

can't believe the number of people who can't understand the phrase 'not an option', and are acting as if she surely could go NC today easy peasy. Obviously, there is more to the story. Maybe they live with or otherwise depend on MIL. maybe her DH is not the sort to be supportive in this, or worse, is anti-supportive. Telling OP that she is copping out, or being selfish is not helpful.

Ah I see the posts about your DH have already started - it's all so predictable and some poster has strong words indeed and wants you to deal with the situation in exactly the same way that she would. Oh god I pity her MIL......

NanaNina while I about people go on about going NC - like it's easy it often isn't and I think it's harder with IL than with your own family in many ways however the call her on everything, be relentless" I have found with both my family and IL and even friends does work.

You can first try reassuring them when they make comments as it may come from a position of concern - but if they continue then yes challenging the assumption behind such comments is the best thing.

Other wise IME they won't stop - you can try talking and I did to all my relatives who did this - but they may not even be capable of realise they are causing harm or realise what they are doing and the behaviour would continue.

The alternative is that you put up with such comments and the child will hear them and may well self label and it can be damaging.

Personally I found politely but firmly challenging comments such was better for me than keeping quiet getting angry and upset and my DC hearing unchallenged labels and comments harmful to them - it had the added benefit that over time the behaviour also stopped.

I'm sure the OP is capable of deciding the best approach with her own MIL.

I'm saying how I dealt with my family and sometime yes that has been my MIL - sometime my blood relatives - but my MIL doesn't need pity she has as even DH concede at time behaved very badly not just with me but with him as well and massively over step boundaries - she had to be told that no she has no input into our conceptive decisions or family size ffs - yet being firm and polite means now years later we can still get on.

"but why should he be put in a position of having to upset his mother to please his wife."

Because it's about his child who can't speak up for herself!

Why wouldn't he tell his mum to stop with the negativity?

Mommabear this is a difficult time for your family. I think you should keep everything low key but if your MiL makes snippy comments then you must shield your daughter. You have challenged her so she knows how you feel.

NanaNina - I do so wish you would look at this from the child's perspective here - you seem to think that the MIL can do no wrong just because YOU are a MIL that probably doesn't behave like this.

You can't judge everyone by your situation. MOST people are nice, normal and supportive of their SIL/GC etc, but crappy parents make crappy grandparents/ILs.

the DH should be put on the spot. Absolutely. the question why should he be put in a position of having to upset his mother to please his wife? is easily answered - to protect his own child from what IS undeniably poor/unsupportive behaviour.

He is supposed to back his nuclear family, and if his mother is undermining his wife and child, then sorry but he DOES have a duty to deal with it.

I agree calm, cool and UNITED is the way that both of this child's parents need to resolve this. The DH got angry with the OP for raising what is a difficult but important subject. He was wrong to do so. The OP was right to raise it.

Yes the mean comments need to be tackled by the OP, every single time, and no room allowed for anything to be said. The DH needs to step in too. It has to come down to the situation of if the MIL can't/won't address this, then access needs to be evaluated/stopped.

IF this child were to pick up on any of this, the negative impact on the child would last a lifetime. LONG after the MIL has gone, and may well go on to reverberate through generations. the child is little, so far so good, but little pitchers have big ears and in a very short space of time this little girl will see or hear something that will probably scar her forever.

A child's mental health and wellbeing trumps the ego of a MIL.

Lately he seems to have decided she is so different to her sister that they cannot possibly have the same father Just when you think you have heard all the insults

Lately he seems to have decided she is so different to her sister that they cannot possibly have the same father

Just when you think you have heard all the insults

MY MIL said that a lot after we'd had second DC and she was in phase of wanting us to break up.

I just laughed, as did DH, and pointed out DH looks and has very different personality to his dad, which is very true, and wasn't genetics funny.

Oddly everyone else said all the DC are like pea in the pod they look so alike. Later there was an abrupt change in tune and it was all how both DC took after FIL - and no one else .

If DC had been old enough to understand - I'd probably have been very upset. I guess I was lucky to be in a position to laugh.

Hissy I can't count the number of times I've been told that I can't accept that a MIL can do any wrong, just because I'm a MIL. Let's forget MILs for a minute, I'm a woman, a wife, a mother, grandmother, aunt, cousin, friend as well as a MIL. Please credit me with a little more sense. I don't think any other woman, wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, cousin or friend can do no wrong because I'm one of those as well.

Why do you think I judge everyone by my own situation. Not the case, but I sometimes wonder about the motives of all of you mothers who pile in to castigate the MIL in question. Is it because you have problems with your own MILs I wonder....

Yes you've made your position quite clear about whose right and whose wrong in this case, all on the basis of a few lines of text. Incredible! The OP has said her FIL has cancer, and her MIL is stressing about the child being shy and mentioned the word "loner" (we have no idea of how these comments were made, nor the tone used - it's possible she could just be worried that the child is shy and is concerned that she won't make friends and was thinking aloud - when she made the loner comment) and yet you and you think that access should be evaluated/stopped - unbelievable.

Your talk of the child's mental health and the negative impact on the child lasting a lifetime and reverberating through the generations is quite OTT in my view. The OP isn't going to take your advice no matter how many times you repeat it.

NanaNina that's twice you've been unable to see the situation from a child's point of view and instead tried to railroad with your 'MN has an anti-MiL agenda'.

• but then again, many men are loyal to their mothers and don't want her criticised. This brings forth a torrent of "he's a mummy's boy"/"time to undo the apron strings"/"needs to grow a pair"/ etc etc. Yes a DH should be loyal to his wife, but why should he be put in a position of having to upset his mother to please his wife

His mother, should not put him in this position by causing problems. His mother should realise she is not no 1 any more and he will usually love and respect his wifes opinion!

He should, above his wife and his mummy, put his tender young DC's well being FIRST!

Sorry, love and respect his wife, ( thats why he married, he married her - not tricked into marrying her ) and will respect his wives opinion.

My mother was/is like this with my dd.

My strategy has been to minimise contact and always, always, always ensure that dd hears me stick up for her and not condone any negativity coming my from mother.

It's hard work and depressing but, for me, works better than NC.

Gray'sAnalogy - you're quite right I can't see the position from the child's point of view, quite simply because the child hasn't heard these comments. If she hears her grandma comment that she is shy, well I don't think that's going to cause much harm. Probably other people will mention it too (but that'll be ok cus they aren't MILs) My grand-daughter was very shy as a young child and her other nan used to call her "shy puss" but because she loved her, no harm was done. In fact she once wrote a card saying "love from your shy puss." If the child overhears the grandmother talking about being a loner, she won't understand what that means - she's 3. OK I concede that IF the MIL continues to make comments about the child being a loner, it wouldn't be good for the child, negative labelling of children is to be avoided.

But frankly some of the talk on here of the child's mental health etc is in my view OTT and bordering on ridiculous. As for the accusation that I am "railroading the thread with my "MN has an anti-MIL agenda." Why is it considered that I'm railroading the thread because I'm expressing a different point of view from all you DILs.........

Ha! I thought the comment about the DH not being put in a position where he has to upset his mother to please his wife...........MrsAT - you don't have a shred of evidence that this MIL thinks that she is No. 1 with her son, so on what basis do you make this accusation, which is implicit in your comment? I'd seriously like an answer. And on what basis do you make an assumption that the father of the child is not "putting his tender young DC's well being first" - Ah yes because his mother made a silly comment (which the child didn't hear and wouldn't understand if she did) and he is meant to have a go at his mother, who is probably quite fragile just now given the fact that her DH has cancer."

I'm bored with all this now so goodnight and sweet dreams!

Nana sorry to have bored you but if it's any consolation I found your balanced comments the most helpful.

I am not looking to ban her from seeing my daughter. Such an action would tear the family and my marriage apart and I don't think dd would thank me for it in the long run either. I adored my own grandparents and I want her to have the same. DH's family are going through enough at the moment without me starting all that.

However, the constant drip drip of negative comments from mil are becoming an issue and it won't be long before dd will pick up on it. Her mental health is not suffering but I want her to feel accepted by her close family to enable her to gain confidence. She will certainly soon see that grandma enjoys her cousin's company more. So all I want to do is nip it in the bud and try to encourage mil to enjoy her granddaughter and stop trying to find things wrong with her. It may be her nature (she did it to dh) but it's not helpful to our family.

Thank you all for the helpful advice on how to assert myself and I'm sorry if this thread has caused arguments, it certainly wasn't meant to. I think Nana does have a point that we have to acknowledge that most problems are down to communication breakdowns and mistakes of judgement rather than people being evil.

nananina

It's sad that you think a child's MH is ridiculous. You don't seem to realise it's a complex issue and yes, comments like the MIL is making do chip away. They lay the foundation for insecurity and self doubt. You say she's only 3 so it's okay now? No, it's never okay. You don't believe she's suddenly going to stop at the magic age of oh.. 4.. 5?

OP your real problem is DH, not MIL. He thinks her behaviour is acceptable, and he is angry about your objections.

What does that say about how much he cares about DD? About you?

How do you see this developing in 5,10 years?

You can't have a positive relationship with someone who is constantly negative. Op, you had a positive relationship with your gps, that's great.

But irrelevant to your situation here.

You must challenge mil and her comments. Everyth me she makes them.

You are on borrowed time with dd. she will pick up on this negativity anytime now. You either deal with it, get the comments stopped, or remove the situations that allow them.

Your talk of the child's mental health and the negative impact on the child lasting a lifetime and reverberating through the generations is quite OTT in my view.

That's because you have absolutely no idea of what you are talking about/saying, and have no relevant experience NanaNina, you do this over and over. Your experience in some things may be useful in some instances, but when talking about MIL and negative behaviour you show a staggeringly blinkered and irresponsible attitude. You are fortunate to have lived a life without negativity/toxicity.

I don't have a mil, only a poisonous mother, and I've had the drip feed shite from her, and crappy little comments from my negative and critical father. The negativity and criticism they brought me up with knocked my confidence, and my sister's. At 3 id have been oblivious, but I remember situations at infant school that were related to their comments.

They carried on in the same vein when I had my ds. I have nothing to do with either one of them, and neither does my son. We're both better for it.

Yes I'd love to have the relationship with my parents that I had with my grandmother, but that is simply impossible. To allow them access to my son would hurt and damage him

Your situation op is not as extreme as mine, but it could end up being so. Clamp down on it now, and you have a chance of saving this.

I can't see you will get very far without Dh support though.

I know this is awful, I wish it wasn't, but you have a responsibility to your daughter and you are the only person that can prevent this.

She will gain in confidence, because she has you. Sometimes we have to be the mummabear, we have to make ourselves heard.

Good luck, you can do this

If the comments are a mere misjudgement, and you've challenged her....

Would she not have stopped them? Right away? The first time you ask?

Have a conversation with her directly, lay it out why you don't want her making loner comments and why and see what happens.

Normal people would apologise unreservedly. They would never EVER repeat the comment.

Do it and see what happens.

Oh that's horrible for you and for her to compare her with her cousin is truly nasty. Just an idea....... how about downloading and printing off some stuff about shy children? When you're at mils next casually say "oh I know you've expressed some concerns about Fred and I wondered if you'd like to take a look at this here, it's just to allay any fears you might have about her development and how as a family we can support her". I had to do a similar thing to a relative about a child of mine who had problems, worked a treat for me but more importantly for my child.

Yanbu. I grew up with this shit from my mother and it is highly damaging. Maybe show her this video:

Susan Cain: The power of introverts | Talk Video | TED.com

Just make sure that your daughter understands that there is nothing 'wrong' with her.

Bit hard reading that all MILs are evil. I hope when you all become MILs, as most of you will, you'll behave better than Mommabear's. I think it would be a good idea to have a quiet talk with her, or if you can't your DP should, and tell her how damaging it is for a child to hear such negative comments. I suppose she may just be expressing her anxieties and not realise the effect they will have. If she doesn't stop, then see much less of her until she gets the message and if she asks why you don't come round anymore, tell her.
On a different point: given the stick that MILs generally get maybe there should be a MILSNET. Or is there one already?

OP, my DC is a bit older than yours (a few years or so) and we've had similar, but not the same.

DC is now old enough to understand the comments and has asked why Nanna says such things.

We haven't made a big fuss, but have quietly reduced contact, in order to protect our child. In our case it's not shyness but another "limitation" which leads to unfavourable comparisons and criticism from Nanna.

I've put the ball squarely in DH's court to ensure PILs fully understand before we resume more regular contact. I think the message is finally sinking in.

I was a shy child myself and would have been mortified by such comments. How awful for your DD.

Bit hard reading that all MILs are evil

who has said this?

Some people are horrible, they grow up to be horrible parents and surprise surprise horrible GP.

OP has said that DH was treated exactly the same as this when HE was younger.

Therefore this is NOT a case of misjudgement, this is how she is. she won't change, not for anyone or anything. The OP calling her out MIGHT make her watch what she says in front of the OP, but rest assured it won't stop the woman from making the comments.

I really appreciate everybody's straitforward way of dealing with the situation. Still I'd take into account mil's circumstances and try to approach it differently.
First question to answer would be which dd's behaviour makes mil think of her lacking social skills?
The next one - is this something I'd like to change overtime? If not - just tell mil that's it's just ok for a 3yo and actually cute :)
And the last one would be how would you like your mil to teach your DD to be more sociable.
Then invent a story of how your granny you absolutely ADORED played with you a game insert the advisable mil's behaviour. And how it taught you a lot and what great time you had together.