To wish mil would accept her grandaughter

[mommabear12]

My DS is three and a beautiful, bright, funny wonderful little girl. She is a little shy but since starting pre-school she is steadily growing in confidence. She is starting to interact a bit more with adults and children and we are gently supporting her.

However my mil cannot accept her shy nature. She thinks there must be something wrong with her and keeps asking me why she's not as outgoing as her cousin who is the same age. She has now labelled her a "loner" and I'm hurt and furious. What a cruel label to pin on a child of that age. She's obsessed with DD's lack of social skills and doesn't want to hear anything positive about her. I'm getting tired of trying to "sell" my dd to her own grandmother - surely she should dote on her - isn't that what grandparents do?

I'm really at a loss to know how to deal with this woman. If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.

I don't think you need to stop all contact-at least initially but I do think you need to have a serious word with MIL whether your husband likes it or not. Tell her that the constant comparisons will not be helpful to either child and that you find the criticism of your daughter upsetting.
If MIL ever does it in front of your daughter contradict her immediately-I liked the suggestion "On the contrary her teacher says she has a lovely, friendly personality.
If this causes a row with your DH so be it. Your MILs behaviour is potentially damaging to her grandchildren.
I'm a grandmother btw who sometimes thinks MIL threads are unfair-but in this case she is being very unhelpful.
If she persists after you have pointed it out a couple of times you may need to re-think your approach.
Making comparisons between children and setting them up in competition is not good neither is sticking labels on them.

I also suggest listening too in case she is clumsily expressing concern. If that is the case you can discuss why she thinks its a problem and what she thinks would help.
If she just picking favourites I wouldn't see her much.

I missed the part about FIL's illness, sorry. It does put a different slant on the DH's attitude. I'd perhaps cut MIL a bit more slack at the moment but I still would point out the effects of this and would definitely put a stop to it if anything is said in dd's hearing.

Hello Mommiebear - sorry about saying I was bored, but the cut and thrust of some of these discussions, do get boring or tiring. SO glad to hear that you found my balanced comments the most helpful.

Does that send a message to you DILs advocating all sorts of dire things that the OP should be saying to her MIL......does it? No I thought not because you just go on with more and more vitriol - I think that demonstrates quite clearly that you aren't really trying to help the OP, but have some ulterior motives for the way you castigate someone and make all sorts of assumptions about her, on the basis of a few lines of text.

I often wonder about your motives. I am often accused of "thinking MILs can do no wrong because I'm a MIL" which is so far from the truth, but I wonder if some posters have horrible MILs themselves and so think all MILs are as bad as theirs.

Hissy you insult me and I could of course report your post but I won't because a) it's pathetic and b) I think insulting posts say far more about the poster than the recipient. You make me smile really you tell me I don't know what I'm talking about and "do it over and over" - can you not see that you repeat your advice/demands over and over again ..........really ??? You must be something of a mind reader as you accuse me of having no relevant experience - you have absolutely no idea of my experience. None whatsoever. I actually have 30 years experience as a social worker/manager in a LA children's services dept (now retired) so I think I might just have picked up a little bit of knowledge - expertise even over so many years - but if it helps you to think I know nothing, that's ok.

However you have provided a great deal of insight into the motives for the way in which you almost demand that the OP follows your "advice" which quite honestly sound more like instructions. It's regrettable that you had a "poisonous" mother and a controlling father and that must have caused you a great deal of emotional harm. I wonder if in fact this influences the way in which you respond when you hear of MILs upsetting their DILs by making comments that could be considered "put-downs" as you experienced this as a child. Have you ever heard of the psychological terms "transference" - if so you'll know that this occurs (usually in a therapeutic alliance) when the person begins to dislike the therapist because she/he reminds them of someone in their past who belittled them or judged them, or did something that caused them real distress.

and gray I didn't say that a child's mental health is ridiculous. I said that to blow this thing out of proportion by talking about it being a mental health issue is ridiculous. Oh and yes I do know about the complexities of anxieties/confusion etc in a young child and the possibility of MH problems emerging in adolescence etc. This isn't such a situation.

Mommiebear - I'm sure you are sensible enough to sort this out yourself and as some more insightful posters have said, your family is going through a very difficult time and anxieties are probably heightened. And allelujah to the poster who told the vipers to back off DH given that his father has a life limiting illness. I'm sure you didn't mean to cause discord, but it always happens - well just to clarify that - it's ok so long as all the DILs can pile in telling the OP what to do/say to the MIL in question and how DH should "grow a pair" etc., but when I pop up with a different perspective (or someone else to be fair - there are some nice level headed DILs out there...) that's when the trouble starts as has been demonstrated on this thread

Hurray for quietbatperson