To wish mil would accept her grandaughter

[mommabear12]

My DS is three and a beautiful, bright, funny wonderful little girl. She is a little shy but since starting pre-school she is steadily growing in confidence. She is starting to interact a bit more with adults and children and we are gently supporting her.

However my mil cannot accept her shy nature. She thinks there must be something wrong with her and keeps asking me why she's not as outgoing as her cousin who is the same age. She has now labelled her a "loner" and I'm hurt and furious. What a cruel label to pin on a child of that age. She's obsessed with DD's lack of social skills and doesn't want to hear anything positive about her. I'm getting tired of trying to "sell" my dd to her own grandmother - surely she should dote on her - isn't that what grandparents do?

I'm really at a loss to know how to deal with this woman. If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.

Op, I know how damaging it is to been seen as 'not quite as good' in your gps eyes. Been there, its not fun and has implications that can last a very long time.

You need to tell your MIL firmly to stop with the labels. It can be so damaging and lots of children will eventually grow into those labels if you're not careful. If they're continually hearing the word shy and loner in relation to them, they will start believing it and act accordingly.
Luckily your daughter has a mother like you that will build her confidence instead of putting limitations on her.

If you aren't willing to keep your daughter away, then you also have the option of telling your mother in law to pack it in and to love your daughter for who she is.
You also have the option of saying nothing to your mother in law and allowing your daughter to absorb the messages she is being given and internalise them
You have the option of attempting to counter them by telling your daughter positive things
I think that's about it
keep her away
let her be told these things
tell your mother in law to wind her neck in
tell your daughter that granny talks shit and not to listen

LL12, I had the same thing.
I grew up listening to adults referring to me as shy and nervous. I could never understand why, as I never felt particularly shy or nervous as a child

It was only years later when I asked my mother why I had that 'label'.
And she told me that when I was about 3 years old, she took me to the Doctor because I had a bout of eczema.
And according to her, the Doctor said I had eczema because I was nervous

But when I dug deeper, it turned out the Doctor had actually said

Certain things will make it worse. For example certain products such as soap, certain foods with colourings and also if people get nervous during times of stress, it can bring them out in a rash

My mother came away from that appointment only hearing the word nervous. And I lived with the label for the next couple of decades.
She was too stupid to see the word in it's correct context.

Parents

Luckily, I'm fairly confident now, but I spent most of my teenage years and some of my adult life avoiding opportunities because I didn't think I was capable of doing them.

I read the book The Highly Sensitive Child because Ds1 was and still is an introvert, great in small groups so not shy as such. He also had friends who were introverts. He is now almost 12.

I started using the line "why does it bother you so much?" to anyone who commented. My own family never said anything negative.

Ds1 has a cousin who is a few months older, is a second child and completely extrovert! But no-one in my family every said that the cousin's nature was somehow better than my sons and that is the point.

There is a great TED talk on this on YouTube, have a

Take her to one side next time she says it. 'MIL, I've been meaning to say this for some time. Please stop making these comments about dd. It's upsetting her.' If she says she 'was only trying to help' or some such shit just repeat that you won't have it and she must stop. Pull her up on it every time.
I've been there - my mil was like this about DS1 because he's not as tall as his cousin. It's shite

Challenge it every bloody time just say leave her alone you don't need to elaborate what the leave her alone is she will know ,

Some people feel the need to pigeonhole or label. I think that is say more about the pigeonholer than the pigeonholed IYSWIM. My DM felt the need to label people. I think that it was about her own need to order things rather than the person who was labelled.

Challenge it but remember it comes from a stupid place rather than a bad place.

For many years DM labelled DD's cousin as 'the academic one' and my DD as 'the sporty one'. This on the strength of her seeing cousin reading and DD1 going to her weekly sports club.

All of the highest order of nonsense as they were all of 8 years old at the the time.

When my dad and my cousin's little girl were children my mum and my auntie were awful. They each went on about how the other's dgd was 'better' one was too shy, one was too scruffy, one had no friends and one was always at someone's house. The two girls had little in common but could have been friends in a family context if they hadn't been constantly compared to one another.
You need to support your dd and pull your mil up on it. My cousin and I used to tell the girls it was just their grandmas being silly and certainly both were adored by their grandparents in a one to one situation.

Dd not dad in first sentence

I had similar with MIL but calling DD fat. She was told in no uncertain terns that any more of it would result in her nor seeing DD for a very long time. I told her in front of DH that she would not attack my daughters self esteem, gibe her body image issues or project her own issues onto my child. I told her if she had any issues then she was to speak to me or DH privately, not raise it in front of DD. DH wasn't to happy but tough, my daughter comes first.

For context, DD is very tall and slim but muscular as we walk loads and she swims and does gym. MIL, SIL and DH are very overweight (Mil and SIL both size 28 +) because of poor diet and lack of exercise. It was mil being concerned thatDD would 'inherit' their problem but still unacceptable. And before I'm accused of hating mil, my mothers access to add is limited and supervised closely because she is quite toxic.

OP, you don't have to cut contact, just make sure you protect your daughter andxstand up for her. You are the most important person in her life right now so protect your little one.

When you say that keeping her away isn't an option for you, well, it's not about you!

Your daughter is not accepted exactly as she is by her own GM.

What is the point in a relationship?

Challenge it every bloody time

^^ Do this - I've had to do it with various thing for my DC are relatives on both DH and my side. They love to label - and I did feel damaged me as a child - even now.

You probably won't change their minds but your DC will hear you saying that it's ok to be them.

I was much better with pfb about stopping random people labelling her shy than I was with second. I can see the difference - Second started self labelling as shy and it's taken much longer for them to become socially confident - as had to get past the label first.

Oh my very shy pfb had a hard time at nursery but has bloomed at her school - you wouldn't really apply the label shy to her.

She's not in your face loud and she's never going to be but she puts herself forward for things and at 9 she very socially adept has the confidence to try new social things and do various performing things.

I agree with TheUnwilling, that book is excellent. I feel for you op. My DD was extremely shy when she was little and quite a lot of people went on and on and on about it. Fortunately not my family but friends with more outgoing children who would act as though her shyness was weird and would signal disaster for her as she grew up. It made me worry too.

Fast forward to now, Dd is 12 and is confident, outgoing, funny and chatty just like she always was at home with us.

I agree with others, tell your MIL that all children are different and you don't want her being labelled. Tell her that she needs to encourage your Dd not put her down. I know it's hard but unless you say something she will just carry on.

I was a shy child growing up. Still am. (Or maybe an introvert, I'm not clear on the difference). My dad would always ask me why I wasn't as talkative as my best friend, why couldn't I be more like her? It really bothered me and I never felt good enough in my own skin.

You need to tell your mil to stop this. I think as a pp said "why does it bother you so much?" Is a great answer. What does your dh think? It's his mum after all, he should have a word. I'm assuming she helps with childcare which is why you can't minimise contact, but if she doesn't stop I think you should try really hard to. Your poor dd.

Not keeping away from your MIL in such circumstances is not an option but a cop out; why would you want to stay in contact with anyone, let alone a relative, who says such things to your child?. Its very damaging for your DD to hear such things and she will in future years not thank you for not protecting her from this either.

What is your man's take on all this as well, its his mother and he should too be dealing with her. Present a united front and show this will not be tolerated. Your DD will thank you.

Its a cop out on your part to state "Thanks but honestly that's not an option for me". Its not about you, its about your child.

I think, rather than pointing out to MIL that she is doing the wrong thing, which will shock her and paralyse her and make her defensive, you need to turn it round to her and train her like a toddler with positive directions and feedback.

'Why does it bother you?' is good

Also, tell her 'she needs you to do/say XXXXX', 'You need to talk this way' Why? 'because you are the adult'

I think people like this have very poor social skills, but think they are ok, because they think they are 'extrovert'. So if the child does not come to them, they see the child as in the wrong, and will not go to the child. Sometimes you have to work at it.

Get DH on board, watch the Ted talk above and make sure he really understands, and he will find ways of positively correcting his mother.

If that doesn't work, tell her she is an arse

Try telling her to STFU, for a start. Why are you letting this woman be so hurtful to your child? If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

I remember as a child being shy and it did make life hard in lots of ways. But the worse thing was when someone commented on my shyness, it made me shrink into myself even more. I wonder why it's always been ok to comment on someone's shyness and it not to be considered hurtful.
As I got older and became a bit more confident all it would take is one of those 'aren't you quiet' or 'arent you shy' to undo my rather fragile confidence.

I met someone recently who hadn't seen dd (4) since she was a baby.
'Shes shy isn't she?'
(Looks at dad) 'your not shy'
(Turns to me) 'your shy, it must be from you'

So there we have it, you can catch 'the shy'.

I do think you should pull mil up on it, she's not just labelled her shy or quiet (not necessarily derogatory) but loner. That's quite a label to stick on her.

I see parents doing it to their children.

'Oh she's shy!'and then of course the child goes of quiet.
I really wish they would not, my mother did it to me and it wasn't nice.

OP, you really have to put your MIL in place.

OP I feel your pain. I have two lovely dss who are introverts just like their dad. My father is an extrovert and he can't work them out at all. Don't do as I did and force your dd to see this woman or listen to her comments. You are your child's champion and must block all of this negativity. She's lucky she gets to see her gc at all.
Unfortunately she sounds like a classic narcissist and we know how good they are changing their actions and opinions. Pointing out her mistakes will result in her becoming defensive. This really is a very serious problem and causes lifetime scars. I wish I could be of more help.

I agree that you seem to have no idea of how damaging this constant criticism is to a child. I'd stop contact till this nastiness stops. Say I'm afraid I'm not prepared to have my child subject to constant comparisons with another child in this negative way. I don't get why it isn't an option. If she was beating your child with a stick you would stop contact. Honestly, OP get a grip and do what's right for your child.