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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really annoyed at DH's ex?

134 replies

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 09:52

Bit of background, ex and DH were uni sweethearts but broke up after 6 years about 15 years ago. Weirdly she has stayed friendly with DH's family, to the point where she goes for coffee with MIL every week and they go shopping together. She now has a 3yo DD who has got friendly with my 4 yo DD (through MIL who looks after her once a week).

Yesterday I picked DD up from MIL's where the ubiquitous ex was firmly ensconced. I was in a hurry as we had to get back to pick up DS from nursery. Ex had apparently brought along a pair of boots that were too small for her DD, and my DD was trying them on. Ex and MIL said that DD could have the boots as she liked them. I was busy trying to get her dressed and ready so we could go and get DS, so possibly wasn't as grateful as I clearly should have been.

Last night, DH gets a message from Ex saying that as I hadn't said anything about the boots or thanked her, I presumably didn't want them so could she have them back.

AIBU to be pissed off that a) she went to DH and not me, and b) that she's being so ridiculously petty.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 15:18

VeryAged - I would do but I'm going to give them back now as they are genuinely a bit tight and I don't want to be beholden to her

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 25/03/2015 15:20

Nope Yanbu. She's being 'wheird'Wink

AuntieDee · 25/03/2015 15:28

Thinking back - I've been on the other side of it a couple of times too. One EXs mother phoned me to tell me that he had been hit by a car and was in hospital and suggested I cisit. Imagine how awkward it was when I turned up and his current girlfriend was there I turned and left bwfore they saw me and left the flowers and card with reception. The second ex's mother phoned me to tell me he was in surgery for appendicitis. He was in England, I was in the far north of Scotland - not sure what I was supposed to do, I just sent him a get well text. She also texted me when his sister was in A&E and I visited her but I was friends with her before I met ex.

Neither situation was regular contact though and not initiated with me. I actually distanced myself from my friend a bit when I split with her brother.

GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/03/2015 15:36

call me what you want saycool Grin

you always did

Rainbowquiteshite · 25/03/2015 15:45

I am annoyed for you too!! As someone who has to deal with the ex that hangs around like a bad smell I totally sympathise. If I were you I'd not send any kind of apologetic text - don't play her game. Honestly I can't understand some mothers either - my parents would never continue to untrue relationships with my Ex's - they'd have more respect for my feelings than that. No harm in being polite and pleasant but shopping trips are way too cozy.

Rainbowquiteshite · 25/03/2015 15:46

Nurture relationships that is meant to say Grin

needaholidaynow · 25/03/2015 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 25/03/2015 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldraver · 25/03/2015 16:59

Being friends with your ex-MIL isnt a problem, but trying to assert your 'I was here first' importance is.

Has she alway gone round on the day your MIL has DD ? I wouldn't be happy with this if she has bunny boiler traits

GallicGarlic · 25/03/2015 17:33

"Thankyou for my spare boots. I can wear these when there is lots of mud outside"
Grin Grin Grin

Littlemonstersrule · 25/03/2015 18:03

It's nice they still get on, why should the MIL drop seeing her just because her son did. She's allowed to choose her own friends.

Maybe the OP rushing in and out just came across a little rude for somebody trying to do a nice thing.

cashewnutty · 25/03/2015 18:11

I think it is great your DP's ex is still friends with his family. My DB's ex wife still has a great relationship with my DP's. She is like a sister to me and we go on holiday together and meet up lots. She even send a mothers day card to my mum. My DB's new wife (of over 10 years now) just has to suck it up. We love his ex wife and she will always be part of our family.

laurierf · 25/03/2015 18:26

Intrigued to see what MIL's take is when you hand the boots over - presumably she either didn't know anything about how annoyed ex-P was or - being ex-Ps very good friend - she would have tried to explain that you were obviously just dashing about and meant no harm and don't worry about it… right? Fine for her to choose her own friends, including DS's ex-Ps, but the ex-Ps regular presence in your family life (not just social circle) when it's not even like there were any DCs involved from the relationship or anything, would be annoying for most people surely?!

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 19:09

Laurierf - yes I think so. It seems weird to me for her to be over there so often.

Still no reply back...

OP posts:
Andylion · 25/03/2015 19:13

YANBU.

  1. It is weird that she is friends with your MiL.
  2. It isn't as simple as her thinking you didn't thank her enough. She's asked for the boots back, FFS.
  3. If she absolutely needed the boots back, she could have gone through the OP's MiL; after all, they are best buds.
Royalsighness · 25/03/2015 19:15

YANBU. You really aren't!

The whole set up sounds bizarre and not something I would be happy about, people can call you petty but they aren't in your position. Why is MIL meeting with this woman (who she met as a teen) for coffee? Why is this woman messaging your husband and not you? Wth?

I'd give the boots back myself, but I personally wouldn't have her anywhere near my child either, call it intuition but she sounds bloody weird, where is her husband?

Hissy · 25/03/2015 19:24

Maybe the OP rushing in and out just came across a little rude for somebody trying to do a nice thing

Doing a nice thing? In the same way a note home from school asking for money for a trip is a "Voluntary Contribution"?

Kvetch15 · 25/03/2015 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Universalplanets1979 · 25/03/2015 19:55

God YANBU. she sounds hard work. Agree with others that trapping flies is better with honey than vinegar. But poor you..l reckon she is either v controlling or still harbours feelings for your DH. Or both. Your MIL is being U too... She should know it's hard for you as current DW to deal with exDW hanging around.

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 20:03

I had a reply!

A terse 'thank you'

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 25/03/2015 20:20

You have won this battle then ;)

laurierf · 26/03/2015 00:13

Feel slightly bad because it feels like a stirrer and that's not my motivation... but still intrigued about MIL's take, because to me to me it seems most telling about what role this ex-P actually has in your family…

redskirt · 26/03/2015 01:43

I think giving the boots back is a good idea. One less way for her to infiltrate herself into your family.

Kewcumber · 26/03/2015 09:23

Your Mil is an amateur when it comes to favoring the ex... My grandmother gave my Dad (her son) a letter from his ex fiancee in front of my mum... as they walked out of the church newly married!

Fromparistoberlin73 · 26/03/2015 16:50

just been abroad so please to see this running Grin

yes to whoever said she has engineered this, maybe things were calm and dull so she managed to manufacture a situation whereby

you are in the wrong
she gets to text your DH
she gets to denigrate you to MIL

I hate her on your behalf Grin- whats done is done but your antipathy levels must be SKY HIGH

she is a piece of work

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