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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really annoyed at DH's ex?

134 replies

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 09:52

Bit of background, ex and DH were uni sweethearts but broke up after 6 years about 15 years ago. Weirdly she has stayed friendly with DH's family, to the point where she goes for coffee with MIL every week and they go shopping together. She now has a 3yo DD who has got friendly with my 4 yo DD (through MIL who looks after her once a week).

Yesterday I picked DD up from MIL's where the ubiquitous ex was firmly ensconced. I was in a hurry as we had to get back to pick up DS from nursery. Ex had apparently brought along a pair of boots that were too small for her DD, and my DD was trying them on. Ex and MIL said that DD could have the boots as she liked them. I was busy trying to get her dressed and ready so we could go and get DS, so possibly wasn't as grateful as I clearly should have been.

Last night, DH gets a message from Ex saying that as I hadn't said anything about the boots or thanked her, I presumably didn't want them so could she have them back.

AIBU to be pissed off that a) she went to DH and not me, and b) that she's being so ridiculously petty.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 25/03/2015 13:24

toots maybe there's no bitching going on. I still wouldn't be happy though but that's me.

You also only have to see that OP's DH thought OP would be pissed off by the text etc and she is... I think the text and the lack of thanks is the crux here, no text/had OP said thanks there would be no problem. Look what a can of worms it's opened now!

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 13:30

Zzzz no I don't think so. He was single for quite a while between her and me though. He's a bit reticent to talk about his past tbh, it's not a conversation we really have.

OP posts:
flora717 · 25/03/2015 13:31

Personally I would have if i allowed such passive aggressive thoughts slammed down the child ace. Thank you card made by DD and a text (back on my phone) along the lines of, "DH mentioned a text, i take it you don't have my number anyway DD has done HER little thank you, (to be really bitchy you could add either a comment about DD's taste or really scratch an itch and go "there" with a comment about gratefulness for cast offs. Which perhaps is what she wants? I can get remaining friends. But making reference to it more than once is fucking weird.

AuntieDee · 25/03/2015 13:35

All I can say is I fully sympathise as I have two of these fruit loops!

Just be super nice and give her enough rope to hang herself. If she is genuine, you will develop another friendship, if she isn't, she will show her true colours soon enough...

PM me if you want to share loon stories - can't post on here as I would definitely out myself....

zzzzz · 25/03/2015 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/03/2015 13:43

I'm so gutted I didn't get to this thread in time as obviously my advice will be the best

SayCool, what you should've done is this.

NOTHING, absolutely nothing.

If anything, DH should have responded 'take it up with SayCool here's her number' showing that DH is not arsed at all. That would piss ex off more, imvho Smile

Ah well, coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Sausagerollers · 25/03/2015 13:44

I imagine the ex had difficulty hearing your thank you with her head rammed so firmly up your MILs arse, perhaps you could help your DD make a thank you card with that written in it...

Sorry, I have no patience for this type of pettiness.

Maybe if the ex had a job, a partner and a life things like this wouldn't bother her so much (& if she does have any or all of those things, how does she find the time for such inanity?)

Mousefinkle · 25/03/2015 13:45

I think she's a bit weird to send that text tbh. If I'd given someone something and they forgot to say thank you (which is easily done and I've almost definitely done it myself before...) I wouldn't be chasing them for a thank you and definitely wouldn't ask for it back! It is pretty passive aggressive of her, yes.

Also the fact she's so close with your in laws is weird, it just is.

OnlyLovers · 25/03/2015 13:51

I think she was petty and silly. Has she got nothing better to do than measure gratitude and judge people on it? Surely she and MIL could see that you were in a hurry? It's SO petty to ask for them back because she'd decided, with no real evidence, that you didn't want them.

I think your text back is fine, but personally I'd have asked your DH not to respond and ignored it completely. She sounds like a silly mare.

DonttouchthatLarry · 25/03/2015 14:00

OP I have nothing of use to add, but would just like to say I love your username Grin

worksallhours · 25/03/2015 14:08

I am pretty sure my PILs disapprove of me so I don't want to give them anything else to beat me with iyswim.

Oh heck ... this sounds a bit like the situation my mum found herself in with my grandparents. They don't have any photos of this woman anywhere, do they? Grin

I tell you how weird it was with my GPs and this ex-fiance of my dads ... I went round to see my grandma when I was about 22. By that point, my parents had been married for 23 years and dated for a good seven years before that. My granddad had died three years previously.

My grandma got out a box of family photos and was going through them all, telling me who everyone was. And there was this enormous, expensively-framed portrait of this young woman on top of the box, bigger than any photo of my dad or my aunt. I asked my grandmother and she said it was "a cousin".

I mentioned it to my mother, and she went very quiet. It turns out it was a photo of this ex-fiance and my grandparents used to display it on its own on the top of the TV. Apparently, they didn't take this picture off the TV until I was two years old and my mum and dad had been married for three years Shock. By that point, my father had ended the relationship with this fiance nine years previously.

Seemingly, the ex-fiance had never stopped treating my GPs as her future in-laws, and my GPs had reciprocated in turn. She went to their house all the time even after my father had married my mum, and helped them choose new things for their house. They just kept desperately hoping that my dad would realise his "mistake" and go back to this woman. They even invited this woman to one of their wedding anniversary parties when I was about five years old, and they did not invite my parents! And even thirty years later, they had still kept a huge photograph of her.

At the end of the day, all of it was about the fact they disapproved of my mother because she was foreign and her parents were immigrants.

I mean ... honestly.

MayLuke83 · 25/03/2015 14:13

I don't think YABU. I think you are only human to react the way you did!

morethanpotatoprints · 25/03/2015 14:21

Im going to go against the grain here, but only because you say she has parents nearby herself.
Also, does she have a mil because maybe she feels put out that the woman has an ex mil that she is all pally with.
I just think its weird tbh.

TwinkieTwinkle · 25/03/2015 14:28

I think the only weird thing here is the extreme reactions of some posters. His girlfriend from fifteen years ago is still friends with his mum. What's the problem? My best friend stayed friends with her ex's mum after their split because they had grown close and developed a relationship of their own. Her ex has no issue with that. As for the boots. OP was rude and her comments on here are very telling of her attitude to this woman. Perhaps she got sick fed up of you being passive aggressive and even rude to her (when she tried to be nice) and the text was her polite way of telling you you behaved like an arse.

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2015 14:31

I think it's fine that she's friendly with your MiL.

I think it's tactless of your MiL to encourage a friendship with the children and I don't think she should invite her round on the days she minds your DD.

zzzzz · 25/03/2015 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee · 25/03/2015 14:37

Of course OP wasn't rude - she said thank you. Doesn't matter if it wasn't to the exacting standards the ex would have preferred. & the reporting of such a trivial incident to OPs DH is the extreme reaction here. How silly and meanminded.

I remember going to meet OHs parents for the 1st time. His ex has remained friends with the family too, I'd no issue with that. I developed an issue with it on arriving there at 7pm & discovering the ex, knowing I was having my 1st "meet" later that day, had gone round there at 3pm-ish stayed for a couple of hours and had dinner - there was hardly any left when we got there as his parents had only planned for the 4 of us. I didn't care about that aspect though, just thought ffs couldn't she have found something else to do with her time for the day? Is she that needy of keeping in the loop and knowing all the nuances of OHs life?

It slipped out later that she'd thought we were coming round about 5-ish. Lovely..so, she'd have been sitting there when I got there.

People who hang onto their exes coat-tails are naff. If this ex of OPs wants to remain friends with the family well, so be it. But she is clearly over-invested and has no business messaging the DH about his wife.

SaucyJack · 25/03/2015 14:41

"His girlfriend from fifteen years ago is still friends with his mum. What's the problem?"

Um, that some girlfriend from fifteen years ago is still friends with his mum?

Move the feck on Grin

I get along well with my ex- MIL, and I'm always happy to ponce a Superking off her and have a gossip in the back garden but I'm only ever round there in the first place because I'm taking DDs 1&2 round to see her (their nan).

I wouldn't dream of hanging around my ex's family if the kids didn't exist. It's disrespectful to him- and plain weird.

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 14:43

Twinkie I don't think I was rude, and Ive never been pa or rude to this girl - quite the opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 14:49

Don'ttouchthat - thanks! Most people don't understand the reference... Grin

Goudy - (I want to call you Gouda as that's what my iPad wants to ac it to) your advice is always the best (!) and I kinda wish I'd done nothing now tbh.

Thanks everyone for your input.

By the way, she is married (didn't invite us to the wedding, even though we invited her to ours, but she invited PILs) but doesn't have a job.

OP posts:
Thankyoumrspatterson · 25/03/2015 14:57

She's a nut imo, you are dnbu

CrapBag · 25/03/2015 14:58

She is still bitter or still wants your DH. Why else would she go on about how they go way back and why does she have his mobile number? Has he never changed it? Or shouldn't she have deleted it in the last 15 years!

I would be annoyed too OP. The fact you think she doesn't really like you and that you think you ILs don't really like you speaks volumes! She doesn't because she's jealous and they don't because they were hoping their son would marry her.

Fuck the lot of them.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 25/03/2015 15:02

Agree with FromParis and Works - who in their right mind, especially once they have children of their own with someone else, has time to stay in touch with an ex's parents? What on earth does this woman's own DP think of the situation? So odd! MIL is obviously enabling the whole thing. I'd be tempted to see a lot less of her until she gave up on cuckoo-woman.

GallicGarlic · 25/03/2015 15:08

Oh, god, I'm really paranoid now Shock I'm still friends with one ex-SIL and two XH's best friends (one each), plus a few random mutual friends. I'm not in touch with the exes, apart from when we - and their wives - all 'like' something on FB.

AIBU (Am I being unflushable)?? I do NOT want these long-ago crap husbands back, by the way!

VeryAgedParent · 25/03/2015 15:16

I think the OP should get her DD to send/write/sign a thank you message in a card for the boots, or text her one!