AIBU to be really annoyed at DH's ex?

[SayCoolNowSayWhip]

Bit of background, ex and DH were uni sweethearts but broke up after 6 years about 15 years ago. Weirdly she has stayed friendly with DH's family, to the point where she goes for coffee with MIL every week and they go shopping together. She now has a 3yo DD who has got friendly with my 4 yo DD (through MIL who looks after her once a week).

Yesterday I picked DD up from MIL's where the ubiquitous ex was firmly ensconced. I was in a hurry as we had to get back to pick up DS from nursery. Ex had apparently brought along a pair of boots that were too small for her DD, and my DD was trying them on. Ex and MIL said that DD could have the boots as she liked them. I was busy trying to get her dressed and ready so we could go and get DS, so possibly wasn't as grateful as I clearly should have been.

Last night, DH gets a message from Ex saying that as I hadn't said anything about the boots or thanked her, I presumably didn't want them so could she have them back.

AIBU to be pissed off that a) she went to DH and not me, and b) that she's being so ridiculously petty.

I couldn't understand why most posts were YANBU until I realised she and your DP didn't have any kids together, which explains it! You'd definitely have got a whole heap of YABUs in that scenario.

Anyway, I think you should have said thank you, but then again maybe you did and can't remember. She shouldnt have been snidey in her text. I don't think there's anything wrong with her being friends with your MIL, my DPs ex is friends with his parents still and goes to stay with them every year, I don't mind at all.

YANBU.
She's going on about it.
Say thanks (again) and leave it at that.

So I've sent a message, hopefully not too pa. Wonder if she'll reply...

What did your text say?

I'd be more pissed off that she even has your DH's number, why does she need it! Does she have yours too? Why? ??

I am gonna go a bit against the grain here and say: op, if I were in your position, I would feel really uncomfortable about this situation.

I do think it is weird that this ex-girlfriend still goes round to your MIL and they go shopping together. I am surprised your DH has never said anything about it.

I presume she wasn't the one to originally break off the relationship? To me, this all reads like she has found a way to remain in, and informed about, your DH's life through his parents, and has embedded herself in his family. It would be thoroughly understandable if there were children from the relationship, but there aren't.

Basically, in my view, this woman is a cuckoo. She basically has inserted herself into the DIL role with your MIL; this, fundamentally, should be your space. She is even managing to still have an effect on your DH's life fifteen years after they split up by "creating" a way to send him a text message about a perceived slight over cast-off children's boots -- an incident that he was not involved with at all.

I have known a number of cuckoo situations, and it is always because the person in question refuses to let go of the former relationship and the parents secretly wanted the relationship to continue. Her talking about times before you were on the scene just reinforces this perspective.

My grandparents did this to my mother with my dad's ex-fiance, which caused no end of grief for nigh on forty years. My ILs did it with my SIL over an ex-boyfriend; she would come downstairs in a morning to find him sat at the kitchen table six months after she had dumped him. One of my parents' friends did it with their son's ex-wife (no children) to the extent that their son finally lost the plot over it and now they don't see him, his new wife or their grandchildren.

I know people think differently, but I would not be happy with this at all.

It was succinct without being brusque. I just said that DH had shown me the message, sorry for being in a rush, thanks for the boots but as they are a bit tight I will send them back via MIl.

No response yet...

And also ... she has "created" this upset over the boots. You didn't ask for them. Neither did your DH. She has engineered a scenario, with the possible naive back-up of your MIL, to insert this "boots issue" into your day, and has then kicked up a fuss because you didn't give her kudos.

I have a feeling that you couldn't win with this because you were not intended to. Had you rejected those boots, it would have been made into an issue.

I agree with worksallhours

The exes that just won't go away

Sitting there talking with your DH's family so they can find out the details of your relationship. Privy to all sorts of information about your DHs family life, etc. They insinuate themselves everywhere, all done oh so very nicely of course, so if you're uncomfortable about it then YOU are the unreasonable one. Its ridiculously passive-aggressive & competitive. A silly unkind game that people play with a smiling face..majority of people are very easily fooled by a nice demeanour.

& she has a real cheek "reporting" to DH...what for, so he could give you a good telling off & think less of you? Silly troublemaker.

As a woman to woman thing, we know when we're being "cuckooed" & there's no sense pretending differently.

I think that's what annoys me most, that she went to my DH telling tales.

And also the thought of her and my MIL sitting there after I'd left, tutting about how rude and ungrateful I am .

Totally agree with works, I was in this situation with my XH. His xp carried on going round - all this friends of the family stuff. They all said I was completely unreasonable because I didn't approve. Then I found out he'd taken DD round to see her, she held her and said it should be her baby and worse stuff After 15 years why does your DH still have her number ?

I'm sorry but after this I'd be putting an ultimatum to MIL and DH that if this woman doesn't butt out of their lives any time soon (or make it occasional, I mean c'mon coffee every week and shopping with MIL?!) then I'd be the one getting peed off.

I think this is totally OOO and it's not as if there's a child between her and your DH involved... and it gives this woman more ammunition to gossip/be nasty about you to MIL and for MIL to do the same. No, I wouldn't stand for it!

redshoesblueshoe - ugh how awful, OP please read what redshoe just said...

Tbh I think it annoys DH as well, he thinks it's a bit bizarre too. I don't really feel comfortable telling MIL who she can and can't be friends with, I just wish she'd realise that it's a bit uncomfortable for me. If I do say anything, I'll just end up being the bad person.

I'm already pretty sure my PILs disapprove of me so I don't want to give them anything else to beat me with iyswim.

redshoes- DP's narc. ex rang SIL and had a very similar "It should be MINE" rant after she found out that we were expecting our baby.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I very subtley and reasonably flushed the bunny boiling bitch out of our lives soon after.

I read the op and my thoughts are the same as worksallhours and others.

The fact that she goes round saying stuff like 'oh, me and Saycool's DH go way back' just makes me think she's trying to make sure people associate her with the OP's DH, like she has some form of prior, more important claim on him.

Not good really.

I'm friends with DP's first wife, and although she was friendly with my late MIL, and very occasionally went to see her, it was clear that with no kids, she effectively went her separate way, and it's all water under the bridge, precisely because at no time did she try to keep herself in the family.

They haven't been going out for 15 YEARS and you're still worried about it. Who cares if she's friends with the MIL? MILs are allowed to have friends. It seems so bizarre to tell someone they can't be friends after that amount of time. My husband is still friends with exes from school / uni and it's 15 years ago now and I don't care. Because he married me. And they married other people. They obviously didn't want to be together. I never think of them as 'Exes' just old friends. If the OP has a problem after 15 years I think it's probably her problem, not the MIL, DH or 'Ex'.

X post zzzz - I think DH was annoyed by the text, and he knew it would piss me off so he didn't tell me till this morning (he got it last night). He won't do anything about it thoug. He's all for a quiet life, my DH, won't do confrontations of any sort.

OP - I can see why you don't want to make waves but then maybe a chat with someone (can't think who) would be in order... honestly I don't know how to word it so you don't sound PA etc...

I personally would've knocked it on the head years ago but I'm an evil cow just because I wouldn't stand for it!

This woman knows exactly what she's doing and especially re dripping poison into MIL's ear... if she were any kind of decent person she'd step back and out or not engage with you/DH.

Toots, yep I see what you're saying, and I have fully admitted to being irrational and unreasonable. It's not that I think she wants him, or anything like that. I can't even really properly articulate why it annoys me, it just DOES.

toots its fine if the ex is friends with MIL but not if she texts OP's DH over this and also not if they obviously run down/bitch about OP behind her back. of course OP can do nothing about this but it affects her relationship with her own MIL, from where I stand.

superfly there's no evidence that that MIL and Ex were bitching about anyone, that's just what the OP worried what was happening. If the MIL relationship is impacted that much by 'bootgate' then I imagine there are bigger problems underlying here.