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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really annoyed at DH's ex?

134 replies

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 09:52

Bit of background, ex and DH were uni sweethearts but broke up after 6 years about 15 years ago. Weirdly she has stayed friendly with DH's family, to the point where she goes for coffee with MIL every week and they go shopping together. She now has a 3yo DD who has got friendly with my 4 yo DD (through MIL who looks after her once a week).

Yesterday I picked DD up from MIL's where the ubiquitous ex was firmly ensconced. I was in a hurry as we had to get back to pick up DS from nursery. Ex had apparently brought along a pair of boots that were too small for her DD, and my DD was trying them on. Ex and MIL said that DD could have the boots as she liked them. I was busy trying to get her dressed and ready so we could go and get DS, so possibly wasn't as grateful as I clearly should have been.

Last night, DH gets a message from Ex saying that as I hadn't said anything about the boots or thanked her, I presumably didn't want them so could she have them back.

AIBU to be pissed off that a) she went to DH and not me, and b) that she's being so ridiculously petty.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 10:32

Epona you're absolutely right. I'm just being a bit of a twat!

To be fair, I've never been funny with her, and always been nice. I actually get the feeling she doesn't like me.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 25/03/2015 10:32

If you took the the boots she clearly knows you wanted them. She wants you to grovel to her because she feels you didn't enought the first time.
I would send them back to your mils then ignore her.

I find it weird when exs hang around with their ex husbands family when there are no family ties like children.
I had to give my in-laws an unlimitum over DH ex-wife but that was for a far more serious issue than boots.

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 10:33

X post.

Epona I AM grumpy and slightly weird! Grin

OP posts:
shoofly · 25/03/2015 10:34

I hate her on your behalf but whatever you do don't give the boots back. If your Dd gets upset it'll be further evidence that you have a problem with her.
I'd kill her with kindness - gushy text saying sorry I wasn't thankful enough - was in a rush and when she makes remarks about your DH and her going way back I'd be twinkly laughing and brushing off ancient history. You need to rebrand her in your head as 'annoying family friend' & rise above.

ivykaty44 · 25/03/2015 10:39

Op did you want the boots?

I know it is clear that mil, dd and ex wanted your dad to have the boots, which is fine.

You say you weren't as grateful as you should have been...does this mean you didn't say thank you at all? Or did you say thanks and go?

I get the impression she wants to be friends but you don't ( nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends) is that the correct impression

Just send the boots back and hopefully she will not repeat the same situation in the future

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 10:40

I'm concerned that any reply I make will be passive aggressive!

'Dear x. Thank you so much for the boots. DD loves them! It's so nice that her feet are smaller than your daughter's. I'm sorry I wasn't appropriately grateful yesterday. i promise next time to grovel at your feet and weep tears of pure gold.'

Hmmm. Might edit that a bit...

OP posts:
Fromparistoberlin73 · 25/03/2015 10:42

It's so nice that her feet are smaller than your daughter's

Grin
Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 10:44

I can't help it. I'm not a nice person! Grin

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 25/03/2015 10:48

Dear X, build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it..... and I don't just mean the boots.

Sincerely, Saycool.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 25/03/2015 10:48

Dear x thank you so much for the boots DD loves them very much. I'm sorry if I didn't appear appreciative yesterday but unfortunately I am just so busy at the moment that my mind was on other things.

Grin should put her back in her box a bit it basically says she wasn't important enough to think about.

zzzzz · 25/03/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 25/03/2015 10:54

Good for you!

I don't like the tale telling either. there was no reason for her to text your DH on this subject. no reason at all.

Now that she has...

Text her and say something along the lines of you were sure you had said thank you for the boots her daughter had outgrown at the time, but that as you were rushed and needed to get back for your other child it may have been more abrupt than she may have liked. and sign off with a Thanks for thinking of us.

Hissy · 25/03/2015 10:55

WHO makes THIS big a deal about CAST OFFS?

EponasWildDaughter · 25/03/2015 10:57

I don't think you're being a twat OP :)

My advice to you has come from a position of being outside looking in. In your specific situation i'd probably feel exactly the same as you. However, i think the best way to handle this is to behave as if she barely blips your radar. Be as polite as you would be if this situation had happened with some neighbor of you MILs - send a cheerful but short text. ''Love the boots, sorry i forgot to thank you xxx'' Happy, happy, on with your life.

However you feel about her don't ever let it show. Be sweet and smiley and when she's around always look like the happiest friendliest person in the world. If she has an axe to grind this will get up her nose, and if she doesn't then no one's lost anything. Win win.

redskirt · 25/03/2015 11:00

She sounds petty. I would try to disengage from the boots issue and also try and disengage generally. I think there's some blurring of boundaries that would annoy me.

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 11:02

Thanks everyone!

Ok I'm going to message her now. Must not be passive aggressive. Must not be passive aggressive.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 11:03

Aargh. I really want to be passive aggressive.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 25/03/2015 11:04

This thread is weird. Confused

A friend of your DH's family gave you some boots for your DD and you rushed out the door without saying thank you. IMO that is rude and it would have definitely grated on me. YABU for not saying thanks and to think she is being passive aggresive.

You are also BU for disliking this woman who, presumably, hasn't done anything to you other than be close to your H's family. I think it's nice that your DDs play together. If they split up 15 years ago and no children involved then you need to get over your insecurities and jealousy. She's a friend of the family, nothing more.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 25/03/2015 11:06

Hissy has the best response in this situation.

alleypalley · 25/03/2015 11:07

Actually I'd be quite pa back to her. Say something like you thought the boots had been given to dd as she already had them on when you arrived, that she loves them and you will make sure she says thank you to you next time you see her. Or she can ask for them back from s's herself.

alleypalley · 25/03/2015 11:07

^^ dd not s's

Hissy · 25/03/2015 11:23

LOVE that alleypally

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 11:24

happy It wasn't like I rushed out without saying thank you. DD was putting them on when I got there, I'm pretty sure I said something like 'oh wow, look at those.' Everyone was talking at once, I was just trying to make sure I had everything so my first priority wasn't making sure my gratitude was expressed in a clear manner.

I still don't know if I'm unreasonable or not. You lot are no help! Grin

Poo. I feel like whatever I do now is bound to be wrong.

OP posts:
Theoretician · 25/03/2015 11:28

She's definitely being unreasonable. You don't ask for a gift back just because someone else doesn't display as much gratitude as you want to see.

Original poster
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2015 11:31

And I never said I disliked her! I said she's a perfectly nice girl. Woman. Whatever.

OP posts:
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