AIBU- DP promotion

[UghReally]

DP works as a chef at a pub owned by a very large business chain.
Today he has been offered a transfer to a new restaurant/pub opening 60 miles away promotion to manager, it would mean a 55-75 hour work week (Based on rota but will be within those hours, unless overtime) plus possible overtime on top of that and work to be completed online/at home. More responsibility etc which isn't a problem, the problem is the hours, I'm 12 weeks with our first child and i'm having a dreadful pregnancy as it is, Signed off work due to stress and HG and have been in hospital twice with big bleeds.
We are not very well off, we can make ends meet and afford the odd luxury but neither of us are able to pay for driving lessons etc. Him taking this promotion would bump his pay up from 20k a year to 50-60k per year plus bonus, taking our household income to about 70 odd thousand a year (Once my income is added) Which is absolutely amazing for both of us to say the least but I dont know how I will cope without him around as much while pregnant and then with a young baby :( He currently works around 25-40hours a week (Again based on rota but always within that) Him taking this job would allow us to be able to move to a better type of accomodation than we're in (Currently in a crappy one bed flat that is falling apart) and possibly even give up my career for a few years to be a SAHM if I chose to do so, the place we'd move to wouldn't be anymore expensive to live than where we are (We used to live there) so thats not a worry plus we don't have much family and the family we do talk to we'd live a bit closer to (would be about 35 miles away from them). sounds great right? Well I'm pooping myself, on one hand dp would get ahead in his career and we'd have a much much better standard of living but on the other I feel like i'd be sacrificing our relationship and family for this? DP is still at work right now and doesnt clock off until closing time but he called me on his break to tell me, He's asked me to think about it and give him my stance on it when he gets in and we can have a proper chat about it tonight/tomorrow.
WIBU to say dont take the job?
What would you do?
theres a likelihood that dp will be working 12hr shifts every single day of the week some weeks, How can anyone cope with that and a child?:(

What do you think he wants? It is bad timing but could you really ask him not to take it when it's such a big step up? My DP has recently been promoted and I am seeing less of him which is hard with a toddler but it does mean I can be a SAHM and will put his career in a much better position for where he wants to be.
Having a baby is scary but think how much more secure your family will be. I'm sure you will cope just fine. Good luck and do try and be excited for him if he does take it

You need to have a very honest discussion about this.
Will he resent you if you say no. Will you resent him if he goes ahead.
I personally would go for it, but the sacrifices would be hard on both of you.
Could he do it for a few years and get some money behind you then move to a less demanding role?

If it were me, I'd take it in a heartbeat. If you only earn £10k and can't increase your earning capacity then it makes sense that the other does.

Children are expensive, childcare is expensive.

Plenty of people bring up children alone and work much less have a partner around. One child is a doddle, it's when you get into high number as you need to juggle more.

Oh and dont be giving up your own career, your not married and they dont take long to grow up.

Sorry but I think YABU, you should discuss your worries with him but ultimately it's his career & I don't think telling him not to take the job is the correct approach.

It's a massive jump in salary & a huge improvement on standard of living for the entire family. You can & will cope being alone with a small child-the pregnancy too.

We are very open but im not sure about resentment, I earn a little over 12k a year so not much in the grand scheme of things. I want him to do better but then I dont know how well a family/work balance would work out with this role. there isn't really an option for us to save for a few years and for him to then step back a bit, if he took the job he'd be working as explained for a good 8-10 years at least

What trap said. ALWAYS a bad idea to jack in work when you are not married unless you are independently wealthy.

Wow what a tough decision. I sympathise, my DH was working as a chef when I was pregnant but actually moved to another job because he knew the hours would be rotten. Some people DO cope with a partner who works 12 hours every day but that doesn't mean you have to, so don't do anything you aren't personally comfortable with.

The obvious answer is that with that money you could buy in help, a cleaner, PT childcare, whatever. But that's not the same as having your partner there. And how does he feel about hardly seeing his child at all? Do you want to be a SAHM or would you miss working?

As a compromise, could he look for a better job somewhere else? Someplace that is open fewer hours, so he might not work as many hours? (eg a restaurant that's only open in the evenings or closed on the weekends)

Hi, our situation has some similarities, not exactly as I'm not pg but we do have a ds 2 so I can only give you an idea of how things are for us.

My dp is also a chef & currently working towards promotion in a managerial position so is working his normal job plus additional hours & days. Means he is currently doing 12hr + days & staying away from home 4 nights a week as based 90 miles from home (not perm so no move planned). I'll be honest it's hard as I'm effectively a lone parent in the week & work pt (4 days) & because dp is so far away all responsibility for ds falls to me if he is sick etc (as we speak) as I work locally. It was a joint decision for dp to do this, he wants to enhance his career & I would like more dc & to work less in future so it is a sacrifice to benefit our future. Just to add dp when home is very hands on with ds & very involved so we both benefit (I get some time to me & ds gets his dad to himself)

It's definitely doable but you both have to be happy that it's right for you both. I would say make sure to look at all the pro's & cons & as much of the little details etc as you can before deciding as this helped us to go into it eyes open iyswim.

Talk to him. Are you happy to have a husband who works long hours ( or if not happy exactly, would you find it preferable to both of you working full time to make ends meet?) Discuss what you both want out of marriage - careers/number of children/family time/what size house/savings/standard of living. Work out how much money you need to realise your plans. How else could you get this. Think about your long term career plans - its hard for the primary carer to develop a career with a partner who works ling hours - maybe you both need to compromise.

If you do agree to go ahead, then plan to get support in place for you rather than just hoping that you'll cope - his increased salary will make this possible.

Of course you should discuss it, and you should be able to tell him your concerns. But in all honesty I think this is an amazing opportunity, not just for him, but for you as a family, believe it or not.

if he takes it and it's genuinely a complete nightmare, then that's one thing. He can always take a step down if that's what's necessary - no one is stuck in a job for years if they really don't want to be. But if he doesn't take it, you'll never know. And it doesn't sound like a chance that will come along again.

I can understand you don't want him away working long hours when you have a very small baby. But, to be frank, plenty of people manage with far less support (and less money). It's completely doable.

Well, I'd encourage him to take the job with the proviso that you live no more than 15 mins from work. Just reread your op and it looks like neither of you can drive, so still 15 mins whether walking, cycling or public transport. Long hours aren't too bad if you're not travelling for long periods as well. if you live really close perhaps your dh could pop home for lunch and breaks?

YABU.
It's your family and its future. Are you willing to give it up because you feel that you might not be able to cope? This is a once in a lifetime chance. Trust me, you don't want to choose between to heat up the place or feed the kids.

I'd take it. I wouldn't have to be asked twice, tbh.

Looking after a baby/toddler/child is hard, but it is a hell of a lot harder when you don't have any money. Children are expensive, when they get to school, there is always something that they need. There will trips, donations for this, non-uniform days, donations for that, a pound here, a pound there. It is relentless. Add in the cost of uniforms, shoes, sports clubs, etc and once they get to teenagers it gets worse.

My husband is in the RAF, I've often been left looking after the kids, it's been tough at times (I am disabled) but I haven't had to work when I haven't wanted to, and we've got quite a good standard of living. He's recently been promoted and signed on for longer, it means we can see DS2 through uni, but it also means he will work long hours and spend months away. We have to take the rough with the smooth.

This is a big leap for your DH's career and your living standards. I think if you don't take it you will look back with regret.

See, I don't think it actually does sound like an amazing opportunity. It's a hugely stressful job, not just the hours but the job itself -- there is a high level of burnout. It's not really this amazingly secure job people are making it out to be. Pubs close all the time, there's lots of turnover. They might make him transfer again.

He could indeed end up working 12 hours a day, 6-7 days a week (especially around the holidays -- forget ever having time off around the holidays) and being exhausted when he is home. So the OP would practically be a single parent, maintaining her career will be difficult, etc and so on.

Maybe the money is worth it. For me it wouldn't be. So I don't think the OP should feel bad if she doesn't want that kind of life.

I worked in the pub business a long time so I'm kind of biased though.

DP drives, I don't. I can't drive his car either as i have an auto license and he has a stick shift. I'm not licensed (nor able) to drive his car. I'm really on the fence with this all

At the start of your OP, I was thinking no, but then when you started putting the finance figures in to the mix, and the fact you'd be quite happy to move there, I think that makes a HUGE difference.

Obviously you need to discuss it together, but it seems too good an opportunity to miss, to me.

Sorry, pressed enter too soon.
DP asked his manager for a company rota that is most like the hours he would be expected to work on average, he has text me the info.
End means midnight except for sunday where end means 10pm.
Monday
9:30am-end
tuesday
2pm-end
wednesday
10am-end
thursday
9am-end
friday- 11am-6pm
saturday- 6am-end
sunday- 11am-end.
This is the exact rota for his manager this month, DP would be doing this mans job (just elsewhere)
I'm really not sure about this ladies. Great opportunity yeah but at what cost?

At the risk of sounding really flippant, OP, is there any reason why you couldn't get an auto car when your dp starts earning more?

Here is my advice:
If he takes the job (and I think he should) then you have a clear division of labour ie he is earning 90% of family income and you are doing 90% of family work. If this job appeals to you (and it can be a v enjoyable one) then go to it. It can be lovely being in charge of all the baby and child rearing knowing someone else is doing all the money providing work. Both jobs are seen as equally important by both partners. BUT you MUST get married if you are going to rely on him financially. Do it quick in a registry office if u haven't time/inclination to have a big wedding. Do it ASAP. It legitimises the deal. Have a five year plan where you will review things and see if he wants to step down his hours while u step up yrs outside the home. (Although u may not catch up with his earning power for many years which is WHY u must marry. You will both be making sacrifices but it's good to push hard when you are young and have opportunities. Just make sure he realises and YOU realise that his extra hours at work mean you are picking up his share of the childcare. U will BOTH be working harder. Therefore u must legally protect your share of his improved income. Does that make sense?

electra no there isn't although i'd prefer to just get my manual license and get a manual, I need to get lessons first though.

I don't believe in marriage.
Not happening

It sounds like you need the money, you can't bring a child up in a one bed flat forever. And that means you don't have much choice. I know it's scary, but it's amazing that your DH got the opportunity to earn what his growing family needs right when they need it. And if he wants to do it, it would be madness to turn this down.

Of course it means sacrificing time together, but that's just life. You will manage with the baby, lots of people do, and although it's tough it will be worth it in the end.

So sorry, if those are his normal working hours when do you get to see him? Or is it a week on/ week off scenario? What are his hours per month?

If those hours are typical then I don't blame you for having reservations. Personally I like to see my dh and for us to have family time (he does 12 hour days but weekends free).

Barbarianmum, no weeks off, no set days off. I dont even know what the average days off would be but they wouldnt be regular, definitely wouldn't be weekly. he's given a rota once a month of the days he's in and the hours hes doing and thats that. The rota example I showed you all is what his manager is doing all 4 weeks of the month