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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- DP promotion

129 replies

UghReally · 24/03/2015 17:48

DP works as a chef at a pub owned by a very large business chain.
Today he has been offered a transfer to a new restaurant/pub opening 60 miles away promotion to manager, it would mean a 55-75 hour work week (Based on rota but will be within those hours, unless overtime) plus possible overtime on top of that and work to be completed online/at home. More responsibility etc which isn't a problem, the problem is the hours, I'm 12 weeks with our first child and i'm having a dreadful pregnancy as it is, Signed off work due to stress and HG and have been in hospital twice with big bleeds.
We are not very well off, we can make ends meet and afford the odd luxury but neither of us are able to pay for driving lessons etc. Him taking this promotion would bump his pay up from 20k a year to 50-60k per year plus bonus, taking our household income to about 70 odd thousand a year (Once my income is added) Which is absolutely amazing for both of us to say the least but I dont know how I will cope without him around as much while pregnant and then with a young baby :( He currently works around 25-40hours a week (Again based on rota but always within that) Him taking this job would allow us to be able to move to a better type of accomodation than we're in (Currently in a crappy one bed flat that is falling apart) and possibly even give up my career for a few years to be a SAHM if I chose to do so, the place we'd move to wouldn't be anymore expensive to live than where we are (We used to live there) so thats not a worry plus we don't have much family and the family we do talk to we'd live a bit closer to (would be about 35 miles away from them). sounds great right? Well I'm pooping myself, on one hand dp would get ahead in his career and we'd have a much much better standard of living but on the other I feel like i'd be sacrificing our relationship and family for this? DP is still at work right now and doesnt clock off until closing time but he called me on his break to tell me, He's asked me to think about it and give him my stance on it when he gets in and we can have a proper chat about it tonight/tomorrow.
WIBU to say dont take the job?
What would you do?
theres a likelihood that dp will be working 12hr shifts every single day of the week some weeks, How can anyone cope with that and a child?:(

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 24/03/2015 19:36

Could you move closer to the new job to make it a little easier?

Viviennemary · 24/03/2015 19:38

If he is prepared to work those hours then it's certainly worth considering for that amazing increase in salary. As long as it's definite and not down to the profits the place makes or anything like that. And you should have enough money to get a cleaner and other help with the baby. It's really too good an opportunity to pass by.

Original poster
UghReally · 24/03/2015 19:42

I'm not concerned about how he will cope physically as he used to work these kind of hours when we were at college,he'd go to college 4 days a week 9-4/10-6 and then do an 8-12 hour shift right off the bat, but we were alot less serious then, not living together and no family on the horizon. I'm concerned about how he will cope with not seeing me and our child and vice versa and with how our child will cope. those are the most important factors to me tbh

OP posts:
ElectraCute · 24/03/2015 19:43

What do you think he will want to do? I know you've not had a chance to talk yet but what is your gut feeling?

Original poster
UghReally · 24/03/2015 19:46

sweepthehalls, taking the job would mean moving which im not really bothered about since we rent.
electra, I think he'll be of the same stance as I am by what I know, what he has said so far (nothing much though) and how well i know him, so i think he will be on the fence about it all and very unsure

OP posts:
Mrscog · 24/03/2015 19:46

Well because if he doesn't opt out then they can't rota him for more than 48 if that makes sense?

Original poster
UghReally · 24/03/2015 20:00

Mrscog that would mean he doesnt get the job though... So... I don't know. Is it legal to give someone a job on the condition they sign an opt out?

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 24/03/2015 20:06

My two sisters are chefs. Both worked crazy hours. My older sister worked on the day she gave birth and was back at work the following Sunday. (It was her own restaurant). My younger sister became a pub manager and would often "pop in" on her day off and end up being there for hours. As an outsider, in my view no one made them work like that. It's just very much the expectations of the industry.

Your OH will have the equivalent of two days off per week. (might not work out exactly like that - some shifts work that people do say 9 days on the trot then take 4 days together). It will be up to him to have the self discipline to stick to that. This will be his ship. He'll be the boss. His contract will say 40 hours or roundabout. It will also say he'll be expected to work additional hours from time to time. How much will largely be in his control. (Working time regulations don't apply to managers)

Ultimately, it's his career and his choice. If he's going to remain in hospitality, he will be working long hours anyway. He might as well do it and be rewarded well for it.

If I was you, I'd listen to all the posters telling you to protect yourself. I've been in your situation. I earned twice as much as my husband when I gave up work to be a SAHM. Four years later he was off and I had no income, two kids under 4, and a house in negative equity. At least I was married (but had to rebuild a career from near scratch).

Mrscog · 24/03/2015 20:12

No - according to that link you cannot force anyone (unless they're in a sector like the armed forces/medicine) to opt out. I may have read it wrong, but that's my understanding. The working time directive does apply to managers, unless they have complete autonomy over the running of their business - without knowing the ownership structure I don't know if this is the case or not for your DP.

Anyway, it sounds like a good opportunity - could he take it up, but review in a year?

PrimalLass · 24/03/2015 20:17

No - those hours are awful.

OllyBJolly · 24/03/2015 20:19

The working time directive does apply to managers, unless they have complete autonomy over the running of their business

It is not about the business as a whole, it's about having autonomy over their time. Most managers in the companies I work with have autonomy over their time and are therefore excluded. They don't - thank heavens! - have any autonomy in running the business!

I'd imagine a manager on a salary of £50k in hospitality will be pretty autonomous.

Littlef00t · 24/03/2015 20:22

My goodness, to be honest, Id rather struggle with money than lose my husband for the £££, and run the risk of him not coping. I don't understand why they don't employ two people!

I can't imagine he'll have much energy for you and your LO when he is at home, and babies don't sleep much for the first few months. How will he feel looking back after 5 years to realise he doesn't 'know' his child. How will you feel knowing it's all on you and you'll never get a break unless you pay for it?

How much of that valuable extra ££ will you spend balancing your quality of life with a cleaner, gardener, childcare, professional decorator?

I know I only coped with the first 3 months of dd because DH was around and him being home with an hour to bond before bedtime has been so amazing but I'm sure others will say otherwise.

WineAndChocolateyummy · 24/03/2015 20:22

That's a hard decision for you both. I am a SAHM now as DH got good promotion. He travels a lot and quite often away mon am to fri pm and when not travelling does 11-12 hr days. Yes he is home at weekends, but quite often tired and wants time to himself to unwind. We have two DC's and when they were small it was hard work on my own, but when DC2 started nursery, I started a degree with OPen University which a) keeps me busy and my brain ticking over and b) when he starts Junior school I will have a new career ahead of me and a degree. DH will then have an opportunity to change job and take a paycut if he wants.

Perhaps this could be an chance for you to all invest in your futures...driving licence, car, house, and you and yours. You won't know unless you try and it would be an awful thing to have regrets a bit further down the line.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Quitelikely · 24/03/2015 20:29

If 60 hours work is 60k per year does that mean the other 20 or so hours are paid overtime?

That's a lot of money onto the salary each month !

dreamingbohemian · 24/03/2015 20:38

Ok out of curiosity I plugged the various salaries into the tax calculator thingy, and unless I read it wrong, then assuming he makes 60K a year and you don't work (which is likely the first couple years) that's 41K a year, whereas currently with you both working you're on about 26K a year after taxes (is that right?) If so that's 15K more net, yes that's a lot but it's not like crazy money especially if you have to buy in help, move, maybe get a new car, etc. It would up your lifestyle but would it up it enough to never see your partner?

OllyBJolly · 24/03/2015 20:45

The best way to calculate it is by looking at the hours currently worked. If the OH is a chef in a pub chain I'd bet it's more than a standard working week. So if he's currently earning £20k for 50 hours, and has the option for another £40k for an additional 15, it's a bit of a different story. And he'll have more control whether he works the 15 or not.

The OP says there is also a bonus.

Could the OP be a SAHM with a partner earning £20k? That's not a lot of money when you have a child. This kind of increase brings so many options.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 24/03/2015 20:49

I'm also wondering how much paid overtime that rota included. I agree with everyone that that is a crazy rota but jobs where there are shifts etc usually have paid overtime. How many hours would he be contracted to work for basic salary? Did the salary you quoted in the OP include paid overtime within it or would that be on top? Yes they are crazy hours but if he did do that many hours and half of them were paid overtime he could rake it in. Jobs where it is just a culture and expectation to work long hours wouldn't have set shifts, usually some laughable contracted hours(35) plus all hours required to do the job for no extra pay in my dh's case that is often the other 65 . Anyway, my husband does do frequent 80-100 hr weeks, but he stays in a hotel Mon to Fri, and does get weekends off officially, although he frequently works from him then too. For us it will be worth it if we get the mortgage paid off in ten years

BasinHaircut · 24/03/2015 20:53

If those are serious hours then absolutely not. I don't know why anyone would agree to that. Ever.

No amount of money would make me work myself into the ground, and no amount of money would persuade me to think it's a good idea that DH did either.

Work to live, don't live to work.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/03/2015 20:56

Those hours are bonkers.
Also, isn't 90 hours for £60k a demotion from 25 hours for £20k.?
Less per hour than current.
Mind, I've only skim read.

Original poster
UghReally · 24/03/2015 21:07

Overtime pay is added, the amount quoted in OP is WITHOUT overtime. Reading comments a sec

OP posts:
Cleorapter · 24/03/2015 21:08

Personally, I'd say no.

Having worked in that trade for years, you are married to the job. It's not conductive with family life, which is why I don't do it anymore.

I would be very wary of them promising that salary as well, they're not exactly well known for paying particularly well.

HeyheyheyGoodbye · 24/03/2015 21:25

OP, you also must consider that going off your figures, losing your mostly tax-free 10K or so income for his 40% taxed 20K addition might not end up giving you the financial boost you expect. You need to both sit down with a calculator - try on MoneySavingExpert too - and work out how much you would really have if you did become a SAHM.

Fluffy40 · 24/03/2015 21:34

Sounds awful, he will burn himself out and resign within a few months.

Look elsewhere.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 24/03/2015 21:41

Ok, so what is the basic salary and how many hours does it include? If he does periods of those crazy hours and earns a fortune it could be worth it, but only if there is some downtime sometimes

Seriouslyffs · 24/03/2015 23:03

You'd be a blithering idiot to stop working, relocate and have a child with someone heading for a work induced breakdown or affair without the legal protection of being married to him.