AIBU- DP promotion

[UghReally]

DP works as a chef at a pub owned by a very large business chain.
Today he has been offered a transfer to a new restaurant/pub opening 60 miles away promotion to manager, it would mean a 55-75 hour work week (Based on rota but will be within those hours, unless overtime) plus possible overtime on top of that and work to be completed online/at home. More responsibility etc which isn't a problem, the problem is the hours, I'm 12 weeks with our first child and i'm having a dreadful pregnancy as it is, Signed off work due to stress and HG and have been in hospital twice with big bleeds.
We are not very well off, we can make ends meet and afford the odd luxury but neither of us are able to pay for driving lessons etc. Him taking this promotion would bump his pay up from 20k a year to 50-60k per year plus bonus, taking our household income to about 70 odd thousand a year (Once my income is added) Which is absolutely amazing for both of us to say the least but I dont know how I will cope without him around as much while pregnant and then with a young baby :( He currently works around 25-40hours a week (Again based on rota but always within that) Him taking this job would allow us to be able to move to a better type of accomodation than we're in (Currently in a crappy one bed flat that is falling apart) and possibly even give up my career for a few years to be a SAHM if I chose to do so, the place we'd move to wouldn't be anymore expensive to live than where we are (We used to live there) so thats not a worry plus we don't have much family and the family we do talk to we'd live a bit closer to (would be about 35 miles away from them). sounds great right? Well I'm pooping myself, on one hand dp would get ahead in his career and we'd have a much much better standard of living but on the other I feel like i'd be sacrificing our relationship and family for this? DP is still at work right now and doesnt clock off until closing time but he called me on his break to tell me, He's asked me to think about it and give him my stance on it when he gets in and we can have a proper chat about it tonight/tomorrow.
WIBU to say dont take the job?
What would you do?
theres a likelihood that dp will be working 12hr shifts every single day of the week some weeks, How can anyone cope with that and a child?:(

With a dc to provide for, he should take the promotion in my view.

If he can cope with the job (and as a chef he's used to long hours, I imagine), then your family has a better standard of living and financial security.

However, if he can't cope then he can either go back to being a chef (and te papers say there's a shortage of good chefs atm) or find another form of employment which, I suspect, will be easier if he can tell prospective employers that he's had management experience and is changing because he no longer wants to do shift work.

Either way, you'll have the benefit of more cash coming in (if only for a short while) and his prospects for future employment will be improved.

If those hours are real then it's a shit, badly-run company and he should say no. Why is one manager working back to back 12 hour shifts with no days off for a month? Because the company either can't attract any applicants for an assistant manager role/can't retain staff; or won't try to recruit anyone else as long as they can squeeze every last drop of energy out of the current manager.

wow! really shocked everyone is saying he should take it. That sounds like a nightmare for both of you. What is the point of having all that money if you never see each other and he never sees his child? I would steer well clear of it. It sounds like a horrible way to live. Also, it's not an either/ or proposition. If one company/ job is willing to give him this much money then he must be very good and will get other (saner) opportunities elsewhere. YADNBU

I don't like the sound of a company that would stipulate such long hours. I would question what you are getting into. If you are in US then it may be an acceptable work pattern as they do have a long hours culture. If you are UK it is excessive and I would be very are fully indeed.

I would check their contract of employment if only a draft to see how their policies look as that's normally a good sign of how well they treat their staff

Careful that should say

You will manage and it will provide a better future and more security for your children. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices in life.

Let his take this amazing opportunity he has, to better himself and your lives.

I also wondered if you are in the US.

Could he start looking for a new job that sits somewhere in between the two? You say he currently works as little as 25 hours some weeks, so could he find something full time, but more normal hours? So he can increase his wages that way?

I guess it very much depends on him and what he wants to do, but I think you need to let him know clearly that you don't expect him to take it in case he feels obliged. Good luck!

Of course, it's possible to cope as - effectively - a single parent. But I wouldn't want to. I want my DH to be a full part of family life.

Are those hour legal? No time off. Sounds like a victorian workhouse. Op be careful re giving up work if not married. Can you get something legal draw up as i suspect working those hours is going to put a huge strain on your relationship. I think you need to sit down with dp and think pros and cons together.

In light of your most recent thread here I certainly would advise you to not have plans to become a sahm anytime soon! Seriously op this is the least of your issues with your dp.

Hi OP. Take it from someone who knows: those hours will destroy all of you. I worked 60-70 hour weeks for 18 months after DD was born. I lost weight, kept getting viruses, and wound up on Seroxat. I was starting at 4 am and getting home at 6 pm. DW would be crying with exhaustion and PND.

Thing is, we had no choice. The motrgage and utilities weren't covered until I hit 45 hours, and we wouldn't be able to eat until I hit 60.

You have a choice.

To everyone saying those hours are illegal/immoral... They are pretty normal in hospitality.
The General Manager of a chain bar/pub/restaurant will be doing their share of shifts, including most of the busy weekend ones when the place will be at its busiest, plus getting in for 7am several mornings a week to supervise deliveries, plus staying after the shifts end to cash up, plus spending hours at home doing paperwork - orders for next week, staff rotas, payroll.

If the place is short-staffed through sickness or someone leaving, it will be the manager who is expected to step in a pick up the extra shifts, be those in the kitchen, behind the bar or on the floor.

But it isn't forever. Most of the people I know in this industry have done a few years as a general manager before moving to a head office or regional manager position, where the hours are much more 9-5/Monday-Friday...
OP, perhaps you need to factor in where you will be in 5 years if your DP takes this job vs doesn't. But I agree with everyone else who says you are mad to not consider getting married before putting all your eggs in his career basket.

Those hours are illegal even in hospitality. You legally have to have 24 hours off in 7 days or in some circumstances 48 hours off in 14 days. No one can and should be expected to work those hours for a month and not have a day off.

My DH is out the house 11-12 hours a day commuting into the City and also some evenings with clients etc, we have a 7 month old child. It's not easy but after the first couple of months it is doable, you get into the swing of things. Our household income is around what yours will be if he takes the job, and after a few years of struggling on a lower income I am incredibly grateful that I don't have to worry about money at this stage of my life with the baby, it's taking a huge amount of stress off knowing we have savings for his future, have bought our first home and I can go back to work part time when he is 1 and afford childcare. I think it's worth more than having him work locally for less money and be home by 6 every night. I don't drive yet but I am learning, but we live centrally in a large town do really I've never needed to as all the groups, shops, parks, library etc are 5 mins away and I can online shop for big stuff. So if you are planning to move for his job, choose somewhere where everything is on your doorstep to make it easier, don't strand yourself somewhere with limited shops or transport. Sympathies on the difficult pregnancy, I was very sick during mine, if he is not around to help just try and take it easy and do as little as possible.

But I agree with PP, even as a hospitality manager your DP needs to lay out to his bosses that he is entitled to a day off a week. It's hard, my DBro ran a pub and even on his 'off' day he had to be on the phone really to deal with anything big, so it is hard to get away. But I've worked in a pub where the manager had kids so it's not unheard of.

If he wants to take the job, you should make sure you get married. With him working that much you will struggle to up your own hours and I wouldn't recommend working shit hours or SAHM-ing without the legal protection of marriage to your OH.

We had a looong chat last night, he got in at about half 10/11 and we were up until 1am. He's going to talk to his boss today about the possibility of contracted hours as opposed to being on a rota and having one full day off every week. If he can have that and possible overtime (but also the ability to refuse said overtime within a reasonable time scale) He'll take the job. As it stands he won't take the job. I explained that I'd been told the hours weren't even legal, His only response was "Aye, Any manager in this business is going to sue their boss sarcasm .... It may not be legal but like it or not this is the hours worked in this industry and very few who dont work these hours will get anywhere other than filling the potwasher" We worked out that based on normal pay and overtime pay (£19.30 an hour normal pay,overtime pay £23.82) is approx 1800 for the week. Thats closer to what he gets a month now and while DP would do some months/weeks like the example rota given he won't do it full time, He's happy to work up to 60 hours in the week and forgo his weekend providing he gets at least one full day off (regardless of which day it is) on a very regular basis.
Hopefully today goes well. Won't know anything until about 4pm but will keep you all updated thank you all for the advice xx

I think if he can get one day off a week, especially if he can combine it with an earlier night before and/or a late start the next day, it might be doable -- especially if the idea is that he does this for a few years and then moves up the ladder.

I would also suggest he ask around to see if there is some problem at this site though. It does seem a bit odd that they would promote someone from chef to GM at a site he's never worked at. I would wonder if there's some reason others won't take it.

Good luck, OP. Your DP will need to stand firm re. overtime and his day off, because as manager, it'll be his job to arrange cover if someone is ill, and his job to go in if there isn't anyone else. I think he'll be extremely lucky to get a 60 hour week and to be able to leave on time/not go in early.

I work retail (not the same, I know, but retail is generally "easier" in terms of hours and shifts) and none of the managers work their contracted shifts. They're all in early/finish late. If someone's sick, they're the ones in on their days off. They're the ones that have to provide cover at the last minute. It's not compatible with needing childcare or being a parent who's needed at home every evening.

I would go into this with very open eyes and be aware that what he's promised probably won't be what materialises. For nearly 8k a month he'll be expected to do a lot more than 10hr days, six days a week.

Glad you are both on the same page with regards to the need for time out and hopefully they want him enough to recognise that a man about to have a baby will want some time off to spend with his family!

Just a thought, but, if he's been asked to manage this place, then wouldn't rotas and deciding how many staff to employ (vs staff working ridiculous hours) etc., be part of his responsibility anyway? Presumably there is a deputy manager / senior member of staff that can 'manage' during those hours he's not at work?

backforgood- rotas etc would be his responsibilty for floor staff, bar staff, cooks etc but he wouldn't be doing his own. still haven't heard anything off dp x

hi again guys, sorry I didn't update I lost the thread! Basically DP got the job with the conditions he has at least one full day off every week and his hours don't exceed 60/90 hours (He'll work up to 90 hours but also wants the option to refuse anything beyond 60hrs, so he can choose when he's worked like a donkey) He'll do some weeks like the rota shown but not permanent full time. With his contract as it is he'll be earning about 60k a year with the opportunity to earn alot more in bonuses and overtime, He starts in a few weeks and we're also house hunting in the area now, thank you all xxx