AIBU- DP promotion

[UghReally]

DP works as a chef at a pub owned by a very large business chain.
Today he has been offered a transfer to a new restaurant/pub opening 60 miles away promotion to manager, it would mean a 55-75 hour work week (Based on rota but will be within those hours, unless overtime) plus possible overtime on top of that and work to be completed online/at home. More responsibility etc which isn't a problem, the problem is the hours, I'm 12 weeks with our first child and i'm having a dreadful pregnancy as it is, Signed off work due to stress and HG and have been in hospital twice with big bleeds.
We are not very well off, we can make ends meet and afford the odd luxury but neither of us are able to pay for driving lessons etc. Him taking this promotion would bump his pay up from 20k a year to 50-60k per year plus bonus, taking our household income to about 70 odd thousand a year (Once my income is added) Which is absolutely amazing for both of us to say the least but I dont know how I will cope without him around as much while pregnant and then with a young baby :( He currently works around 25-40hours a week (Again based on rota but always within that) Him taking this job would allow us to be able to move to a better type of accomodation than we're in (Currently in a crappy one bed flat that is falling apart) and possibly even give up my career for a few years to be a SAHM if I chose to do so, the place we'd move to wouldn't be anymore expensive to live than where we are (We used to live there) so thats not a worry plus we don't have much family and the family we do talk to we'd live a bit closer to (would be about 35 miles away from them). sounds great right? Well I'm pooping myself, on one hand dp would get ahead in his career and we'd have a much much better standard of living but on the other I feel like i'd be sacrificing our relationship and family for this? DP is still at work right now and doesnt clock off until closing time but he called me on his break to tell me, He's asked me to think about it and give him my stance on it when he gets in and we can have a proper chat about it tonight/tomorrow.
WIBU to say dont take the job?
What would you do?
theres a likelihood that dp will be working 12hr shifts every single day of the week some weeks, How can anyone cope with that and a child?:(

I would take it in a heartbeat. However i have raised two babies alone so i know the score and how hard it can be but i do think if there are no additional needs then you will adjust just fine. And you know what, if you do find you just cant cope then he can always give notice and go back to a job with fewer hours and responsibility. I certainly wouldnt give up your job though. Not just from an indepence angle but also to retain your sanity! SAH with a baby when your partner is working a lot can be isolating, far better to have a job to go to a few days a week. People to talk to, social events to attend, keep your mind busy.

It's much easier to take the promotion then look for something else if it doesn't go well, than it would be to find another opportunity to increase your household income by tens of thousands of pounds. If it were me I would agree that he should take the promotion but review it after six months or so, no look for something else if it's not working. Once he's on that salary it becomes much easier to apply for other jobs on that salary, whereas if he turns it down he's kind of stuck.

I also don't see why it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, if he's that good now, he will still be good in a year or two when perhaps it will be a little more feasible to work long hours. If his current employer won't reconsider him down the line (doubtful, good managers are hard to come by) he can look elsewhere.

As couple they are making over the national average right now, obviously more is good but it's not like they're on the streets.

Or maybe they would regret it. All I can say is we went for less money, more time, and don't regret that at all.

I think you'd be mad to turn it down. Even if he just does it for 5 years, think how much easier life is with savings.

If you have a strong relationship then I think you can get through not spending that much time with each other for a short time. You have to think long term.

if he will be earning that much more than you (assuming he takes the job, which sounds a good opportunity, apart from the additional work at home on top of long hours) and you plan to be a SAHM being married would be MUCH better for your financial security, among other things.

I can see why you have reservations, but it is a great opportunity. With the extra cash you could get a new car, you could get childcare or a cleaner to help you. I know it's not the same as having him around more, but couldn't you try it and see, even if he look sfor another job after 6 months he would have much better prospects comign from that , wouldn't he?
Also, he must have days off, mustn't he, what about European Working Time Directive?

Well that definitely wouldn't work for me. And if you don't want to marry then honestly you need to keep working, which will be very difficult if you are effectively a single parent.

DP is a trained chef and had a similar opportunity come up a few years ago (although for him it would have meant six day weeks and working away) and we turned it down. The money wasn't worth the stress. I know some people do it, but I don't WANT a relationship where I just see my partner at weekends and where I have to spend evenings on my own all the time. If you'd be happy barely seeing your DP (because when he is home, he'll be shattered and in need of a hell of a lot of sleep), dealing with a baby pretty much 24/7 including all night-wakings, go for it, but he'll miss out on his DC's childhood and I don't think any money is worth that.

That does sound like illegal ridiculous working hours, without a day off.
But at least you now know.
Would it make sense for you (as a couple) to agree to do it, but knowing that you are only going to do it for a specified length of time - say 2 years or something? It's often easier to do something hard if you know there's an end point. You can use the fantastic money he'll be earning to save for a deposit on a house or whatever your goal is.
Trouble being, in that line of work, the hours are ludicrous for most chefs, so it might be worth thinking about what the longer term goal is for your family.

Really dont understand why everyone is getting up in arms about me considering becoming a SAHM. Not what this is about.
Anyhow. I understand the short term vs long term goals, But I don't know how I would feel about the average week being dp gets up, goes to work, gets in at early hours of the morning and goes to bed, goes to work and so on while i look after our child. when would he see me? or his child? I do not object to him working longer hours but hours like the example i've provided? How do people cope with that?

x-post

Is 12 the closing time or the actual clockout time? He'll be there for a good bit after closing.

I have to say, if you don't believe in marriage, it would be really foolish to go into this setup, unless you can get some other legal arrangements in place. Your work and life will always take second place to his work, don't make that sacrifice if you'll end up screwed should things not work out.

we can make ends meet and afford the odd luxury but neither of us are able to pay for driving lessons etc

But if his income is going to more than double, then you could presumably buy a new car so that you would be able to drive, hire a cleaner/nanny/other help so that you wouldn't feel so stressed about doing everything yourself while he's at work. So, many of the practicalities could be solved by such a huge jump in income.

In terms of your relationship, if you were willing and able to give up your career (notwithstanding the good points made by others about the dangers of doing so) you could potentially arrange your life so you would see more of each other by catching up on sleep during the day so you could spend some time together at the end of his shift etc.

Is there potential for him to reduce his hours once the restaurant is more established? When would the job actually start? I think it is potentially doable, but only if you are both prepared to do what it takes to make it work, so don't pull any punches when you express your concerns.

I don't believe in marriage.
Not happening

I think its been proven to exist

Marriage doesnt have to be anything other than a legal contract to protect both parties (but particularly the lower earner/childcarer) in the event of a split.

Put it this way, would you be happy to enable him to build his career (earning £60k) by providing the childcare for his child for 8 years whilst you put your own career on hold only for him to decide after that time that he wanted to separate and he walks away leaving you jobless and entitled to nothing of what you helped earn?

On that income you could afford to get some help in , maybe a mothers help for few hours a week , if you were struggling .Children are expensive and I think you would regret not trying to make it work

It is very relevant to your situation OP because should you move, quit work and then in the future the relationship broke down you'd be in financial and employment difficulty, whereas he (having been able to focus on his job while you looked after the DC) would be fine.

People are concerned about you becoming a SAHP because if you split up, you'll have no legal protection at all. If you're married, you're entitled to money and a share of the family home. If you're not, all that goes out of the window and you could end up with nothing. If you won't marry, you need to get legal protection in place or make sure you have money coming in the entire time.

I agree the hours are ridiculous and not something I would ever consider, but some are happy to effectively be single parents while their partner works all hours to earn the money. If you're okay with this, then by all means go for it, but you NEED to cover yourself financially in the event of a split.

Not up in arms OP but concerned because the relationships board is full of women who gave up earning power to bring up a family and then realise they are totally stuffed when the relationship breaks up. And you are telling us that you are contemplating a life which will put your relationship under phenomenal strain (baby plus largely absent dp).

Well yeah thats something else to think about fair enough but not what this aibu is about.
I want a family. I don't want to spend years never seeing my dp. the few hours he'd spend at home he'd probably be crashed out in bed and then off to work again. what kind of family is that? what kind of relationship is that? what kind of life is that? i cannot see myself living that, at all

Working 7 days a week all the time? How the fuck do they get away with that?!?!

Meow75- 48hr opt out I suppose O.o

A couple of weeks ago I was amongst a minority saying the OP wasn't selfish for not wanting her DP to take a promotion as it meant additional hours. This is because I am someone who thinks money isn't everything and would rather my DP was home so I could spend time with him than chasing more money so I do get where you are coming from.

BUT in your case, I think this is different because although the amount of pay rise is similar, in your case it is huge in terms of what it means % wise to your household income. The other poster also didn't describe living in a crappy 1 bed flat therefore whilst I agree with your sentiment that it's better to have a work life balance than lots of cash, I think in your case, given what it could bring you in terms of upgrading your accomodation, bringing better quality of life etc, I think in your case it is seriously worth considering. As has been pointed out you are unlikely to get the opportunity to triple your family income again and it may be that the short term pain is worth the long term gain.

That said OP, I think your DH needs to speak to his manager more about the rota i.e. if he is working till midnight, then he doesn't have a 9am start the day after. Don't know where you are but I am fairly certain that there is a legal requirement of 11 hours between shifts in the UK - may be wrong though but might be worth looking into as those hours sound knackering and not conducive with a newborn baby

Well exactly, when will you see him? Keeping in mind when he's home, he's going to be exhausted and probably sleeping.

Realistically you won't see him from Tuesday lunchtime until Friday evening. Then Friday evening he'll probably crash early given 6 am start the next day. Then you won't see him all weekend -- well actually, really you won't see him until Tuesday morning. For one morning and then it will start all over again.

Fuck that. I wouldn't do it. Yes the industry has bad hours but not everywhere has THAT bad hours.

You guys should have faith in yourselves. This is not the only decent opportunity you will ever have.

If he is already a pub chef, you are already looking at some long hours on your own with the baby/children. All other things being equal, that's going to be a lot easier with a phenomenally higher joint income, as you will be able to afford help.

My advice is:
Take the job.
Sell your stick shift and buy an auto. Or two.
Move closer.
As a pp said, if it sucks, he will be able to move laterally later. I have never seen such a big jump in salary in this type of job (licensee for twenty years here.)

You don't have to get married but you might want to think about some sort of contract at least. If your DP is a reasonable man, he will see the sense of this.

Aaand... Congratulations, to you both!