AIBU- DP promotion

[UghReally]

DP works as a chef at a pub owned by a very large business chain.
Today he has been offered a transfer to a new restaurant/pub opening 60 miles away promotion to manager, it would mean a 55-75 hour work week (Based on rota but will be within those hours, unless overtime) plus possible overtime on top of that and work to be completed online/at home. More responsibility etc which isn't a problem, the problem is the hours, I'm 12 weeks with our first child and i'm having a dreadful pregnancy as it is, Signed off work due to stress and HG and have been in hospital twice with big bleeds.
We are not very well off, we can make ends meet and afford the odd luxury but neither of us are able to pay for driving lessons etc. Him taking this promotion would bump his pay up from 20k a year to 50-60k per year plus bonus, taking our household income to about 70 odd thousand a year (Once my income is added) Which is absolutely amazing for both of us to say the least but I dont know how I will cope without him around as much while pregnant and then with a young baby :( He currently works around 25-40hours a week (Again based on rota but always within that) Him taking this job would allow us to be able to move to a better type of accomodation than we're in (Currently in a crappy one bed flat that is falling apart) and possibly even give up my career for a few years to be a SAHM if I chose to do so, the place we'd move to wouldn't be anymore expensive to live than where we are (We used to live there) so thats not a worry plus we don't have much family and the family we do talk to we'd live a bit closer to (would be about 35 miles away from them). sounds great right? Well I'm pooping myself, on one hand dp would get ahead in his career and we'd have a much much better standard of living but on the other I feel like i'd be sacrificing our relationship and family for this? DP is still at work right now and doesnt clock off until closing time but he called me on his break to tell me, He's asked me to think about it and give him my stance on it when he gets in and we can have a proper chat about it tonight/tomorrow.
WIBU to say dont take the job?
What would you do?
theres a likelihood that dp will be working 12hr shifts every single day of the week some weeks, How can anyone cope with that and a child?:(

sorry not clear from my post - i mean an OP on a different thread

Manager isn't anything to do with his hours, he just gave DP his rota so DP could have something to go on in terms of what he could/is likely to be working should he take the promotion but I get what you're saying. Upon taking the role DP would likely have to sign several opt outs (I.e the 48hr work week opt out) so the time between each shifts could also be included in the opt out? I dont know, im not too great with employment law.

Going against the grain here - personally I would say no. No amount of money would be worth my DH being in work for those insane hours. Are they even legal?

Fastwindow-Dp currently works up to 45 hours a week, dont think hes ever worked over that so not crazy long hours. ughhhhhhhhhhhh... lots to think about

heyhey- yeah the hours are legal I believe upon signing various opt outs as stated, the hours can get pretty insane as you can see. I dont know anymore. Feel like im being forced to choose between my DP and 30k

The higher up he gets, the longer the hours will be, sorry. That's just the game. No days off is a bit suss though.

Might as well do it with lots of money

I know that FW, I'm not sure on days off as stated but I know some months he will get no days off

Yes I also find it hard to believe it is a choice between this opportunity and a life of never-ending poverty. Either he's been offered this job because he's good - in which case he can negotiate with them, or find something better than he has now, or he's not that great and is being offered the job cause no-one else will touch it.

Even the pay looks considerably less amazing when you calculate it as an hourly rate. And I bet any employer who would expect this will be less than understanding if he needs time off for any reason (sick partner/sick child/exhaustion).

Would the hours be forever? Or does he have a plan to then move from this job to another which would be more family friendly? Only asking as I think personally I would be more tempted if these hours were relatively temporary (say a few years)

It's a tough one, OP. Obviously the money could do great things for your family (although do consider that it will be taxed at 40%) and it is a career which goes hand in hand with very long hours. Is he one of Those Chefs who is in love with the job? I think he'd have to be to commit to those hours and all that time away from you and the DC.

Good heavens, there's an 18 hour day in there! And that's not 55-75 hours, that's nearly 90 hours! (have I done the maths wrong? I got 89.5: mon 14.5 + tue 10 + wed 14 + thu 15 + fri 7 + sat 18 + sun 11?) If that's really the hours, I'd say no as he'll burn out in no time. If that's every week with no days off, there really isn't any time he'll see you or do anything but work. There's only 168 hours in a week; that's more than half the time at work, and he'll need to sleep and shower as well...

When I saw the monetary benefits, I thought it looked like a great deal. But that looks just inhumane. I don't know this field though, does he need to work hours like that to advance? Are there any jobs with really 55-75 hour weeks? That extra 15-35 hours an week not at work would make a big difference in livability.

That rota is more than 75 hrs a week - more like 90. Does he get days off (he must, you'll both go nuts otherwise).

For perspective, my DH was out of the house 13 hours a day (sometimes longer), 5 days a week when we had small DC (65+ hours). It's doable, but it's tiring - though if the money is good it lets you find your find your feet financially and build up some savings/deposit etc.

Can he try negotiating? Now is the time to do that as they clearly want him for the job. Would he say yes, I'll take it but I insist on one day off a week and one more shorter day every other week, or something like that? If they say no, then you're in no worse a position than you are now.

I also wondered about his current hours. Everyone who does chef work seems to work insane hours; his current ones are better than I expected. How many days off does he currently get a week?

I would ask to see a rota for a full month. If he really doesn't get any days off then I wouldn't take it. It would be insane to work for a month with no days off.

And I say that as someone who's DH works very long hours, he's done it all our married life, so I did feel like a single parent sometimes. However he does have days off and we have a very lovely lifestyle.

Those hours are insane!

They basically want him to work the job of two people!

If he gets no guaranteed days off in the month then I'm sorry but I would not support this at all.

For a few months yes, years no.

He's in the wrong industry if you want him to be home in the evenings and at weekends

bakeoffcake that IS the rota for the month, his manager is doing those days for all 4 weeks out of the month and will change again next week at the end of the month. So no days off this month.
This is an overtime month and by the sounds of it overtime will be quite regular, although i cant say how regular. Was told by dp that one month he could have a weeks worth of days off (Great) and then for 3 months have 1 or 2 or no days off at all, Not so great

Can you work out his approximate pay per hour from his estimated pay and estimated number of hours?

This might help with the decision.

If he does take the job, make sure he has some critical illness and life insurance, won't you? And it's fine not wanting to get married but you would be naive not to protect yourself and your DC, should you sacrifice your career for his.

OP - they can't force him to opt out of the 48 hour working time directive, it has to be voluntary. Info here - www.gov.uk/maximum-weekly-working-hours/weekly-maximum-working-hours-and-opting-out

Being perfectly honest my OH is a manager for a large pub chain. He tends to be out of the house 12 hours a day 5/6 days a week which in itself i could tolerate. However, eeither leaves at 3am or gets in at 3am and often has a week off 3pm-3am off 3am-3pm on a cycle so his days off are spent sleeping and i never see him. Its hard and often i resent him hut i know it needs to be done for the benefit of our kids. Its the anti social hours rather than the long shifts that are killer :( you need to have a frank discussion with him about what you both want. In hindisght i would have had less money and family life.

So if they've offered him the job, but then withdraw it because he won't opt out, I think that's unlawful.

In that case I'd say no, it's far too many hours. He'll end up absolutley stressed out, tired and going insane from working too much.

And you he will never see you or his child.

I think if he does a couple of months of 90 hour weeks there is an excellent chance he will collapse with exhaustion. I did a few months of 70 hour weeks when I was young and I nearly collapsed. Every moment I wasn't working I slept. It was awful but at least I was single.

I know the 48hr opt out is voluntary, Mrscog im not sure what you're on about

I was going to say take it but i thought there id at least one day off.
Surely he must have a day off?

If so, then yes the salary is much higher. With 20K you will constantly think about money, you will clean thehouse yourselves, you will have to meal plan, to watch every pound.
With 70K you can have a cleaner, a mothers help when your baby arrives, a ready meal etc . Money buys you time.

What would concern me is that he will not see much of his baby.
Also he ll get very tired.
But you seem more concern about how you will cope.