to be annoyed with this party host?

[DDDDDORA]

DD has a mild nut allergy, eating certain nuts makes her very physically sick.
Dd got invited to a party When I replied to the invite (via text) I made sure I put that DD had nut allergy, got a reply acknowledging the allergy and saying that they wouldn't be having foods with nuts in.
So today I drop DD off (DD is of an age where she doesn't want me to stay at parties), say a quick hello to the host and remind them of the allergy, to which they say don't worry there are no nuts in any of the food.
I arrive to pick DD up about 10 mins before the end of the party, to find that cakes and biscuits being put on the table. I take a look to see what's there is and find that bakewell tarts and walnut cake are on offer.
I quickly stop DD from eating any and ask the host if she realised that she had put cakes out containing nuts, to which she replied what she can't even eat cakes with nuts in?
I was flabbergasted and said no nothing with nuts and she has an allergy to which she said well that's massively inconvenient for me, my kids love these cakes.
DD and I left at that point as I was so shocked.
My poor DD has been vomiting for most of the evening, i'm raging right now.
Sorry just needed to vent at the stupidity of this host.

People are very very stupid, and also some just don't really care. You get used to it

Your daughter shouldn't be aloud to party's alone if she can't determine herself what has nuts in its up to your to keep her safe, it's extremely inconvenient for you to ask someone to not serve nuts at there party.

DDDDDORA that sounds a very sensible and calm resolution, on both your side and the other parent's side, and I'm glad your DD is now feeling better.

OP, do you really expect people to host a party and take into account all the guests' allergies for nuts, wheat, dairy products, diabetes, egg....? The guests would finish up with nothing to eat and just water to drink.

By now, your daughter ought to know that cake often has nuts in it because it says so on packets. I expect you make your own but, while doing that, do you tell your daughter at the time that some cakes and other foods unexpectedly have nuts in them?

How does she cope with school dinners? Ahh. Packed lunch.

OP has already admitted she was in the wrong, no need to keep bashing her.

And don't people expect hosts not to serve nuts if they have explicitly said "we won't be serving anything with nuts"? Is that unreasonable somehow, to think people will do what they have said they are doing, or warn you otherwise?

I can't believe how ignorant the party host mother was. No, I would not expect everybody to know all details about allergies, and cater to all allergies/intolerances/dislikes. But if someone tells me their child cannot have nuts and I am not sure how to check and/or if I can actually manage to keep an eye on what the child eats, I would tell them that I don't know enough about nut allergies, they should send own food and/or stay. I would not tell them not to worry and there's no nuts in anything, and then serve nut cake.

Fantastic op, that is great result

It is very unfair to call the host uncaring and stupid. It was not ultimately her responsibility, as someone else pointed out, if we cater to ever allergy and intolerance then might as well just serve water. I've always had lacotose intolerance, if I eat cheese I suffer badly. Did I still eat pizza at parties? Yes. Was I ill? Yes. Was my mother cross? Not with the host, it was my own fault. The hostess is not to blame here.

It sounds as though host mother really did not have a clue how serious it was. I guess hindsight is a good thing. No trusting a very young child with their safety is a no no. They may be fine at home, but put them into a party situation where their friends are having cakes, they quite well have one too. Young children can be impulsive and cannot think about the consequences.

So, you specifically told the host of which particular nuts it was, and she managed to produce 3 cakes, each including a nut your dd was allergic to???? Something a bit fishy about this.

It is not unfair at all to call her that. It's not about catering to every known allergy, but if you know you have a young child with an allergy to nuts and then put out lots of food with nuts in without warning anyone, you are an idiot. An uncaring idiot. There is no other word for you.

I've always had lacotose intolerance. Did I still eat pizza at parties? Yes. The hostess is not to blame here - what if the hostess had told you and your mum that it's all fine, there are no milk products served? If you ate it, believing it's soy cheese and were sick, you would still blame yourself?

Arethereanyleftatall i can assure you none of the cakes contained fish!
5 cakes in total, 3 containing nuts, 2 of which contained nuts that DD has known allergies too. I was trying to keep details to a minimum so not to out myself but I think it's too late for that now.

I wouldn't cater for allergies if I was the host. I'd expect the parent to supervise/send own food/educate own child, whatever.

Having hosted 5 year old parties, there's no way I could have kept a close eye on a single child, there's too many other things to be doing.

Seriously would any of you do what the party host did? Reassure a parent of a child with nut allergy that nothing will have nuts in then serve several cakes with nuts in to the child??!
That is stupid or uncaring.

OP's accepted responsibility for her part in this, which is good - small children aren't always going to make good decisions for themselves, and lots of people are very ignorant about allergies. Yes, she needs to stay with her DD, as she has learnt. But still, the host has apparently assumed that because OP didn't mention peanuts, allergy simply meant dislike. That's fucking idiotic. Why shouldn't people be responsible for having a clue about allergies when the nature of the allergy is spelled out for them? What on earth makes it OK to assure a parent you won't feed their child X while secretly planning to all along? You either accept the responsibility and make your best effort, or you ask for the parent to remain in charge of their child. You don't inwardly dismiss a parent's concerns while lying through your teeth.

Ddddddora you sound a very sensible mother. Lesson learnt by host and yourself. Glad your dd feeling better today x

I assume basic intelligence when discussing my child's allergy with a host.
Op you've highlighted the fact that we cannot assume such a thing. Sorry you've learnt the hard way and I hope your dd feels better.

Dd1s friend has a (pea)nut allergy, when i invited her to dds party, I made sure nothing I bought contained any type of nut.

As I was icing her cake i realised the (shop bought) icing had a "made in the same atmosphere as nuts are in" so could be contaminated (I assumed by almonds/marzipan) I messaged her mother to make sure it was ok for her dd to eat (which it was) I didn't want to take any chances. Its really not that difficult. What if the ops daughter had had a more serious reaction?

She isnt old enough to be left alone at parties, no matter how much she wants to,
if she can't recognise something as common as a bakewell tart and know that she can't eat it.
If she cannot speak up to ask unfamiliar adults about unfamiliar foods on offer.
If she does not have the ability to read ingredient lists on packaged goods. . if she cannot choose to restrict herslef to the obvious choices, or not eat at all.

Until she can do these things, she needs to pack a snackbag or safe foods, and/or you need to go with her.

I don't think she is old enough to be left yet because a)sometimes people are thick about even really obvious nuts b)sometimes people don't believe in allergies c)sometimes people don't think to check for hidden allergens. Until your daughter is old enough to read ingredients and check for herself, you have to police her food.

YANBU to be annoyed with the host though. If you are too thick to understand that allergic means allergic and not 'doesn't like the taste of' how do you even manage to walk down the street on your own? She was one of those arrogant 'I don't believe in allergies' crap people. Probably gave your daughter the cake on purpose to 'prove' you were making it up. People really do that.

Sounds like you handled it very well in the end with the discussion with the party child's mother OP.

Lesson learned etc. So easy for a mistake to be made by other people. My DSis one day carefully sourced all the ingredients for a Bolognese sauce for our coeliac niece, making sure it was all gluten free (even checking the coeliac society's guidelines), and then put it all onto normal pasta rather than the corn one ..... She just didn't think it through properly!

As an aside, did you know that according to QI (fascinating show!) Brazil nut allergens are sexually transmittable? Ie (many, many years down the road!) if your DD has sex with someone who has eaten brazil nuts, she will have an allergic reaction.

Fair play to you, OP, what a massive learning curve!

I think the problem is that we often assume most people have a working level of common sense, but actually a woeful number of people simply do not. And so as a parent of a young child, you have to continually cater for this.

At least no massive harm done, and hopefully walnut cake lady has clued herself up a bit, too.

Glad you sorted it out Dddora and that your daughter is feeling better.

Well done, OP - you sound lovely. Still think the party host was spectacularly dim.