to be annoyed with this party host?

[DDDDDORA]

DD has a mild nut allergy, eating certain nuts makes her very physically sick.
Dd got invited to a party When I replied to the invite (via text) I made sure I put that DD had nut allergy, got a reply acknowledging the allergy and saying that they wouldn't be having foods with nuts in.
So today I drop DD off (DD is of an age where she doesn't want me to stay at parties), say a quick hello to the host and remind them of the allergy, to which they say don't worry there are no nuts in any of the food.
I arrive to pick DD up about 10 mins before the end of the party, to find that cakes and biscuits being put on the table. I take a look to see what's there is and find that bakewell tarts and walnut cake are on offer.
I quickly stop DD from eating any and ask the host if she realised that she had put cakes out containing nuts, to which she replied what she can't even eat cakes with nuts in?
I was flabbergasted and said no nothing with nuts and she has an allergy to which she said well that's massively inconvenient for me, my kids love these cakes.
DD and I left at that point as I was so shocked.
My poor DD has been vomiting for most of the evening, i'm raging right now.
Sorry just needed to vent at the stupidity of this host.

Agree with most of others that its your responsibility, not host as host doesnt know ins and outs of allergy, and you should have stayed. Surprised at the one person who said host shouldnt hold a birthday party for her own child if she cant cater for allergies. Next time op send dd with food or stay.

Your dd is still only little so I would trust her to know what is safe to eat, as you dident know the party hosts, really you should have packed a party lunch for her and stayed. That being, the party host should have been honest with you and told you that she cannot guarantee everything will be nut free, so would you mind packing a lunch for dd and she woukd provide some special nut free treats for dd.

Meant I would not trust her to know what safe to eat yet

Regardless of the host's attitude, you should have stayed - but you know that now. For future parties I would also recommend taking her own food too.

My DD (who is anaphylactic to milk and carries an epipen everywhere) was at a classmates 8th birthday party yesterday - a child and therefore a parent I don't know at all. Loads of children at the swimming pool and the mum was bringing in pizzas and veggies etc. I brought in a pizza for dd (with soya cheese on top) and her veggies so no one had to worry about cross contamination. Whilst I wasn't in the party room itself I was literally just outside the door in the cafe and the host knew exactly where I was.

If your child has an allergy I'm afraid you have a few more years of being vigilant. It's not fair on everyone concerned otherwise. Different if you know the host well and they understand your child's needs well

As others have said, walnut cake is a very odd choice of cake to have at a five year old's birthday party and pretty obvious by the title that it contains nuts. A lot of people wouldn't link bakewell with nuts though but if you're telling a parent there absolutely won't be nuts you have to double check ingredients to make sure!

She probably assumed it was just a peanut allergy rather than nuts in general, a lot of people do. There's also a huge amount of people who think you're only allergic if you eat the solid nuts from the packet and suddenly not if they're mixed into something else .

Her reaction was quite rude. Perhaps in future you should go with DD to check over the available food and tell her what she is and isn't allowed? Or send her with her own pack up.

ARoom I agree with you; if I am accepting care of a child I take all measures to care for them responsibly, eg. Ask for their booster seat, hold their hand across the road etc

If I can't provide a safe environment I'd ask the parent to stay or ask further advice.

It is ludicrous to acknowledge an allergy, agree to keep the child safe then just not bother at all! What if the next child's nut allergy is a serious anaphylaxis?

OP
YANBU

Well this has taken a turn. If a parent told me their child had a nut allergy and didn't tell me the allergy was to a specific nut then I would assume it was all nuts. I wouldn't assume it was only peanuts or only tree nuts!

If I were the host I would ask what the reaction was likely to be in case there was an accident or a mistake made. I'd be most worried about anaphylaxis, but I wouldn't want the child with an allergy to suffer at all.

Generally people are far more clued up about food allergies these days and there is far more labelling of food too.

I think the woman was both massively ignorant and also careless and arrogant , and am shocked that anyone who was told that a child had a nut allergy would not take great care if they had taken responsibility for not serving nuts.

But unfortunately this has demonstrated that until you really know and trust someone, both their knowledge and attitude, your dd probably can't be left. Which is sad.

Dc had two friends with epi-pen level allergies to a wide range of foods, all it took was 10 mins extra thought in the planning. Taking care of a guests health needs and safety is hardly the same as pandering to fads.

Furyfowler: "It's a mum throwing a birthday party for her kid. She doesn't have to be clever or clued up on every fucking allergy under the sun!"

In that case, perhaps she shouldn't have told the OP that she wasn't serving any food with nuts in? Perhaps instead she could have said, "I'm sorry, OP, I'm not very clued up about nut allergies. In fact, I'm so lacking in clues that I don't even know whether a cake with nuts in will trigger a nut allergy. So perhaps you had better stay and keep an eye on your daughter."

OP I say the following as a person with a severe food allergy; you put your child at risk. A five year old isn't yet ready to take responsibility for their allergy or identifying foods with nuts in them. Many people don't fully understand galleries, to be fair why should they. The hostess wasn't rude she simply doesn't understand food allergies.

I agree, the mum's attitude was very rude, she should have not said to op that she could cater for her dd, if she could not, and should have been honest. Now op knows, her dd is still very little, and she will have to be in situations which she is not familiar with the host or the venue. Lesson learned now.

I totally agree Altinkum, your 07.51 post, you don't leave your child with anyone, without speaking to them in detail about your chikds allergy and what they can and can't have and what their reaction will be if she ate the wrong food. That even food that has been next to a food containing nuts can be contaminated. Not everybody knows this. I personally would never place that level of responsibility onto somebody unless they know my child extremly well and I could trust them. Op knows that now and won't be making the same mistake in a hurry. Her dd is only 5, yes she may be aware of her allergy at home with op, but obviously not in outside situations, it is not fair to place that level of responsibility with a small child.

Host was stupid. Hope dd feels better soon.

Thing is, people do have very different experiences of how allergies manifest. Some will be allergic to substances in one state then ok with them in another - eg I know several kids who can't eat milk products or young cheese, but manage fine with aged cheddar and the like. And of course, many vegetarians have encountered the "...but it's only got a little bit of ham in it!" phenomenon when questioning whether something is really vegetarian. So it's unreasonable to expect other people to have your precise understanding of what an allergy means for your child.

And 5 is too little for a child to monitor their own intake.

YABU. You should have stayed.

YANBU nut allergies are sadly very common. If the host had accidently put something innocuous out which had traces of nut and then profusely apologised or had asked you to stay/bring own food as she wasn't confident then ywbu, but she didn't. How infuriating for you! Hope DD gets better soon.

Haven't read entire thread, but I think yabu OP. You can't expect a party to be catered entirely to your daughter's needs. If she's old enough to be there without your supervision, she's old enough to know 'this food makes me ill'. Or you should have given her a packed lunch. So next time, either supervise your child until they learn or give them a packed lunch. Don't expect others to be so forthcoming about it.

I think YABU. The party host has enough to worry about without changing the menu she's planned for her child.

You need to stay with your dd to supervise until she's old enough, rather than ordering the host families on what foods to serve.

I DO NOT expect a party to be tailored to my DDs needs unless of course it is her own.
The assumption here is that I simply said to the host "oh by the way DD has a nut allergy" I didn't. I explained exactly what nuts she is allergic to which are (probably outing myself now) Walnuts, Pecan, Brazil, Cashew and Almonds. She is particularly sensitive to Brazil and Almonds.
I have also known the host for a couple of years but not in a friendship way, her DD has come to my DD parties and we have have chatted at these and occasionally at the school gate.
That all said I have realised that I was completely unreasonable to have left DD, she is far to young to know every food item that contains nuts and I was completely unreasonable to have put that kind of responsibility onto the host, I was completely in the wrong there and most definitely won't be leaving her again.
I have spoken to the host this morning and apologised for my actions and for putting her in that position, she apologised for not taking the nut allergy seriously, she thought as I hadn't peanuts in the list it was a case of not liking rather than an actual allergy. We have gone through what food was served and the chocolate cake was indeed a brownie that had been made using chocolate spread containing hazelnut so looks like she could be allergic to them now so back to the dr for us.
DD is fine this morning so I am relieved.

I can't imagine anyone leaving a kid at a party with a nut allergy who is unable to know what foods she can and can not eat. Or in fact any parent of a kid with a nut allergy that wouldn't send a party pack.

This is total nonsense.

We can all get things wrong, I think the Bakewell tart is something you might forget about, obviously Walnut cake is a bit obvious. The thing is her reply was rude. I remember having a birthday party for my son, a little girl came and loved our kitten, she sat and stroked it for ages. Her mother arrived as I was talking to the girl about her rash and sneezing and she was just telling me how allergic she was to cats. I was mortified, I didn't know about the allergy but I apologised to her mother. Her reply was don't worry,she knows she should be touching the kitten but she loves them so she has to realise that she will suffer for a while if she touches cats. Obviously her allergy was inconvenient not dangerous but her mother was polite and so was I.

She shouldn't have been touching the cat not should have.

Ds2 has a nut allergy too that sounds exactly like the ops child. Ds2 vomits if he eats anything with nuts in. I've always checked with hosts if he's on a play date or at a party. Thank goodness the hosts have been intelligent and caring enough to check and understand my concerns.