to be annoyed with this party host?

[DDDDDORA]

DD has a mild nut allergy, eating certain nuts makes her very physically sick.
Dd got invited to a party When I replied to the invite (via text) I made sure I put that DD had nut allergy, got a reply acknowledging the allergy and saying that they wouldn't be having foods with nuts in.
So today I drop DD off (DD is of an age where she doesn't want me to stay at parties), say a quick hello to the host and remind them of the allergy, to which they say don't worry there are no nuts in any of the food.
I arrive to pick DD up about 10 mins before the end of the party, to find that cakes and biscuits being put on the table. I take a look to see what's there is and find that bakewell tarts and walnut cake are on offer.
I quickly stop DD from eating any and ask the host if she realised that she had put cakes out containing nuts, to which she replied what she can't even eat cakes with nuts in?
I was flabbergasted and said no nothing with nuts and she has an allergy to which she said well that's massively inconvenient for me, my kids love these cakes.
DD and I left at that point as I was so shocked.
My poor DD has been vomiting for most of the evening, i'm raging right now.
Sorry just needed to vent at the stupidity of this host.

I'm afraid I had to think twice about Bakewell tart and I made one last week.

If I were hosting a party (goes faint at the memory) I'd have asked you to stay or at least run through the menu for you to flag any problem areas.

If you're not used to thinking about allergies, it it easy to miss things, even if someone tells you a couple of times. That's probably not helpful but I think it's true.

One of mine had a very distressing phobia for a few years and we flagged up the triggers to party parents all the time. They didn't always remember or think about it and in hindsight I think that's fair; it's got to be up to you and increasingly your child to ensure the environment is safe.

Hope she's feeling better now?

I don't have direct experience with allergies really, my family and kids don't have any. I consider myself clued in though, and have catered for the odd minor allergy.
I had some friends round for dinner last week, and the husband had a sesame allergy. No problem. Except I made breaded chicken. And I used pre-spiced breadcrumbs. That turned out to have sesame in. I didn't even check the ingredients as it just didn't occour to me. Luckily all was ok, he double checked all the ingredients that I had used, and I gave him a different protein.
Point is, unless you have direct experience of allergies, I think it's very very easy to make a mistake.

No Giles, a standard buffet contains sandwiches, they are the most basic party savoury food. And blindingly obvious to any allergy sufferer that the bread is a wheat risk.

Whereas ground up nuts in an iced cake is not so obvious and also it's very easy to get a cake without nuts. Hence the unnecessary risk.

I wasn't being superior (not sure how you came to that conclusion), I was stating facts.

No furyfowler but you are going from the sublime to the ridiculous now.

And my facts/views are replicated în schools all over the place which are nut free. Not wheat free. You are wrong.

Party host was rude to say it was inconvenient, when she'd previously said it was ok. But YWBU not to clarify exactly what dd could and couldn't eat, and to not stay if you weren't completely happy (we still don't know how old your dd is).

I'm vegan and brought dd up as vegan until she was old enough to choose for herself. I stayed with her at parties, and also brought her own party food in a tupperware box. dd knew that she could help herself to fruit and veg (grapes, cucumber etc), had to check with me about savoury snacks (things like plain crisps and hula hoops were ok, but flavoured ones probably weren't) and had her own sweet treats eg home-made cakes.

You can't expect someone who doesn't have a child of their own who needs to have a special diet for health, religious, ethical or any other reasons, to be fully aware of the implications.

Can your child not take their own food? Save you worrying in future.

My DS2 does, because for his food allergy (not nut) and intolerances I don't expect the party host to realise that stuff like crisps/sausage rolls/bread may have ingredients he cannot have. I know it's a bit awkward and I do look like fussy nightmare parent but I have found most of the party hosts have been lovely about it.

Hope she is better very soon and its out of her system asap.

Yes of course it is very easy to overlook such a thing. If we had to "cater" to every allergy then there would be no food on the table at all. Like I said, my son has a severe epi-pen allergy to ingesting nuts. I would never ever make it anyone elses fault. He's also not seen as "precious" though.

"I quickly stop DD from eating any" - that's what the original msg said by OP. So I'm at a loss as to why her DD has been vomiting.

This actually makes me quite cross where a parent thinks that the whole party should cater to her childs allergy. No they should not.

The case of Cockbill vs Riley concluded that the duty of care amounted to: –

“Reasonably to keep an eye on what was going on; to keep abreast of what people were doing; if matters were getting out of hand, to intervene in a reasonable manner, though not so as to spoil the party”.

This case involved school leavers and a bit of alcohol. But the principle seems reasonably clear. And if the host said they understood and there would be no nuts, and then served them.....why would they not be in the wrong. They would have accepted before the party day that they had a dut of care.

Why are the only posters here who state that both the OP and the host were at fault in this scenario (hypothetical or otherwise) in such a minority?

are you on crack there ARoom?

DD is 5, this is the 1st party that she has asked me not to stay at. She has a fairly good idea of what foods can't eat.
The cakes were already on the table but can't have been on there long as the plates were almost full, I stopped her from eating anything as soon as I realised but I can't be sure if she did eat any containing nuts, she says she had a chocolate cake but I don't know for definite.
I foolishly trusted her when she said she said the food wouldn't contain nuts, as I would have catered for an allergy I assumed she would also as she said she would.
Its a mild allergy as in it makes her physically sick, no reactions that require a epipen (which I class as severe)
I have learnt a valuable lesson today and will be staying to all parties in future.
And just to be clear I do not expect others to go without nuts just because DD has an allergy to them.
And yes this did all happen and I'm still shocked by her reaction now!

and you know now not to trust a 5 year old then OP.

Your allergy/your childs allergy, your responsibility.

I'm guessing the OPs DD ate something else with nuts in? It's not difficult to work out.

I guess you could've checked the food yourself before it was served but given you had pre warned the mum and reminded her on the day I'm going with YANBU. If she had appeared to have no clue I'm guessing get you would have stayed but given how she was "no problem" type, you thought it would be perfectly safe to leave your DD.

The mums attitude stinks as well. What children want walnut cake at a party FFS.

What makes it odd for me is the choice of cake for a five year olds party. Walnut cake and bake well tart? What about a Victoria sponge with a frozen topper and a chocolate cake?
I'll throw this out there - could she have - bizarrely - do e this deliberately?? Seems so wierd.

If she wasnt confident in catering for and looking after a child with an allegy then she should have said so. I'm sure the OP would have stayed if asked, or supplied safe foods.

You have to teach your children with allergies to trust the adults that are looking after them. My 2 year old will ask an adult "is this DD safe? Does it have X in? And if they say it is safe then she will eat it. I have to trust that other adults looking after her will do this and keep her safe. I always always offer to bring our own food or host as I know it is scary to cater for someone who could be made seriously ill if you make a mistake.

What else can I do? I can't keep her locked up forever. But every time we go to Pizza express and I carefully explain that she can't have X to be met with a dish of X being brought to our table and put in front of her or I expain to someone that insisted they could cater for us that actually yes, she can't have the meal they cooked because X is still X even if it's cooked I want to steal her away and lock her in a tower until she is thirty. :(

I also don't call people ignorant. It's just something they don't have, therefore they don't cater for it.

What sort of person serves walnut cake at a 5 year old's party?!

Glad your daughter is OK OP.

We all owe a duty of care to anybody who becomes our responsibility, in all the ways possible, whether cooking a meal, hosting them in our homes, giving them a lift in our cars. I am at a loss to understand why the host put cakes with nuts out after she said she would not. Additionally, I would not have allowed my 5 year old to a party without adequate supervision, just in case this sort of thing happened. Particularly if I did not know the host (and you did not OP). The reality is that many people do not take reasonable care when it is required. That's when the worst things can happen. It doesn't take much to prevent them.

I shudder at some reckless posters here tonight.

Quite a few people's attitudes on here stink as well as the mums.

I can see me being daft enough to serve bake well but I would die a death when I realised. The other mum didn't know this wasn't a life threatening allergy. She was aware of it. You had fulfilled your responsibility by ensuring she was aware and she had told you she would deal with it. It's going to be more often as your dd gets older that she wants to be left.

You didn't fail her here op. I can understand serving something by accident but not being an arsehole about it.

I feel a bit sorry for party mum.

I can only assume that in the midst of planning a party [*delete as applicable - dealing with rsvps, worrying about the entertainment, wondering which siblings might/might turn up, hoping that the invitations aren't considered sexist, trying to make sure that everyone has a good time, not knowing whether the party bags were too flashy/not flashy enough and not knowing whether parents will stay or not stay] the DD's nut allergy was on a long list of things to worry about.

Are we serving peanuts? No. Good. Tick off list.

Moves onto worrying about something else. Naive and pretty stupid but I do think it's the responsibility of the parent to supervise if the child in question isn't old enough to understand exactly what they can and can't eat.

What on earth is the thing with making another adult responsible for your childs food intolerance? Like I said before, my son has a huge allergy to nuts. Never ever have I blamed a host for him ingesting anything and I have certainly never called them Ignorant about his complaint. Some of you are unbelievable.