to be annoyed with this party host?

[DDDDDORA]

DD has a mild nut allergy, eating certain nuts makes her very physically sick.
Dd got invited to a party When I replied to the invite (via text) I made sure I put that DD had nut allergy, got a reply acknowledging the allergy and saying that they wouldn't be having foods with nuts in.
So today I drop DD off (DD is of an age where she doesn't want me to stay at parties), say a quick hello to the host and remind them of the allergy, to which they say don't worry there are no nuts in any of the food.
I arrive to pick DD up about 10 mins before the end of the party, to find that cakes and biscuits being put on the table. I take a look to see what's there is and find that bakewell tarts and walnut cake are on offer.
I quickly stop DD from eating any and ask the host if she realised that she had put cakes out containing nuts, to which she replied what she can't even eat cakes with nuts in?
I was flabbergasted and said no nothing with nuts and she has an allergy to which she said well that's massively inconvenient for me, my kids love these cakes.
DD and I left at that point as I was so shocked.
My poor DD has been vomiting for most of the evening, i'm raging right now.
Sorry just needed to vent at the stupidity of this host.

I have also never gone up to the host and told them not to have nuts either.

It's not that strange an idea surely? brownies have nuts in sometimes.

and maybe it was for the adults anyway.

I have to say I'm usually pretty clued up with what's in things as dd was milk k tolerant, couldn't have tomatoes fir a while and I was vegan at one stage too so reading labels was something I did often. However honestly, I could well have mot remember about bakewell tarts.

I don't knpw what you mean ARo? How have my posts been reckless?

Blimey, its "their" childs day.

As ARoom said legally if you host a party you have a duty of care. This is an established responsibility in the same way as a school owes a duty of care to your child. If you have a party you are offering to care for that child. You might not realize it but you have accepted a responsibility for the wellbeing of the child. I've not taken my child to many parties where the host said 'btw I'm not going to look after the children, they will have to look after themselves'.

"Unpleasant but not life threatening," was the term that the Dr used for dd's allergy.

Perhaps the mother knows someone with an egg allergy that can eat eggs cooked in cakes.

However, the host should either cater for the allergy as agreed or ask you to provide food, or stay and supervise.

Had a similar experience when the host put out mixed platters of sandwiches, containing dd's allergen, contaminating, potentially, all the sandwiches. despite knowing of the allergy.

I think it is unreasonable to expect another parent to understand your child's allergy. She may well have thought that she had ensured there were no nuts, but not fully understanding that included checking the ingredients of every product.
Walnut cake is fairly obvious, but bakewell tart could easily be overlooked.

If your DD gets so sick, then you should have sent her with a packed lunch or asked the host if you could check the food that she was planning on serving so you could identify anything that she couldn't have.

Honestly, the OP's DD is 5. So it would be a party for 5-6 year olds.

If I was told in an RSVP that there was a child with a nut allergy attending, I would make ALL the food nut-free, just so that I could attend to other matters on the day itself without spending the fraught putting-out-the-food-finding-the-birthday-cake-topping-up-the-squash-refilling-the-crisps bit worrying about what one child had on her plate.

OP mentioned it in the RSVP and the host AGREED food would be nut-free. OP trusted her.

Now she knows not to trust that everyone will do what she expects. More anxiety, but lesson learned.

If it were a party for teens, or older primary school, where the kids themselves can be a bit more clued-up about food then perhaps it would be OK if not everything was nut-free. But I do find it odd the posters claiming it's awful to expect the food to be nut-free. That's just being a good host, in my opinion.

Why say it isn't a problem if you have no real idea of what an allergy is? All she had to say was I'm not comfortable with that do you mind giving me a list of foods she can't eat or please stay to make sure you supervise what she eats.
I am so annoyed with her because she said that the food wouldn't contain and didn't contain nuts at the start of party and then to tell me that it was inconvenient. It's her attitude that has really wound up.
Why wouldn't I challenge the host about the nuts when she had said there wouldn't be any??
I am so annoyed with myself for not staying, what an idiot! Won't be doing that again!
DD is fast asleep now, so hopefully thats it for the vomiting.

OP Even checking isn't enough, you really do need to stay.

I can understand that you are annoyed with host saying it was inconvenient after having said that she was fine with it. She sounds like she was being rude.

But I still think that you should have explained in more detail what kinds of foods needed to be avoided (might be obvious to you, but clearly wasn't to the host). Some people do think in terms of not opening a packet of nuts or avoiding peanut butter, and aren't aware of other foods that could contain nuts.
Then you should have either provided some food in case it was difficult for the host, asked to check the food that was being provided or stayed at the party.
When my own dd was 5 I always stayed at parties so that I could keep an eye on what she was eating.

You shouldn't have left her unless she is responsible enough to know what she can eat. First rule of having an allergy- don't trust other people to police your food.
I was allergic to chocolate and egg as a child. I think by five I have learnt to ask if something had egg and then to ask again if it was glazed with egg if it was pastry.
Also I wouldn't expect a party host to eliminate all allergy foods. Things may already have been ordered/baked before you told her and children are allergic to so many things nowadays if she did that there'd probably only be a apple to eat.

I think that it's unreasonable for a parent to expect a host to make sure an entire birthday party doesn't contain an allergen when the host has no experience of that allergy. If that were the case, there could be a situation where the host has to try and create a nut/wheat/egg/sesame/dairy free party menu, or remember which child has which allergy to keep them away from food. Whilst it would be nice if the parent make an effort, it's just too much of a responsibility to hand to a stranger. The onus must always fall to the parent of the child with an allergy to monitor what their child is eating.

I totally understand allergies (have one of my own) but I wouldn't have had a clue that Bakewell Tarts had nuts in. Not a sausage!!

The Walnut Cake is a bit of a no-brainer, though.

People do often think that ingredients in stuff doesn't count. It's odd.

I think it's best to keep your child away from parties or anywhere where there is food that you haven't cooked yourself or had a chance to check over yourself if you are that concerned. Or send her with her own food. I really don't think it's reasonable or practical to expect everyone else to alter what they might choose to serve or eat because of your child. Honestly, between all the various allergies, vegetarians, vegans, people who want everything halal and people who don't like their children to eat any sugar or additives at all, catering for a children's party must be an absolute bloody nightmare these days.

Having said that I do think walnut cake is a very odd choice for a kids' party and I can't imagine many children even like it. I wonder if the host did it on purpose as a sort of passive-aggressive reaction to what she sees as you being a bit precious about what you admit is a 'mild' allergy?

There are so many children who have nut allergies these days that I wouldn't serve anything with very obvious nuts at a children's party whether my kids loved them or not. But neither would I rigorously check every single hidden ingredient of everything I served. As far as I'm concerned if that's a massive concern for you then you should decline the invitation, not make it my problem.

Altinkum, do you have any idea how aggressive, superior and downright rude you have come across in your lectures to the op? Your attitude is disgusting, over the top and quite frankly out of order! It is easy to give advice on a subject that you are knowledgeable on without talking to the op like she is a naughty child.

I can't believe that people are defending the party mum. She said twice that there was no food with nuts in it. She was completely unapologetic when it turned out there was lots of food with nuts in it.

A nut allergy at a children's party is very easy to cater for. It is nothing like a gluten allergy, which is very complex to deal with as gluten is in many different foods and is not at all clearly labelled. Gluten is not a a food, but something which makes up part of many foods. It is confusing.

You have to be an idiot not to know that walnut cake has walnuts in it. You have to be an arse not to apologise for offering walnut cake to a 5 year old with nut allergy.

It is completely unreasonable to drop a five year old at a party with multiple other children and expect the hosting parent to be fully aware of how to deal with that child's alergies. Most people assume nut alergy to mean peanuts, so even walnut cake wouldn't enter on to their radar, and if they're not the cook from scratch type they may not even realise that bakewell tart contained almonds.

But even then there is a difference between illimenating things which contain actual nuts, and scrutinising packcaging to see if products "may contain" nuts.... The former would be common sense, the latter definitely wouldn't.

When ds was four we had a child to his birthday party who had a severe nut alergy. His mum stayed but I made a concerted effort to not have things with actual nuts e.g. peanutbutter, and for everything else I gave her the packaging so she could check before I put food out on same plates etc. But she stayed anyway and was on the ball.

The responsibility for keeping your child safe while she is not able to is yours. it isn't the same as a school, but even schools are not obliged to be nut free, in fact the anaphylaxis campaign advises against it. But at some point your dd will need to manage her own alergies, and even if primary is nut free, secondary almost certainly won't be, so the onus will be on you/dd to manage her alergies...

I thought the OP made it clear that her daughter was allergic to nuts and spoke to the parent about it. She didn't just drop her DD off and run. I'm not sure why someone would assume nut allergy would only mean peanut allergy and why would she say that there were no nuts in any of the food - twice! - and then serve walnut cake and make a comment like "she can't eat food with nuts cooked in either?" (or whatever it was). The party mum gave the impression that she understood even though she clearly didn't and then acted rudely.