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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that DH always acts like a twat when he's tired?

110 replies

pearlesque · 22/03/2015 20:00

Once a month or so, if DH is tired from work, he'll get in an absolutely foul mood for between 1 and 3 days. When he is in these moods he is argumentative, often quite unkind to me but does it under the guise of a joke, obtuse about things, and just difficult to live with. He also withdraws from the DCs and I and does nothing in the house.

He last did it a month ago when we went to stay with friends for a night. Because we had had to get up early on the day we travelled, and then travelled a 3 hour journey, he was "tired" and was a total twat all weekend towards me, doing things like pulling faces when I spoke, and snapping at me. I tried to pull him up on his behaviour several times but it made him worse.

Now he is in one of those moods again today as he worked yesterday, and has been a total arse. We've just been out for tea with the kids and whilst we were there he kept 'joking' but being really nasty saying things like "lets gang up on mum" and "the only thing mum is good at is spending money". Then in the car home he looked at me and pulled a face, and I said calmly for him to stop being so horrible and that I know he's tired but I don't like these moods. He then went off on one at me telling me to shut up and he doesn't want to hear my voice anymore tonight. We got home and he opened his car door and stormed inside, leaving me to sort the kids out. And he has just been doing horrible things like turning off the tumble drier when I'd put it on to dry the school clothes for tomorrow, and pulling faces when I speak.

I am not brilliant at ignoring bad moods or coping with difficult atmospheres as I grew up in a house with a very moody, volatile father. I wish I could just brush it off but I can't. I feel like I need calm. It just makes me so cross. DH was even like it for about 3 days after we brought our youngest child home from hospital because he was "tired". That, combined with exhaustion, post birth hormones and illness from having a post partum haemorrage, plunged me into weeks of depression and sadness.

How can I deal with all this? Has anyone got any tips on how to ignore bad moods and to not let it bother me?

OP posts:

TheSingingMonkey · 22/03/2015 20:04

Deal with it? Yes he sounds like an abusive twat and you'd be better off without him.

Griphook · 22/03/2015 20:05

I honestly don't think you need to tips on how to ignore this behaviour, I think he needs to learn how his behaviour has a negative effect on others. Tbh I think he know this.... I wonder how often you tread on egg shells to avoid an out burst from him? Personally I think he sound emotionally abusive. Sorry if that's hard to hear

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 20:05

That sounds like more than a bad mood to me and I wouldn't be ignoring it.

JeanSeberg · 22/03/2015 20:06

Get rid. He's doing you and your kids no favours.

PrettyFeet · 22/03/2015 20:06

another one saying he's an entitled abusive wanker here.

sorry op.

humblebumble · 22/03/2015 20:09

Can you talk with him when he isn't in one of these moods and explain how it feels to you and how his behaviour impacts you and everyone else?

FarFromAnyRoad · 22/03/2015 20:10

You've already been through this once with your father - do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? It sounds like hell to me and you (and your children) do NOT deserve this. What gives him license to act like an abusive arse just because he's 'tired'. To me that 'tired' sounds like a handy excuse to trot out when he's being vile so that there's a reason and it's not just him being mean for fun. I think I'd want him to snap the fuck out of it once and for all or fuck off and find some other poor sap to abuse. Sorry you're going through this.

HumphreyCobbler · 22/03/2015 20:10

He is an obnoxious arse. Sorry you are having to put up with this. How dare he treat you like this?

LaurieFairyCake · 22/03/2015 20:11

Who cares that he's in a bad mood? He doesn't get to treat you badly just because of his mood.

When he's in a good mood (and you don't have to, I'd have left by now) say to him that when he's next in a bad mood you want an agreed code of conduct ie. He can say he's in a mood and can go elsewhere to be on his own. Tell him that works both ways and you're going to do the same as the children always need one parent who's going to actually parent. Tell him both him and you get to do this once a month but no more, the rest of the time you have to engage and be respectful even if you're in a 'mood'.

If he doesn't agree, leave.

If you don't want to do it, leave.

Let's face it he's an abusive wank stain and it's not going to get any better.

Phephenson · 22/03/2015 20:11

He needs help if he thinks this is acceptable behaviour. This is emotional abuse, I'm sorry, I know you wanted a better answer than that.

Turning off the tumble dryer - that's just bat shit crazy, kids would have no dry clothes for school and it sounds like it would have been another opportunity for him to try to make you into the bad parent. That kind of manipulation is horrendous. Do you want to spend the rest of your life treading on egg shells, scared of what the next thing will be to trigger a three day mood.

NoraLouca · 22/03/2015 20:12

Ex h was terrible when he was tired... I don't think you need to learn to ignore, he needs to stop! Is he ever like this with other people?

TwoOddSocks · 22/03/2015 20:13

Have to agree that he sounds abusive. I hope you're not repeating the cycle you grew up with. Have you thought about counselling? Even if it's just for you rather than couple's counselling. He sounds awful you shouldn't have to ignore that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/03/2015 20:13

He's a twat and emotionally abusing you and your kids.

He's hiding it by calling it ' tired '.

Twat.

MrsTedCrilly · 22/03/2015 20:15

YANBU! I wouldn't up with this, life is too short for this shit. Your kids are seeing this abuse towards their mum. Give him one chance to change and threaten to leave, and see if he changes.. If not then nothing will motivate him.. Sorry you're going through this

ThroughThickandThin · 22/03/2015 20:16

He's being very hard to live with, my Dh just wouldn't act like that. Pull him up on his behaviour, it's not acceptable.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 20:17

what ?

he isn't "tired" he is an arsehole

why on earth are you trying to find excuses for being treated like shit ?

Branleuse · 22/03/2015 20:17

i think for a once a month bad mood that is caused by tiredness then you probably need ways to not take it to heart. He isnt your father and although it probably takes you right back, it isnt the same thing. It isnt nice to be on the brunt of this but some people are terrible if theyre tired, and in any relationship you have to put up with moods and shittiness sometimes.

Does he recognise that its tiredness talking? Is there any way of arranging things to make overtiredness less likely, or allowing for catching up on sleep

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 22/03/2015 20:18

Your husband is a twat.

DartmoorDoughnut · 22/03/2015 20:19

LTB he's a twat

JeanSeberg · 22/03/2015 20:19

Why should she facilitate him managing his 'tiredness' Branleuse?

ilikebaking · 22/03/2015 20:21

Crikey.
I was going to reply, after reading the title, that when I am tired I am a nightmare. I reset back to a 3 year old and cry and take myself off for an early night. As soon as the kids are in bed at 7.30.
But this.... Christ. This isn't a bad mood due to being tired. This is abuse. And your children are learning this is a normal marriage.
My son sees me get tired, I sometimes snap,or cry, but I then go to bed at the same time as him and wake up with him and explain why I was sad or snappy. My husband also gets an apology. I thought that was bad. It isn't. It's normal.
Yours is horrifying. I am so sorry for you.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 20:22

So she should just suck it up Branleuse?

mooth · 22/03/2015 20:23

What a wanker.

TendonQueen · 22/03/2015 20:24

So getting up early and then going on a 3-hour journey made him so 'tired' he behaved like a total dick for an entire weekend? That's a standard day for many people. I agree that this is a poor excuse for shitty abusive behaviour.

You're being misled in thinking that because this doesn't happen every single day (and I bet it happens more often than you think) it has some root in being 'tired'. I'd tell him you're too tired to live like this anymore and he can go and live on his own and be a dick whenever he wants.

Timetoask · 22/03/2015 20:26

Get him to have a nap? I know it sounds silly but it works for me (I'm not good when tired).

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