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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that DH always acts like a twat when he's tired?

110 replies

pearlesque · 22/03/2015 20:00

Once a month or so, if DH is tired from work, he'll get in an absolutely foul mood for between 1 and 3 days. When he is in these moods he is argumentative, often quite unkind to me but does it under the guise of a joke, obtuse about things, and just difficult to live with. He also withdraws from the DCs and I and does nothing in the house.

He last did it a month ago when we went to stay with friends for a night. Because we had had to get up early on the day we travelled, and then travelled a 3 hour journey, he was "tired" and was a total twat all weekend towards me, doing things like pulling faces when I spoke, and snapping at me. I tried to pull him up on his behaviour several times but it made him worse.

Now he is in one of those moods again today as he worked yesterday, and has been a total arse. We've just been out for tea with the kids and whilst we were there he kept 'joking' but being really nasty saying things like "lets gang up on mum" and "the only thing mum is good at is spending money". Then in the car home he looked at me and pulled a face, and I said calmly for him to stop being so horrible and that I know he's tired but I don't like these moods. He then went off on one at me telling me to shut up and he doesn't want to hear my voice anymore tonight. We got home and he opened his car door and stormed inside, leaving me to sort the kids out. And he has just been doing horrible things like turning off the tumble drier when I'd put it on to dry the school clothes for tomorrow, and pulling faces when I speak.

I am not brilliant at ignoring bad moods or coping with difficult atmospheres as I grew up in a house with a very moody, volatile father. I wish I could just brush it off but I can't. I feel like I need calm. It just makes me so cross. DH was even like it for about 3 days after we brought our youngest child home from hospital because he was "tired". That, combined with exhaustion, post birth hormones and illness from having a post partum haemorrage, plunged me into weeks of depression and sadness.

How can I deal with all this? Has anyone got any tips on how to ignore bad moods and to not let it bother me?

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 22/03/2015 20:27

Why's it her responsibility to get him to nap?

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2015 20:28

How often is he like this op?
Ltb if it's so often you're constantly treading on eggshells.
But, if it's only 5% of the time or so, and he's a nice guy the rest of the time, talk to him about it when you're both calm. We all get in bad moods occasionally don't we?

Justusemyname · 22/03/2015 20:28

I'm sorry, OP. I'm sure you must be in shock at these replies. Except Bran whatshername. Don't listen to them.

Nothing will change until there is a reason he has too. Give him a really big reason!

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 20:29

I can't believe that this is essentially a nice guy at all.

echt · 22/03/2015 20:31

How does he behave towards other people when in these states?

Branleuse even if he was tired it neither excuses nor explains his deliberate face-pulling, turning off the tumble drier. Tiredness can make people snappy or uncommunicative, but not vindictive.

Your husband is abusive, OP.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 22/03/2015 20:31

I was going to say I'm a bitch when I'm tired but reading your post I think he's just being a twat.

ThroughThickandThin · 22/03/2015 20:32

Bran whatshername don't be so rude Justusemyname - oh the irony.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 22/03/2015 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 22/03/2015 20:34

I get snappy when I'm tired not argumentative. I've not got enough energy for that shit.

seventiesgirl · 22/03/2015 20:35

I was also going to post that I'm a twat when I'm tired but then I read your post.

In my case, I act like a twat, my DP tells me I'm being one, I apologise, say I'm tired and then do something's about it ie have some time out.

He is not tired, he's not happy in the relationship and takes these opportunities to blame you for it by making your life miserable. Tell him if he does it again he can just fuck right off.

TendonQueen · 22/03/2015 20:37

Does he ever apologise after one of these episodes, or acknowledge that it's bad behaviour? Or does he just pretend it never happened? Is the 'tired' explanation yours, or is that how he explains it?

CocktailQueen · 22/03/2015 20:38

He switches off the tumble drier when you'd just switched it on? Speaks to you like that? What a twat. Sounds like a horrible way to live, and he's colluding with the dc against you!

Can you talk to him when he's next being nice and tell him how horrible and unacceptable his behaviour is? this goes way beyond tiredness. Bet he doesn't behave like that with anyone else.

MistressDeeCee · 22/03/2015 20:40

Being tired is his catch-all excuse for his need to take his aggressive moods out on you, thats all. I bet he doesn't behave like this towards anyone else when he's tired..easy to get away with it with the DW & DCs though isn't it..his captive "audience". Dread to think what it'll be like when your DCs are older and can understand more what he's on about..although they're probably quite nervous about it already, children are very sensitive. Its a shame he's like this but I don't feel he is suddenly going to stop his behaviour so you're going to have to live with it for a long time, if you do stay with him. He is being insulting, derogatory and abusive and I think you know it...hope you manage to get it sorted out somehow.

SuperMumTum · 22/03/2015 20:41

My DP uses tiredness as an excuse for being uncommunicative and not pulling his weight with kids snd housework and that does my head in (its very frequent) on its own. If he started being deliberately horrible then we would be having serious problems.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 20:42

get him to have a nap ?

he isn't an overtired 2 yo for christ's sake

stop infantilising the man....he should take responsibility for his own twatty behaviour

HolgerDanske · 22/03/2015 20:47

For someone who grew up with a nasty home environment due to your father, think a bit about what your children are experiencing every time he behaves this way.

It's not something you can manage. It's something he should be doing something about. How horrible.

minibmw2010 · 22/03/2015 20:50

Having grown up with a father like this, why would you want or even allow your children to have the same upbringing?

Discopanda · 22/03/2015 20:52

I don't want to make excuses for him because he sounds like an arse but this might be worth a read www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=53725

HazleNutt · 22/03/2015 20:53

does he apologise, and try to do something to deal with his issues? If I'm tired, I want to be left alone - I certainly would not use my energy for turning off driers and stuff.

MrsUrquhart · 22/03/2015 20:54

My fiance can get like this when he is hungry (yes, really). Well, he used to, until after one session of him trying to cook while hungry, getting stressed, rushing it and fucking it up, then flinging things in the sink and chucking toast across the kitchen I told him he could just knock it the fuck off right now, he's not a child and I am not willing to put up with such behaviour from anyone over the age of 3. I pretty much laid it down that it was a dealbreaker, and if I can work a 17 hour day without stropping like a toddler then he can cope with eating a couple of hours later than normal, and if he pulled a stunt like that again he could find himself someone else to marry.

Have you lost your temper with him about it yet and told him it's a dealbreaker? It might not be the answer, but it really shocked mine and he has never done it since.

It is not an excuse. I presume he doesn't give his work colleagues this kind of crap because he's 'tired', so it is in fact a choice to treat you badly.

StopTheFog · 22/03/2015 20:54

This is not tiredness. This is abuse. Turning off the tumble drier? Ganging up on mum? Being unkind after you had your youngest child.
Even on the small amount you have said he's clearly behaving badly.
What's normal and OK is snapping a bit when you're tired, or needing a nap, or not wanting to do some family thing. It's annoying but not abusive.
It's not good for your kids my love.

MrsUrquhart · 22/03/2015 20:54

Mine also tried to get away with 'I've said I'm sorry' but I made it clear that saying sorry is not a get-out-of-jail-free card, as this is not primary school any more.

CalicoBlue · 22/03/2015 20:58

I get Dh being a bit of a drama queen when he is tried/stressed from work. Usually flops about the place feeling sorry for himself. I sent him to bed this afternoon.

I would suggest talking to him when he is in a good mood, tell him how horrid he is when he is tired. I am sure he is just being selfish and does not realise how mean he is being to you.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 20:59

of course he realises

sheesh

LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/03/2015 21:01

He is abusing you and tiredness is not an excuse. Tell him that if he doesn't change his ways then he needs to start looking for somewhere to live.

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