To be annoyed that DH always acts like a twat when he's tired?

[pearlesque]

Once a month or so, if DH is tired from work, he'll get in an absolutely foul mood for between 1 and 3 days. When he is in these moods he is argumentative, often quite unkind to me but does it under the guise of a joke, obtuse about things, and just difficult to live with. He also withdraws from the DCs and I and does nothing in the house.

He last did it a month ago when we went to stay with friends for a night. Because we had had to get up early on the day we travelled, and then travelled a 3 hour journey, he was "tired" and was a total twat all weekend towards me, doing things like pulling faces when I spoke, and snapping at me. I tried to pull him up on his behaviour several times but it made him worse.

Now he is in one of those moods again today as he worked yesterday, and has been a total arse. We've just been out for tea with the kids and whilst we were there he kept 'joking' but being really nasty saying things like "lets gang up on mum" and "the only thing mum is good at is spending money". Then in the car home he looked at me and pulled a face, and I said calmly for him to stop being so horrible and that I know he's tired but I don't like these moods. He then went off on one at me telling me to shut up and he doesn't want to hear my voice anymore tonight. We got home and he opened his car door and stormed inside, leaving me to sort the kids out. And he has just been doing horrible things like turning off the tumble drier when I'd put it on to dry the school clothes for tomorrow, and pulling faces when I speak.

I am not brilliant at ignoring bad moods or coping with difficult atmospheres as I grew up in a house with a very moody, volatile father. I wish I could just brush it off but I can't. I feel like I need calm. It just makes me so cross. DH was even like it for about 3 days after we brought our youngest child home from hospital because he was "tired". That, combined with exhaustion, post birth hormones and illness from having a post partum haemorrage, plunged me into weeks of depression and sadness.

How can I deal with all this? Has anyone got any tips on how to ignore bad moods and to not let it bother me?

Aw diddins he's tired, thay does not give him the right to treat you like shit. If my Dp told me to 'wind my neck in' I'd walk out and leave him to work out why. Not a word simply get up and leave,every time until he gets the message that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. How dare he treat you like this, you are worth more.

Hi OP,

I divorced my vindictive EA H. He used to threaten to move out and/or divorce me in arguments that he had started and it used to upset me hugely. It was his trump card and he would wield it, even if I had merely stood up for myself on something as petty as how I cooked fishfingers. He could escalate a minor disagreement into a terrifying nuclear war with no contribution from me...or at least I spent the time desperately trying to mollify and or backing down from my outrageous fish-finger stance.

This seems to be happening to you. It is abuse.

His method leaves you standing. He has well-practiced distraction tactics. While you're wondering 'WTF? How did he get to this? What's the matter with the fish fingers?' he has already achieved his objective i.e. you're terrified, desperate, crying and worried he is going to divorce you. It is a horrible thing to live through.

People's replies on here might seem very extreme. But we've probably all seen this kind of abuse come from people we thought were supposed to care for us. That's the big bluff. Someone who cares about you would not treat you like this.

It takes a while to sink in. He is vile and vindictive, and, going on your last post, always willing to start a fight just to keep you on your terrified toes. Everytime he does this he is consciously and forcefully letting you know who is boss.

He is behaving very badly in front of your DCs. This is another form of blackmail. He knows that you are going to do anything you can to avoid shouting and nastiness in front of them, so you are powerless. Even now, years after we split up, if someone is shouty at me in front of my children - a random man complaining about me parking in front of his house, or another complaining that my child had splashed his child in a puddle in the park (!) - I still feel utterly powerless, terrified and mute instead of standing up for myself. This, I understand, is the long-lasting result of being emotionally bullied in my marriage. It takes a long time to get over and I am very glad I got my children out of that hostile environment.

Don't waste too much time wondering why he is doing this. Some counselling for you (not both of you) might be useful. Don't live in fear.

p.s. When I did start divorce proceedings against him of course he was utterly outraged, despite him being the one to threaten me with it whenever he decided that I wasn't doing as I was told!

OP - he is a prick. 'Let's gang up on mum' to your DC's!! Really? How passive aggressive. Do you want your DC's to view this as a healthy relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but get rid!

My dh works shifts, and clicked on here to read the thread as when he's been working nights and early mornings back to back he can be a grumpy git. What you describe though is a whole level above. NOT normal. "Let's gang up on mum?!" What's all that shit about?!
I wouldn't be having any of that, as well as the digs at me in front of the kids. Noooo chance.
Turning things off that you've put on as well?! Nope. All this sails into nastiness that goes beyond tiredness.

He is allowed to do as he pleases including be nasty to me but I don't seem to have the same rights unfortunately.

Why is he allowed to do as he pleases including being nasty to you? Because you let him.

Sorry, don't agree with others. If every couple would divorce over that type of situation, all the women would be divorced.
However, I do believe he should learn how to talk to you. You should talk to him on a "good day" and let him know that he is hurting you. For now just stop talking to him. There's nothing you can say at this moment that will stop this twattish behaviour.
I also believe that word "abuse" is used too often on mumsnet. Soon it will stop meaning what it actually means. Every argument or disagreement will be abuse in women's eyes.

I'd fucking well let him divorce me. He sounds a total areshole.

Arsehole I meant to say . .

Jesus this website.

Is this was a woman the posters would be mobius like I crafting maybes

maybe she has autism
maybe she has bi polar
maybe she has stress she's not telling you about

but the only advice is ltb

Seems like too many here Base their life on Holywood where OP is going to have a series of costumes changes to music with her BFF before being swept off her feet by some dashing yogi 3 days later

I was going to come on and say my DP is the same, going by your thread title, but he's not. My DP does get in a bad mood when he's tired but the difference is, when I tell him to stop being a twat, he snaps out of it, apologises and gets himself an early night once we've both got the dc to bed.

You "d"h sounds like an abusive asshole. There's no need for him to act like this when he's tired (boo fucking hoo, who doesn't get tired occasionally) turning off the tumble dryer with the kids clothes in is completely twatish behaviour. As is the way he's treating you and the kids.

You don't need to put up with this shit. You really don't.

she doesnt have to suck it up. Noone does. However if someone is fine the majority of the time, but turns into a bit of a wanker when overtired i wouldnt be jumping to say he was abusive, but then i completely fall to pieces when tired, and i know this. Sometimes if im tired and premenstrual or its full moon or new moon, then im best left alone.

My children are also argumentative and horrid when tired. Dp is too. I assumed it was pretty common.

I never plan journeys that start too early or in the night. Its not worth it.
I encourage dp to try and get naps if hes had to pull an allnighter for work etc, and he takes children if im like that and has to sit there listening to me wailing and whinging if i am having sleep issues. The children are more difficult as less self aware. Maybe we are all abusive to each other for having moods, or maybe lots of families arent perfect and do have to work their way round moods? If you think everyone would just super easily find partners that never get moody or shitty when tired who they still love in every other way, im not sure i agree.
A couple of days moody tiredness a month, id be telling him to fuck off back to bed and come back when he's human again, not be calling womems aid.

Unless theres more to this than it reads as?

But Bran she is too scared to do that. Apparently he'll divorce her.
Still sound okay to you?

Yes, there is more to it

there very often is

It's not just a mood though is it. Turning the tumble dryer off and trying to get the DC onside is horrible behaviour. OP seems scared, and he's manipulating her with threats of divorce.

Your H is being a nasty bastard.

You are too frightened to talk to him because he will divorce you? Are you happy to live like this for the rest of your life. And for your dc to witness this?
I hope not!
You have to speak to him and tell him he needs to stop this nasty behaviour. being tred or even very ill dirs not excuse this behaviour because it is abusive.
If he doesn't stop then you will have to leave him.

i'm aghast that you are worried about him divorcing you! He is an abusive twat and you need to leave for the sake of your kids as well as yourself. The only other way through this is if he really does treat you well when he's not in one of his moods and acknowledges that he needs help (and seeks it) for those difficult times.

I get up before dawn 5 days a week. I exist on about 5 hours sleep 5 days a week (any less and I'd never have any time with DP). Consequently, I am always and genuinely tired.

The repercussions of this are that I'm not usually the life and soul of the party Mon to Fri. I don't always have a lot of energy and fall asleep on the sofa more often than I'd like. Maybe - sometimes - I take things to heart and am more sensitive than normal because my reserves are low and this might mean I snap because I haven't thought things through before responding because I'm exhausted. But I can't emphasise enough how infrequent those occasions are, and it never gets personal.

However ...... I do NOT engage in petty spite. I do NOT strop off and leave my partner to deal with our child. I do NOT put him down. I do NOT sabotage anything he tries to do. I do NOT pull pathetic faces at him or undermine him in front of our child. I don NOT try to turn our child against him. I do NOT speak to him like shit. I DO make every effort to ensure my tiredness doesn't affect my family - I do NOT 'opt out' and when I've fallen asleep I apologise when I wake up if my nap's meant that DP has ended up doing chores we'd usually share. Again, those occasions are very rare .... I push myself through the tiredness 99% of the time to make sure our family life is normal.

I have also suffered severe depression at several points in my life. Again, I can assure you that that did NOT make me behave like a bitch towards my partner. I may have withdrawn, I may have been 'anti social', I may have been irrational - but FFS, I wasn't psychotic .... I still had a grasp on reality (albeit that my reality at the time was pretty soul destroying), I still kept my basic sense of morality - the one where you know it's wrong to be spiteful and cruel.

With everything you've written, I'd be astonished if there's some sort of justifiable medical reason behind this - be it physical or emotional. He comes across to me like an emotional abuser who uses 'tiredness' as justification for his attitude. Heaping insult upon injury when you dare to object to his nasty name calling and spite .... not only are you supposed to just suck it all up, but you're a horrid unsympathetic woman to boot because oh diddums, he's so 'tired' and you've had the temerity to object to his goading.

Honestly OP I don't think this is about you and it certainly shouldn't be about you learning to 'cope' with these revolting displays of spite and petulance. Quite apart from the fact that he does it in front of the children too - sending them the message it's okay to be a bully, it's okay to lay down the law, it's okay to opt out of family life (if you're a 'man') etc. Frankly, the best way of 'coping' with this IMO would be to kick his sorry arse into touch.

A lot of people get snappy when tired or hungry. It lasts until they've had a rest or eaten. No walking on eggshells required by those around them.

What you're describing isn't the above. Your man is unfortunately an abusive arse.

If every couple would divorce over that type of situation, all the women would be divorced.

Really?

You think all men are emotionally abusive?

Tiredness doesn't make people switch off dryers.

if every couple divorced over this situation, there would be a lot lot fewer unchallenged abusers making other people's lives a fucking misery

bring it on...

He's obviously being a nasty fucker. A three-hour journey and he's so 'tired' he makes faces, is horrible to you and withdraws from his children?

Let the bastard divorce you. Good riddance.

I'm not a knee-jerk LTB-er, but I do tend to reply to threads that have this well-worn theme, because they have themes that are familiar to me.

I feel for this OP, because she is asking the questions I asked myself again and again when I was married to XH.

Things like:

Has anyone got any tips on how to ignore bad moods and to not let it bother me?

Advice along the lines of 'get him when he's in a good mood and tell him how much his behaviour is upsetting you'.... is fine, but I expect OP has probably tried this. If OP had difficulty actually communicating her concerns to her DH, then it would be a communication issue. I sincerely doubt this is a communication issue. I suspect her H knows exactly how his horrible behaviour affects her and he has absolutely no intention of changing it. His behaviour gets him what he wants - a fearful, anxious wife who doesn't want to challenge him, as she can't bear the consequences.

God knows why he wants that. It stumps me. But it appears he does. The solution is not to find ways of growing a tougher skin or ignoring his behaviour. That just doesn't work. I tried it for a few months.

At the very least it is time for the OP to consider an exit strategy. And I think there is very little she can do to change his behaviour. Unfortunately it is probably ultimatum time. Along the lines of 'If you continue to treat me like your enemy, if you continue to undermine me, bully me and verbally abuse me then we should separate. Your agressive behaviour is unacceptable and it is a dealbreaker for me.'

EstRusMum Yes, it's 'only' verbal and emotional abuse at the moment. What do you think would happen if she didn't shut up and back down every time, you think it would remain only verbal and emotional? This guy is a tinder box, just waiting for a reason... I know his type. This woman can't be herself while she is married to him - why is her marriage to be valued over that?

Oh, and by the way swiggity If it was a woman in the OP the advice would be just the same. I've never read a thread where a man was told just to suck up emotional abuse by his partner. (There is always the good old 'if the genders were reversed' bullshit though!)