To be annoyed that DH always acts like a twat when he's tired?

[pearlesque]

Once a month or so, if DH is tired from work, he'll get in an absolutely foul mood for between 1 and 3 days. When he is in these moods he is argumentative, often quite unkind to me but does it under the guise of a joke, obtuse about things, and just difficult to live with. He also withdraws from the DCs and I and does nothing in the house.

He last did it a month ago when we went to stay with friends for a night. Because we had had to get up early on the day we travelled, and then travelled a 3 hour journey, he was "tired" and was a total twat all weekend towards me, doing things like pulling faces when I spoke, and snapping at me. I tried to pull him up on his behaviour several times but it made him worse.

Now he is in one of those moods again today as he worked yesterday, and has been a total arse. We've just been out for tea with the kids and whilst we were there he kept 'joking' but being really nasty saying things like "lets gang up on mum" and "the only thing mum is good at is spending money". Then in the car home he looked at me and pulled a face, and I said calmly for him to stop being so horrible and that I know he's tired but I don't like these moods. He then went off on one at me telling me to shut up and he doesn't want to hear my voice anymore tonight. We got home and he opened his car door and stormed inside, leaving me to sort the kids out. And he has just been doing horrible things like turning off the tumble drier when I'd put it on to dry the school clothes for tomorrow, and pulling faces when I speak.

I am not brilliant at ignoring bad moods or coping with difficult atmospheres as I grew up in a house with a very moody, volatile father. I wish I could just brush it off but I can't. I feel like I need calm. It just makes me so cross. DH was even like it for about 3 days after we brought our youngest child home from hospital because he was "tired". That, combined with exhaustion, post birth hormones and illness from having a post partum haemorrage, plunged me into weeks of depression and sadness.

How can I deal with all this? Has anyone got any tips on how to ignore bad moods and to not let it bother me?

Verbal & emotional abuse is soul destroying..it chips away at you, shattering your self-esteem and sense of worth. You are with the man you love & thought he loved you, yet he's hellbent on treating you like shit, making you feel unworthy and disrespected..with the odd good times & soothing apologies in between, to keep you hooked. Its a waking nightmare to live with. There's still a mindset out there that if your partner isn't physically violent then its not really abuse. But, it is abuse - there are many calculated, sustained and prolonged ways to bring a person down and some are good at it.

I agree with what Poppy has said.

It is emotional abuse. And it creeps in insidiously so you don't realise, sad to see a little victim blaming here and there.

FWIW, I'm planning on divorcing my DH for situations that don't appear to be as shouty as you are experiencing. It's not ok.

OP, I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. Totally unacceptable behaviour on his part. If you truly think he'd divorce you if you calmly walked off when he goes off on one, then I'd walk, and bollocks to him. He has no right to treat you like that, and expecting you to put up and shut up is way out of order.

All of that said, how does he act when he's not in one of his moods? Does he apologise? Remorseful? Will he communicate properly with you? I ask because there are some similarities with your DH and mine. When my DH is tired, and stressed at work, he has these moments of acting like an utter dick. Doing something stupid and petty, in what feels like an attempt to teach me a lesson. They're not as often as yours, and he's always very apologetic, and makes a big effort to make amends. Still totally unacceptable, but we're working on it.

Can you talk to your DH calmly about this, when he's not in a mood? How do you think he'd react? Would he accept fault? Discuss this rationally? If not, then I'm afraid I'm with the "LTB" camp.

this is abuse

I'm another who is sorry to read that you are living with this crap. He is emotionally abusive and a bully. Nobody, NOBODY suddenly turns into a nasty bastard when they are tired unless they were a nasty bastard all the time. Your children are going to learn that making fun of people and bullying are normal. Please LTB.

Being snappish or overly emotional when you're tired is one thing. Turning off the dryer out of petty spite is another thing entirely, at least if you're older than, let's be generous and say seven. He's acting like a nasty child. There's no excuse for an adult to act that way.
Do you want your DCs to think this is an appropriate way to act?

swiggityswoogity, were you drunk when you posted that?

Honestly OP his behaviour is totally unacceptable. If I were you I would be opening the front door and telling him to fuck off and don't come back until he can behave in a civilised manner. It's terrible for your children to see him treat you this way - and he wouldn't get the chance to divorce me, I would be in way before him.

There is no way you should be looking for ways to excuse him and of course it bothers you. You really need to sort this out for your own benefit but if you can't then do it for your children.

Can I suggest that you move this to relationships? There are loads of women on there who've had this sort of this who will be able to advise you. I do agree, call Women's Aid.

From what you've said, perhaps you should also speak with a divorce lawyer to at least find out what your rights are.

perhaps swiggity has been swiggin' on the ole moonshine