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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that DH always acts like a twat when he's tired?

110 replies

pearlesque · 22/03/2015 20:00

Once a month or so, if DH is tired from work, he'll get in an absolutely foul mood for between 1 and 3 days. When he is in these moods he is argumentative, often quite unkind to me but does it under the guise of a joke, obtuse about things, and just difficult to live with. He also withdraws from the DCs and I and does nothing in the house.

He last did it a month ago when we went to stay with friends for a night. Because we had had to get up early on the day we travelled, and then travelled a 3 hour journey, he was "tired" and was a total twat all weekend towards me, doing things like pulling faces when I spoke, and snapping at me. I tried to pull him up on his behaviour several times but it made him worse.

Now he is in one of those moods again today as he worked yesterday, and has been a total arse. We've just been out for tea with the kids and whilst we were there he kept 'joking' but being really nasty saying things like "lets gang up on mum" and "the only thing mum is good at is spending money". Then in the car home he looked at me and pulled a face, and I said calmly for him to stop being so horrible and that I know he's tired but I don't like these moods. He then went off on one at me telling me to shut up and he doesn't want to hear my voice anymore tonight. We got home and he opened his car door and stormed inside, leaving me to sort the kids out. And he has just been doing horrible things like turning off the tumble drier when I'd put it on to dry the school clothes for tomorrow, and pulling faces when I speak.

I am not brilliant at ignoring bad moods or coping with difficult atmospheres as I grew up in a house with a very moody, volatile father. I wish I could just brush it off but I can't. I feel like I need calm. It just makes me so cross. DH was even like it for about 3 days after we brought our youngest child home from hospital because he was "tired". That, combined with exhaustion, post birth hormones and illness from having a post partum haemorrage, plunged me into weeks of depression and sadness.

How can I deal with all this? Has anyone got any tips on how to ignore bad moods and to not let it bother me?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 21:02

Telling you to "shut up" and that he doesn't want to hear your voice anymore?

Of course he realises.

SlaggyIsland · 22/03/2015 21:02

I think he sounds like an abusive bastard. Leave him.

Justusemyname · 22/03/2015 21:03

ThroughThickandThin, what? Annoyed because I didn't type out the full name? Couldn't be bothered as their post wasn't worth it but yes, get annoyed in a purely pointless way on the OP's behalf .

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/03/2015 21:11

I think there's probably more to it than being tired. My DH went through a phase of being really grumpy - he never put me down but he withdrew from family, became unreliable, spent hours in bed, I was walking on eggshells all the time. He was treated for depression, and although I was told on Mumsnet to leave him, I stayed and he's a totally, TOTALLY different person now.
So I wouldn't write it off as him being unhappy in the relationship until you can dig a bit deeper. Is he under a lot of pressure at work? Do you have any reason to think he might be unhappy at home? Is he nasty to anyone else, like his family? What is he like the rest of the time? And is he open to change? He has to want to change.

PlummyBrummy · 22/03/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onehellofaride · 22/03/2015 21:17

I was coming on here to say I know what you mean because DH is the same but on reading it's not the same at all. DH is snappy and picks at things not done, he winds me up and can be unhelpful but not even nearly to that extent! You need to speak to him about it because I don't think I could live like that.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 21:17

Plummy we are working on your husband's "issues" ?

why are you working on them ?

FairPhyllis · 22/03/2015 21:24

This isn't someone being tired and grumpy. This is someone giving you the emotional equivalent of a good kicking, because that's how he gets his amusement.

Fairenuff · 22/03/2015 21:27

If my dh did that I would walk away OP. If he treated me like that in the house I would walk out and spend the day with friends or family instead. If we were away, I would get in the car and drive home by myself.

I would leave the children with him and let him look after them. Each and every time. If he asked me why, I would say I was tired and needed a break from him.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/03/2015 21:45

This is someone giving you the emotional equivalent of a good kicking, because that's how he gets his amusement.

You can't say that for sure from the original post.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 21:47

Of course that's a reasonable inference given the original post.

Original poster

pearlesque · 22/03/2015 21:48

Shortly after I posted earlier DH came into the living room and sat down in the chair with lots of dramatic huffing and puffing. I asked him if he was still in a bad mood and said that if he was I'd be going upstairs as I wasn't going to sit there and listen to that rubbish. He shouted "WIND YOUR NECK IN" then proceeded to lecture me on how I shouldn't start things with him if I didn't want him to have a go back??!!!!

I would love to do things like walk off when he's being like that, or go home in the car but he would divorce me if I did!

He is allowed to do as he pleases including be nasty to me but I don't seem to have the same rights unfortunately.

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 22/03/2015 21:50

I don't think you should leave it to him to divorce you, if I'm honest.

Charlotte3333 · 22/03/2015 21:51

t's easy to say but I honestly don't think I'd be prepared to live with someone who treated me that way.

Do your children understand that the way he speaks to you is hurting you? I think that would be the biggest deal breaker; the fact that he's using them against you. It's not only hurting you but damaging them. Don't let his tiredness become an excuse for something far, far bigger.

Charlotte3333 · 22/03/2015 21:55

Pearl Why on earth aren't you allowed to stand up to him? He'd divorce you? No, he wouldn't, he'd shit himself.

Do any of your friends or family know what's going on? You need support, you need advice from people who know your situation and you need to put yourself and your children first. Never him. Not until he gets his shit together.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 21:55

He'd divorce you? Result I would have said.

TendonQueen · 22/03/2015 21:56

Frankly if you walked off and he divorced you, that'd be a win-win. Has he threatened this? What are his good points that apparently make you want to stay with him?

SlaggyIsland · 22/03/2015 21:56

He'd divorce you? Win!

Fairenuff · 22/03/2015 21:57

I would love to do things like walk off when he's being like that, or go home in the car but he would divorce me if I did!

That's what he would like you to believe. But he won't. Men like him don't want to be on their own, they want a woman at their beck and call. Imagine if he had to do all his own cooking, cleaning, washing, childcare, shopping, blah, blah, blah.

Call his bluff I say. What's the worst that can happen?

Seriouslyffs · 22/03/2015 21:57

Staying with him is really damaging your children. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.
Leave him.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/03/2015 21:59

How long has he acted like this? If it's only recently, what's changed? If he's always been like this it's going to be hard for him to change.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 22:02

OP, you are in abusive relationship

Please call Women's Aid and find a way to end it

You are walking on eggshells around him and cannot act naturally in response to his moods and treatment of you

Your children are getting some very damaging lessons about how men and women are meant to interact with each other

TheSingingMonkey · 22/03/2015 22:05

I would think divorce is an ideal situation.

Think about what example this is setting for your children. They are growing up thinking this behaviour is normal.

debbriana · 22/03/2015 22:38

I don't think you should put up with that kind of behaviour. Be strong.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/03/2015 23:02

The only thing you need OP is an EXIT STRATEGY. Do you want to be dealing with this immature fuckwit for the next 50 years? Do you want your kids to have this as their role model for future relationships?

The next day you have time to yourself call Women's Ad and make an appointment with a local solicitor. Start getting your ducks in a row.

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