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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you consider is a realistic age for having a last baby?

478 replies

GlitteringJasper · 21/03/2015 23:47

Purely based on your own personal opinion?

What age is the 'cut off' in your mind for someone having their final baby?

Really interested to hear views on this!

Am dithering!

OP posts:
Postchildrenpregranny · 22/03/2015 01:37

Yes thats what my GP said mcgilly . I'd rather hoped for special treatment as an elderly prima gravida And I agree . I did it all exactly how I wanted to -'age' had given me the confidence!
(and above should have said 'it wasnt from choice' )

Italiangreyhound · 22/03/2015 01:41

Well if you have the luxury of trying before you are 35, that is best, biologically because women's ertility starts to decline rapidly at 35 or 36. I did not worry until 36 and we started try at 27, i had my dd at 39.

But for a second child I was still trying to have a baby with my own eggs at 44 and with donor eggs at 47. We ended up adopting our second child. And he is a treasure.

I don't regret my life at all but if you people are in a position (good relationship or whatever you need) to try before 35 I would go for it! The pain of not being able to conceive when you want to is very hard. But if you are over 25 I would keep going as long as it feels right.

Just remember to get fertility check if you have not conceived after a year, or after 6 months if you are over 35! Just my advice.

Italiangreyhound · 22/03/2015 01:43

oopse!

... women's fertility starts to decline rapidly at 35 or 36. I did not marry until 36...

But if you are over 35 I would keep going as long as it feels right.

squoosh · 22/03/2015 01:45

35?

Ha! None of my friends had a baby before 35.

Want2bSupermum · 22/03/2015 01:54

I had my first at 31 and my second at 32. I'm turning 35 next month and talking with DH about adding numbers 3 and 4. Where we live preschool for 3 & 4 year olds is 830 - 230 is free. If I have child 3 in 18 months I would be 36 and then number 4 when 39 I would be all done before turning 40.

I would like to be done at 40 because kids will finish college at 22 that means I will be 62 and DH 66. I also don't want more than 10 years between my first and last. You go over a generation and they might find it hard to get along.

aurynne · 22/03/2015 01:57

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1199866/Worlds-oldest-mother-dies-cancer-just-years-giving-birth-twin-boys.html

While many women may feel they are right to try at any age because it was not fair for them that they had not found the one, or they did not have the chance while pursuing their careers, the fact is, our bodies are much better prepared for pregnancy and birth before 35. On top of our eggs not getting any younger, and the higher risks of illness and disease in old age, fertility treatment actually increases the risks of cancer and other complications, and in my opinion this should also feature in the wishes of women to have children very late in life, especially when they go at it on their own. Sometimes everything in life is not just about you, and what you want. In this particular case, it is also about thinking of the children you will bring to this world to take care of an elderly mother and be orphaned when they haven't even reached adulthood themselves.

So yes, personally I think 54 is way too late to have fertility treatment, and that there should be a point in life in which people accept they may not get to achieve their life dream. There are many other dreams that can be achieved.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/03/2015 01:58

Me personally? Not later than 30, but this is in part due to my husbands age as well, as he is older than I am and we want to both be able to enjoy the children we do have.

Anybody else? I'd say 45.

Want2bSupermum · 22/03/2015 02:03

aur that's your own opinion. It's not right to cast judgement on others regarding fertility. I am very fortunate to not have had any issues but all of my friends have.

If someone wants to try for a baby at 52 then go try it but have plans in place so that child can be cared for. I'd think the same for any other parent. It shocks me to hear about so many parents who don't have a will or any form of insurance to cover the cost of raising their child.

squoosh · 22/03/2015 02:04

Well I think most people would agree that 54 is too old for motherhood.

aurynne · 22/03/2015 03:37

Want2bSupermum, as far as I know, our opinion was requested and that is what I gave.

However, many of the statements in my post are not merely an opinion. As a molecular biologist and now a midwife, I have access to information about reproductive biology that simply cannot be denied. We have as many eggs as we will ever have at birth, and the older we get, the older our eggs are... they don't divide, and we don't produce any new one (fact). The older an egg is, the higher the chance of chromosomal and metabolic disorders in a child conceived by it (fact). The older a person is, the higher the risk of cancer and other diseases (fact). Fertility treatment increases even more the risks of cancer, especially in older age (fact). If as child is conceived by a single mother who is of advanced age, that child will have far greater chances of being orphaned very young. Or of having to care for an elderly mother while very young. What of these are not facts according to you?

What is an opinion is, at which point our wish to fulfil our wish of motherhood becomes more important than the downsides of bearing a child who will be burned with these higher risks.

aurynne · 22/03/2015 03:40

*burdened, even

squoosh · 22/03/2015 03:47

As a molecular biologist and now a midwife, I have access to information about reproductive biology that simply cannot be denied. We have as many eggs as we will ever have at birth, and the older we get, the older our eggs are... they don't divide, and we don't produce any new one (fact).

Hmmm, hardly new information.

Newsflash: that is general knowledge to people who aren't even biologists or midwifes.

LST · 22/03/2015 03:53

I'm 25 in June and I am done Grin I certainly couldn't imagine babies in another 20 years! Grankids maybe.. and I could give those back Wink

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 22/03/2015 03:55

My mum was 44 when she had me.

I was almost 38 when DS was born. We're not having anymore. I was chatting to my OB a couple of weeks ago and he asked if I was going to have another. I said I felt I was too tired old. He then told me that he'd been at the delivery of a baby to a 52 year old (via IVF).

aurynne · 22/03/2015 04:13

squoosh that is what I tended to believe, but I have been surprised by how many people think that is a mere opinion, and that how fertile someone is is somehow related to how youthful they felt and looked.

stolemyusername · 22/03/2015 04:15

Personally for me it's in my mid 30's. I had my eldest in my late teens and siblings in my 20's - now I'm (happily) 14 weeks pregnant in my mid 30's after thinking my family was finished, I know for sure I don't want to be pregnant over 4 decades of my life. If I'd started later it would probably change my opinion though.

aurynne · 22/03/2015 04:16

(in addition to that, I could talk about things that are not as commonly known, such as the higher risk of IUGR, placental problems, congenital abnormalities, pre-term and small for gestational age babies in older mothers undergoing IVF... if it makes you feel it is more "appropriate" for a molecular biologist and a midwife, but that is not what this post was about)

musicalendorphins2 · 22/03/2015 04:20

35

squoosh · 22/03/2015 04:27

I have no feelings about what is 'appropriate' (your word) for a 'molecular biologist/midwife' to speak about. I merely pointed out that your there was little in your post that wasn't known by the average non-molecular biologist/midwife woman in the street.

aurynne · 22/03/2015 04:30

I wish! I am afraid your average woman in the street seems to be much more informed than the average ones who walk into midwifery clinics where I work.

FastWindow · 22/03/2015 04:34

Had my first at 37, second at 41. There is no upper limit in your head, just what the body limits. I think you want another baby, and if you can and your circumstances allow, then why not?

Want2bSupermum · 22/03/2015 04:34

aur the OP asked what others opinions are. I take that to mean our own personal opinion of when you would last consider having a child. I didn't read that the OP was asking for anyone to judge if these opinions were correct or not.

For me fertility is personal and I am surrounded by couples who have had issues. I would hope that as a midwife you might have some empathy for someone who has had multiple miscarriages or still births. I have two friends who had still births and they were quite far into their pregnancies. Words can't describe how awful it was to see the couples grieve for their child. Also if you had some self awareness of what is discussed in MN you would know there are plenty of posters who have had fertility issues. They really don't need your judgy pants opinions or daily mail articles.

BigRedBall · 22/03/2015 04:40

Personal experience: 30 is my body's cut off point. I'm still knackered. My body is taking its time to heal (I'm almost 32 now!). Haven't slept through a night in years. I just could not do the baby thing again if I was older. Scary thing is I just had a dream an hour ago about having a newborn Confused...

aurynne · 22/03/2015 04:42

Yes, unfortunately I have been involved, and present, in miscarriages and still births and I agree about the heartache of infertility. However, this is a forum in the internet in which we are discussing interesting topics, and the original question was about our opinions, which I keep to myself when with clients, as I assume everyone does out of a discussion forum when risking offending. Part of this discussion is about the wishes of parents versus the realistic effects on the children who will be affected by these wishes, and at which point one trumps the other. In this thread we are actually hearing both parts, which I think is good. If no one could give an opinion for fear of hurting the feelings of others, forums like MN would not even exist. My opinion is irrelevant to anyone else than myself, but still as valid as anyone else's.

cakedcrusader · 22/03/2015 04:48

36 for me which gives me a few more years to decide re dc3 Grin I want to be young and well enough to enjoy myself when they leave home.

What anyone else does is none of my business, sometimes circumstances dictate and other times the person has made the best decision for themselves in their situation. Who the fuck is anyone else to judge?!