About childcare professionals and healthcare professionals calling people "Mum"

[MrsFlannel]

When I went to have my babies I was very irritated by people (nurses etc) saying stuff like "And what does Mum think?" to me...or "Would Mum like to hold the baby now?"

It's unnecessary but seems ingrained!

My neighbour works in a nursery and when she tells me little anecdotes about her day it's all "Well Mum was told about Timmy's early reading ability and she wasn't pleased that he has been spending time with books instead of running about."

Or

"Mum came to pick Nancy up early because..."

"Johhny's got a cold again and Mum's complained about it."

WHY?

Is it so hard to say "Tommy's Mum came early today."???

Also if anyone could please help me understand WHY I hate this I would be pleased.

It an easy shorthand. HCP's in particular are there to deal with your child and his/her needs, they have neither the time or the inclination to learn or use your name. As long as they are doing their job properly I couldn't care less.

They don't NEED to learn my name though They can still be polite without calling me by name!

"Would you like to hold the baby now?"

"Are you feeling well?"

How hard is that? I'm not THEIR Mum am I? And I'm not JUST a Mum. So use no name or my real one.

Hate that! Especially when hcps do it (it doesn't annoy me so much with nursery for some reason).

Just ask my name even if you forget and have to ask again next time!

I told the midwife to stop it *Guide"....nicely of course...and she was all But I don't care....I won't be called something I don't like over and over again!

It's wank.

The personal pronoun, "you" would do nicely, as would "Tommy's mum".

Mind you, "baby" as in " baby wouldn't settle last night" instead of "my baby/DD/DS" infests MN threads.

Hah I can't explain it but it irritates me too. Also, not quite the same but when we had a carer in to help my mum's auntie, the carer insisted on referring to my great-auntie, when talking to us, as "Mum", despite the fact we'd told her she was our auntie/great-auntie. I think that annoyed us because it was clearly confusing my poor great-auntie!

I guess a lot of HCPs use Mum that way (as a proper noun/name) because it's impossible for them to remember all new parents' names.

I used to get similarly irrationally irritated about the baby sensory class women only ever referring to our "little ones!" (with fixed grin and implied exclamation mark) rather than "babies" or "children". Aaagh.

As long as they're being polite, I don't really care. I'm not JUST a mum but in terms of my dealings with them I am, since they're their to take care of the well being of my child. I guess if it bothers you you could just politely request that you're called something else.

I try my hardest not to say mom or dad as I know it's quite rude but it's difficult.

I make a habit of asking the parents how they'd like to be addressed and 99% of the time they are happy for me to use their names and I try really hard to do it.

The words mom or dad just completely roll of the tongue though.

Nah, it doesn't bother me from teachers/MWs/HVs/yadda yadda. I am just mum to them, and I don't mind being referred to as such.

But if somebody who wasn't dealing with me in my capacity as "mum" called me it, then I'd get the knock.

People on MN get offended/annoyed about the oddest things

It really doesn't bother me - certainly not with HCPs. They are focused on sorting out whatever is wrong with my child, calling me 'Mum' means that my child is totally clear who they mean as well.

I genuinely don't understand why people get so annoyed. It isn't about you.

Teachers I haven't really experienced this, I've always been called 'Mrs X' by them - but they have a longer and more detailed relationship with my child than a doctor or nurse who has only just met us - so I would expect them to know my surname.

I think it can be incredibly patronising. It's a particular issue in meetings. I've been to, for instance, multi-disciplinary meetings about children with disabilities where everyone present gets addressed by their name, except for the child's mother who is simply called "Mum". It is very difficult to avoid the interpretation that it's a technique to keep her firmly in her place: there's a sort of unspoken "You may think you know your child, but we're the professionals". I've been known to intervene and point out that she isn't the mother of anyone there and she does have a name.

Its fine if they have only just met you and you are one of many at a busy clinic etc but I got a bit peeved when I spent six months in a hospital by my daughters bedside and after all that time a few of the regular nurses still called me mum. I knew all of their names, would it have been too much to ask for them to use mine. It was a high dependency setting too so we had the same nurse for the whole of the twelve hour shift with my name clearly written on the sheet in front of her.

Icimoi yes! And it's not all about the child either...those people who say that HCP are just concerned with the child so one IS just a Mum to them...that's not true. Midwives are there for us too...and in Icimoi's case, when she is at a multi disciplinary meeting, her concerns, the parent's opinions and feelings ALL come into play.

I agree Icimoi that it is a dehumanizing tactic designed to keep a new parent in their place.

icimoi will you come to my meetings?

I would prefer "you" rather than "Mum" if they're talking to me, or "your Mum" if they are talking to the DCs (bearing in mind they're not babies). Possessive pronouns are good. I even use one when talking to my brother - eg "Ask your mum", even though she's my mum too.

It didn't bother me too much when midwifes or health visitors done it. It dido bother me last week when one of the nursery teachers shouted "Mum!?" after me when I'd turned a corner. No idea she wanted to talk to me until she said "Timmy's mum!" Grr.

Get over yourselves ladies.

It's the third person but I hate. "How is mum today?" I don't know shall I ask her.
An HCP wouldn't say to a non-mum "how is young woman feeling today"
What IS wrong with the word "you"?

It's particularly weird in the example you describe, because all the professionals are there only as professionals, so addressing them by role wouldn't be inappropriate, yet they use names.

Meanwhile the parent is there as a person as well as in their role, yet they only get addressed by role. And what's more, by the intimate version normally used only by the child, not as "Tommy's mother".

Very strange.

I think there can also be a false intimacy thing going on. It really struck me when my dad died. One minute I was having conversations like, "Yes, tell your dad he can return these to any store if they don't fit," the next it was "Did you want us to dress Dad in anything?"

Happened again last week with a utility bill: person on the phone turned on a sixpence from "your dad" to "Dad" when I explained the reason it was me calling was that he'd died. WTF?

It must vary by training because we're always told to use preferred names and never assume titles like 'mum'.

I liked it. To be honest when my daughter was in nicu with every likelihood of never seeing the light of day it was nice to be thought of as a mum, as I didn't know how briefly I would get to be hers. As it happens she's home now, and fwiw my hcp did ask if I was ok with it.

Louise well then it needs challenging as it doesn't do any of the things you listed.