About childcare professionals and healthcare professionals calling people "Mum"

[MrsFlannel]

When I went to have my babies I was very irritated by people (nurses etc) saying stuff like "And what does Mum think?" to me...or "Would Mum like to hold the baby now?"

It's unnecessary but seems ingrained!

My neighbour works in a nursery and when she tells me little anecdotes about her day it's all "Well Mum was told about Timmy's early reading ability and she wasn't pleased that he has been spending time with books instead of running about."

Or

"Mum came to pick Nancy up early because..."

"Johhny's got a cold again and Mum's complained about it."

WHY?

Is it so hard to say "Tommy's Mum came early today."???

Also if anyone could please help me understand WHY I hate this I would be pleased.

I'd be more pissed off if I was the parents of the children your neighbour feels the need to tell you 'anecdotes' about.

I say this as someone who had half my (very boring) life broadcasted about the village by carers coming in to look after a family member.

Er, ask them their name three?

The OP was largely about nursery staff etc talking about the parents of the children they had been looking after. If I'm talking to a parent, I'll just say "what do you think", or "what are you worried about" etc - I agree it's a bit off to address the parent and say "What does Mum think" - but if talking about them to another health professional I don't have enough space in my head to remember all the names!

I would suggest that it would be extraordinary if the records that your practice keeps don't include the name of the child's mother

They don't. Not recorded in the child's notes, unless they are known to social services.

Yes, I could check the address and see how many other adults live at that address - if there is only one female adult, that person may be the mother. Or the child may live with Dad and the other woman at the address may be the step parent. Or the lodger. Or the nanny. Or the previous occupant who never let us know that they moved.

Doing that for every child I see would add up in terms of time and probably mean I could see one or two less patients per day.

You don't have to remember names! Just say "The child's Mother thinks X" or "The parent thought it could be X."

Not hard!

And what do you do if the patient comes in with someone who isn't their mother or father

I'd ask them who they are - if talking about the consultation later to a colleague I might well say "the aunt said..." or "the grandmother told me that...." etc

The thread isn't really about how HCPs talk to each other about relatives who are not present. It's about how they choose to address the actual people with whom they are currently conducting a conversation.

Whippet yes....she's quite young and a bit naive. I did in fact tell her that it wasn't a good idea to gossip about certain things...for eg. she was telling me about a child with a particular health issue. Mainly because she was slightly traumatized by his becoming very ill one day...she came home quite upset and proceeded to tell me too much.

This is a smallish town and she could inadvertently embarrass someone.

All but the first line of the OP is about professionals talking to other people, not to the mother.

Three as the OP I would like to clarify. This thread is about Mothers being addressed as Mum by people who are not their child.

at the nursery my son goes to they refer to all the parents as mummy or daddy, so when I pick up my son some of the kids will refer to me as mummy. and when the dads pick up the kids they refer to them as daddy. Now DS (23 months) calls every man he see daddy as he sees different men come and pick up their kids and they are all called daddy.....it can be very frustrating....not sure it will ever change though as it it easy for people to refer to you as mum.

Ok fair enough - I wasn't clear about that as most of your post was about your neighbour talking to you, not to the parents themselves.

I have to say it doesn't remotely bother me when professionals are dealing with my kids - it's obviously a shortcut and TBH everyone is so overstretched these days I'd rather they spend their limited time doing their job, not trying to remember my name!

I found this very confusing when I was in labour with my dd as my mum was my birth partner. Every time the midwife refered to 'mum' I thought they were talking about my mum!!

Again....I DON'T expect them to remember my name! Not at all necessary!

But if you don't want me to remember your name, what do you want me to call you, if I need to make it clear that I am talking to you and not someone else in the room? Not being arsey, it's a genuine question!

How about "I'm sorry I have no idea what your name is, but you, yes, you with the baby, what do you think?". Or do the eye contact thing.

Madre* - I am sorry that you had that experience with your small child and I hope things are better now. That must have been terrifying. I have not had that experience but I also want all the focus to be on my child in dealings with HCP.
I have sat in a meeting being referred to as: 'mum'. The other 11 professionals were not referred to as SaLT, Head Teacher, OT, etc etc, they were called by their names.

Yes, I would not have been in that meeting if I were not somebody's 'mum' but I am not their mum, and they had all met me on a number of occasions before so everyone knew my name very well. Bizarrely, my husband, our child's father, was referred to as: Mrsamesurnameaschild, but I was still just: 'mum'.

I have found, in extensive dealings with professionals, the higher the namecheck of 'mum' in any conversation (esp when not even bothering to look up) the greater the lack of respect for any information pertaining to the situation that I can offer as a parent.

^Bizarrely, my husband, our child's father, was referred to as: Mrsamesurnameaschild, but I was still just: 'mum'.^

^^ This is what I found odd as well why did my DH not get Dad tagged by MW/HV who were Mumming me right left and centre - they knew he was the Dad so that wasn't the reason.

three, it sounds like you're only using roles to address people when you need to attract attention and are genuinely stuck - which seems reasonable though not ideal.

And when you speak to colleagues, you refer to "the aunt", not "Aunty". So you're being descriptive, not pretending it's someone's name.

This is a world away from the social worker described upthread continually using "Mum" to her flatmate, rather than "the mum". And even further away from the many HCPs using the third-person to people's faces, or forcing in "mum" as every second word.

Id much rather be called 'mum' by a hcp than Mrs (insert ds's surname)
I am not married and i have a different surname to ds so i dont know why they just automatically assume because i have a child i should be a Mrs !

kbbeanie - exactly! Where I work, the parents of a child being married to each other is very much the exception not the rule

I just think this is one of those things that sounds annoying but is really not worth getting het up about. But nice to hear that you think how I do it doesn't sound too annoying surely

hat do you want me to call you, if I need to make it clear that I am talking to you and not someone else in the room?

Honestly, I would prefer it if HCPs just looked me in the eye and addressed me directly.

I appreciate there might be some situations where this wouldn't work - huge crowd of angry worried family clamouring at you and you need to get the mother's attention ASAP or something? - but for every occasion I can think of when HVs or midwives or nurses have called me mum, addressing me directly would have worked fine. Shopkeepers and receptionists and taxi drivers and ticket inspectors and so on manage this every day's other calling me "customer" or "passenger", so why can't my DC's health visitor get through two sentences without calling me "mum"?

"every day without calling me", even.

I get called "Mummy" by the school nursery staff - actual grown ups call me "Mummy"! It both annoys and delights me.

Three , you can call me fanny fanacker pan for all I care, as long as you are looking after my child to the best of your abilities !

This doesn't bother me at all. I am very proud to be a mum and never see the label in an undermining or condescending light at all. Never crossed my mind to think twice about it. I am only ever addressed as 'mum' in situations where the conversation is concerning one of my children and that IS who i am at that moment.

And what is this 'just' a mum stuff? I know i'm more than things than simply my DCs mother. Obviously no one is 'just' a mother; sat in a cupboard rocking until one of the DCs needs taking for an appointment. I imagine HC workers have worked this out.

To me Mum is my title being used at the appropriate time. When you address a doctor as Doctor you don't hear them stropping ''i'm not just a doctor you know!''.