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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About childcare professionals and healthcare professionals calling people "Mum"

103 replies

MrsFlannel · 19/03/2015 10:06

When I went to have my babies I was very irritated by people (nurses etc) saying stuff like "And what does Mum think?" to me...or "Would Mum like to hold the baby now?"

It's unnecessary but seems ingrained!

My neighbour works in a nursery and when she tells me little anecdotes about her day it's all "Well Mum was told about Timmy's early reading ability and she wasn't pleased that he has been spending time with books instead of running about."

Or

"Mum came to pick Nancy up early because..."

"Johhny's got a cold again and Mum's complained about it."

WHY?

Is it so hard to say "Tommy's Mum came early today."???

Also if anyone could please help me understand WHY I hate this I would be pleased.

OP posts:
PterodactylTeaParty · 19/03/2015 12:08

It drives me bonkers, especially since my local HVs/nurses seem to actually go out of their way to cram it in as many sentences as possible. Presumably they've been told to use it lots? I don't expect them to remember my name but ffs, there's no need for all the "Well, Mum, her weight's on the whatevereth percentile" or "OK Mum, just pop Baby on the bench there" or "So, Mum, how's she doing?" I'm not your mum.

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman · 19/03/2015 12:10

'Cos it's rilly rilly important to keep reminding you you're a mother, Ptero.

Otherwise you might forget.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 19/03/2015 12:10

Just as I wouldn't call you:
'doctor / nurse', but Dr Analogy, or, eg, 'Grays' (if you had asked me to)
I wouldn't expect you to call me 'mum' but MrsiHAVE or 'toget' if I had asked you to.

The point is, there is an inbuilt power imbalance and it is important to address that by asking the service user how they would like to be addressed. It is also good manners. Anything else is over familiar at best, patronising at worst.

I often think it must be confusing for small children to hear their parent referred to by other grown ups as: 'Mum', which is surely their word for her (even more confusing if they use another familiarity).

Mamus · 19/03/2015 12:13

I hate it with an irrational passion. If any staff at the DS's school call me Mum, I have to bite back my urge to snap "I am not your fucking mother" and instead smile nicely and do my best not to come across as a total fucking loon. I suspect they are already fully aware of my lunatic status anyway

GraysAnalogy · 19/03/2015 12:13

That's exactly my point IHave. We seem to have this culture in which people almost find it difficult to ask what people prefer to be called. It takes seconds and can make a big difference in building relationships with your patients/clients. It's particularly important for elderly people, as I've found many go by their middle name so using their official first name doesn't feel like 'them' to them IYSWIM.

PterodactylTeaParty · 19/03/2015 12:14

Come to think of it, I don't use "Mum" half that much when I'm actually talking to my own mum...

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman · 19/03/2015 12:20

As pointed out on a previous thread, estate agents don't seem to have a problem using people's names.

They aren't filled with the urge to shoehorn in third-party references: "What does Seller think? Would Buyer like to visit to the property?"

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 19/03/2015 12:24

Grays - yes, that's a very good point about older people too.

chickenfuckingpox · 19/03/2015 13:27

i prefer it to being "assumed married name" i have a daughter and didnt marry her dad (thankfully) for years i was called mrs X and he really was my X so i changed her name and it made me sound like i was married to my dad! Shock so i got called mum a lot too but when i was pregnant with ds i had a few bleeds and had loads of people looking up "there" i insisted they call me by my first name! i mean if your going to see me at my worst call me by my first!

Original poster
MrsFlannel · 19/03/2015 13:29

Surely Grin that's so funny!

OP posts:
threegoingonthirty · 19/03/2015 13:30

it is a dehumanizing tactic designed to keep a new parent in their place.

Sorry, that's rubbish. I'm a GP. We have maybe 2000 children registered at our practice, at a guess I'd say less than half have the same surname as their mother. We also have a very high turnover of patients. Would you like me to proactively learn the names of all 4000 parents so that when little Johnny comes in with a cold, I can greet you by your first name?

If it's a family that I know well, usually because the child has a long term condition then of course I'll use your name. But if you don't want us to use "mum" or "dad" then what would you suggest instead?

HoppityVoosh · 19/03/2015 13:34

Er, ask them their name three?

HoppityVoosh · 19/03/2015 13:36

Or the parent could say "oh, please call me Betty".

MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 19/03/2015 13:38

Or ask them directly "Can you tell me what is wrong with your child?" instead of "Can mum tell me what is wrong with baby?" or (I know this is a bit left-field), look up from your paperwork, make eye contact and say "How can I help you?".

madreloco · 19/03/2015 13:41

The mother has a Psych degree, a Post Grad qualification, a number of child development courses and many years 24/7 parenting experience of her child under her belt and all of these will be part of her contributions in some way,
yet, alone in the room she is referred to as 'mum', not even MrsX.

Yes, but in the room her role IS mum. That is why she is there. I also have all of those things but in the context being referred to, I am there as the mother.

It used to bother me a little until one of my children almost died and we spent a lot of time in hospitals, then engaging with a myriad of HCP's. Quite frankly they could have called me Oi Fuckface for all I cared, they focused on my child and not me and that was just how I wanted it. It seemed a small and churlish thing to care about, to be honest.

brainwashed · 19/03/2015 13:43

I don't like it...it seems wrong when I am with my 18 and 14 year old sons, who are both 6 ft, at the dentist and she refers to me as mum or even worse mummy!

wigglesrock · 19/03/2015 13:44

When I go to my GP with one of mine they usually say "Can you tell me how xxxxxxxxx is feeling?", you not Mum.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 13:50

It's annoying. 'Are you mum?' No, I'm (insert name),' suffices.

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman · 19/03/2015 13:55

Then why aren't all the other people in the room being referred to by their role, madre?

They're there solely in their professional capacity, yet they're addressed by name, not role.

That's where it's weird.

DazzleU · 19/03/2015 13:57

My school manages to call me Mrs Dazzel or talk normally to me not adding a name every sentence - they may say your mum when I'm stood there but it's because the are talking to my DC so it's correct. I don't remember nursery being any different.

My GP occasionally uses it - but I have a sick DC and it's less jarring as it's not every sentence or a few talk as wigglesrock's GP ie normally .

I was a bit taken back with MW and HV tacking MUM to every fucking sentence directed at me. It felt an unnatural speech pattern.

It was particularly noticeable when DH came along they used his Christian name or Mr Dazzel but I was Mum.

Thing was I could assume that they were doing that because they weren't sure who he was but they nearly always checked that he was Dad - but still used his actual name not his role while I was still always MUM.

YANBU - it's an odd practise.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 19/03/2015 14:00

i am very grateful we have the system we have

dont sweat the small stuff

Icimoi · 19/03/2015 14:01

As an HCP we were advised to do it as it demonstrates respect for the family roles and aims to reduce feelings that the professionals are superior in some way.

That's really bizarre. I cannot see how calling a relative stranger "Mum" demonstrates respect for her, and when the professional addresses everyone else normally it certainly gives the impression that s/he does indeed think the mother in question is inferior.

Original poster
MrsFlannel · 19/03/2015 14:05

Madre as Surely says then it follows that the psychologist/the occupational therapist etc are all called by THEIR role no?

OP posts:
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 19/03/2015 14:09

I don't like it either

Icimoi · 19/03/2015 14:11

I'm a GP. We have maybe 2000 children registered at our practice, at a guess I'd say less than half have the same surname as their mother. We also have a very high turnover of patients. Would you like me to proactively learn the names of all 4000 parents so that when little Johnny comes in with a cold, I can greet you by your first name?

In addition to the radical suggestions made upthread like using the word "You", I would suggest that it would be extraordinary if the records that your practice keeps don't include the name of the child's mother. Would it be so difficult to institute a system where you get the child's records up on screen before you call them in, and check out the parents' names from there?

And what do you do if the patient comes in with someone who isn't their mother or father? Do you address the second person as "Friend", "Teacher", "Sister" etc, or do you ask their name?