About childcare professionals and healthcare professionals calling people "Mum"

[MrsFlannel]

When I went to have my babies I was very irritated by people (nurses etc) saying stuff like "And what does Mum think?" to me...or "Would Mum like to hold the baby now?"

It's unnecessary but seems ingrained!

My neighbour works in a nursery and when she tells me little anecdotes about her day it's all "Well Mum was told about Timmy's early reading ability and she wasn't pleased that he has been spending time with books instead of running about."

Or

"Mum came to pick Nancy up early because..."

"Johhny's got a cold again and Mum's complained about it."

WHY?

Is it so hard to say "Tommy's Mum came early today."???

Also if anyone could please help me understand WHY I hate this I would be pleased.

You would be fine. What does mum think? etc is wank. I'm right here, say what do you think

As an HCP we were advised to do it as it demonstrates respect for the family roles and aims to reduce feelings that the professionals are superior in some way.

Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect for me. It can come over as immensely patronising and devalues women to the point where they no longer have a name or identity beyond being "Mum" (not anyone in particular's mum, just mum in general). And being asked "Does mum have any questions?" instead of "Do you have any questions?" sounds like you think I'm a bit deaf, or dim or something. It is all a bit wanky, like adults who talk about themselves in the third person.

It also irritates me.
I don't say anything if it's a one-off, but if I expect to have regular contact with someone I ask them to use my name.

I found it jarring when my social-worker flatmate used it when talking about work long before I had DCs myself.

YANBU, maybe you should try saying 'what does midwife think?' or make it a bit more cute 'does nursey want to take my blood pressure'

Not wishing to shoot the messenger FabUlouse but how on earth can it reduce feelings that the professionals are superior in some way. If I am seeing a consultant for my DD who is Mr or Mrs Jones and referred to as such, how does it reduce superiority to refer to me as Mum? Surely referring to me as Mrs Tied would reduce that?

FWIW last time I was called Mum by someone other than my DD, I pointed out that unless a time machine had been invented and I had also managed to be pregnant and give birth, in the past, without any knowledge of the fact, I was pretty sure I was not the consultant's mum. I got a 'erm, ok, so what on earth would you like to be called?!' I replied- 'ground breaking I know, but how about Mrs Tied?'. I got a wry grin in return.

The thing is, the HCP can probably be reasonably sure that you are the child's mum. Whereas, if the child is called, say Fred Smith, then you could be Mrs Smith, Miss Smith, or Mrs/Miss SomeOtherNameCompletely. So rather than risk calling you by a completely incorrect name, they are just opting for a safe alternative. My DS2 has an extremely rare condition, and we see different consultants and specialists all over the place, all of whom call me "mum", and it has never occurred to me to get cross about it

That doesn't explain HCPs saying "What does mum think" instead of "What do you think".

YANBU. There have been other threads about this, from what I can recollect quite a few trusts are recognising that this is seen as patronising and diminishing, and have started to try to change their practices.

I like being called Mum by professionals. Its a recognition of my job title at that particular moment. Nice and clear with no ambiguity. Suits me.

People on MN get offended and full of rage if someone uses the wrong title.

I think I'd call you all just 'human' but no doubt that will offend some how

They aren't doing it to be offensive. I don't see the issue at all. Not like they are saying :

Ere bellend, want to hold the baby'

YABU because that is your role, you may have other roles but at the time any other role you may have is immaterial.
Why not be happy to be mum once in a while?

This is why it's important to find out what names people prefer. In the hospitals I've worked at we had bedside white boards with preferred names on them so we could see at a glance.

I did once make the mistake of calling someone 'Mrs Smith' and she was enraged, saying it made her sound like her mother

I don't really mind. However sAme horse but different color here. I hate being addressed by my surname ie miss insert name here. Even though I am very proud of my name. I just say excuse me it's CLARE and they're fine with that. I dispise dispise and just incase I've not made myself 100% clear I dispise men calling me mate. It mAkes me feel really unfemenine. I recall a few weeks ago I was in a shop and the guy serving me was lovely but he kept on insisting on calling me mate. I politely told him to stop and I introduced myself. God I sound like a right crAnk don't I

I don't like it, I take my Dad to medical appointments and nobody calls me "daughter" at them - they manage to use the word you or sometimes even my first name.

YANBU. I hate it. I find it patronising, and lazy. They usually use the child's mane, so use mine! Or don't, but don't call me Mum because I am not your Mum, (and actually my dcs don't call me Mum either). My mother is in a care home, it is small, and everyone knows her name, but one person still calls her "Mum" when talking to me. SHE IS NOT YOUR MUM.

Er Name, not Mane.

Horrible. Really patronising.

I like to be "Ms. Vixsatis" if my interlocutor is expecting me to address them as "Dr. X" or "Nurse Y" and "firstname" if not

If I'm talking to a HCP, I might say "Excuse me nurse, please can you help me with X?" but only if I needed to grab their attention. Otherwise I would say "Please can you help me with X?".

I wouldn't say "Can nurse help me with X?" while talking directly to the HCP. Because that sounds weird.

If I'm in a business meeting and I didn't know someone's name, I would either make eye contact and say "what do you think?" or I would say "I'm sorry, I don't know your name". I wouldn't say "What does buyer/manager/IT guy think?". Because we don't randomly use roles instead of names in normal life.

The whole way that a lot of people who work with children talk about things, to eachother and parents as well as the kids, drives me mad. Its one if the things that put me off working with kids. But these same people are really good at what they do so I've never had the heart to complain.

Tied, I love that. That is how I would repond in my fantasy life, but in real life I come over all British and cringingly polite while inwardly seething. I agree with pps that it is also the lack of a "your" etc, before the Mum, that makes it sound patronising. Using "Doctor" or "Nurse" is different as that is part of their official title , like calling a police officer "officer". It is polite. But no one calls me "MumVix" in real life.

Applauds icimoi.

I loathe it. It has definitely been used in a number of MAC meetings I have been present at in a deliberately dismissive / patronising way.

The mother has a Psych degree, a Post Grad qualification, a number of child development courses and many years 24/7 parenting experience of her child under her belt and all of these will be part of her contributions in some way,
yet, alone in the room she is referred to as 'mum', not even MrsX.

I have to be honest it is a habit, and one I've learnt being a HCP. Now as a Mum myself when someone calls me Mum I think 'oh yes that's me!'. It's strange being called it now.

The parents of long termers get called by their names as we know them. But I have to admit as turnover is so high in a day we use mum or dad with everyone else.

What would people like to be called? Just by your first name? Mr and Mrs would seem strange and far too formal for a children's ward where all the staff are known by their first names.

It's a bit annoying but not something I would bother challenging, or let myself become enraged by

Pisses me right off.

I either say 'my name's vino', or else (if I'm on the receiving end of some absolute hcp wank), 'that's Mrs Brie please'. I don't even care if I'm bring unreasonable, my children don't even call me 'mum', why would another adult?

What would people like to be called? Just by your first name? Mr and Mrs would seem strange and far too formal for a children's ward where all the staff are known by their first names

Like I've said, you're supposed to ask them what their preferred name is. I'm surprised this isn't the norm everywhere now, it's on all our documentation even. 'Name, preferred name, DOB' etc. It goes hand it hand with the #HelloMyNameIs campaign.