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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

377 replies

bbcessex · 18/03/2015 17:44

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

OP posts:
ISingSoprano · 20/03/2015 15:23

Don't young adults get emotional support from friends anymore? At 20 I would have been speaking to friends, not ringing my mum.

Oh for heaven's sake! Of course he gets support from his friends. That doesn't mean to say he doesn't want/get it from us too! I am pleased that I am still part of ds's support network. so shoot me.

TheWordFactory · 20/03/2015 15:24

I think as parents we need to be present in our DC's live, but I wouldn't make myself available at all times, at the drop of a hat, whether I was working or not.

That seems to me to be one of the great lessons in becoming an adult; you must take the commitments and feelings of others into account. And that includes parents!

TheWordFactory · 20/03/2015 15:25

soprano well of course we're all a part of our DC's support net work, but posters here seem to be saying that this prevents parents (mothers?) from working. That they need to be available 24/7 just in case...

yolofish · 20/03/2015 15:34

No, I think most posters on here are working, whether full or PT? it's not that you have to be available 24/7, especially when they are at uni for example, it's more a case of being available at some times, so if you cant do it right there and then you explain and say but I will be available from xx time. mine understand that...

motherinferior · 20/03/2015 16:01

But the thing is, at this age, that constant need for a physical presence isn't there IMO: and that has knockon benefits for one's work. I can work far, far longer than I could have done without childcare when they were small - I don't have to entertain and occupy them, I can just get on with my own stuff. And I left my two with their father (who is a perfectly competent person) for 16 days last November. I will probably have to do another research trip of about the same length next January. It meant a bit of logistical sorting, that was all. Ten years ago it would have been a nightmare.

Admittedly I don't feel it's necessary to quiz them several times a day about how they're doing....

ISingSoprano · 20/03/2015 16:20

posters here seem to be saying that this prevents parents (mothers?) from working

There are also posters on this thread (and others) who seem to believe that teenagers should be entirely independent of their parents. See some of the threads about applying for higher education. So often the comment is 'they're adults, they should be doing it themselves'. My point is that my children are 16 and 19 and they are still learning to be adults. They are often making big, possibly life changing decisions. I work full time and I believe my children are doing pretty well in the independence stakes but there are still times when parenting and work commitments conflict.

Bonsoir · 20/03/2015 16:21

"That seems to me to be one of the great lessons in becoming an adult; you must take the commitments and feelings of others into account. And that includes parents!"

This is a fair point and I very much agree with it. However, DCs often have very little control over their own agenda and their needs can be pretty urgent much of the time.

Bonsoir · 20/03/2015 16:24

Following on from that: I often wish school would take the commitments and feelings of families into account. In France we certainly often feel that our agendas are dictated by the whims of school...

TheWordFactory · 20/03/2015 16:28

MI that's how it seems to me.

Perhaps having twins made thigs especially hard, but two babies, followed by two toddlers seemed to suck away time/space/energy.

And at primary school they seems no sooner dropped off then needing to be collected again.

Now there are big gaps when they're just not here.

TheWordFactory · 20/03/2015 16:31

Bonsoir I agree with that.

DH sent a very terse email to school recently, explaining why we would not be doing something during the school holidays, as we have booked a trip.

The school replied that they were very disappointed Wink.

ISingSoprano · 20/03/2015 16:31

Of course the other issue is that having reached an age where I have teenage children, I also have ageing parents (or rather 'parent' now Sad). The mix of the two makes for a lot of juggling sometimes.

thatsucks · 20/03/2015 16:33

I don't think anyone's saying that teens should be or are 'totally independent'.

But as a parent it's very easy to over egg your value, importance and requirement in their lives from a certain age.

I think it's important that my three teenagers are independent, confident, self motivated and have privacy and their own lives. I accept I don't know everything about their thoughts or actions.

I talk with them, feed them, love them, listen to them, nag them and tell them off but I do take a big step back now.

I could tell myself they need me for everything they are going through big and small but they really really don't.

TheWordFactory · 20/03/2015 16:35

And I agree that teens have so little control over their lives.

Perhaps that's a reason for the increase in MH problems, especially eating disorders often connected to control issues?

At a time when they seek to forge out alone, school remains so rigid!

motherinferior · 20/03/2015 16:43

I could tell myself they need me for everything they are going through big and small but they really really don't.

Ain't that the truth. And the other thing is that unless teenagers have evolved into a radically different species from the admittedly long ago days when I was one, parents get a severely edited version of what is going on.

I do think it's quite important for other services to be in place as well, like school counselling services.

motherinferior · 20/03/2015 16:45

And actually I do think 19 year olds are adults.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 20/03/2015 16:55

I think 19 is, or should be, an adult too. In fact I think a lot of things would be improved if more people (including 19 year olds) got this!

ISingSoprano · 20/03/2015 16:56

And actually I do think 19 year olds are adults

Yes, but very inexperienced adults, often living away from home for the first time, often embarking on their first serious relationship, often making big decisions about jobs... I am under no illusion that I am becoming more peripheral in my children's lives but I am pleased they still see me as a source of help and advice.

outtolunchagain · 20/03/2015 16:57

Well I'm nearly 50 but sometimes I still ring my dad for a bit on support and to talk things throughBlush

TheWordFactory · 20/03/2015 17:00

Yes, I still regularly run things past my Mum. She is hugely supportive.

But I don't expect her to be available to me. If she's in for a chat, she's in. If not...

Bonsoir · 20/03/2015 17:02

DSS1 has been choosing his 3rd year university options. He has clearly talked his choices through with tutors/students galore but still likes to have a conversation with DP about it.

yolofish · 20/03/2015 17:03

ISing - aint that the truth, about having to cope with ageing parents at the same time as teenagers getting ready to fly the nest.

as I said, I would love to get an out of home job, whether PT or FT, but at the moment maintaining the status quo by working from home (although not as much as I would like) is what seems to work best for us at the moment...

mariamin · 20/03/2015 17:05

My parents knew nothing about universities. I talked to teachers and friends to get help with that.
We all need support. But part of learning to be an adult is that others can provide that support apart from your parents.

yolofish · 20/03/2015 17:07

I'm not sure that a 19 year old is really an adult, not in the way that you are supposed to be an adult at say 53... (how can I be 53??? shit, am I meant to be a grown up now?) I think that at every stage of life, assuming you have healthy relationships with your family, whether as parent or child, going back to those people who supported you from the early days is a good thing? we dont all have to do everything all on our own...

mariamin · 20/03/2015 17:09

Of course a 19 year old is an adult.

outtolunchagain · 20/03/2015 17:13

I think who you talk to comes down to who you trust , even now I might talk to Friend about a problem but I am much more likely to speak to family ( except my DM but that's another story).

I don't get this obsession with ceasing to rely on family as soon as you pass 18 ,of course you are increasingly independent , but I hope my children will always know that I am there for them , I won't solve their problems for them but I am always happy to be a sounding board and I will always support them in being who they want to be.