AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

[bbcessex]

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

I suppose it depends how you define adult really. Yes, my 18 yo DD is an adult officially, so she has the potential to make life-changing decisions, whether right or wrong. would I expect her to make those decisions alone? no. talk them through with her friends and/or family - yes. If I was about to make a life changing decision, right this minute, aged 53, you can bet your life I wouldnt make it alone, I would explore as many options and opinions as I felt were right and necessary and potentially useful.

Mariamin... how old are your children? Sorry if I missed up thread. The reason I ask is that someone so resolute that a 19 is an adult and should be turning to friends rather than parents for support, strikes me as being a rather hard approach to parenting a teen. Might work for you, but sounds utterly unappealing to me... from the perspective of both parent and 19 year old

This is getting disconcertingly like the conversations I had with Indian relatives/family friends when I was 18 about arranged marriages. "But we know our children best! Who's in a better position to choose than someone who loves you like we do? Young people aren't properly grown up yet..."

...and I squirmed inside and thought "you don't know the half of it".

I am not saying that teens and adults should not turn to their family for support, although it depends on the family. But they should also be relying on others for support as well.

ah no motherinferior! not in the least like telling them we know best! more of a 'ok, I see what you're saying, it makes sense, but have you thought about x and y or z? and if you have and you've discounted it, ok fair enough'.

maria I agree.

If lesson one of becoming an adult is learning that others have commitments and feelings of their own, lesson two is that there are many sources of information and support outside your nuclear family.

Young adults who fail to learn these lessons remain dependent upon their parents for too long. Which is hard work for the parent (although some like it) and disasterous for the child.

I am not saying that teens and adults should not turn to their family for support, although it depends on the family. But they should also be relying on others for support as well.

I haven't seen anyone here disagreeing with that.

The point of this thread is the conflict between working full time and juggling the needs of teenage children. I do work full time but have had all the following to factor into my working weeks recently:

1. Orthodontist appointment - timing of appointments, location of dd's school and the orthodontist and access to public transport (or lack of) mean she can only get there if I take her

1. Two music exams - ditto above

1. University taster day - timing of the day, location and access to public transport from where we live mean that I have to partly help facilitate.

1. My recently bereaved mother needs hospital outpatient appointment. She is scared and asks me to go with her.

All of the above are taking place over three weeks and all during 'normal working hours'. Dh frequently works away so most of this falls to me.

DD is soon to be 17 and she and I are both eager that she learns to drive as soon as possible - hang the expense!

I work. And have done from the time each of my children were 10 weeks old. I barely know anyone with teenagers who doesn't. Most of us just choose not to work fulltime away from the house. My friends include project managers, writers, office managers, PRs, journalists. Where we live there is no public transport so until they can drive, teenagers need lifts. As mine have flown across Europe unaccompanied and unsupervised from the age of 13, I'm confident they have not been mollycoddled.

They probably could manage if I spent more time away from the house, but I'm not sure I could cope with emergency dashes from work to the school (75 miles) or hospital or very complicated transport arrangements when they stay late for activities. Working part-time, sometimes fulltime, depending on projects, from home gives me some slack.

My four seem to have reached maturity at different stages. As long as they get there it doesn't matter how it happens, at what point or who they ask for advice along the way.

Blimey, I'm still growing up. Have loads of nuts ideas. Am an expert at getting on the wrong blasted train. I didn't even have my bug-out bag at age 19, but I'm all set now.

Wouldn't it be brilliant to time travel and meet your 19 year old self?

ISing I told my son that he would have to live in a cardboard box next to school if he didn't learn to drive by a certain date as I was getting so shattered taking him to places if he missed the school bus because of activities/hospital appointments/social life. The day he passed was a golden one for me. It has made my life much easier.

well as an aside.. I'm going to open the wine early this evening to celebrate the 'A' I've just got in my French Controlled Assessment... well done me .. well - it feels like I got it, the amount of effort I put in.. What? too involved, moi? ?

I have had a weight lifted this week because of this thread.. haven't Mumsnetted so much for years...

One thing that stands out for me on this thread is how few people live near good public transport. It's crap isn't it? Public transport enables teenagers (and all non-drivers) to be much more independent and self-sufficient. We need more of it!

Sorry cross-posted with bbcessex. Glad you found it useful. I've also found it fascinating. Enjoy your

thanks BlueJelly - cheers

More buses would be lovely. Or they could re-open the railway line shut in the 1970's (in my dreams). Or a proper track instead of the narrow pavement & dicing with death arrangement due to quarry lorries.

I have regular genuine dreams about a chauffeur driven car.

Tres bien bbcessex Some parents go to any length....

oops - it missed out the caption -

'Parents Go to Incredible lengths in India to help their children cheat in exams'.

Thank you OP for saying what I've been thinking for a while. Yes, it's difficult to work with little kids, but at least you have more control with them.
Teenagers need you to be around, even if they don't always want you.

Two of mine developed severe Tourette's syndrome, out of the blue, when they became adolescents. It's been a god-send me not working and being able to be there for them. Some of the angst is normal teenage stuff,some is coloured by Tourette syndrome.

But that's not appreciated in wider society- I'm still asked when I'm going back to work. I worked when the kids were little.

Other people don't seem to understand that I couldn't cope with a stressful day job, followed by a stressful Tourettes evening.

I know my experience is unusual, but sometimes I get down, feeling that I don't contribute enough to society. The reality is I am doing all I can. My being around is keeping our family together and (mostly) happy.

But it must be better not to have to feed three people, put on three pairs of pants, three sets of teeth to clean, six shoes to put on, three coats to wrestle, thre bags to pack, three extra seatbelts to fasten three handovers all before you get to work, then reverse in the evening? Surely? Surely? [grasps straws / prays]

In my experience you're still reminding them what to take to school - especially if it's a one off. Keeping on top of homework - especially exam assignments. Keeping some account of their internet use. Keeping lines of communication open.
It just changes, and there's less control, so you need to be alert to their needs, whilst helping them become independent. Teenagers are good fun, but intense.

you remind the three people to eat, to get dressed in a timely fashion, to clean their teeth, to put on their shoes, to find their coats, to remember their bags....

The morning routine doesn't necessarily get any easier. I certainly don't remember my two when they were toddlers being so fucking grumpy (and so picky about breakfast)

Wish I could like your post - that's exactly right. My 16 yr old DD didn't even brush her teeth yesterday morning. 'Not enough time'. But enough time to straighten hair, roll up her skirt and put on make up.

i would LOVE the time in the morning to straighten my hair, roll up my skirt and put on make up...

Ugh. I suspected this was the case but this has confirmed it. And there I was considering reducing hours after dc2 arrives this year. Thanks for (inadvertently perhaps)giving us toddler mums a warning that the hardest part is yet to come!

my dc is in year 12 and I havent been working for the last year because of a variety of issues with dc but also only having one dc it seems unfair to take on a job of working from 8 - 6 with hour commute either side when partner is in the same boat and travels alot for work.
Year 12 is a crucial year, school references, AS grades, applying for competitive course at competitive university means that no balls can afford to be dropped. Extra curricular interests can sometimes be rather time heavy and in the middle of nowhere, hence it helps to be given a lift.
Does dc appreciate it, No not at all !