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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 18/03/2015 18:51

My apologies Sunny - I see the thread moved on in a slightly unfortunate way.

SuburbanRhonda · 18/03/2015 18:51

Or take the wifi box to work with you.

lem73 · 18/03/2015 18:54

Suburban that's a great idea. I'm going to do that.

Hakluyt · 18/03/2015 18:54

Healthy teenagers do not "start to feel ill" and not be able to go to school one day a week every week. So either he is lying or has a medical issue. Make a doctor's appointment, make sure there isn't some underlying health issue. Make sure he isn't being bullied. And then it's time for the nuclear option. Stop everything. Money, Internet access, after schools , everything. You really have to stop this before it gets worse.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 18:55

He is up, and usually dressed as well,before I leave. That doesn't stop him sitting down for a few mins, closing his eyes and nodding off. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does he can be late.

He doesn't have a laptop only a pc. He needs that for homework as does his brother so I cant take it away otherwise thry wouldn't be able to start homework til 7pm or later when I get home.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/03/2015 18:57

OP you might want to consider whether it's wise to suggest at the meeting that you can't do any more than you're doing; after all, they usually expect everyone to work together on this kind of thing

How about any of the ideas tabulahrasa and tiggytape suggested upthread? Would any of those be useful ... ?

kilmuir · 18/03/2015 18:58

you sound far too accepting of his bad behaviour

Hakluyt · 18/03/2015 19:00

What time does his brother leave?

tabulahrasa · 18/03/2015 19:01

"There are plenty of teens who bunk school to hang around the park, shops etc. My DS isn't one of them."

Well no, because he can just truant at home instead...so he'll not be caught by a truancy officer, but apart from that, what difference does it make that he's not in a park or shopping centre?

"He doesn't have a laptop only a pc. He needs that for homework as does his brother so I cant take it away otherwise thry wouldn't be able to start homework til 7pm or later when I get home."

Then surely that's part of the price he pays for not going to school?

lem73 · 18/03/2015 19:01

So he's up and dressed by the time you leave but he has occasionally fallen asleep after you leave? Really? And you see him before you leave and he's well and then he calls you at work saying he's too ill and you believe it? Half of the mums of my ds's friends are in your position yet they still manage to make their boys go to school. Why are yours different?

notsolovely · 18/03/2015 19:05

Look, I get that its really difficult. But it is your job to make sure he is getting there. And to be honest if I told mum I wasn't going to school, I would have been told straight. Its not acceptable that he just decides and has no regard for you. Maybe try a different route. Tell him exactly what will happen if this continues. You could be prosecuted, loose you job and income and tell him the exact ramifications of that. Then him after Easter holidays he will be going to a childminder when you leave who will make sure he gets to school on time. I am sure he won't like that. Also discuss at the meeting what they can do to support you. Of the thought of you being prosecuted, losing your job and being escorted to school everyday is not enough for him to buck up. Then you have more problems than just attendance. He is old enough to understand the consequences of his actions.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 19:09

I don't know what makes my DS different....since all your friends can easily do what I cant when they're out 12 hours a day too, maybe you should enlighten me as to precisely what I'm doing wrong? Or not doing that I should be doing? Please do tell me, because its obviously really simple.

Re the pc, my understanding of the pp was I take it away all the time, not just when he's off ) because these absences that are the problem are ones I don't know about before I leave. So how does preventing him and his brother doing their hw help? Other than leave them to fall behind and presumably end up more reluctant to go to school than now...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/03/2015 19:10

OP, I'm sorry but I think you are failing in one of your responsibilities as a parent. There is no reason for him not to go to school if he feels ill.

No reason at all.

So they won't send him home (no surprise there).

What's the worst that will happen? He will spend a day at school feeling unwell. He'll get over it.

He is seriously taking the piss out of you and you are letting him.

ragged · 18/03/2015 19:12

She'll only be prosecuted if she doesn't pay the fine or she doesn't cooperate with 'the authorities' in whatever they suggest. I bet OP's DS is bigger than her, too, hard to truly make a teen do things.

steff13 · 18/03/2015 19:15

You used to take them to a childminder, could you do that for just him? Or hire a babysitter for just the morning to make sure he gets off to school?

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 19:15

It makes no difference where he is, of course. I'm just correcting the assertion he's going to be caught by a truancy officer wandering the streets. He isn't.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 18/03/2015 19:18

"I don't know what makes my DS different....since all your friends can easily do what I cant when they're out 12 hours a day too, maybe you should enlighten me as to precisely what I'm doing wrong?"

That wasn't what I meant at all, you seemed to be saying at least he's not in the park or shopping centre like other teenagers, what I was trying to say is that it's equally as bad.

I don't think starting his homework later will make him fall behind, definitely not as much as missing one day a week from school will...

Like I said earlier, I don't think it is about poor parenting, but you do need to do something differently or he'll carry on missing school.

steff13 · 18/03/2015 19:18

I bet OP's DS is bigger than her, too, hard to truly make a teen do things.

She said he's tiny.

GraysAnalogy · 18/03/2015 19:18

Feel a bit sorry for you here OP because you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. I do think you need to be a lot stricter with him though, I wouldn't have dared stay off like your son has been doing.

I really would go to this meeting, work cannot stop you from going to an important appointment. What about when people need to go to the dentist or doctors? They can't deny every appointment and can't expect people to know weeks or months in advance.

tiggytape · 18/03/2015 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 18/03/2015 19:19

How much time does he spend doing homework in the evenings? 7-9pm is probably long enough. Especially if he keeps on top of it, plans and prioritses and does the bulk of it at the weekend.

My ds is doing gcses and he does about two hours every evening (except Fridays) and that seems to work for him. If he was off sick I would not expect him to be doing school work during the day, so he would not need a computer during the day.

I would take the leads to work with me and switch off the wifi. There are plenty of things you could do OP, to make staying home less appealing.

UsuallyLurking1 · 18/03/2015 19:19

I figured you were on the commute back. It's even more clear now you are not a bad parent from how you have responded above.

Trying to be constructive as to what you could do, first thought was some incentive for getting a run of attendance going but that's never more than a short term solution. is there someone around your family that's as little older than him who could impress on him the importance of this stage of school, I'm sure you are doing it, but someone in further education or a recent leaver in an apprenticeship might be more convincing as to how important it is to maintain progress as you go into this stage of school.

My generation were pretty fortunate in terms of opportunities for school leavers but I know it's an awful lot harder these days.

Im just speculating, but thinking about the possible cause of this (assuming the illnesses arent more of an issue that I'm perhaps giving credit for). I'm a child of divorce and whilst i loved going to see my dad, I did start to resent the fact I didn't get the relaxed weekends at home, that I thought school friends did weekends were always planned stuff or travelling between parents and I'd use that to justify taking days off to myself. Never made things up (and not suggesting DS is) but if it was 50/50 as to whether I was ill I'd definitely lean towards ill.
Usually regretted it and was bored, back then there wasn't anything like as much to entertain us.

Feellikescrooge · 18/03/2015 19:20

Firstly I would take him to the GP to check him out. If he is suffering from fatigue, which falling asleep immediately after getting up might indicate, this can mask more serious issues, depression etc.

Also children will obviously try to exploit a situation, they are teenagers after all!

However this is a serious issue and I would imagine the time of the interview is due to the working hours of the EWO, who work office hours. I had similar problems with dd2 after her father died and I left for work an hour before her. I worked with the school and we sorted out a part time timetable. Eventually she ended up with 10A/A at GCSE and 3A at ALevel. She is now at university.this meeting will be about finding a solution. Good luck!

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 19:23

I can't stop his money or after school activities as he doesn't get pocket money from me, or do anything after school.

I would struggle to find money to pay for childcare, assuming I could find someone to care for him anyway. It's an option if all else fails as I literally have no one to help me. His father is as work, as are friends (or too far away).

In an ideal world my parents would still be alive to help. Or my Ex would have paid CM for the last 7 years and /or not be claiming a chunk of the value of my home, so I'd be better off, could work less and be around more at home. But unfortunately none of that is the case so I just have to try and manage as I can. Which apparently is pretty badly.

OP posts:
Feckeggblue · 18/03/2015 19:24

I always find it strange when teachers are so demanding about parents attendance because their employment is in a school and they won't take leave ever from the school (I don't believe they're allowed most of the time) so surely it's not that hard for them to understand other people do?

How about a before school activity? Swimming? You could drop him
Off. Take the wifi box (or change password daily and text to him at 4pm) take the fuses out the box

On the face of it- I'll be honest- he sounds quite lazy. And teens are! They can sleep anywhere. Sleep is habit forming and doesn't usually indicate a medical need. He should not be falling asleep within an hour of waking up, washing, dressing and breakfasting.

I am not sure I see how a babysitter etc will work- it's not really fair to make them drag him out of bed and force him into school
And why would they put up with it? They'll leave him if he days he's sick too.