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Original poster

to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetspoon · 20/03/2015 09:03

I've not asked him about going in early yet, I plan to ask about that at the meeting (so then I'll know how early he can go in) and discuss it with him then. He has seen the letter from the attendance officer so knows it is a serious meeting. I've asked gently about bullying indirectly, but there doesn't seen to be anything. I will keep asking though, because whilst there may not be anything, if there is he may be reluctant to tell me, make a fuss, etc. So we'll keep talking on that.

I'd not thought about the paracetamol etc not being allowed at secondary school. If it comes to it, and it will get him into school, I'd feel safe to send him in with 1/2 tablets. I know he wouldn't give them to anyone else. But it may be I don't need to. Will see what comes out of the meeting I guess.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 20/03/2015 09:04

I wouldn't mention paracetamol- the school will have to say no. I would tell him that he can keep a couple in his bag in case he needs them- this is what I did with my headache prone dd. I made sure they were always the sort of tablets that have the name printed on, just in case she was ever challenged.

And do try not to give the impression, either to him or to the school that you are expecting him to be ill. It's the norm for young people to be well, and that should be the expectation.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2015 18:48

Did you have the meeting yet?

I was going to suggest that you tell the school that you think his dad ringing up for him is not helping the situation and to request that they only accept sickness calls from you as authorised sickness absence.

I would also say that in my school if a child needs paracetamol, the office has a supply, and will ring a parent first to check it's ok for the child to have them.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2015 18:59

Also, I know you say there is no other solution, but for a child of that age to only see their "close adult" (for want of a better phrase), or indeed any adult apart from teachers, between 7 pm and until he goes to bed each night, is fairly unusual I would have thought. Presumably you are making dinner and doing other household chores for a lot of that time too.

I think I wouldbe trying to forge a close relationship with another family so that your DS feels he has somewhere to go where there is a trusted adult around so that if, for example, he has had a shitty day at school then he has somewhere he can go after school where he may be able to discuss it rather than stew aboutit on his own for a few hours till you get home and then become busy with meal preparation etc.

mellicauli · 20/03/2015 21:28

I really still don't get why you have to be there in person. You can agree an attendance plan over the phone. You can either send a copy by email and the return signed copy by post or print/sign/scan and email back. You don't need to be there for legally binding documents these days, so don't know why the song and dance about a school/home agreement.

Thymeout · 20/03/2015 21:40

You're suggesting a three-way conference call, Melli? At a time convenient to OP? That is also convenient to the teacher and the EWO? Just when would that be?

Bear in mind this meeting may also be part of a process leading to legal action.

redexpat · 20/03/2015 22:22

Ive skimmed this thread and not seen it mentioned so here goes.

How much sleep does he get? Not what time he goes to bed, but how long does it take him to drop off? Teens' bodyclocks arent like adults, so they sometimes struggle to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. So if they go to bed at 10, they wont sleep till 1, then up at 6. If he falls asleep after he has got up that might explain it.

As others have said, is he unhappy or being bullied.

Is he struggling with the work?

When he feels ill, what exactly does that mean? A heavy cold? Headache? Nausia? I read once that people think their performance is affected by feeling ill but actually the difference is minimal.

KatieKaye · 21/03/2015 06:37

I noticed the you said there are times when you have told him he is not ill and to go to school, but your DS goes behind your back and gets his father, who is not there, to agree he can stay off.

This is behaviour you need to tackle. It is deceitful and deliberately going behind your back and against your express instructions.

With the other informations it does look like a pattern of avoidance using illness as an excuse. Added to your older sons similar pattern of avoiding specific lessons it looks as if there are deeper issues to be explored and I hope you all get the support you need.

bruffin · 21/03/2015 07:21

I would take him to school before you go to work. My dc are often in school at 7 /7.30 because we pass school that time before we go to work. The library is open by then and they can get breakfast if they want.
Ds found it quite lucrative as he built up a great relationship with the cafe staff and gave them a hand getting in the food and they would give him free coffees etc

Keep it up until it sinks in that he cant just not go to school, and then let go by himself and if he starts slipping again start taking him in again

Feellikescrooge · 21/03/2015 07:49

I feel it is obvious from this thread that your DS is manipulating the situation between your ex and yourself. You need to make it clear that financial sanctions will be shared. I get the impression that your DS is a little 'slippery' and needs to be sat down and told that you need him to play his part if he expects you to provide the lifestyle he expects.
You do sound a bit "mummy's little soldier" about him, but real life is about just getting on with it and I presume you want him to be more financially viable than his DF? I went through problems with my DD about attendance but to be fair this was after the sudden and unexpected death of her dad. However for her sake I had to be really tough with her, and she is now at uni studying medicine. It was really hard but you do have to be tough, he will thank you later.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/03/2015 13:27

melli, I did explain why schools and education welfare ask parents to come in.

When we invite parents in, it's because we agree the terms of the attendance agreement (not "home-school agreement") in conjunction with the parent. It's not imposed from above. Parents are asked for their contributions to the agreement, based on what they think will help and what is possible for them. It's not like signing the papers for buying a house.

Fairenuff · 21/03/2015 13:54

How about him getting a paper round? That would keep him busy out of the house in the time before school starts and give him a job, some responsibility and something to put on a cv at a later date?

He could be out of the house at the same time as you, OP, deliver the papers and go straight on to school. What do you think?

Original poster
velvetspoon · 23/03/2015 09:23

Meeting is at the end of this week.

On the point about sleep, neither of my DC has ever had formal bedtimes, that's not something I believe in. That said they are expected to switch off internet etc at a certain time. I go to bed around 11. I know recently there have been occasions where they go back on the xbox/ computer after I'm asleep, either because they're still awake or have been asleep and woken back up. I have ordered a new router which I will be able to time limit (our current one is very old and difficult if not impossible to set any restrictions on) which should help.

A paper round probably isn't doable as the nearest newsagents (other than one at the end of our road where the owner delivers papers) is about 2 miles away. I'm a bit reluctant for him to be going that far at 630am, especially because he would struggle to get up that early. I'd rather drop him at school if they open early enough. Will find that out at the meeting.

OP posts:
MarvellousMarbles · 23/03/2015 09:40

What's the issue with having a bedtime, velvet? It seems to me that early teen DC staying up late playing video games and then being too tired to go to school (you mention him 'falling asleep' again after he's got up, and then not going in to school) is a situation that's just crying out for a bedtime!

Hakluyt · 23/03/2015 09:46

Do you not see a possible connection between him not being able to get up in the morning, falling back to sleep after getting up and often not feeing very well and him being awake past 11 o'clock at night?

KatieKaye · 23/03/2015 09:48

Yes, a bedtime and removal of electronic devices after 8pm sounds like it would sort out a lot of his issues.
As well as a conversation about how he has to attend school and not to get his father to phone in because that is disobedient, disrespectful and sly.
He has to demonstrate he is trustworthy. Until then I'm afraid you have to parent as if he is a younger child.

Littlef00t · 23/03/2015 09:49

It sounds like you're addressing the late night gaming with a new router, but wanted to be sure you're aware that the blue screen that comes with technology fools the body into not getting tired at night as the light emitted stops the correct hormones being released.

No tech, incl TV and mobile phones an hour before bed is important.

Mistigri · 23/03/2015 09:49

Velvet my kids are a similar age and don't have formal bedtimes either, but if I found out they'd been on the internet late at night I'd just remove the power supply from the router when I went to bed. I also confiscate power leads to PCs if necessary. Sometimes the simple low-tech solutions are the best.

Hakluyt · 23/03/2015 09:54

We don't have formal bedtimes either. But that is dependent on no hassle in the morning.

tiggytape · 23/03/2015 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 23/03/2015 12:33

They've never had a formal bedtime, it just didn't fit in with the way things were at home when they were younger, and we've always managed ok, they always slept when they were tired. As I never used to get home til 7 or later even when they were small, and then wanted to spend time with them rather than packing them off to bed, we never had regimented times. And generally it's worked.

I'm not going to rigidly impose rules around the time they have to be asleep now because I haven't for the past 16 years. Also, as said it's always been like this, yet only recently (really since the start of the school year, the first when DS2 has been on his own) that there's been any issue with DS2 going to school. I don't think limiting the internet will hurt, but I'm not going to say that a possible lack of sleep is responsible for ALL of it, because they've never had a formal bedtime at any point and we've never had the issues we do now.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/03/2015 13:09

I confess I'm a bit "hmmm" about the very many things which can't be done / aren't possible / wouldn't work / kids wouldn't like, etc, etc, etc

As so many PPs have mentioned, the school will be looking for everyone to join in finding answers; at the moment it's hard to avoid thinking their frustration is perhaps understandable ...

Hakluyt · 23/03/2015 13:14

I do think that's an odd response.

Just because not getting enough sleep hasn't affected him in the past there's no reason why it can't be doing now. And he isn't doing his part of the deal- ie getting himself to school in the morning- so it seems entirely reasonable for you to "impose a bedtime" until he starts.

Lancelottie · 23/03/2015 13:19

He's often ill, or saying he's ill. Has that also 'always been like this'?

That's not going to be helped by a lack of sleep. DS's doctor tells us that good sleeping habits are vastly under-estimated as a factor in children's health and mental well-being.

Lancelottie · 23/03/2015 13:20

(Not that she had any great suggestions about how to make it so, mind you...)

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