to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

[velvetspoon]

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP - you said earlier that you don't think your son is happy at school but you don't know why.

Might be an idea to find out?

I'm guessing the meeting cannot take place over the phone as it has now reached a serious stage with such poor attendance that a face to face meeting is the best way to discuss the problems DS's unwillingness to attend school is causing.

Velvet, you do sound very, very protective of your DS and allow him to skive off school whenever he decides. Do you tell the school he is ill, when you know he was fine just an hour beforehand? Do you really believe that he can become so ill in the space of an hour that it warrants him staying at home?

there does seem to be a pattern with both of your sons "missing" lessons for no good reason. Why was your older DS skipping lessons so that he's been put in special measures? from what you have posted, neither of your sons seem to place any value on education.

Also, your younger son never goes out at all or does any sort of activity outside the house? He never sees any friends unless he's at school? that sounds as if he is very isolated from his peer group.

You've mentioned he is very small a couple of times - does that worry you and make you more concerned than if he was of average height because it does sound as if you are molly coddling him a bit. He's 14 and if he doesn't make a bit of an effort he's going to be leaving school in a couple of years with a habit of just not turning up when he doesn't feel like it.

OP - what time does he go to bed? I've had pupils fall asleep in lessons. When I investigated, their parent had gone to bed early, leaving them up watching DVD's. This was routine. Might explain why he's tired enough to fall asleep again fully clothed?

Re difficulty of scheduling a 3 way meeting. EWO's have a full diary. They try to cut down travel time between schools. They may have more than one meeting at Op's son's school, which obviously they will try to book consecutively so that they spend 2 or 3 hours there, before travelling to another school. Once the EWO is involved, it's more than an informal chat. It's all documented and accounted for. Or at least that's how it used to work.

And both the teacher and the EWO may also be single parents unable to attend out of hours meetings.

I do sympathise because you sound worn out, but you have to be more pro-active about solving this problem or it will get much bigger. It does sound as if you didn't think it was that serious and have let things slide, which perhaps explains what you describe as the 'snippy' reply from the school.

Ds1 is getting extra support from school with organising his time as are quite a few other sixth formers, he's not the only one. Some were just turning up to lessons without homework and unprepared, whereas DS was missing some lessons if he'd not completed the work he needed to, and working on it in the library in lesson time. Clearly that was a pretty poor use of his time but he has acknowledged this and is working with his tutor. I don't think needing extra help means he's a failure. His teachers feel if he can organise his time better he's more than capable of getting into university.

DS2 isn't behind on work, so if there is something behind him not wanting to go to school beyond feeling ill etc, that isn't it.

Sometimes when he gets up in the morning he'll say he feels ill. Headache, sick, whatever it might be. Sometimes he'll genuinely look ill or have a temperature. Others he may have been up in the night being sick, or coughing etc.

If I know he's properly unwell (the third category) then he's stayed off. That's been perhaps 7 or 8 days at most. The looking/ seeming unwell...if then I speak to him later and he sounds worse, or says he's worse, I've given the benefit of the doubt and phoned school to say he's ill. That's probably been a couple of times since Sept. Of the other group, where he says he's not feeling great, seems ok ish when I leave but then says he feels too ill to go in, those I do tell him to go in, and that I won't phone up for him. Some of those times he hasn't gone in. On others it is possible he's got his father to phone in for him. I don't speak to his father so I can't say for certain if he has or not.

I don't mollycoddle him. Quite the opposite in fact. I've never played the bullying card. Like I said I don't think he's being bullied but its a fact he's very small in stature. As to out of school activities he's not interested in sports. His main interest is in computers, especially programming. He chats to friends online regularly and meets up with some schoolfriends in the holidays but that's enough for him. He has lots of friends at school and from his old school but as I said is quite an introvert and likes his own company or being with me and his brother.

I think you need to ask him how he feels at school. I used to truant a bit because a lot of lessons had quite disruptive children in and the teaching wasn't great in some classes and generally going to lessons was pointless. I used to study at home or in the library.

To the people who are asking why it can't be done over the phone or could you call in during your lunch hour-
This is a serious situation. It won't be just a quick chat with the head. There'll be an attendance officer there, probably from county as well as a range of school staff. These meetings are the first on the road to court action against parents and are significant. You need to go.

Have you had a reply from the school yet rescheduling the appt? When is it going to be?

those I do tell him to go in, and that I won't phone up for him. Some of those times he hasn't gone in. On others it is possible he's got his father to phone in for him. I don't speak to his father so I can't say for certain if he has or not.

What you are saying at the moment is that you tell him to go to school but he ignores that and gets his dad to phone him in sick, you don't know how many times that has happened and that it's got nothing to do with you.

But you could check with the school. You could ask the school to phone you every time he doesn't turn up. Then you would know that his father has called in for him because if it wasn't you, it had to be him.

YANBU

Schools and hospitals always think that people can do things at the drop of a hat. Funnily enough the people who work in these professions are the ones that can't usually take time of themselves easily but expect others to and also they expect you to be constantly on the end of the phone but I'm sure would find it hard to take mobile calls themselves at work.

The school are supposed to phone every time he doesn't turn up. However as I said upthread this doesn't always happen, that's not always because on those times his father has phoned, sometimes the school just don't notify me. Or have called me at home or on the wrong number. I've given them my contact details many times so I know they should have the correct information.

And I'm not saying it's nothing to do with me. I do not speak to their father for good reason. I have no control or influence over what he does and do not and will not discuss anything with him. Unfortunately that's how it is.

The meeting has been rearranged for 9am next week which was the earliest slot possible. There's not a range of staff attending though,as has been suggested, just the local attendance officer and one teacher who DS thinks is his deputy head of year.

Velvet - this is completely off at a tangent, but is there a possibility your DS might have coeliac disease? 1% of the population do, but only a quarter of them have been diagnosed, so there are a lot of coeliacs walking around undiagnosed.

What made me think of it was you mentioning your son's very small stature. That can be a coeliac symptom due to malabsorption. Other symptoms can include tummy problems (pain/bloating/diarrhoea/constipation/wind), lethargy, depression, general 'unwellness'. You don't need to have all these symptoms, or indeed any of them to be coeliac, but they are an indication. Also, since coeliac is an auto-immune disease, it's basically the immune system over-reacting, and than can also cause an overreaction to minor illnesses (so a cold/throat infection etc. can cause more 'illness' symptoms like temperature etc. and make the person feel worse than it would to someone else)

If you think that's at all a possibility, it's worth asking your GP for a blood test - it is a very simple procedure.

Just a thought.

Thats good OP, that it has managed to be rescheduled for a better time and a bit more notice.

Hope the meeting goes well OP, I know you haven't played the bullying card but the head injury when bigger boys of over 6 foot 'fell' on him in the corridor sounds like bullying, even if he would be unwilling to describe/see it as that. As another PP said, he may be more vulnerable now that his older brother is no longer there, as a potential protector or just talisman.

It all sounds very stressful and hard work for you. Hope the meeting goes well.

If I had read this when my DDs were tiny I would have thought "well who is the parent .... just make him go" etc etc.

But as a parent of teens the same age as your son I now appreciate that things aren't always black and white with teens, lots of grey!! My DD2 has issues with school, she gets very anxious about sickness and illness, doesn't like to be around anyone who feels unwell, and there has been a lot of illness at her school. It has been a struggle some days to get her to go in and I can't physically drag her there.

I've tried everything - being understanding, sympathetic, angry, talking it all through with her, confiscating gadgets, grounding ......

Best of luck.

And I know it's practically impossible really difficult, but is there anything you could do so that he isn't on his own at home so much? 7 til 8 is a very long time. Could he go home with a friend one day a week? And have a friend over another day? Or go to an after school activity?

Who do you think is most to blame for the situation or is it something to be shared out?

What do you think the party who is to blame should do?

What would be your ideal outcome from the meeting?

wow, trail by Mumsnet

OP, not even read thread but wishing you the best, amongst the judgements there will be some support and good advice I hope

Nooo - try to put the idea of 'blame' out of your head. Both sides will get defensive if it's 'If you were a better school, he'd want to come' and 'If you were a better mum, you'd be able to get him here.' Bad atmosphere, no solution.

(And I wouldn't bring up the head injury on this occasion, either. It's nothing to do with the EWO.)

You're looking for why he does it and how to stop him doing it. And a course of action, written down, with a time-limit for review.

They'll have suggestions based on previous experience with other pupils. Try not to be negative. Think carefully. Could they work for you, too?

Good luck! It happens more often than you'd think.

I wouldn't be looking at blame either...just go in taking it seriously and discuss possible solutions and hopefully between you and the EWO you'll be able to come up with something that might be helpful.

You don't want him missing school, they don't want him missing school, so it's a case of working together to try and stop that happening.

But it is reasonable to look at why something is going wrong and usually it is because of a person or group?

It can be useful to identify who or what and then why, even if it stays within your own head. When that's done, one can address what needs to be done differently in order to ameliorate the situation.

I'm not suggesting going in guns blazing at anyone, especially as there are probably degrees of blame in several parties.

Blame isn't a dirty word but if it is a sensitive one, then replace it with responsibility.

Who is responsible for this situation and what can they do about it?

Totally agree that the important thing is to find solutions rather than throwing blame around - after all that's mostly what everyone's been doing on here

It's also why I keep asking OP what she's going to contribute as a way of resolving this ...

P.S.

I was a single parent of teenagers, and a teacher. One afternoon, the office told me my 15 yr old son's school had rung to say he was 'missing'.

I was teaching, I couldn't just drop everything and leave. I was allowed time to ring back and discovered he hadn't been seen since afternoon registration. Soft-hearted mother that I was, I asked the HoY whether they'd checked the toilets, perhaps he was ill... I could almost see the raised eyebrow at this suggestion.

At the end of the afternoon, I raced home - 40 mins drive, to find son calmly making himself a snack in the kitchen. And where had he been? Down the open-air Lido, sunning himself with the bad boys.

It happens to us all.

I don't think he has coeliac disease, his father was also v short as a child (under 5ft when he left secondary school, he then grew to 5ft 7 by late teens) but it can't hurt to ask for him to be tested.

I'm not intending to go in and throw blame around. Equally I'm not going to adopt a mea culpa attitude and say it's all my fault. Ultimately I don't know what the solution is, at least in part because i don't know why he isn't always going to school.

I will be asking that they allow him as a minimum a quiet place to sit if he feels ill, and to take paracetamol/ ibuprofen as appropriate, and that they advise me when this happens. I am hoping this will overcome at least some of his reluctance if it is based on fear of being stuck on class feeling ill etc.

If there is something else behind it like bullying, I doubt the school will know about it. He never says anyone has hurt him, or upset him. I can only keep gently asking and see if he discloses anything.

I am hoping the school will have some strategies to suggest, which are more practical than me dropping him at school at 830, which simply isn't workable. I am happy to do what i can, and send him in early if the school is open early etc, but I do have to get to work, and I can't change my hours. I also really can't afford to pay for help so again i can't agree that as an option.

There's not much I can do about the time he's on his own. It's not 7 til 8 on school days, its more like 730 til he leaves for school, and then about 310 til 4ish when his brother gets back, and then I'm home anytime from 630-8, normally around 7. He is on his own now immediately before and after school which he's not used to, i do accept he might find that hard. In the holidays they are at home for the whole day on their own. Again, absent any family help and given that I have to work, that's just something they've had to get used to.

Okay, sounds like a good approach, OP. Good luck! Can I ask, have you spoken to him about any of the suggestions on this thread at all? Eg being taken to school early/staying over with friends during the week/bullying/you potentially being prosecuted? What did he say?

I will be asking that they allow him as a minimum a quiet place to sit if he feels ill, and to take paracetamol/ ibuprofen as appropriate, and that they advise me when this happens.

I think a quiet place to sit for half an hour or so would be a good idea. Most schools do usually have a quiet learning support room which is staffed and he would be able to quietly get on with his work.

I don't think they will allow him to have paracetamol type medication. They won't supply it and he won't be allowed it in school but he could have one or two at the bottom of his bag for emergencies, as long as the school aren't aware of it.

He shouldn't really but if you think you can trust him to keep it to himself, it might help him. (My dd used to take calpol fastmelts to help with period pain because she could take it discretely at break time without needing a drink with it).