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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:
spanieleyes · 18/03/2015 21:20

Do the school phone you to let you know if your DS is not in school? Are you aware how often he has been absent-there seems to be a disparity between the times you have mentioned and the 85% figure you have quoted-perhaps he is absent from school more than you realise , he seems to stay at home whenever he feels like it because there is no reason not to! My son's school had a call back system, if a child was absent and the parent hadn't phoned in to say why, the school would contact the parent to ascertain the reason. That way an irate phone call home was in order!!

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 21:21

It was a GP at our surgery who said he had mild concussion. His father took him as he was due to see him that day after school anyway (and managed to get an emergency appt) I probably wouldn't have been able to leave early but on that day his father could have come to collect him before the end of school.

Pod, I think he may be missing his brother, DS1 was very well-known/ popular at school, I think being his brother gave DS2 a certain amount of kudos. He is also alone now in the mornings and afternoons which he never has been prior to last Sept. I'd not thought about that, stupid of me.

OP posts:
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 21:34

The school phone me sometimes when he's not in. At other times they phone his father, so I may or may not hear about it. They've also called me at least once to tell me he's absent when I'd already phoned in that day to say he was ill and wouldn't be in.

As for my financial position, childcare locally is £6-10 per hour. I don't have a spare £50 a week, not with a mortgage to pay, other high outgoings and receiving no money from my DSs father. Looking for another job really isn't an option, in my field I'm lucky not to have been made redundant already. Hence my reluctance to drop everything to take a day off for this meeting...

OP posts:
pod78 · 18/03/2015 21:37

Not stupid at all velvet! I would guess he quite an independent and otherwise responsible little soul from everything you've said and as someone else said he goes in 85% of the time knowing he could really could take the whole time off if he wanted - but with all that maybe he does keep things to himself a bit? Perhaps he needs some extra mummy and son time if that is at all possible.

And its difficult with his friends living far away - sorry I missed that in your earlier post. Could he have a mid week sleep over at a friends maybe? But it all depends on what he likes - I got quite introverted and hated being away from home at around that age... but I grew up to be very social!!

And with his big brother having been really popular I imagine it has changed the school dynamic quite significantly. And its possible some lowlife bullies have decided to take advantage of that fact?

Icimoi · 18/03/2015 21:38

Why isn't his father paying anything? Aren't the CSA dealing with him?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/03/2015 21:40

This is a complete vicious circle. He is staying home for feeling mildly ill as a direct result of staying off too often for being mildly ill. It's your son's responsibility to break out of it - only he can do it and improve his attendance to such an extent that they WILL trust him again that he is being genuine when he says he's ill. You wouldn't believe the amount of kids that try it on all the time in secondary schools. How are staff supposed to weed through the queue of malingerers, wimps and whingers to sort out the genuine cases? What they do is check their medical file to see if there is any long-standing medical conditions, liaise with head of year to see if there are any pastoral issues and if neither of these seem to explain the increased absences then it is just assumed that they are swinging the lead and the illnesses are not genuine. Or at least not serious enough to stay off for.

It is relatively easy for experienced staff to spot when teenagers are exaggerating or feigning their illness. They usually know the kids fairly well. Someone who is never off and has a good behaviour record will always be believed without much questioning. This is what your son needs to do. SHOW them that he can be trusted to only stay off when he is genuinely ill. The only way to do that is to improve his attendance.

As the adult you're going to have to get him up before you leave. If he says he has a cold, then that's the point where you say to him "it's just a cold. Here's some paracetamol." Sit and watch telly till it's time to leave, it will have kicked in by then and you'll find you'll feel a bit better." At a push give him a note for PE so he doesn't have to run round a cold field feeling grotty.

The school should be phoning you when he doesn't turn up for registration, so when they do, you can say "he said he had a cold this morning and told him I wanted him in school. He doesn't have my permission to be off and is truanting, please mark him down as such." Don't take the attitude when they ring you "well, what can I do? If he says he is ill and doesn't come in then there's not a lot I can do as I'm not there." You will come across as too laissez-faire. You need to be asking the school's advice and asking how you can help your son, with their support, to improve his absence levels.

Re: the meeting, I would ring the school and explain your predicament. See what they say. Tell them you will speak to your employer and see if something can be arranged to enable you to attend, and get back to them immediately. If they see you are taking it seriously and doing your very best to be there, it will help school to realise what a supportive parent you are, despite your difficult work circumstances.

Of course, this is assuming that there are no pastoral issues or real medical issues goinng on. You need to sit down with your son and say he needs to be very open about what his issues are with school as improving his attendance is non-negotiable. Tell him that will be more easily achieved, and with least stress, if both you and school are aware of any problems that he may be reluctant to tell you. Also tell him that you are taking him to the GP to get a check up as lots of little colds etc is not normal in someone his age. Make the appointment and take him. You never know what it might throw up. School will see that you mean business about trying to get the attendance problem sorted.

Youcan do this, OP, but you have to mean business, to not take a hands-off approach because you are not at home in the mornings, and to fully engage with the school to show them that you acknowledge there is a problem and that you personally want his attendance improved.

At my school in a similar situation they actually paid for a taxi for a number of weeks until the pupil was back into the habit of getting up and out of the house on time each day. It was a success story. It was a possible solution that was suggested by the school when they saw how badly the parent wanted the child to attend on time, but felt she was struggling in getting Her child to do it.

Do your best to attend the meeting and to demonstrate that you want this sorting ASAP.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 18/03/2015 21:41

Oh OK, thanks for clarifying re your DS1. Could DS1 shed any light on DS2's behaviour for you? Or could he encourage DS2 to go to school? The bit about DS2 being very small for his age does make me wonder re bullying - have you asked him if anything like that is going on?

Dr0pThePirate · 18/03/2015 21:42

Velvet

I think you need to sit down with your son and be honest with him about how his attendance and the schools reaction to it are affecting you.

Let him know how hard you're finding it to defend him. How much grief it is causing and the toll on your health.

This might seem harsh but if he's just taking time off because he feels like it then maybe hearing how badly it's affecting his mum will make him see how important going to school is.

Of course you need to rule out illness and bullying but this could be a starting point for you and your son to have a real "cards on the table" talk about this whole mess.

Illness - go to see the GP

Bullying - make the school work to improve your son's welfare.

I do think he needs to be made aware of the seriousness of this situation though.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/03/2015 21:43

The reason school will sometimes ring YOU to say he isn't in despite you ringing them earlier is because it isn't unheard of for pupils to get older friends/cousins to ring in for them pretending to be their parent. I can't imagine anyone being brazen enough to try that but they do!

lem73 · 18/03/2015 21:44

I remember when ds1 was in year 8 he was really unhappy at school. We realised just how much when we saw in the computer search history that he had been looking for 'how do I give myself a fever'. I can imagine that if he'd been in your son's situation, with no one around in the morning, he'd have possibly been skipping school. You need to have a long talk with him and try to find out what is going on at school. It took ages for ds1 to admit that he was unhappy and why. Boys don't easily admit weakness. It will take a lot of effort for you to know what is going on in his head. I wish you and him luck in sorting this out.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/03/2015 21:46

Velvet I don't think you said what sanctions you'd used before? You mentioned there were some in place but not what they were ... ?

I'm also still trying to get a handle on what you said about your older son; you said earlier that he was "missing days" but later that he was "physically there" but "catching up" in the library, etc. Not sure how that equates with missing days, unless there's some refusal to go into class there too?

SuburbanRhonda · 18/03/2015 21:48

curly, the school laid on a taxi for a child to be brought into school for several weeks? Shock

Round here, that would be on average £15 a day for a return trip because you have to use DBS-registered drivers. No way would our school budget stretch to that - even for a week!

And we could never justify it to the parent community without offering it to every child going through a difficult patch.

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 21:50

He's much more of an introvert than DS1. That said he has lots of friends he chats to on Xbox etc, including his old primary school friends.

I do worry about bullying because he's so little for his age and good at stuff like food tech and drama (which at my school back in the 80s boys would have been bullied for) but he says he's fine. He's come home before and girls in his class have written/ drawn all over his arms Confused but he didn't seem upset by it or to mind really.

His father...that's for another thread, but his on paper income is so tiny I wouldn't get anything via CSA. I probably should have pursued it for a de minimis amount but thought I'd let it go as he does give the DSs money directly sometimes, which I know would stop if CSA became involved. I also thought it might make him more amenable to me buying him out of our house, but I got that one wrong!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/03/2015 21:55

Yes I would like to know more about your older son. It doesn't actually make sense that the school will keep him out of lessons "to catch up" because what about those lessons he's then missing to do it?! He'll get behind in those too, and then, vicious circle again! Unless he's only missing things like "general studies" lessons?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/03/2015 21:59

Suburban: yep. Im pretty sure it was funded by pupil premium money though, which from the sound of it wouldn't be the case for the OP. But the school may come up with another plan or strategy which works equally well. OP is in a hard situation. Trying to do her best for her kids by working those long hours but clearly, it's causing stress and complications for everyone. I really feel for single parents who work full time and don't have reliable family support around them. It's so difficult.

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 22:02

DS1s school bases attendance on being in every lesson as there is no morning / afternoon registration for sixth form so if he skips any lesson - he gets marked absent for the day. He was at school but as he missed some lessons each counted as an entire days absence. Hope that explains it more clearly.

Sanctions, he loses time online or xbox completely, and I give him extra jobs to do at home. He doesn't get pocket money so I can't stop that, and never goes out after school or weekends.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/03/2015 22:03

Oh, and Suburban, It was just the morning pick up. 10 min journey. The school already has an arrangement with the taxi firm for pupil travel for other things.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/03/2015 22:07

I wish schools would not use this method of recording absence for one lesson as absence for the day. Or lateness in the morning as being absent for the day. Where is the incentive to actually turn up to school at all if they are late, if they know they're only going to get a whole day's absence mark anyway. I don't blame them for looking at the time as they're approaching school (late) and thinking "ah fuck it, I've missed the cut off, I may as well go home."

TheFallenMadonna · 18/03/2015 22:10

So he has been absent only for 7 days, and late all the other days?

Cherriesandapples · 18/03/2015 22:13

He has missed 5 and a half weeks then. That is quite a lot and according to the leaflet that got sent home from our school has a "significant impact on learning" and "you are at risk of prosecution". Basically in my county anything under 90% or 5 days of unauthorised absences then this will trigger prosecution. I am not saying I agree that that but I guess that is why they are calling you in. Having said that a mid week midday appointment is totally unfair on you and your working circumstances.

mellicauli · 18/03/2015 22:15

I don't see why this meeting can't take place over the phone. Could you suggest you call in during your lunch hour?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/03/2015 22:17

I take your point Curly - but surely by 6th form they should be capable of attending every session if that's what's required? After all they can't just decide to "miss a bit" once they're at work

It's the "missing things" issue I'm thinking about more than the registrations to be honest, since I'm wondering if there's some sort of pattern here ...

SuburbanRhonda · 18/03/2015 22:20

Yes, I read something on the internet about pupil premium being used in this way for a student who lived on the other side of town to his school. There was no bus that would get him to school on time so he was missing half his maths lessons.

However, the student in that case was highly motivated and the taxi enabled him to attend his maths lessons and increase his attainment, essential for using pupil premium in this way, or any way for that matter.

SuburbanRhonda · 18/03/2015 22:22

meli, I explained upthread why the meeting probably can't take place over the phone.

If the meeting is to draw up an attendance agreement, the OP has to be there to agree to it and sign it.

SuburbanRhonda · 18/03/2015 22:24

If a student is of the mindset whereby they think "ah fuck it, I've missed the cut off, I may as well go home.", the problem is not with the school's attendance coding system, it's with the student with a poor attitude to their education.

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