to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

[velvetspoon]

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

That's a good point Charlie. He was made to school and lived to tell the tale so clearly the school know what they're doing.

Velvet - I don't think you're doing a bad job, I think having teenagers is like trying to herd cats, cats with attitude.

It's often gruelling and thankless and I find it in many ways harder than when they were small and there's no nursery you can put them and very few people share their nightmare teen stories in RL the way they do with small children, because it's somehow a reflection on them...except it's not, it's just what teenagers can be like.

So it's not at all that I think you've been doing it all wrong, just that it's clearly not working, so you do need to try something. Either something practical that will get him to school or find the right threat, punishment or even bribe to get him there.

I used to work at a primary school and there were always kids who would try to pretend they were sick.

Not sure if the school opens early, or at what time. I don't think so, but I'll ask at the meeting.

OP there won't be an automatic ban on him sitting out or going home if he's genuinely ill; since no school wants cross-infection/lawsuits it seems clear that they don't believe him and think (probably with good reason) that he just wants more time off

How about the idea several have suggested about taking him to a friend's house and him going into school with them ... ?

Sorry, been off eating dinner and missed your comment about truancy patrol.

They don't trawl the streets looking for children of school age, at least not in our LA. What they do is send an email to the schools in their area, telling them the date of the truancy patrol (random days, approximately every three weeks) and asking the schools to tell them, on that day, which children are not in school and haven't phoned in to give a reason.

They then go round to the family home and knock on the door to find out why the child isn't in school.

Obviously this won't work for you if (a) you've told him not to answer the door and (b) you phone and tell the school to say he's unwell.

If the school is so close by, is there not another parent nearby who might be able to help out? Or even a neighbour you're friendly with? Someone who could assess whether he was actually ill or not, and send him off to school.

lem no im not saying the school should give up on them children. im just thinking that parents get into alot of shit when their kids bunk refuse to go. but if a 14-17 year old is refusing what can the parent do. she cant carry him out of the house she cant get him dressed. i just think its really hard for parents thats all. but then you got the other end where the parent just does not care if the child is at school or not.

but at the same time the parent needs to be working with the school and doing all she/he/they can. weather that has any effect on getting the teen to school is another thing but it shows parent is trying.

suburban they used to drive around the estate when I was younger. A few of my friends got caught sitting in the streets. Not sure if that was protocol or something they'd done off their own backs mind!

I think some people have very nice (& idle) neighbours & friends, if they can plan to pop by daily & check on or wait in with somebody else's teen.

Puzzled, one of the teaching staff said to DS in front of me that he would not be allowed home/ out of class if ill under any circs. Now, that may have been an empty threat, but if so why say it to a child who says they don't come to school if they feel a bit below par because they're worried if they feel worse they won't be allowed to sit out a lesson or for parents to be called? To my mind it just reinforces DSs concern he will have to stay in lessons no matter what.

None of his school friends live locally,they travel in from several miles away by bus. His local friends from primary all go to different schools. I don't speak to any of my neighbours either.

I think I understand what you mean OP. Your ds is developing anxiety about not being able to go home if he becomes very ill. Do you think he is a bit anxious about attending school generally?

One of the teaching staff shouldn't have said that, so a child actually vomiting or covered in a rash from a contagious illness would be sent back to class, I don't think so.

Maybe the school can reassure him and problem solved.

However, it may be worth you finding out the schools resources pre and post school hours, they may be very valuable in the future.

85% is the level at which it's classed as persistent absence. You could find yourself in court explaining why. I'd get to the meeting if I were you.

ghost, agree with the second part of your post.

No-one expects a parent to drag a near-adult into school by force. That's why we have Education Welfare, pastoral support and mentoring in many schools (though sadly, not all).

As well as, in my LA at least, other services that provide home tutoring for students missing school (though there are, of course, eligibility criteria).

OP, why is his brother bunking off too? What's going on there? Is your DS2 maybe watching his brother get days off and thinking I'll have me a bit of that? Are they frequently off together?

I really can't help thinking there's more to it than that, velvet - what possible reason would the school have to single out your son for such a measure if he was genuinely ill? I'd also be very wary about putting the whole thing onto the school ... as I mentioned, I'm sure they'll want to hear what your own plans are for resolvng this

Have you had any more thoughts on that in preparation for seeing them?

Just wanted to say that I think velvet is right about the blanket ban being unreasonable and counterproductive in her son's situation.

I had a lot of absence from school in GCSE years due to bad home life - culmination of parents fighting horribly all time and life just being totally grim. I was genuinely ill fairly often as always run down through stress and lack of sleep but also just couldn't face it many times - looking back I was clearly traumatised and depressed/ anxious.

The school did not once ever ask if I was alright or if anything was bothering me/ trouble at home etc but automatically took a tough line. It just made feel even less 'heard' and more and more alienated from the school. They just didn't care about me as an individual.

Although much is different in your family, velvet; it osunds to me like your son is becoming increasingly alienated from school? It would be nice to think that the school would be able to use this meeting as an opportunity to get to know your DS a bit better and hopefully work with you to get him to want to go more often and support you by learning when to be firm and when to listen. Fingers crossed anyway..!

Also, velvet, I wondered if you DS is feeling a bit lonely? Perhaps especially since his brother has changed schools? Maybe going with a friend in the mornings would really help him get into the swing of things.

I really feel for you having to work such long hours with no support from ex. I think you have a good attitude to this - you won't condemn him but neither are you letting him off.

Best of luck with the meeting

Would you have left work to care for him with his concussion? If no then the school wouldn't have been able to let him go home alone.

Is this the first time the school have discussed attendance with you Op? My ds was late for school several times in the autumn term so the school sent me a letter warning me. He admitted he and his friends were hanging around the local shop too long. I had a word and he stopped. If the school have not warned you about his attendance until now that isn't acceptable. If they have spoken to you before and you haven't at least tried to sort this out you really can't complain about being summoned to a meeting.

Was this concussion actually diagnosed by a professional? He shouldn't have been at school then. He should have been at home with an adult for the first 48 hours.

His brother's issue was/is different, he was physically at school but not attending some lessons (but working in the library/ common room catching up because he was behind on his work). His teachers are working with him on a study plan, as he's found the jump from GCSE to As difficult.

So they're not skiving off together. DS1 is almost never ill, he was sent home early with a migraine yesterday but I can't remember the last tome he was off sick.

Sounds a nightmare but I think it was good to make a GP appointment, and at least you can say you've done that at the meeting.

I also think DS should be at some/all of the meeting. He needs to appreciate you're having time off work and that it is serious. Otherwise he can just pretend it isn't happening. What are the ongoing consequences, could you be fined etc, he really needs to know this.

I wonder if you could speak to the school about the policy for calling parents if the child is feeling ill, and having a parent come collect them. If this is all stemming from a genuine anxiety over feeling unwell at school and not being able to go home, then putting something in place where the school ring you and you have to leave work to collect him, might just reduce that. Then, if your DS is still wanting to stay at home of a morning, there's no excuse for him to do so. So if he's actually been sick at school, then that's a trigger for a call. If he has a bit of a cold, could the school allow him to take a pain killer (and have them issue it so it's recorded) so try to reduce the unwell feeling, after all, we'd take drugs at work if unwell. If he's feeling sick all the time then that clearly needs addressing via the GP, either it's stress related (or similar) or is something more physically wrong.

Then have some consequences of still not going to school once you have a clear understanding of their sickness (and going home) policies. Ultimately, the enforcement officer might be a way forward or a childminder. As others have said, the embarrassment of the loss of independence seems to have helped other teenagers.

I do wonder if it's a lot of crying wolf that has scuppered his chances of now being believed and therefore not calling you when he's been genuinely ill. I also think this needs talking through with him. If he's going to be ill and off school (or asking to go home) at the drop of a hat, when he really is feeling unwell, he's not going to be believed, or they won't appreciate it's more serious.

It would be a hell of a coincidence if your son is waking up once a week feeling OK, getting dressed, and then starting to feel ill between the time you leave the house and the time he is due to leave for school - not before, and not after. Illness just doesn't normally work like that - either you wake up feeling awful, or it comes on at random times of day.

I can see why the school wants a meeting, because if something isn't done this situation is just going to get worse. It's certainly worth having a conversation about why he isn't motivated about school and what they can do to help with that - including having a discussion about reassuring him that if he is genuinely ill he will be sent home. But they're entitled to expect you to have some input. If you're doing a 12 hour plus day, including commuting, but still don't earn enough even to afford a childminder for an hour a day, should you be looking at negotiating a payrise or looking for another job?