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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to post a video of my child having a tantrum...

122 replies

Fairy13 · 16/03/2015 20:02

God help me, I'm throwing this to the vipers when I'm already feeling vulnerable...

My friend has been very strange recently... Not been in touch, been very quiet... Then I text her today to see if she was available for coffee... No, she says, she doesn't think we can be friends anymore. She doesn't agree with lots if my choices of late.

I asked what, she said 'it was horrible that you posted the video of DS having a tantrum on fb'....

She feels that a tantrum is a very distressing time for a child whether we agree with it or not and to stand filming it rather than pacifying it was damaging for his self esteem.

I have had very severe PND and left a violent relationship over a year ago now... She makes no secret of the fact that she doesn't agree with the way I parent, for example that I work rather than stay at home with hi, (I work four days a week).

She feels that we can't be friends anymore.

I realise that this is about more than the Facebook post, but really, I'm genuinely intrigued as to whether that in itself was unreasonable as I didn't even consider it...

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 17/03/2015 07:37

Pearl clutchers is MN lingo isn't it, It's a fairly mild MN way of saying that people are overreacting.

No it isn't...it's used (just as you did) to insult those who don't hold the same beliefs as you do.

No one has been rude, all have put their point across nicely util you charge in with the insults!

UnbelievableBollocks · 17/03/2015 07:43

Pearl clutchers is hardly pistols at 20 paces is it?

Now knicker hoikers. There's an insult worthy owns slap with a wet fish.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 17/03/2015 07:48

Now that's just not true is it different, OP had been accused of "having issues", it had been compared to videoing an adult having a breakdown. I think it's quite rude to accuse OP of having issues and so bloody insensitive given that she's said she has PND!

I understood "pearl clutchers" to mean as posted above. It was directed at the posters who had said, horrified like, that they thought OP had done something worth ending friendships over because it was the same as posting a video of a distressed adult on the internet in order to rip the piss out of said adult. That's very much an over reaction hence my use of the term. If you think it means something different then good for you, but I didn't and don't so please don't try and make out otherwise.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 17/03/2015 07:50

Thanks unbelievable I was beginning to think I'd inadvertently said something with a horrendously offensive meaning I didn't know about!!

murmuration · 17/03/2015 07:53

Wow, I am quite surprised at the song feelings about the video! I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Useful to know, though. At least it wasn't on YouTube for the whole world to see! I've watched complete stranger's toddler's tantrums there (shared on Facebook, but from YouTube, never connected as far as I could tell to the original poster).

I wouldn't post such a thing myself, but I wouldn't judge someone who did. I find the 'reasons my child is crying' stuff mildly amusing, but again wouldn't do that. I'm afraid I can't stand to watch the ones where they've stolen the kid's halloween candy or given some terrible Xmas present and film the results and I do judge a bit there. But in a case where your toddler is tantrumming, and you know the best way to deal with it is let it run its course (which is the case for many children; my own DD runs off on her own and comes back saying 'I'm feeling better now' if I were to follow her or attempt to comfort it just prolongs the upset), taking a short film and sharing it with family and friends to let them see a bit of your life seems fine. I really don't see how it's damaging his self-esteem. If you do remain friends, you'll at least know now to hide her from such posts!

She does seem a bit judgy -- she thinks you should stay home with her son? And you say you've recently left a violent relationship, so I'm guessing you're a SP now? How does she think that's going to work?

Sounds like you've come through a lot and are doing good now. Perhaps losing her friendship won't be such a bad thing, if it removes a source of constant criticism from your life.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/03/2015 07:54

Seriously it wasn't crime of the century. Friends are meant to make you feel good not judged and criticised. You are better off without this friend IMO.

murmuration · 17/03/2015 07:55

*your son

toomanyeggs · 17/03/2015 07:55

MrsFlannel You are not being hysterical. I am very much "live & let live" about what people put on fb, but I too think that posting photos/videos of distressed children is OTT.

A member of my family recently had a stroke. Watching him learn to eat again gave him the giggles (he had to wear a bib & use angled spoons) and we laughed with him, because it helped him, he makes jokes out of everything & this is how he coped.

Would it have been OK to record him & put him on fb? After all, you could he was being cute, as he was laughing & joking. I expect that many of you will say no, because he is an adult, etc.

My whole childhood was spent being humiliated. Mocked as I cried over anything, laughed at as I ate food that made me gag. Laughed at when I was feeling angry. Laughed at when I had an accident while toilet training. Right through to being laughed for asking about bras. It isn't fun & it really erodes your self worth & self esteem.

Now I am not for one minute suggesting that op or anyone would do this, but why is an upset child considered entertainment for the masses?

Flipchart · 17/03/2015 08:05

Most people are focussing on the video being uploaded. However I think it is much more than that. I get the impression that the friendship has run it's course for a variety of reasons,probably most of al she doesn't see any common ground with you anymore.

Let it go and at least she has been honest with you and given. You a reason andnot kept you dangling for months with unreturned texts or increasingly snipey or sarcastic comments.

Don't look back but start cultivating new friends.

DarthVadersTailor · 17/03/2015 08:10

OP what is the context in which you posted the video? I think that's quite important because if it's a case of sharing for sharings sake that's one thing, if it's asking for help that's another.

hiccupgirl · 17/03/2015 08:12

I wouldn't post a video of my DS having a tantrum and he's had plenty. I have posted a photo of him with my family with a seriously grumpy face on. I have a very similar photo of me aged 5-6 with a strop on, on a day out. I can clearly remember having the photo taken. I don't feel humiliated or devalued by it, rather I think, god I was a grumpy child and I can see where DS gets it from.

So I wouldn't fall out with a friend who posted a video of their child having a tantrum even if I wouldn't do it myself. I'd start looking for some new friends tbh.

DecaffTastesWeird · 17/03/2015 08:20

Agree with flipchart that the OP should move on. It doesn't sound like a great friendship if she finds the friend judgy and if they don't have much in common.

It really isn't worth obsessing about the video. Lots of people would never do it (I'm one of these), but it's hardly crime of the century. If the OP sees nothing wrong with it she's free to post what she likes (within reason). She's the parent.

Also sympathise with you toomany. I experienced something similar, (though nowhere near as severe), growing up. It can really get to you when you are little if adults whom you love are taking the piss out of you and you aren't old enough to really be 'in on the joke'.

birobenny · 17/03/2015 08:36

Not the parenting crime of the century even if it's not something a lot of people would do and please do not let that knock your confidence as a parent - we all make mistakes
The person with the problem here is your friend. Please feel free to judge her as a scantimonious cow and just move on. Normal people, if they disprove of a friends parenting choices, particularly over something as trivial as this, either bite the toungue or have a quiet word. She sounds like the kind of person who has to make it all about her and you are well rid.

Original poster

Fairy13 · 17/03/2015 09:38

Wow, just caught up.

Thanks for all the responses, it is genuinely helpful to gain some perspective.
Luckily I have been kicking about on AIBU for a good few years now so have the thick skin required - and have taken much more than this.

I have to say I am very surprised that the cutted up pear thread did so well on mumsnet, the poor child will be presented with pears at every job interview for the rest of their life!

Feeling a lot stronger and less emotional today - we have been very close friends for many years but she has been acting more and more strangely recently and I think it's time I focussed on the positive people in my life, of which there are many.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fairy13 · 17/03/2015 09:40

won't somebody think of the children!!

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 17/03/2015 09:49

Your family enjoyed seeing the video of your child having a tantrum???? What a strange bunch you are....

DecaffTastesWeird · 17/03/2015 09:56

fairy that thread is amazing!

differentnameforthis · 17/03/2015 09:56

DecaffTastesWeird Thank you!

Original poster

Fairy13 · 17/03/2015 09:59

Careful, decaf, it is NOT funny to laugh at a child's emotional breakdowns!

OP posts:

mineallmine · 17/03/2015 10:21

Fairy13, whilst I personally wouldn't have posted the tantrum on FB, I think you're friend is an arse. Toddler tantrums ARE funny at times, not for the toddler of course but it's the unreasonableness of them that can make them hilarious. That cutted up pear thread is case in point. You could get frustrated as the adult dealing with the tantrum or choose to see the funny side. As I said, I wouldn't have posted the video publicly but I can see that family would enjoy it. One of my friends posts stuff on FB that I personally think is massively over-sharing and makes me a little uncomfortable, but I wouldn't in a million years say it to her because it's her business what she shares. (I wouldnt however tell her anything personal about me because it makes me question her understanding of boundaries.)
Good for you for getting out of a violent relationship and working to bring up your dd. And it's great that you have the kind of DM that is happy to have her GC overnight. What a lovely bond they'll have together. Your friend is a tit. I remember as a young teacher having all sorts of arsy notions about what was good parenting. And then I had children, and that learned me
You sound like you have your head screwed on. Your friend has the problem.

jemimapuddleduck208 · 17/03/2015 11:33

Children having tantrums are hardly "in distress"; they're mostly stropping off about something ridiculous and being badly behaved. Massive overreactions from some very stupid people on this thread!

MrsMook · 17/03/2015 12:05

I had a champion tantrumer from 10 months until about 3 1/2. Humour was the only way to survive with my sanity in tact. He was best left to burn out if distraction failed. He was too overwhelmed by the injustices of a slightly crumbled edge on a biscuit to care for being soothed out of it. At the point when I was heavily pregnant and on crutches, the only safe way to deal with it was to stand passively. Anyone who is sanctimonious enough to condemn you for coping in the best way open to has no place in your life.

Posting and sharing with a closed group of trusted people is your choice. Some may share it, some may not.

You're better off without this "friend".

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