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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to post a video of my child having a tantrum...

122 replies

Fairy13 · 16/03/2015 20:02

God help me, I'm throwing this to the vipers when I'm already feeling vulnerable...

My friend has been very strange recently... Not been in touch, been very quiet... Then I text her today to see if she was available for coffee... No, she says, she doesn't think we can be friends anymore. She doesn't agree with lots if my choices of late.

I asked what, she said 'it was horrible that you posted the video of DS having a tantrum on fb'....

She feels that a tantrum is a very distressing time for a child whether we agree with it or not and to stand filming it rather than pacifying it was damaging for his self esteem.

I have had very severe PND and left a violent relationship over a year ago now... She makes no secret of the fact that she doesn't agree with the way I parent, for example that I work rather than stay at home with hi, (I work four days a week).

She feels that we can't be friends anymore.

I realise that this is about more than the Facebook post, but really, I'm genuinely intrigued as to whether that in itself was unreasonable as I didn't even consider it...

OP posts:

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 21:03

Photos are just NOT the same as videos.

Pyjamasandwine · 16/03/2015 21:03

Ffs what a load of sanctimonious bollocks. He's 2! Tantrums can be funny as can strops.

How is it shaming anyone ffs. They are usually funny and cute.

You start taking toddler tantrums seriously then you will be posting in the teenage help sections.

We are in serious danger of overthinking every fucking aspect of children's lives to their detriment.

NeedABumChange · 16/03/2015 21:05

A photo or even a video to show when they are older to show/ tease them is fine but sticking it on the internet and fb of all places is horrible. I wouldn't be your friend either.
You should be glad she has respected you enough to give reasons for ending the friendship rather than doing that awful freezing out thing.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 21:06

MsFlannel I don't need to justify myself. Pearl clutchers is MN lingo isn't it, It's a fairly mild MN way of saying that people are overreacting. I post videos and pictures of my children, my friends, my pets on my fb page. You will never persuade me that I should be shot for doing so. Hundreds of thousands of people chose to do the same and an equal number chose not to. We all make a decision about our own levels of disclosure of info/images on social media and the internet, it's something we judge individually.

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 21:06

Pyjamas no...we're in serious danger of not allowing our children to have ANY say in how often their image appears on the net!

PolterGoose · 16/03/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabbitSaysWoof · 16/03/2015 21:14

I haven't got fb and probably wouldn't post a vid myself, but I don't think its actually BU, its only a tantrum.
I think your friend is BVU tho to say you should be pacifying, it's up to you if you don't deal with tantrums like that, I don't either I think it drags out the whole phase.

Nameagain · 16/03/2015 21:15

Yanbu! I'm quite surprised at the strength of reaction to this... Two year old tantrums over minor things can be quite endearing.

Also it's quite nice to hear of someone posting something on social media about their kid that isn't all braggy. I bet a lot of your friends with kids appreciated your honesty about the reality of parenting!

Plateofcrumbs · 16/03/2015 21:15

My absolute favourite picture of me and DS is a selfie of him as a baby shrieking whilst I'm looking traumatised - it reflects reality!

I don't think posting a video of a small child doing something all small children do is wrong - if you're the type of person who shares pics and videos on Facebook anyway, I think it is refreshing to share the bad alongside the good.

kali110 · 16/03/2015 21:18

Shadow ignore. Very judgey people on this thread tonight.
Issues and being compared to a breakdown!
Hilarious.
I was heading towards a breakdown. Very different to when i'v found myself heading towards having a tantrum because i'v lost my phone or my glasses (and they were on my head).
I wouldn't have been bothered if my parents/family had me having a paddy when i was little on fb!
I was a baby! It's funny!
Some people needed to lighten up.
Op be glad you're no longer friends, think it's a blessing in disguise!!!

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 21:19

Me too Name, I think it's the AIBU bandwagoning phenomenon at work. If the first few posts had been in support of OP I think the thread would have been very different. OP has clearly had a really tough time with DV and PND to contend with. I'd like to think that most people who had a friend who had experienced the same, and who did something which they disagreed with, would be given a bit more understanding and support than the "I'd drop you as a friend too, because it's unforgivable" type responses that have been posted here today!

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 21:23

Kali it's nothing to do with being "Judgy" (stupid expression) and everything to do with common sense.

this article explains why quite well it's a Guardian article for those who don't like clicking blind links.

whothehellknows · 16/03/2015 21:33

Actually, I've threatened to video my DD7 having a tantrum and post it on the net. I've even got out my phone and pointed it at her to show her it was recording. She stopped screaming and flinging herself about, pulled herself together and read her reading book as she was supposed to be doing.

Similarly, I've threatened to speak to her teacher / headmaster about her behaviour if she's refusing to do her homework. I've also threatened to ring her best mate's mum and tell on her, because I know the mum would back me up and say "no sleepovers if you don't mind your mum".

DD is horrified at the thought that other people will realize she sometimes behaves badly. I tell her that if she's ashamed for people to know she's doing something then it's a good indication that she shouldn't be doing it!

I'm not sure if I'd have the heart to actually post a video, but I'll damn well make her think I'm going to.

mommy2ash · 16/03/2015 21:35

i have a friend on facebook, a lady i was part of a parenting group with when our eight year olds were babies and i always got on well with her. recently i have had to hide her posts as she keeps posting videos of her eight year old having an emotional episode, being cheeky etc and she is sitting on the couch filming and goading her not doing a thing to calm the situation down. honestly it made me so sad i have stopped talking to her. i can see where your friend is coming from. im not sure why your family were happy to see a video of you child tantruming that seems very odd to me.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 21:35

Flannel that article is only really applicable if OP is in the habit of posting videos all the time, with her child's full name tagged and with open privacy settings etc and even then ITS HER CHOICE TO MAKE. We each take responsibility for the possible repercussions from our social media use. For eg, I post about my kids all the time. I use 'T' for DD and 'P' for DS (not their real initials) because it's quicker than typing out their full names. I don't tag their names over photos. My account is locked down (I've also had issues with Dv in past) and my friends list is 15 people ... So under those circs I'm happy with the way I use fb in relation to me and my kids.
That's all irrelevant however. This is one video, we aren't debating how we use social media in relation to our children. I think everyone becomes a bit more editorial about what they post as their child gets older and can form an opinion, but at the age of 2 is a whole other realm as far as I'm concerned.

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 21:35

Who The difference is that you just threatened. And interestingly...when would the cut off for over-sharing of offspring be? 3 years old? 4? 8?

At what point do people think "actually it's not my place to saturate the net with my child's image....I'd best leave that choice up to them."??

Pyjamasandwine · 16/03/2015 21:36

Flannel do you have teenagers?

They live their lives online like it or loath it.

their image appears on the net seriously at 2? Who really cares.

The op wasn't saying he was naked or had an accident or in pain!

He's just tantrumming. Big deal.

We are in danger of pearl clutching ladies.

DecaffTastesWeird · 16/03/2015 21:37

I think it's the AIBU bandwagoning phenomenon at work. If the first few posts had been in support of OP I think the thread would have been very different.

Hmmmmmm not in my case, I still stand by my original comment. I don't like the idea of kids being videoed having a tantrum and those videos being shared online. I just think it's a bit unfair to publicly take the piss out of a 2 year old. I also would never fall out with an actual friend who did. Suspect this friend either wasn't a friend to begin with or has other issues with the OP and this is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 21:38

Pyjamas TEENAGERS do....obviously one can't stop a teen from doing what they like...they learn...we can guide. Who says it's ok for us to share images or footage of children in this way though? Their whole lives will be documented!

FB sell information you know....including images....read the article I posted. It explains why...and it's nothing to do with "peedo fear".

alicemalice · 16/03/2015 21:39

Ofgs, most 20 month olds will not be recognisable when they get older.

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 21:40

And another point Pyjamas not ALL teens over share either. I know a few who are extremely careful about what they put up on social media because they know it will affect their long term image and they're seeking careers where that stuff matters.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 21:40

mommy that's totally different! Lots of videos, older child, deliberately goading .... OP didn't do any of those. It's not "ahahaha look at that child all upset, I find distressed kids hilaire". It's "oh blimey DDs really not happy about bathtime and mummy needs gin" Its taken in good faith, OP perhaps gets a bit of support and "mine hates bathtime too" type solidarity and that's it. DD will sit with me and look back at videos I posted of her as a tot and giggle about how funny she was getting so cross that she couldn't get her wellies on by herself etc. it's cute and a memory capsule back to a time that's now gone forever.

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 21:44

alice

Read the article I linked to. we don't know what algorithms will be about in ten years...or what they will be capable of.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 21:46

I'm also sniggering away at the idea that a future employer may discount someone from the selection process because when they were 2 their mum posted a video of them tantrumming about bath time! I don't think many employers are interested in childhood shenanigans, they tend to only consider the relevant years of adult hood as character reference. As for consent and age cut off, I will judge that by ear, along with every other aspect of parenting!

kali110 · 16/03/2015 21:47

I think it is judgy to say a meltdown is the equivalent of a breakdown, that ops family has issues and to another poster that they are just making excuses for their own behaviour.

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