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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to post a video of my child having a tantrum...

122 replies

Fairy13 · 16/03/2015 20:02

God help me, I'm throwing this to the vipers when I'm already feeling vulnerable...

My friend has been very strange recently... Not been in touch, been very quiet... Then I text her today to see if she was available for coffee... No, she says, she doesn't think we can be friends anymore. She doesn't agree with lots if my choices of late.

I asked what, she said 'it was horrible that you posted the video of DS having a tantrum on fb'....

She feels that a tantrum is a very distressing time for a child whether we agree with it or not and to stand filming it rather than pacifying it was damaging for his self esteem.

I have had very severe PND and left a violent relationship over a year ago now... She makes no secret of the fact that she doesn't agree with the way I parent, for example that I work rather than stay at home with hi, (I work four days a week).

She feels that we can't be friends anymore.

I realise that this is about more than the Facebook post, but really, I'm genuinely intrigued as to whether that in itself was unreasonable as I didn't even consider it...

OP posts:

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 16/03/2015 21:49

I would of found it funny!

cariadlet · 16/03/2015 21:50

I don't see how thinking of a child's feelings is being sanctimonious.

I've got embarrassing photos of me as a child that my mum and dad took. I hated them when I was a kid, but I'm now old enough to cope with looking at them and letting my own dd see them. I've taken photos and videos of dd that I've threatened to show to her friends or to her bf when she's older.
The difference is that my dm has never actually shown the pictures of me to anybody else, and I wouldn't show the pictures of my dd to anybody that she really didn't want to see them.

It's one thing to look back on pictures and videos together and have a laugh about them. It's completely different to post them on the internet.

Italiangreyhound · 16/03/2015 21:52

I think it is wrong to share a video of your child having a tantrum. And if I were you I would remove it now.

I can't imagine what business it is of your friend's whether you work or not, not sure what you would live on if you did not work! I've always worked part time with my kids and if anyone wanted to break friendship with me over that I would just accept it.

I don't think I would ever break up with a friend over the Facebook thing or whether they worked or not, and whether you want to get your friend back as a friend of not. I would understand if you did not. And I do not know whether she might ever decide she over stepped the mark then maybe she will want to be friends again. I think if she does then communication could be the key for you both. She has massively over stepped the mark in her opinions on whether you work or not but I do agree with her that the Facebook video was a bad idea.

I am very sorry you had PND and very glad you are away from an abusive relationship.

I hope this incident won't have any negative effects. I wonder why you videoed the tantrum in the first place, (sorry have not read all comments to see). Were you worried it was over the top or just thinking it was funny? My child has had some appalling tantrums and I have found them very frightening and sad for her.

IMVHO Facebook is great but keep some things private - either the tantrums are normal and no one needs to see them, or if you were very worried you should be talking to a professional not Facebook friends about it, IMVHO.

chickenfuckingpox · 16/03/2015 21:54

i would possibly post a film of some of my sons tantrums because its funny how he throws away the thing that's annoying him runs away and stands in the corner yelling at it before throwing himself on the floor and spinning around like a break-dancer! i personally find that funny and some of my friends do when they see him do this

i wouldn't set it publicly though and i would restrict it to people i know would find it funny

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 22:07

Shadows you obviously didn't read the article. It was nothing to DO with employers not selecting you because of a vid of you having a tantrum aged two.

But the ignorant will always choose to remain so if it makes them feel safe. So you just carry on!

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 22:19

I did read the bloody article. My comment about employers was linked to this bit "According to the online recruitment site Career Builder, around a fifth of employers use social networking sites to research job candidates, and close to 59% say they would be influenced by a candidate’s online presence. University admissions tutors are also rumoured to Google candidates, although the extent to which this occurs is unknown.

“If you put information out there, you are a possibly putting your child at risk in the present, and you could be putting them at risk in the future,” says Livingstone. “We don’t really have a good sense of how likely this is, but both are only likely to increase.”

Yes I was extrapolating the point a tad.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 22:23

It's also not ignorant to take on board all relevant info and then make a decision about how you use social media. I might have made a different decision to you, but that doesn't make me ignorant!

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 22:26

Lastly I think you are at risk of derailing the thread by making it about your "correct" way of using the internet and how everyone who does different is wrong. Like it or not people disagree with you. How about we just live and let live eh? OP has had a rough time, lost a friend and now been roasted on MN.

Pyjamasandwine · 16/03/2015 22:30

Good grief! What a carry on!

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 22:36

It's partly my fault pjs I'm tired so got sucked in!! Poor OP when she comes back!

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 22:37

Post away! Get it all on there....every poop, tantrum, bruise and party! Why not? After all...you can all be certain of the future of social media can't you? You can all be SURE that your children will be fine with this. So go for your lives! After all...the 3 second giggle and the "like" is worth the risk eh?

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 22:42

Flannel you are starting to sound hysterical. Perhaps go start a thread about children and social media as it's obv something you feel very strongly about. But hounding people who don't agree with you, on a thread where it's only half the issue isn't exactly constructive is it?

OddBodkins · 16/03/2015 22:43

It's not equivalent to an adult breakdown and I wouldn't lose a friend over it but I still wouldn't post it. Why is that sanctimonious? Some people are more sensitive about that sort of thing than others.

I can't stand seeing photos or videos of children upset, it makes me feel really sad. For some reason if op said she had described her child's tantrum on fbook I wouldn't have found that as bad. It's something about the sharing of a video of someone without their consent that I don't like whether it's a child or an adult

mytartanscarf · 16/03/2015 22:44

I'm 100% with you, flannel, and you don't sound remotely hysterical.

swooneramamama · 16/03/2015 22:51

I think its weird to post videos of your child having a tantrum. I might well drop a friend over it, yes. Sorry things have been rough for you though, op

m0therofdragons · 16/03/2015 22:54

I have 3 dc. Dtds can throw a tantrum like nothing is seen before. They're a bit older now but at 2.5 dtd1 had a complete tantrum because her hair was curly and she wanted it straight and another time because she didn't want elbows and wanted me to cut them off. Now during these episodes I could not pacify. Cuddling would mean I would be bitten, punched and have my hair torn out so I learned to stand back and let it pass until dd was calm enough for me to hug her. I did once film her and showed it to her much later when we chatted and it was a really helpful way of talking to a 2yo about her behaviour and after that she actually improved.
If you have a child who does this regularly then you probably get a bit blasé about them but to people who don't have dc or don't have dc who do this it is probably shocking and they think it's a reflection on your parenting. I wouldn't post it but I don't think it's that big a deal.

AGirlCalledBoB · 16/03/2015 23:11

I think posting a video of a child having a tantrum is wrong myself but I don't know if I would completely stop the friendship.

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 23:16

Shadows....don't call other women "hysterical" it's the last call of the misogynist to pull that old shite out of the bag.

LucyBabs · 16/03/2015 23:23

Yes lots of pearl clutching going on..
I certainly wouldn't end a friendship over this..

afussyphase · 16/03/2015 23:49

I think a lot of people on this thread perhaps don't realise the extent to which we are already drowning in other people's (boring to us) social media posts. 20 years on do you think a video of little John Smith having a tantrum is going to surface and ruin his career or something? And maybe the employers of the future will only want to hire people whose parents bought the right kinds of coffee and nappies, and breastfed, and only ate organic, and just so they can be sure of their interns' preschool lifestyle posted all that crap on FB too? Really. Who cares? If your DC is at risk (eg child protection) then indeed don't put up posts revealing their location; it's not right to post other people's DC because you don't know whether there are risks and you don't have permission. All that is fair enough.
But my own toddler? Deciding that THE WORLD IS ENDING because she didn't get to arrive at the house 2 seconds before her sister? Don't know how all you saints do it, but if I wasn't able to laugh about it, I'd have lost it. (I don't post on FB, but if I did, some of those 'reasons my son is crying' moments might have made an appearance). I have filmed a couple of them. It's not like the soothing/distracting/parenting worked, after all, and I doubt anyone films first and attempts to sooth/distract afterwards. Anyone who would give an adult less respect because at 2 they had a tantrum is out of their mind anyway... How would you know all the other candidates were impeccably polite 2 year olds?
Anyway OP - sounds like this person isn't a very good or supportive friend. Hopefully you'll soon make some more relaxed friends :)

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/03/2015 23:59

I'm not a misogynist! But you've just repeated the same thing over and over, been quite insulting actually in your implication that I am self justifying, many of us ignorant, refused to engage in discussing any of the points I and others have posted in response directly to you, and yet you've continued to repeat ad nauseum. Your last post was so laden with sarcasm that yes it did seem hysterical - because you aren't engaging with responses in any meaningful way and were exaggerating massively for effect. Fgs, it's a thread about one fucking video, no one at any point has said they share "every poop, tantrum bruise and party"! I don't think OP is actually coming back now. She has clearly had a tough time, I've been there, and this kind of harsh response laden thread is not even vaguely sympathetic or supportive. You'd think she'd admitted to beating a puppy to death.

I mean honestly, did everyone miss the bit where she said that the PND made her anxious about everything. Some posters have bulldozed on and used the thread to labour a point. It's overkill IMO. Take it elsewhere, haven't we all done things as parents that others disagreed with?

SillyPops · 17/03/2015 00:03

Personally, I'd probably have found the video hilarious and cute in equal measures.

Have none of you heard of the "reasons my son is crying" blog, best thing ever!

OP, your friend sounds shit and judgemental and you're better off without. Keep your chin up

emmelinelucas · 17/03/2015 00:31

I'll put my 'aporth in now
I wouldn't have posted my child on fb, or anywhere else for that matter, either tantrumming or doing anything at all.
Posts are not photographs, and once they are out there, it is forever.
I would not have wanted my young life for people to see. No. No.
Maybe it is a generational thing, I don't know.
fwiw, technology using facial recognition is out there now.
re the Guardian article as linked above.
Very interesting reading (and worrying)
There are other friends to be made, OP, who share your interests and values.

emmelinelucas · 17/03/2015 00:39

just reread my post (it's late, forgive me)
I didn't mean to sound judgey, honestly, just saying from a personal perspective.
It'll all be ok , OP.

UnbelievableBollocks · 17/03/2015 07:20

Considering how technology changes, the chances that pictures will be floating around for millennia is actually quite slim.

This is an issue encountered by digital archivists and librarians, who have to work out the best way of permanently archiving important data and what should and shouldn't be archived.

In 20 years time, Facebook and its data storage may well be defunct and its contents lost forever. If things ARE kept, then the likelihood of it being a 30 second clip of a child having a tantrum are slim to nothing.

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