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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to post a video of my child having a tantrum...

122 replies

Fairy13 · 16/03/2015 20:02

God help me, I'm throwing this to the vipers when I'm already feeling vulnerable...

My friend has been very strange recently... Not been in touch, been very quiet... Then I text her today to see if she was available for coffee... No, she says, she doesn't think we can be friends anymore. She doesn't agree with lots if my choices of late.

I asked what, she said 'it was horrible that you posted the video of DS having a tantrum on fb'....

She feels that a tantrum is a very distressing time for a child whether we agree with it or not and to stand filming it rather than pacifying it was damaging for his self esteem.

I have had very severe PND and left a violent relationship over a year ago now... She makes no secret of the fact that she doesn't agree with the way I parent, for example that I work rather than stay at home with hi, (I work four days a week).

She feels that we can't be friends anymore.

I realise that this is about more than the Facebook post, but really, I'm genuinely intrigued as to whether that in itself was unreasonable as I didn't even consider it...

OP posts:
MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 20:06

I'm sorry you've had PND but you were very wrong to post that video yes. It's massively over-sharing and not respectful of your child's privacy now or later.

mytartanscarf · 16/03/2015 20:07

I agree with MrsFlannel.

That said, I wouldn't abandon a friendship over it, I don't think.

Tapwater · 16/03/2015 20:10

I'll only respond to the posting of the filmed tantrum on FB. Insofar as I understand your ex-friend's response, I agree with her - what on earth were you thinking? Was it supposed to be funny? Whatever your thoughts on dealing with tantrums - intervene or ignore - why would you violate a small child's privacy by filming them screaming and posting it on a social networking site ???

ChunkyMonkeysMummy · 16/03/2015 20:10

Sorry I'm probably going to get shot too. I wouldn't think twice about posting a video on facebook (however I only have family and close friends on facebook)
Your friend does seem to have underlying issues with you but IMO why would you want to be friends with someone who's degrading towards your parenting choices? Hmm

DoJo · 16/03/2015 20:10

I wouldn't do it myself, but I don't think I would ditch a friend who did depending on how it was done and whether I thought it was particularly cruel to film rather than comfort the child in question. When you posted it, what sort of responses were you hoping for?

straighttothepoint · 16/03/2015 20:11

Yabu to post such a video in FB. End of.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/03/2015 20:11

Yabu for the video. Obviously it's a lot of things so it's best you just leave it. She's been honest so at least you don't waste much more time on her.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/03/2015 20:11

Simply about the FB tantrum video i think YWBVU, sorry.

Not absolutely sure what the PND and DV have to do with that decision, sorry again.

Flowers though, for what you've been through.

Original poster
Fairy13 · 16/03/2015 20:11

Yeah, I can see that now to be honest. My family enjoyed seeing it but I should have done it privately.

We have been friends for 5 years though, and I'm devastated. There are things my friends do that I don't agree with, something at that level wouldn't make me chose to end my friendship.

She doesn't have children but has a background in behaviour/child development and is VERY black and white about all issues to do with raising children.

OP posts:
OneFootIn1999 · 16/03/2015 20:12

I feel the same way as your friend about photographing/videoing kids in distress (I'm the same about people posting pics of their ill kids). But I wouldn't sack off a friendship for it. God knows my friends cover a huge range of parenting styles- some of which go against the grain for me. But I am friends with them for THEM, not how they parent. They have one thing in common- they all love and care for their children well- as I'm sure you do. And if that's a given, then it's none of my business how they parent. In fact some of my most fun friends are people whose parenting styles I would not emulate. And they help me to see the world in a different way too.

cariadlet · 16/03/2015 20:13

First of all, sorry that you've had such a tough time. You've clearly had a lot to cope with - PND and the violent relationship. Well done for managing to come through that.

Having said that, I totally agree with your friend that you shouldn't have posted the video. I'm quite shocked that somebody would do that.

I think that sometimes it's the right thing (depending on the child's age and personality) to let them get the tantrum out of their system, soothe them once they've calmed down, and then discuss it at a later point. Intervening to pacify a child during a tantrum doesn't always work as they aren't always in a state to respond.
But posting it on the internet for others to see (even if you have good privacy settings and only a friend could see) seems totally wrong. How would you child feel about it (either now or when the child is older - the post didn't say how old our dc is).

Mind you, I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram etc etc and have never uploaded videos to youtube. I really can't understand the current fad for sharing everything.

DoJo · 16/03/2015 20:14

Well, there's no better parent than one who doesn't have children! Why is her friendship so important to you when it sounds like she does little else but criticise you?

Original poster
Fairy13 · 16/03/2015 20:14

Sorry, to clarify, I posted the stuff about PND because I thought it was relevant to how difficult I sometimes find it to see whether her opinions are valid or not... Because I constantly question everything I do myself.

OP posts:
Thereyouarepeter · 16/03/2015 20:14

Would never post it. Would never end a friendship just because someone did.

monkeysaymoo · 16/03/2015 20:16

I'm fairly laid back about things but I agree with your friend about the video. I think filming a tantrum and posting it for the amusement of friends and family is odd

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 20:17

I wouldn't end a friendship over it either but perhaps you've done other things...she mentioned your choices...

mytartanscarf · 16/03/2015 20:17

I don't have children, and I still dislike photos of naked children / tantrumming children / ill children.

If you did it to someone with learning difficulties or mental health problems or dementia everyone would be horrified. Why is it ok to do it to a child?

woowoo22 · 16/03/2015 20:19

How old is he? What was the content of the video? I know someone who did this last year and TBH I thought why the fuck are you filming that instead of distracting/soothing/feeding/playing with/whatever to your kid to get them out of their funk.

I am sorry you have had the horrible experiences of PND and DV. Thanks .

I also think your friend is being a bit odd.

TheCrowFromBelow · 16/03/2015 20:19

I think it's a bit odd to get out your phone and film your child having a tantrum.

Posting it on the internet for others to see - why? I wouldn't do it. Not very nice, encouraging people to point and laugh at your child.

But I wouldn't fall out with a friend for doing it.

straighttothepoint · 16/03/2015 20:20

Why would you post that on FB? I dread to think what other crap you post on FB if you think such videos are ok. Get off FB and that will help.

CrispyFern · 16/03/2015 20:24

I don't think it is appropriate to post things online that's could upset or embarrass your children.

weeblueberry · 16/03/2015 20:25

It's not something Id ever post on Facebook and it sounds from her message as though it's not the first thing she's disagreed with.

I don't think it's relevant she's not got kids tbh. There are some things I strongly disagreed with before having mine and knew I wouldn't change my opinion of them when I did. Something like this would fall under that category...

UnbelievableBollocks · 16/03/2015 20:25

There's a whole website dedicated to "why my kid is crying" where people post pics of their children having a tantrum. It's hardly a shooting offence.

DecaffTastesWeird · 16/03/2015 20:26

Tbh I think YWVU to post the video. I probably wouldn't fall out with a real friend over that alone though. It sounds like there might be more to it than just the video.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/03/2015 20:27

www.reasonsmysoniscrying.com/

Suffice to say that the above would go down like a lead balloon then....

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