To be really rather angry about this woman refusing to formula feed her baby?

[HairyOrk]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/14/my-friend-breastfed-my-baby-elisa-albert

First I am completely pro mother's choice when it comes to breast feeding vs formula feeding. I don't place judgement on any woman at all on her choice on this matter.

But the author of this article essentially starved her baby because of her desperate desire to breast feed - and not because she felt it was the best choice, but because she wanted to be different from her own mother's parenting.

I think its great for people to be determined to make the right choice for them, but AIBU in thinking this woman was almost cruel for allowing her baby to become "shrivelled" and "plucked chicken like" (by her own admission) because she refused to formula feed, despite not being able to fully breast feed?

But she did formula feed till she got her milk supply established, and her friend wet nursed for her?

Didn't she end up mix-feeding with formula, plus donated breastmilk?

You make it sound like she indefinitely and purposefully starved her baby for some personal manifesto, but from (quickly) reading the article it seems more like she had a period of exhausted, post-natal, panicked and confused tailspin...? She really wanted to breastfeed, had difficulites, got lots of conflicting advice, and had no fucking idea what to do.

More interesting reading about the private midwife issue. Whatever the regulations in NY, I can't believe someone like that hasn't been debarred or equivalent, or at least sued.

I really admire her. I think it was a great article.

She did not starve her baby.

I'm not sure you've read the whole article, as your post does not represent what she said.

Only after her friend stepped in and started doing some breast feeding too.
There was a period of time where her baby wasn't getting enough and she refused to FF

Wow. You act like this woman consciously deprived her child -- and convieniently gloss over the fact that she DID supplement her feeds with formula until her supply was better established. I found this a very moving, honest and brave piece of writing. Felt nothing but compassion for the author; how strange that your first emotion would be anger for (incorrectly) assuming that she didn't crack open the formula tin quite quickly enough.

You are completely misreading the article. I liked it - even speaking as someone who wasn't able to breastfeed at all - and was struck by how familiar her litany of uninterested midwives, unhelpful 'take it easy' HVs etc was.

blimey - you are a cross pot x to cheer you up a bit

Yabu.

It was a good article about how stressful breastfeeding can be and the unusual step she eventually took.

She didn't allow her baby to starve. She became stuck in a horrible cycle of guilt and desire to feed her baby 'properly' and lost her way.

It made uncomfortable reading in parts, but your post doesn't really reflect the article at all.

OP reread the article a few times? I can't see the issue and nowhere is it saying that she starved the baby because she wanted to be differant from her Mother?

OP, it does sound like you're placing judgement, whatever you say. It seems like you're gearing up for a 'breast-is-best fanatics making everyone miserable' angle.

I thought it was a great article! And she did mix feed. I know she struggled to accept that she might need formula - but women often have issues about feeding and some people do hold on doggedly to their ideals. Plus she says the baby was wetting nappies but not getting a full belly.

I think anger is quite a weird emotion to feel here, compassion and understanding maybe??

I think this article points out some of the 'holes' in support available. As someone who has donated milk and has nursed (one feed) someone elses child I was entirely motivated by surprise. I can (could) do this, so why the hell not? If it gives a woman one day for her milk to come in. Or one feed to observe (because it's something we don't really watch, even when comfortable with the sight) Then hurrah!.

And. If it isn't suitable, doesn't help there are STILL formula options.

I thought it was great her friend helped her and she managed to BF in the end.
However I found the whole tone of the article extremely irritating - it was clear she wanted to have a pop at the independent midwife she hired and kind of blamed her for her feeding difficulties. But she didn't quite feel able to whatever reason to come out and say it. So what was the article actually about? It wasn't really about her friend BFing her son, it was all about HER - she didn't get the birth experience and early baby experience she clearly felt she had 'bought'.

Classic middle class angst about nothing IMHO - it is not supposed to be a speshul experience - it is just reproduction and feeding and thousands of women all over the world do it every day.

Yanbu. She did nothing for over two weeks. She did not start to supplement with formula until after her friend stated to wet nurse. Until then she was so adamant about not doing what her mother did and did not want to ff therefore she was making a concious decision to underfeed her baby.

Having experienced a baby who couldn't latch on till he was 17 days old, that sounded a lot like my experience... without the friend acting as a wet nurse of course! We probably did more formula feeding in the end, but I was eventually able to reduce that to a single top-up a day...

Even after having known issues in the hospital, it was only when I spotted a fouth-timer asking for formula that I realised you could ask the hospital for some, after my baby had barely consumed anything for 36 hours after birth. Not a single midwife said anything, and in my sleep deprived state it just hadn't occurred to me...

I deliberately went along to visit an NCT group to advise them that BFing might be absolutely fine, but if it wasn't quite as earth mother as all the classes implied, don't stress, just work out your own reasons for bfing, that don't involve guilt, as it's not easy for everyone.

2nd baby was fine, and piled on the pounds, in spite of possible meningitis!

I had huge problems for the first few weeks of breast feeding. The baby was losing weight, my nipples were agony and bleeding and everyone we saw gave conflicting advice. You read the internet and are told that if you give your baby formula they won't take the breast again, you shouldn't pump in the first weeks or you'll mess up your supply etc. Any chance of being rational is gone because of the hormones. We did top up with formula for one feed a day but cried for the first week as I thought I was failing (because people tell you not to give up!) Of course while pregnant I was open minded and was happy to formula feed if breastfeeding was tough, but all those hormones mess that up.

It sounds like she was struggling but trying to do the best for her baby.

I thought it was a great article actually, YABVU.

I had no issues breastfeeding, as in my baby put on loads of weight and was obviously getting enough (the pain was another story!) and yet still I drove myself mad with anxiety about whether I was doing it 'right', whether to do both sides at each feed, which side I did last, are my boobs going to explode, am I going to get mastitis, all of which left my cracking open the Aptamil 3 weeks in. Now I know that I am not a particularly strong or determined person, so most people in my situation wouldn't have got so stressed and would have taken the weight gain as a good sign and just got on with it.

So he fact that this woman's baby wasn't gaining weight would have been a huge source of anxiety for her. She didn't 'starve' her baby, she ended up giving him formula top ups and letting her friend feed him until, with a hell of a lot of determination, she established breastfeeding properly. she should be fucking applauded not slagged off.

You see all he time on these boards women who really really want to breastfeeding and are upset because their baby isn't gaining. The advice always centres around the idea that if you really dont want to give formula (which can often be detrimental to supply) there are lots of things you can try. That's nothing to get angry about is it?

I know how you wanted this thread to go - 'oh look, there is sooooo much pressure to breastfeeding in our society that women would rather their babies starved than give them evil formula.' Well, you are wrong.

Doing your best for baby is FEEDING IT. By whatever means possible.

The thing is Christy, all the things that can be tried are at the expense of a hungry baby. Unacceptable.

Argh, why does my shitting phone always change 'the' to 'he' and 'breastfeed' to 'breastfeeding'?!!!!

I don't know how anyone can say that woman was selfish when she did what most women would never dream of which is letting another woman feed her baby. And she said she didn't feel sad or jealous when she saw it, just so relieved that her baby was getting the milk. Oh yes, so selfish

I read it a bit like the OP- there is a bit where she refers to the shrunken baby and she makes no mention of having tried formula before she tried wet nursing - it did make me wonder what she would have done if her friend hadn't come round.

I also felt that it was a little categorical in why people don't breastfeed:
The only people I know who did just fine in the postpartum period are those who score the triumvirate: well cared for in birth, surrounded by supportive peers, helpful elders to stay with them for a time. The others, wild-eyed at the supermarket, prone to tears, unable to nurse or sleep or breathe, a little too eager to make friends at baby groups I can spot them at 20 paces

Talk about projecting- i know people who even with all the support factors listed still didn'tsucceed and vice versa.
I also think problems with breastfeeding aren't necessarily linked to all the others and you have to consider post birth problems individually- eg I could breastfeed but had bad postnatal depression- undiagnosed - they aren't always linked

I think she lacked support for a short time. Luckily she had a great friend.