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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really rather angry about this woman refusing to formula feed her baby?

111 replies

HairyOrk · 16/03/2015 12:56

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/14/my-friend-breastfed-my-baby-elisa-albert

First I am completely pro mother's choice when it comes to breast feeding vs formula feeding. I don't place judgement on any woman at all on her choice on this matter.

But the author of this article essentially starved her baby because of her desperate desire to breast feed - and not because she felt it was the best choice, but because she wanted to be different from her own mother's parenting.

I think its great for people to be determined to make the right choice for them, but AIBU in thinking this woman was almost cruel for allowing her baby to become "shrivelled" and "plucked chicken like" (by her own admission) because she refused to formula feed, despite not being able to fully breast feed?

OP posts:
sosix · 16/03/2015 14:30

If I read correctly there was a short period were baby was mot getting enough milk hence appearance then friend stepped in. I think baby was starving but the mother didn't do it kn purpise.

sanfairyanne · 16/03/2015 14:50

thats a lovely article

anger is a very unusual response to it imo

this quote from her article seemed to jump out though
"The idea that women have a hair-trigger for jealousy, that we despise each other as a matter of course, is a toxic hangover from adolescence."

PrimroseEverdeen · 16/03/2015 18:12

Yabvu.

RitaOrange · 16/03/2015 18:28

yabu ridiculous !
What a fantastic article- it sums up the experiences of so many of us.
MY DD fed constantly, she was never full in the first couple of weeks and the bingo !
My husband called me "The Milky Way" I had so much milk.

She tried everything and got the most amazing support another woman could offer.
Did you try to BF OP ?
it sounds like you wanted her to just switch to FF to justify your decision to ?

Dragonfly71 · 16/03/2015 18:31

I was very moved by this article. I loved how her experience led to her to understand the support women need, and can give each other, after giving birth, so they can establish breastfeeding.

RitaOrange · 16/03/2015 18:34

Totally agree- what a lovely article.
I used to give my surplus milk to a BM bank and I often wonder if there children/teenagers out there who benefitted from my BM as prem babies.

Actually I wish I wasn't so old - I loved BF, I would be a great ,if elderly wet nurse !!! Grin

missymayhemsmum · 16/03/2015 18:44

The article made me thank God and Socialism for the NHS!
We take for granted having safe birth and midwives and health visitors to support us. They may not be perfect but they are a million times better than this poor woman and baby had and paid through the nose for.

Vicarscat · 16/03/2015 18:48

I agree that she was selfish - absolutely obsessive about breastfeeding, even though her baby was really hungry and fed constantly but couldn't get enough, and was really underweight.

MagicMojito · 16/03/2015 18:55

What a fab article, I do love a happy ending Smile

OP Yabu .

RitaOrange · 16/03/2015 18:58

She didn't starve her baby though did she Hmm

Newsflash: in the early weeks BF babies feed constantly to get the supply going.

MrsMcColl · 16/03/2015 18:58

I agree with the OP, as I read the article the same way - I thought she was obsessed with breastfeeding to the detriment of the baby's health, before the feeding was sorted. Poor baby.

RitaOrange · 16/03/2015 19:04

My baby lost weight and fed constantly for the first 2 weeks until my supply was established.
She was a feeding machine, as are many BF babies.
BF is different to FF.
She took an unconventional path but her baby isn't a "poor baby"

Saltedcaramel2014 · 16/03/2015 19:06

I thought there were beautiful aspects to this story - in terms of female solidarity- but agree with the OP. I was in the same position - DS wasn't feeding well for a week after birth and I refused to formula feed because I was worried I'd mess up breastfeeding, which was an important goal for me (I was at that point shocked about not having had a natural birth). I argued with the paediatricians to get them to let me out of hospital even though DS was losing weight. I look back at photos and he was thin and shrivelled. It's horrifying! I couldn't see it at all. I empathise with the author but I'm angry with us both, in a way, for putting a personal objective first. I also agree with a previous poster that there was a real sense in the article that she had an axe to grind about her midwife not turning up... There was a lot of privilege talking in her story - and I felt that overshadowed a very touching and informative story about wet nurses/friendship.

Beloved72 · 16/03/2015 19:16

YABU

I really liked this piece. Quite touched by it.

In some places formula is offered very quickly in response to any and all breastfeeding problems - unnecessarily usually, and sometimes this messes up breastfeeding.

Knowing that, it's not surprising that a tired and confused mother who wants to exclusively breastfeed might be very resistant to using a lot of formula in the first few weeks after birth, and trying instead to get breastfeeding established.

As for it being a personal objective to breastfeed - most women who want to breastfeed sincerely believe it's the best thing for the baby, and that if the baby loses a bit too much weight or is slow to gain weight initially because breastfeeding is difficult to get off the ground, then this is balanced out by the longer term health benefits of exclusive breastfeeding.

lightgreenglass · 16/03/2015 19:19

YANBU - I read it the same way. She said he was shrunken.

I wanted to give my baby breast milk and ended up exclusively expressing but he got formula in the first weeks whilst I was establishing supply.

I also didn't like the blasé attitude to PND - it is an actual thing.

Like pp it made me grateful for the NHS.

Squeezepast · 16/03/2015 19:24

I think the authors is using her experiences/ problems with breastfeeding to illustrate her point about the importance of support networks during pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period. So whilst breastfeeding is the main content of the article, her main point is that women fair much better if they have the three way support of a mother figure, healthcare professionals and friends.

Things might have been different if, she had a caring non judging maternal figure who put her arm round her and said 'You are doing so well, it's tough. Why not let me give him a top up with a bottle so you can get some rest and a break?' Or a lovely midwife who spent time helping her with latch/ positioning etc.

I consider myself so fortunate to have my wonderful mum sitting up with me at all hours keeping me company while I fed dd and a fab midwife who spent two hours at my house on a Sunday afternoon helping me with feeding. Without that support, I think I would have become exhausted and lost all sense of proportion and sensible thought about feeding. That is what I felt the woman in the article was saying happened to her. As soon as her friend stepped in and gave her some support, all be it in a slightly unconventional way, she was able to see the wood from the trees and make more rational decisions about feeding her baby.

TheWhiteRoad · 16/03/2015 19:29

She wasn't selfish. She just desperately wanted to breastfeed. I did too. I wanted the absolute best for my baby and everything I had read, everything the NHS promoted, said that was breastfeeding.

But it was so hard. My baby had a lip tie and a tongue tie. The latch was crap. My supply suffered. The baby got tired easily and didn't want to feed. My supply tanked further. She put on weight but v-e-r-y slowly. I finally started top ups when she was 6 weeks old and things improved greatly after that. Looking back she spent the first month of her life more or less hungry. I feel terribly guilty about that now. But at the time, in a fog of a new mum, sleep deprived and terrified all the time, I thought I was doing the best I could for her by doggedly persisting with BF. I feel a huge sympathy for the author. I wish I'd had a friend like hers.

WD41 · 16/03/2015 19:33

Yabu. She didn't starve her baby. With the help of her wonderful friend and her own perseverance her baby got the best start in life.

I thought it was a great article.

Pyjamasandwine · 16/03/2015 19:38

Just what squeezePast said.

SauvignonBlanche · 16/03/2015 19:40

YABU.

I agree that she was selfish - absolutely obsessive about breastfeeding, even though her baby was really hungry and fed constantly but couldn't get enough, and was really underweight

I guess I'm also 'selfish' then? My DS lost 20% of husband birthweight whilst I struggled to breastfeed. He was admitted to hospital and had to be tube-fed overnight.

We were then transferred from the paediatric unit back to the postnatal ward to help me get breastfeeding established. One midwife stayed with me until I cracked it.

Stinkersmum · 16/03/2015 19:45

Sauvignon if the reason your ds was admitted to hospital was because he was so underweight because bfing wasn't going well and you refused any other method then yes! you were being selfish. Wanting the best for your child is natural and admirable, but essentially they need feeding. Regardless of method.

Vicarscat · 16/03/2015 19:50

Sauvignon - breastfeeding is not the be all and end all. Zillions of children have grown up perfectly well on formula. I do find it concerning that you would rather your child were taken into hospital and fed through a tube because he was dangerously underweight than give him a bottle of formula milk.
How much of the obsessiveness the writer of the article described was down to her wanting to have the perfect birth, be the perfect mum, and how much was down to a real concern about her baby's health? If she was so concerned about her baby's health, why was she not that concerned about his becoming, in her words, "shrunken"?

Petradreaming · 16/03/2015 19:54

I read the article and had the same thoughts as the OP. The baby was hungry and failing to thrive. She should have fed the baby.

lightgreenglass · 16/03/2015 19:56

I agree with what squeezePast said about support network after giving birth and for those early weeks as my family and friends were my saviour but that was a small part of the article, the majority of the article was about breastfeeding.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 16/03/2015 20:00

Babies are "designed" to lose a bit if weight after birth before regaining birth weight and continuing to gain.

Newborns feed constantly it doesn't necessarily mean they are starving. And at a population level long term breastfeeding is the best thing.