To be really rather angry about this woman refusing to formula feed her baby?

[HairyOrk]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/14/my-friend-breastfed-my-baby-elisa-albert

First I am completely pro mother's choice when it comes to breast feeding vs formula feeding. I don't place judgement on any woman at all on her choice on this matter.

But the author of this article essentially starved her baby because of her desperate desire to breast feed - and not because she felt it was the best choice, but because she wanted to be different from her own mother's parenting.

I think its great for people to be determined to make the right choice for them, but AIBU in thinking this woman was almost cruel for allowing her baby to become "shrivelled" and "plucked chicken like" (by her own admission) because she refused to formula feed, despite not being able to fully breast feed?

Thanks for the opinions of the paediatric experts.

DS was discharged home on day 4 after and EMCS, he had lost some weight as is normal. It was a Bank holiday weekend, when he was next weighed they referred us straight to the hospital.

How was a first time mother expected to know there was a problem? I sent my DM out to buy some FF paraphernalia but happily didn't need it.

To allay your concerns, he's taller than me now.

Oh do fuck off Stinkers. I really felt for the author of that piece because I've been there too.

What you do when you're confused, sleep deprived, completely thrown by conflicting advice and struggling to breastfeed is not necessarily what you'd do in your usual state of mind.

My DS lost 15% bodyweight and was readmitted to hospital twice. I was desperate to breastfeed as it had been so drummed into me that I HAD to.

I pumped round the clock, til I was hallucinating (yes, really - I thought I was producing containers of milk and it was a kindly midwife who told me she couldn't see anything).

I tried every bloody position, I found an independent lactation consultant, I listened to the earnest NHS breastfeeding helper who arrived at my bedside with a knitted boob and a fucking Tiny Tears doll, as if that would help.

All I wanted was the best for my son. I listened to all the rhetoric about him only needing a tiny bit of colostrum in the early days, about bf babies taking what they need. I could both see and not see that he was shrinking before my addled eyes.

I needed strong advice and support, I got none. I genuinely wanted to kill myself when I "caved' and bought Aptamil as not one midwife would tell me I was doing the right thing.

I didn't know what to do. Frankly, your being "rather angry" at the author of that piece and perhaps, by extension, mothers like me who faced the same struggles, is a bloody insult.

Why don't you take that "anger" and direct it towards the patchy and inconsistent antenatal care we have in this country.

Eh? My baby fed constantly for first couple of weeks and lost some weight, in fact, both my babies did. That's kind of what happens sometimes when breastfeeding and establishing a supply. I trusted my body, ignored the bleeding nipples and breast fed both for over a year. Didn't even consider fannying about with formula. They are very healthy. I think the woman in the article did a great job!

The author needed the same thing that I did - more support with breastfeeding in the early days.

I agree with the OP as well, we have a subsection of new mothers who want to BF more than they want the best for the baby in the actual circumstance they find themselves in. I would have been one if I'd been healthier after the birth but DD was looked after by DH alone the first few days. I shared a ward with a woman whose baby was so dehydrated that she was going to need a drip and even then she only gave half the formula and was stuck in hospital with a thirsty floppy baby for days longer than if she had been willing to top up. I also know someone that weaned at 8 weeks when she had to stop BF ing and couldn't face giving formula.

I think the author is irresponsible to brush over that the baby was also healthier when she started topping up, while her milk increased, and that it didn't do any harm. This was a much more important factor in her baby's improvement than the occasional wet nurse feed.

I didn't like the article though, making out she was so let down by everyone when the only person doing any actual harm to the baby was her and her obsession, she needs to look at herself a bit more instead of thinking she is representative of other women.

I found the article disturbing because it took me back to when Ds was tiny, and in free fall below the bottom of the weight charts, depressed fontanelle and sunken eyes - and I almost couldn't see it because I'd swallowed the line that formula was poison I somehow felt if I magically persevered it would all come right. So for me it was a strange thing to read a woman in the same place as me (and okay, big big danger of projection here) but taking it even further. Believe me, I know the head space she was in, and now, seven years on, I would not say it is a rational headspace. When a child is losing weight/failing to gain to that extent it is medically dangerous and they need food - formula is fine! Thank goodness for her friend stepping in.

Interestingly, the thing that brought me to my senses was sitting in an empty nurse's room in the GP's surgery with another mother with a baby the same age as mine. Up till then, I'd dismissed my experience as the problems of starting up, because most of my friends had much older babies and BF was well established. But listening to this baby literally making gulping noises as it swallowed, then watching the other mother change a nappy and suddenly realising that when HPC said "he's fine so long as you're getting dirty nappies", they meant a poo explosion, not a skidmark - finally I realised that this was not within the normal range of struggling a bit with BF, my DS was really in trouble.

So the scary thing for me was that the article seemed not to acknowledge that she got to a very, very dangerous place with her baby's health. She lucked out - but the article could give mothers in the place I was in yet another stick to beat themselves with - "look at this woman - she got through the starving stage and it was all okay."

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I really think I'd lost my grip on reality at that point - a mixture of sleep deprivation, colicky, clearly unwell baby that I was worried sick about, masses of guilt about not being able to feed easily. Now I look back I think "I was making really bad decision because I was mentally unwell." And I read that article, and I see a woman who was in the same headspace, but even with the benefit of hindsight she cannot see it, and I find that terrifying, not an inspirational story of triumph against the odds and female solidarity (though thank heavens for the female solidarity).

Love to know how many people who were absolutely committed to ff would have been cajoled into breastfeeding by someone telling them they ought to do it for the sake of their baby's health.

Some people don't want to ever put their baby to the breast.

Some people don't want their baby to have formula.

The baby in the article might have been a bit slow to gain weight, but by the sound of it wasn't ever in serious danger.

"and I almost couldn't see it because I'd swallowed the line that formula was poison"

Oh the drama!

Was it that you knew about the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding and wanted that for your baby? Of course it was. Nobody, NOBODY, thinks formula is 'poison'.

"that the article seemed not to acknowledge that she got to a very, very dangerous place with her baby's health"

Um, did she?

You are projecting.

"I agree with the OP as well, we have a subsection of new mothers who want to BF more than they want the best for the baby"

And what about all those women who want to ff even though there is clear evidence that breastfeeding is better for baby's health? Should we be wagging our finger at them as well?

Yabu
Obviously.

She did the right thing

I loved the article thanks for sharing

Yabu

YABU

I was in a similar position to some of the other mothers on here

I agree with the OP. She only called her friend when they panicked and realised there was a serious problem.

And I agree I don't think allowing a baby to be so underfed she needs to be admitted to hospital and fed via a drip is doing the best for her.

And what about all those women who want to ff even though there is clear evidence that breastfeeding is better for baby's health? Should we be wagging our finger at them as well?

Well plenty do, my health visitor and NCT feeding counsellor did.

Wwll aren't you just lovely beloved making fun of my pnd and the desperate mental state I was in. Women do end up - fortunately rarely - making bad decisions, and babies do end up being hospitalised with dehydration. My saying that the article seemed to carry chilling echoes of my own situation is every bit as valid a response to it as a bunch of women, some of whom probably didn't have problems with latch or supply, holding it up as yet another shining example of how "all women can breast feed if only they try hard enpuhh". I can't stress how strongly I think you should just fuck right off.

Love to know how many people who were absolutely committed to ff would have been cajoled into breastfeeding by someone telling them they ought to do it for the sake of their baby's health

I was bullied into bf by health visitor and midwives. There's no other word to describe their behaviour.

Lurcio I didn't go through anything like what you describe but I agree entirely with what you say about that article.

And I agree I don't think allowing a baby to be so underfed she needs to be admitted to hospital and fed via a drip is doing the best for her.

So finding breastfeeding a struggle and not knowing enough to know there is a problem is somehow negligent?

An amazing article and YABVU. Us mums are only trying to do the best for our children, often with limited practical BFing support. We're told 'breast is best' and I know I certainly thought BFing would be a natural thing we'd both just instinctively know how to do. How wrong was I.

We should stop judging each other and support each other. Not call other mums cruel for trying hard to BF, seeking many avenues of support, trying to get it 'right'. We should be doing what her friends did, offering help (I loved that her other friend offered expressed milk), encouraging each other. I'm just sick of all the judgement, very few mums deliberately starve their newborns, many struggle with BFing, many don't get any support in RL, many get conflicting information, many are suffering with sleep deprivation on top of that.

Do I feel guilty that my newborn DD probably was hungry for the first couple of weeks of her life, no, actually I don't. We were both trying really hard to establish a new skill. DD doesn't remember it and is no worse for wear. Being a parent is loaded with enough guilt as it is.

perhaps this is just my take on it but I wouldnt let a friend breastfeed my baby

not because milk sharing squicks me out (Ive donated to milk banks while BF my children) but due to the potential risks of an unscreened donor (eg HIV transmission in milk, Blood borne virus transmission from nipple cracks/bites/damage, any medication or drugs within her system - no matter how well you know and trust your friend you would have to feel confident to trust any and all of her previous partners etc)

I would find it hard to accept the risks of potential lifelong illness to my child over the 'risks' of formula

I was bullied into formula feeding.
Poor baby

YANBU OP, I read the article in a similar way. I felt very sorry for the baby - thank goodness the friend stepped in.

to those of you who had a hard time establishing feeding (that would include myself!)

its all a load of bollocks though. BF babies don't die because they spend the first few weeks of their lives BF constantly.
Its what they are designed to do- stimulate milk production.

While we as a society constantly apply the concepts of FF to BF then BF mothers will always feel like they are failing.
Anyone got any stats on how many BF babies in the developed world die as a result of BF...

I thought it was normal and medically fine for babies to loose up to 10% of their birth weight and it can take a number of weeks for them to regain their birth weight.