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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that DD has been dropped off by neighbour at crossing instead of in school

122 replies

MishMoshi · 15/03/2015 23:00

I have an arrangement with a neighbour whose daughter is same age as mine (7) - they take the girls into school, we pick them up. Daughter told me this weekend that he has started dropping them both off at the crossing patrol outside the school.

Besides the fact that I want my DD to have an adult with her until she goes into class because of her age - the school asks parents to supervise all children in the playground until they go in. I was planning to ask him about it in the morning but the more I think about it the more wound up I am feeling, I wouldn't dream of doing that without good reason and without telling the other parent that I had done so.

I wondered if it was because he was late for work - they go into class at 8.55 and he starts work 5mins later, 5 mins away, but it's happened more than once and he hasn't said anything about it so am wondering whether to trust him.

Would I be overreacting to cancel arrangement and start taking daughter in myself?

OP posts:
LulaMayBrown · 16/03/2015 10:42

Is this a new thing in the UK about children having to be supervised until 8.55? I genuinely don't believe this.
Most parents have to work and the idea that schools make them hang around until nearly 9 when most jobs start at 9 seems crazy.

Kewcumber · 16/03/2015 10:48

I don't know if its a new thing or not but our school also expects all children to be supervised by an adult at pick up and drop off.

If you have to be in work at 9 you can;t just leave your child in the playground on their own at 8.30! If parents work they either swap drop off with other parents or pay from breakfast club.

CHild can arrive and leave school unaccompanied in year 5 and 6.

Payground gates are open and often unsupervised from about 8.40 - anyone could walk in. We are also very close to a main road.

And yes you can ignore school rules if you like but you can't take a decision to ignore them on behalf of someone elses child!

UndecidedNow · 16/03/2015 10:55

well i wouldnt have had an issue with it if it had been dc1 or dc2.
i would have appreciated if the father had told me before so that it didnt feel imposed onto me but was still my choice iyswim.

In our school, 7yo (Y3 right?) will go onto the playground on their own and parents are encouraged NOT to stay on the playground.
The school will still expect parents to pick up until Y5.

UndecidedNow · 16/03/2015 10:59

Kew I'm surprised tthat your school expect children up to Y6 to be dropped off and picked up, with a parent present until they go into school. How are these children going to cope when they are starting secondary?

The other question I would have is : is your child playing outside on his own yet OP?
Again at that age, mines were and I find it hard to think it's not OK to drop them at the front of the school but it woulod be OK to let them play oitside (something I've seen parents in our school doing)

Kewcumber · 16/03/2015 11:03

They don't

CHild can arrive and leave school unaccompanied in year 5 and 6

AuntieStella · 16/03/2015 11:10

I think it makes a difference if they are in year 2 or 3 because there are different rules on supervision and ratios.

Our primary asks parents to stay in playground with DC until doors open if in year 2 or below. Year 3 and above can be left in the playground.

HiImBarryScott · 16/03/2015 11:25

I think the other parent should have mentioned it to you first to see if you were OK with it, but I don't think the actual fact that two 7 year olds are walking to school alone is a big deal.

Fauxlivia · 16/03/2015 11:29

Our school only has a teacher in the playground from 8.50 but even then they can't reasonably be expected to supervise unattended kids in a crowded place with adults coming and going.

You trusted this other parent to deliver your child safely to school which they aren't doing. Just because other parents let their kids walk by themselves it doesn't follow that another parent can make this choice for you.

Someone upthread said they are doing you a favour - not true if you are reciprocating by collecting their child every day (from the school gate and delivering to their home).

Mind you don't get lumbered with taking her dc to school as well as from if it turns out the dad is dropping them so he isn't late for work!

Original poster
MishMoshi · 16/03/2015 11:59

Can't believe how many people think this is no problem. The question was not - do you think it's ok for 7yos to cross at the crossing and go into school without supervision, it was - is it ok that I had not been told that this was happening, by someone I thought was looking after her until she was in class.

He'd decided his child was old enough & responsible enough to do this, fair enough, - but that doesn't mean it's ok to make that decision for someone else's child.

Also re the school rules - he claimed not to know them, and said lots of children go in without parents. There may be some that do, but I don't know of any 7yos left to themselves. It is something often repeated in the school newsletter, particularly in reference to children using the climbing frame unattended.

DD is a young 7 and I'm not happy about her being left unsupervised (and no there's no staff on the yard) until class goes in, even if it's just for 5/10 mins - anything could happen in that time. She could fall and hurt herself and not know who to go to, she could be bullied if someone spots that she's left to herself with no adult nearby, also it was in the school newsletter recently that man in a van had stopped near the school and asked a child to get in.

Also, something I didn't mention, is that DD has recently had a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD, which makes her both more likely to be accident prone, and to be a target for bullies.

It is a busy road, and the crossing is not to the school gates it's to the end of the road that the school is on, they then have a short walk along the road to the gates. Turns out he was walking them to the crossing & saying goodbye, prior to that he had been saying goodbye to them earlier in the yard.

I spoke to him anyway, (in what I think was a reasonable manner), he says he needs to do it to get to work on time which I understand, and if he had spoken to me about it before then I wouldn't have been annoyed. And no he wasn't doing me a favour, we were sharing transport arrangements to the benefit of both families.

I'll be taking DD in on the bus for a couple of weeks, (my OH goes to work early in our car and is back in time to pick DC up). I did offer for us to still pick their DD up but he said he'll try & make other arrangements. I think it's a shame that we couldn't have stuck to an arrangement for the benefit of the children and sharing petrol costs. I'm hoping to get a runaround in a few weeks so we could maybe have swapped school run shifts then, but it's all ended a bit awkwardly. So that's that anyway. And I don't think I was BU.

OP posts:
AspieAndNT · 16/03/2015 12:12

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable in light of the ASD/ADHD diagnosis. My Aspie is only capable now (yr7) of walking to school and I am not 100% convinced he is totally ready for that (- but we track him on his mobile phone).

I would not leave me NT 7yr old to go to school alone. Our school does not allow them onto school grounds at all until it is time to go into class and so he would be waiting outside by the busy road.

I also need peace of mind that they have both arrived safely to be able to concentrate on my own day.

Chippednailvarnish · 16/03/2015 12:16

Our school does not allow them onto school grounds at all until it is time to go into class and so he would be waiting outside by the busy road

Same with our school.

balletgirlmum · 16/03/2015 12:18

I've dropped my son off at the crossing since he has been in juniors & it's a school where children arnt allowed out without an adult.

I park in the public parking bays on the road the school is on, he walks up to the in- manned zebra crossing & crosses the road into school. This is usually around 8.30 when the playground opens & he stays there til 8.45pm.

If you don't want that to happen, take your child yourself.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/03/2015 12:18

YANBU if you made an explicit arrangement, he agreed to it and then decided he knew best.

Whether its reasonable for a 7 yr old to walk to school any distance alone is a moot point. The OP understood that there was an agreed standard of care between the parents which has not been adhered to.

balletgirlmum · 16/03/2015 12:18

He also has ASD

LulaMayBrown · 16/03/2015 12:27

MishMoshi - I wouldn't have been angry at all about this, only because I truly don't feel the parent did anything 'wrong' as such. He wasn't doing this out of spite or carelessness, he just clearly has a different style of parenting to you. If he thought it was reasonable it probably didn't even occur to him that letting the girls cross with a crossing guard and waiting a couple of minutes in a playground would be a controversial thing. I feel as though we are all having to second guess each other at all times nowadays and it is not at all obvious what is fine in one household isn't fine in another. I'm constantly amazed at seeing on MN how upset parents are with differing parenting choices.

It does seem a shame that your arrangement couldn't have continued, but at the same time if I had been even gently told off by the parent who I car-share with I would be more than happy to think "nuts to this"! But as I said earlier, you know your child, you know what you're happy with and i think the best solution has happened here.

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 12:40

Also, something I didn't mention, is that DD has recently had a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD, which makes her both more likely to be accident prone, and to be a target for bullies.

Yeah, you probably should have mentioned that...

LulaMayBrown · 16/03/2015 12:45

Sorry, and by 'gently told off' I mean that I'm more than happy to have guidance from other parents "Is it ok if you make sure the kids are inside the front gate at school, I'm a bit worried after the recent diagnosis…etc". But if it was "I'm not happy because you did x,y,z" I'd think it would be all too much bother and I'd be treading on eggshells until the next time I screwed up.

tiggytape · 16/03/2015 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 16/03/2015 13:09

What LulaMay said.

Oh, yes, and Worra ..... more than slight drip feed there Hmm

keepsmiling2015 · 16/03/2015 13:20

Drip feeding, and...why ask people AIBU and then declare 'I know I'm not bu'.

Drama queen!

JohnCusacksWife · 16/03/2015 13:29

What strange arrangements some schools have....why do 7 yr olds need supervision in the playground for a couple of minutes before the bell rings?

Chippednailvarnish · 16/03/2015 13:40

why do 7 yr olds need supervision in the playground for a couple of minutes before the bell rings?

Because we have to stand out on the street until the gates to the playground open. We're not allowed into the playground as parents were happy to drop their kids off at 8.15 and leave them unsupervised until school started at 8.45.

AuntieStella · 16/03/2015 13:48

"What strange arrangements some schools have....why do 7 yr olds need supervision in the playground for a couple of minutes before the bell rings?"

The same reasons they need supervision in playgrounds all the time. DD had her worst (to date, fingers crossed) playground accident when smaller child tripped, took her out at the knees and she banged her head.

candidkate · 16/03/2015 13:52

That would be unacceptable in London or a major city.
Moreso than anything its a disgusting thing to do without asking the parent.

AuntieStella · 16/03/2015 13:53

Sorry, hit 'post' too soon. I meant to say that this was just after I'd walked her into the playground, seen that her friends were there, said goodbye and left. It had happened before I'd reached the end of the road - another parent dashed after me and I went back to find first aid well under way by supervising staff.