AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

[thelaststripe]

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

You are upset about not going wedding dress shopping with your future DIL.

confused no- you have let your ds and his DP get on with it. Just by reading your posts you can see the resentment building up towards her mother, Just enjoy your sins wedding day with out harbouring I'll feelings.

You probally need to get a grip on feeling left out as I can just see the 'she only wants her mum at the birth of my DGC and I feel left out' thread

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry.

My brother got married last year. My mum was saddened that she and my dad were not allowed to contribute. The bride's parents refused outright to accept their money gify (quite modest, but was a gesture).

My dad said to me, "I hope when you got married [10 years ago] we didn't make [DH's] parents feel quite so left out?"

They hadn't, at all! We'd chatted things through, they had offered to pay for the band (and we gratefully accepted).

On the day, it felt throughout that the groom's side of the family were guests at "their" wedding. Just a bit sad.

My SIL is lovely, I think they just didn't realise.

Unless your MIL is genuinely trying to be controlling, I really can't see the harm in letting her chat to you about it - she's excited. Don't make her son's special day be tinged with sadness.

Now I will go and read the whole thread (where I will find out she's bonkers, won't I?!).

Son*
ill *

You also stated you thought that DIL not inviting you was the mother's doing despite having no evidence. You have dreamt up a scenario for why you weren't at the dress shopping trip that involves blaming someone else when there is little evidence for their blame. You have done that rather than deal with your unrealistic heteronormative expectations regarding weddings.

Poor ConfusedinBath has become a scapegoat for bad mother in laws everywhere!

Although I agree with you ethelb - why the fuck is it down to women to smooth and sort and massage everyone else's expectations.

Luckily my relationship with my MiL was already pretty toxic so a wedding couldn't really make the difference!

We did ask PIL if they would like to come down and spend the night before the wedding with us and have a meal (with just bride and groom and them - not my parents as we thought they would be more comfortable) and they said they would rather not as they didn't want to have the dog away from home any longer than necessary (the dog attended the wedding: WHOLE other thread).

I think the OP has been unfairly lambasted here.

It's not her MIL's wedding. It's hers. She has done everything expect ed of her by everyone here - ie she has offered to get MIL involved in as much as she can and she has been polite in her information provision.

However, MIL sounds like she wants more than just information. Getting picky because the OP has invited someone MIL doesn't like and having a daily rant about hymns are just ridiculous. None of her business.

OP I feel for you. Unfortunately, weddings are like this. You just have to develop a thick skin and lump it til after the wedding I'm afraid, or risk finding yourself in an awkward family situation later.

Confused - I understand why you were hurt re the dress shopping but you also mentioned that you didn't mention to anyone that you would have liked to have gone... if you don't mention it, how can you expect to be asked?

It's not tradition to invite the MIL to the dress shopping, so I don't think its fair to lambast DIL for her failure to consider it if you haven't actually told her you wanted to go in advance.

I used to think all the stuffy old etiquette about who does what, who pays for what was a bit stupid. But I am changing my mind. With no set boundaries everyone is confused and frustrated and transgressed upon.

I do think trying on dresses is very personal. Something a woman might want to do with just her own mother or sister. Some people are more open and easy going, but I can definitely understand preferring to be undressed in a changing room with someone who bathed you as a baby rather than your soon to be mother in law.

Boundaries people.

scrunchiemount but the problem is that that is what is so often trotted out, look at the DuchessofCuntbridge, its her wedding. No it isn't it is their wedding. I am so glad we told people the day before we got married, we both wore clothes we already had and a dozen people came to lunch with us at a local hotel. No shopping, no arguing. I really think the whole wedding drama thing is out of hand, it used to be that the worst that happened was that auntie mary speculated on if the bride was pregnant and auntie jane commented on how the bridesmaids dresses made their bums look enormous. Those were the days.

I keep dropping hints to my DD, who loves travel, that for the cost of a wedding she could have a fabulous holiday and get married on a tropical beach, romantic city or even an Elvis chapel in Vegas. I have got my fingers crossed. I did get my hopes up when my son and his fiancee went to Las Vegas the year before they got married. I was sure they were going to come back with the news that they were married but it wasn't to be. We had the 12 months of angst. I know one young woman who ended up being treated by a psychiatrist because of the stress of her wedding.

I wish we could get back to worrying about the marriage and not the wedding.

I think it is important to remember that sometimes the MOTG is a nightmare, sometimes the MOTB is, and sometimes it is the bride. I guess it might even be the groom sometimes but that does seem rarer. Mind you I suppose that might be the next trend.

Confused don't let it get to you, you are the mother of a son who is getting married. It is highly unlikely that you can get anything right. If you ask you will be too pushy, if you don't ask you will probably find out at some future date that your DIL has never ever recovered from the huge snub. Just smile and nod, its the best you can do. I hope you enjoy the day.

"DS has told me that his mil has no plans to me us before the wedding. When I asked why he said it was because his mil dislikes her other daughters in laws."

Talk about massive drip feed! But I'm confused, what do her other daugher in laws have to do with you? You will be her son in laws mother.

Anyway, her mother could be more polite and sounds difficult but still has no obligation to invite you along to wedding dress shopping.

Spring, I agree. Previous generations just had the mother of the bride organise everything and that was that. Simples. As a modern bride I have been expected to plan the logistics of a large wedding that suits the styles and tastes of me, my partner, both our families and telepathically had to guess which bits people want to be involved with and had to face hysterical blaming fits (which my DP has not) when I inevitably got things wrong. Its shit and misogynistic.

Call me stupid if you want but I'm not sure why a wedding has to cater to anyone's taste other than the bride and groom's?! My mum nearly died when I told her I would not be wearing heels to my wedding nor would I be having a first dance, but she wouldn't have dreamed of giving me a hard time about it as she recognises that it's our wedding, not hers!

Springisontheway when my sister was trying on wedding dresses my mother and I sat ina waiting area and the assistant helped her change and she came out to show us so only the assistant saw her undressed.

Confused all I'm saying is if you want to be involved in the wedding planning is to speak to your DS about it. It's his responsibility to involve you. You may end up with a job that isn't your first choice, eg, writing out wedding invitations instead of dress shopping but you'd be involved.

Now for the general part of my post.

I do think however that it is important for grooms and their parents to decide what their roles and boundaries are, not wait for the woman involved to telepathically guess what other people want, and then make her life hell, winge and moan, when she inevitably get this wrong.

I do agree with this. If the grooms family want to get involved then they need to speak to their son and see if there is anything they can help with.

Both families, if they offer help, need to realise it may not be their first choice of task.

Anyway back to the OP. I don't think she's done anything wrong. She and her DP have split jobs between them and she's organised/is organising those she's taken responsibility for. She doesn't want to talk about every last minute detail of the wedding every day. If mil wants to do that then she needs to speak to her son and he needs to either get her to calm down or to learn some patience and listen/talk to her.

Scrunchie because I am struggling to deal with the faces of absolute mortification and tellings off I am getting from MIL and my mother over the idea that I didn't want to wear white, and considered getting non-white shoes.

I initially said no to a lot of things and they did manage to wear me down in the end. I'm talking bringing up things I had said no to previously again and again and again. Often when I was quite tired or stressed, or in company where I couldn't 'make a scene' or be backed up. And when that didn't work they got other relatives to call me up and ask me AGAIN if I wanted something I had already said no to.

On top of other endless phone calls, emails and on one occassion turning up at the house unannounced to tell DP off about his taste in music (tbf that was aimed at him not at me).

They offered absolutly no assistance or opinions before decisions were made, despite being asked, I hasten to add. Only complained afterwards.

Honestly, it would have been easier if they had been more honest with themselves at the beginning and then more honest with us at the beginning about how far reaching their expectations went and how mental they would go if they didn't get them. It has honestly soured the experience somewhat and we are already nervous about how unhappy they are going to be on the day as there are some things that we haven't run past them.

I wish we could get back to worrying about the marriage and not the wedding.

^This^

1000% this. It's all too fraught and overblown. Getting married is the big thing, not the performance, not the party.

YABU. The ideal wedding is a joint effort. My Mum was too sick to help me at mine, my MOH too preoccupied with her own wedding and my MIL wouldn't come because she's crazy. I felt so sad doing it all on my own, and there were so many things I could have done with help with, and would have gratefully appreciated help with.

It is entirely appropriate for your future MIL to participate in the wedding planning.

For you NotYouNaanBread. Just because you felt that way about your lack of support, doesn't mean another couple would feel the same.

Your view of an ideal wedding is a joint effort. Many other people's ideal wedding (even if their relatives on both sides are lovely and never overstep in any way) would be something they plan alone as a couple.

I didn't mean it that way Ethelb, I didn't mean mothers and daughters were closer than mothers and sons. I meant a girl is obviously going to be closer to her mother than to her future MIL, and as it's usually the girl who likes to plan for the wedding then it's her mother she'll feel close enough to, to help her through it. It's just one of those lovely things for a girl and her mother to share, as usually most men( the ones I've come across anyway) are more than happy to leave things that way.