AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

[thelaststripe]

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

What a sad thread.

I'm astonished that posters can't understand that lots of people find planning a wedding, including wedding dress shopping FUN and simply would like to be involved in a FUN activity!

Plus you really don't get the opportunity often.

It's like buying baby clothes. My mum loves buying baby clothes and I've only got one child, so I let her have the fun of browsing and buying the cute little outfits because it's her only opportunity.

My mum was so gutted over my DB's wedding because she felt completely pushed out. She'd have loved to be involved, but was basically told to put up and shut up. It took her a long time to get over it and for the relationships to get back on track. For the sake of a bit of shopping and seating planning. Very sad.

Confused if you throw the words vile and horrible about anyone challenges your opinions no wonder you weren't asked to go wedding dress shopping!

Wearing Hyacinth to the wedding perchance?

I think ethelb has a point here.

My mum only had DDs. She was really excited to get SILs. She hoped to have some sort of relationship with them. I don't think she was looking for much. Both my husband and BIL have been polite but never made much effort to even have a chat with her. I think if they were DILs everyone would be judging them to be self-centred and rude, but since they are men expectations are low. So, mum was quietly and briefly disappointed and then got on with it. She's noticed that they are excellent husbands and fathers and that really, it's not about her.

There really is a lot of pressure on women to take on a lot of management of other people's feelings. I just don't think men are under the same set of expectations.

A fun activity for some people. DH and I found lots of it tedious. Dress shopping was the pits.

I found that the fun bits of the wedding we wanted to do ourselves and the tedious bits we did ourselves as we wanted them over and done with as fast as possible.

As someone who hates shopping, I didn't find arranging my wedding fun; more like something that had to be endured to get married.

Of course, we could have had no frills, cars, flowers etc but I realised that whilst I'd have been happy to turn up in jeans and have a pub lunch afterwards, my groom wouldn't!

It had to be a compromise.

Wearing the issue is that it is very much on other people's terms though isn't it. I hate wedding dress shopping and found being asked to help a friend shop for her wedding dress and our bridesmaid dresses a deeply tedious, expensive and time consuming exercise. Of course I sucked it up for her.

I would be very pissed off if I was expected to turn some areas of the wedding that I am finding tedious into a super fun filled day out for all the family. And tbh, that is what some posters expectations come across as. Luckily, that hasn't happened to me in the run up to my wedding. I am grateful for that.

And none, and I mean none, of them seem to have these expectations of grooms. Considering that many of these people are mothers of the grooms maybe they need to look to their own parenting and attitudes to their children before screeching some, I think quite misogynistic, demands of other women.

I don't agree with pushing the grooms family out, I think it is highly inappropriate with regard to a wedding which is a right of passage for both people entering the marriage.

However, if your son is misogynistic enough to consider weddings and family relationships women's work then maybe take a step back and consider the feminist implications of blaming the nearest female for your perceived lack of involvement.

"I found that the fun bits of the wedding we wanted to do ourselves and the tedious bits we did ourselves as we wanted them over and done with as fast as possible."

Kundry that is exactly how I feel about it. Tbf not too many people have argued with us over this but it has caused some resentment when we have 'let' people help us and they have turned everything into an overly complicated circus. I also think that just because someone wants to do something doesn't mean they are necessarily the best person to do it. Some people have displayed spectular levels of lack of self-awareness regarding offers to help at weddings ime (not my own thankfully) and its caused real problems.

"Of course, we could have had no frills, cars, flowers etc but I realised that whilst I'd have been happy to turn up in jeans and have a pub lunch afterwards, my groom wouldn't! grin"

Horsemad same here! One thing I am a bit resentful of with regards to the misogynism of the wedding industry is that even if I wanted less, other people's bigger expectations have taken priority but it has been me who has been very much expected to execute the nitty gritty logistics of making the details happen for our wedding. As you say, wedding planning feels like something to be endured in order to get married!

I have to say I don't think YABU. If you are nice to her I don't see what the issue is really. I went to a wedding recently where the bride wore a long wedding dress which she hated - she'd wanted a tea length dress, but her MIL went spare saying that it wasn't traditional etc etc, so she bought a different one. I thought that was extremely unfair. At the end of the day, it's your wedding. Regardless of what anyone is saying here it doesn't belong to anyone else, it belongs to you.

My god, ethelb , I could have written your post myself and I have used the Phoebe Buffet Cups/Ice analogy many times whilst trying to see the funny side of it. I love my MIL dearly, she is a kind, generous and funny woman and I am very very lucky and I do appreciate that she is just excited, but something about weddings just makes usually sane people lose their shit.

My MILs other DIL kept her at arms length throughout wedding planning, and I thought that it was quite unfair of her given that MIL only has sons, so when DP and I got engaged I made a point of trying to actively include her. I should have cottoned on to why DSisIL would do that when I mentioned that DP wanted a thistle in his buttonhole, and MIL then came back with a suggestion of adding a rose and a leek to it to cover all of Great Britain and that she could get him some tartan trousers to go with "the theme". Weeks later after various other similar incidents, mere hours after DP had told her she needed to calm down and back off a bit, she sent me an email (actually, 5 emails within 12 minutes outlining her reasons) suggesting that we stop beating around the bush and just appoint her The Wedding Planner officially.

She was clearly disappointed at being left out of dress shopping as well, as we turned up at their house one day and she started showing me pictures of my dress on her ipad and how she thought it could be bustled (right in front of DP!), having somehow pieced together exactly which dress it was and where it was bought from various conversations that we had had. I am not really a 'wedding' kind of girl but I really was looking forward to the big reveal-as-you-walk-down-the-aisle moment, so that was a little disappointing for me.

OP, ignore the screeching MIL-defence brigade and again, I echo ethelb in telling you to ignore them. Organising a wedding is stressful enough without having to deal with people-managing and politics as well. Good luck to the both of you with the wedding planning!

When my brother and sons got married they went suit shopping with best man, father and FIL to be. They all got kitted out together. Funnily enough there was no big deal about both dads being there, the grooms father didn't feel it was an intense father son bonding event. I think they all went to the pub for lunch afterwards.

When my daughter marries, well if she does, I really wouldn't want her future mother in law to feel pushed out. If DD felt she wanted to surprise everyone except me with her dress (highly unlikely as she knows I am the worst person to take shopping as I will say yes to something hideous just to get the horrible experience overwith - can you tell I don't like shopping) then I would suggest meeting her for lunch or a posh tea after we picked the dress. We could all chat about arrangements, maybe involve her in choosing accessories.

I just think it is good manners.

scrunchiemount, it just belongs to you. Really? She will look a bit silly without a groom.

grannytomine obviously I meant to the two of them, sorry.

I saw my Ddils walking up the aisle for the first time...a lovely surprise!As were the invitations, church flowers music,venue decorations and cake.

Their choices as brides even though DH gave the grooms a monetary gift towards it all!

I did not know or worry about their dress shopping,or their relationship with their Mums.We only discussed the colour clashing thing with my outfit.

I love them all very much and did not get off so easily with my daughters,(the Madams!),although I love them very much too!

granny, didn't you know, the bride has a God given right to her day? It's MY DAY! I WANT MY DAY! There really is nothing more romantic than that.

Can't understand why people care about things like dress shopping. That goes for brides and the people who want to join them. I'm sure they all have better things to worry about no? Whoever said "because they are fun activities" has a very different definition of fun to me and anyway, any alleged fun seems to be being sapped by resentment on both sides.

confused I am lovely

ethel I agree with your posts

Both my husband and BIL have been polite but never made much effort to even have a chat with her. I think if they were DILs everyone would be judging them to be self-centred and rude, but since they are men expectations are low

No, someone who makes no effort to talk to their partners Mother is self centred and rude, regardless of their gender. Why would your DH and BIL be like this? [confused}

sorry x post scrunchie

I'm amazed at the number of posters who are screeching it's his wedding too wrt the OP's DP yet seem not to think that involving his mother is his job but is the OP's

Confused if your DS is involved in the wedding organisation then surely it's his responsibility to involve you.

As for the dress shopping, mil didn't want to travel 4 hours to go shopping with the OP and her DM, fair enough. However, she did want the OP and her DM to do an 8 hour round trip to go shopping for dresses with her and yet again the OP is some how in the wrong there

I bought my wedding dress online, (Light In The Box made to measure - i would highly recommend them) precisely to avoid the fun? shopping experience of roaming round the shops and struggling in and out of a load of dresses. Ending up hot, sweaty and looking like shite, stressing about what i looked like in the dresses, piddling around with bras and bra straps, dithering about the price/style, going back to the first shop running way over time and probably going home empty handed the after the first attempt at least.

I cannot imagine how pressured i would have felt doing this with my mother and my MIL in tow as well ! With their differing opinions and comparisons with other brides thrown in.

If i had had to have gone shopping on the high st for my dress i would have taken a friend. One who was very patient, very honest and very very un-concerned about what i should buy.

Some people get on with their mums in the way described above, and would take them along and value their input. That doesn't automatically make it a fun for all the family outing which their future husbands family should be invited alone to.

Planning a wedding is hard enough and very stressfull. This future MIL is adding to this stress imo by wanting to get so involved. Traditionally it's always been the bride and her mum who does all the planning, and why wouldn't they, mother and daughter are usually very close. Mil should just accept the way things are and let this precious time between mother and daughter proceed without putting undue pressure on the bride. I know she's excited about the wedding but why should this entail wanting to be too involved in the planning. Choosing a lovely dress, shoes and accessories is usually enough for most 'mother of the grooms' to satisfy their urge to get caught up in the pre wedding excitement.

Oh no I think the OP is absolutely NOT being U at all. Her future MIL asking her to do an 8 hr round trip so she could join wedding dress shopping is totally bizarre. I was talking directly to confused earlier when I said she shouldn't be offended for not being asked. Now talking more generally about dress shopping.

Springtulip I have to disagree I'm afraid. The myth that mothers and daughters are closer than mothers and sons is an unfair expectation to place on women and causes these unrealistic expectations that women are supposed to accomodate when they decide to get married.

Some women aren't that fussed about wedding details.

I do think however that it is important for grooms and their parents to decide what their roles and boundaries are, not wait for the woman involved to telepathically guess what other people want, and then make her life hell, winge and moan, when she inevitably get this wrong.

You need to discuss this with your son and leave the other two women out of this. They are not responsible for your feelings.

If you feel uncomfortable speaking about this with your son (and you haven't done so far have you?) then it is unfair to expect the women involved to guess how you are feeling.